Connect with girls too fast

[TheChased]

I have a little problem here.
I seem to have gotten in a habit, and it goes generally like this:

1. I get out of an relationship and I want to stay single for a while.
2. I get my game up and running again and fuck around for 6 to 12 months.
3. Find a girl that kind of just sticks, we have fun and connect. She find me very likable and valuable after the third to fifth time we fuck.
4. I get the feeling of not wanting to get in a relationship, but still keeps meeting this girl because we connect and have fun together. She's always better than the past girls I've been with.
5. After some months we just end up in a relationship. I do enjoy it and all, it's fun and I like the relationship while I'm in it. It doesn't bother me and I want to be in it at that point.
6. After 6 to 24 months we break up and the cycle repeats.

I want to break this cycle. It's not a bad cycle per say, I have learned a lot and become a better person because of this. Only thing is that I always seem to end up with this one girl as soon as my game is getting pretty good. I never get to that point where I want to be, because I end up in a relationship when it's just a few more steps to get where I want to be. And I'm in phase 3 at the moment. I know the obvious answer to this is, just ditch the girl and fuck someone else.

What I'm asking for is:
For her: How do I lower my mate-value? It doesn't get in my way of fucking girls, they just connect with me too easy if we fuck more than three to five times as mentioned. I want a fuckfriend-frame more than a high-value-mate-frame. I think one of the biggest factors are that I mirror peoples interests automatic. I do this with everyone I talk to, find topics that the other person have interests in and connect around them. If I don't have any experience around the topic, then I like to learn more about it, as I'm a very curious person. It goes against my nature to be an total asshole, so that won't work.
For me: Do you have any tools you use to not get so interested in the girl? Because I have no problem ditching someone I lose interest for, I just stop talking to them. So if I re-frame the question, how do I get bored of someone who's not really boring? I'm kind of a sucker for smart and beautiful girls that have a plan of getting somewhere.

Hope this wasn't too long, I tried to get as much information pressed in, without becoming too long of a post.
Thanks for the replies!
-TC

 

[Franco]

TheChased,

For her: How do I lower my mate-value? It doesn't get in my way of fucking girls, they just connect with me too easy if we fuck more than three to five times as mentioned. I want a fuckfriend-frame more than a high-value-mate-frame. I think one of the biggest factors are that I mirror peoples interests automatic. I do this with everyone I talk to, find topics that the other person have interests in and connect around them. If I don't have any experience around the topic, then I like to learn more about it, as I'm a very curious person. It goes against my nature to be an total asshole, so that won't work.

I think you're focusing on the wrong area, here.

All of this is fantastic -- having common interests and connecting with women is not only a way to seduce them but also a great way to keep them coming back to you. It's something that most naturals are able to do, and it's something you want to have in your arsenal. Being an asshole isn't about not connecting with women; it's more about not yielding to demands or becoming needy in times where she tests your levels of security and scarcity.

If your issue is that you fall into relationships with women too easily, then it sounds like it's more of an expectations issue than anything. You need to ask yourself: how often am I seeing these girls? How often am I texting them? What am I doing with them when I see them? Am I taking them out on dates and/or having them meet my friends, or are they just coming over for sex?

Women will check what your actions are to determine whether or not they have a chance to push you into a monogamous relationship with them. If you're seeing a girl more than once a week, then she's going to assume that she has a shot to make you monogamous. If you're initiating texts to a girl for any reason other than just meeting up, then she's going to assume that she has a shot to make you monogamous. If you're taking a girl on tons of "dates" when you see her, then she's going to assume that she has a shot to make you monogamous. If you're allowing her to meet your friends (or you're allowing yourself to meet her friends), then she's going to assume that she has a shot to make you monogamous. If you're basically letting her do anything other than come over, have some good conversation, and have some even better sex, then she's going to assume that she has a shot to make you monogamous.

Good conversation and connecting on topics is fine; as a matter of fact, I recommend it! What's more important for you is what expectations you're setting by "how" you hang out with these women. Make sure that your actions are communicating that you're not looking for something serious. (NOTE: Eventually, no matter what you do, if you keep seeing a girl for an extended period of time, she'll be likely to want to seek monogamy with you. At that point, you have to make it clear that monogamy is something that you're not interested in, and while you don't want her to stop seeing you, you also understand if she needs something more serious, and you're willing to let her go)

For me: Do you have any tools you use to not get so interested in the girl? Because I have no problem ditching someone I lose interest for, I just stop talking to them. So if I re-frame the question, how do I get bored of someone who's not really boring? I'm kind of a sucker for smart and beautiful girls that have a plan of getting somewhere.

Along the lines of my above answer: don't spend too much time investing in them. If you're constantly meeting (and sleeping with) new women, then you won't really have too much time to get attached to one girl. The excitement and rush of sleeping with a new (and preferably attractive) girl will prevent you from investing a ton of your time and emotions into a girl that you're already seeing. That being said, if you happen to come across a girl that just blows your expectations out of the water, and you feel like she'd make a great girlfriend for the foreseeable future, then feel free to take her as a girlfriend (if that's actually your goal). But just be sure that you understand what your standards are, and don't settle for anything less than a girl who meets all of your qualifications.

- Franco

 

[Rusty]

I think that what some people overlook is that connections with women --fast ones-- aren't necessarily what lead to monogamous relationships. I've built a number of connections with women without the sexual element (me being purposely single and they being in relationships) and as long as I keep the distance between them and me, it doesn't get out of hand (plus meeting in groups helps keep the vibe from getting too intimate).

Connections shouldn't -- like Franco so eloquently stated and fleshed out in detail -- deter or detract from whatever your goals are, but I think making your intentions clear to women is important. I wouldn't go right out and tell them we're just friends with benefits, but make sure that you're not after something serious. Most of my friends end up relationships with girls after casually seeing them because they didn't know what they wanted and went on cruise control. Few months later, they're in a relationship. Most guys I see treat their dating lives like this, and end up dating women long term aimlessly and end up breaking her heart, OR they end up "settling".

It makes me cringe a little inside when I hear my guy friends telling their girlfriends, "I love you babe", when we've had frank conversations about the very same girl and they were really on the fence about even seeing her a third or fourth time... massive cognitive dissonance right there.

It's about being honest with your intentions, and making sure that your actions are congruent. If you're spending an inordinate amount of time with her... even if you tell her, "Let's keep it casual" or "See where it goes", your actions are telegraphing to her that you want an exclusive monogamous relationship. You have to be in alignment with your intentions and goals.

 

[TheChased]

Great responses guys, thanks!

I've never been the guy who takes girls on "dates", I usually meet them for the first time over a coffee, trough friends, in a bar or at her/my place. After that I only hook up at her/my place. When we're together we just talk while listening to some music or watch a movie and then I bed them, so I never get the chance to meet her friends or her meeting my friends. My last girlfriend took over a year before I told her that I loved her.

So my problem must be that I meet them 1-3 times a week and that I text them too much, and probably because I meet them over a longer period of time.

I've never settled for anything less than I think I deserve, so the only problem I can see is what I mentioned above. And maybe make my intentions clearer; me not wanting a relationship at the moment. I don't mind having a girlfriend, and it's a great experience, but I just don't want it right now.

I loved the questions you made me ask my self Franco, it really helped me out. Now I know where the problem is.

Thanks again
-TC