Conversations and Dates

[LovelyDesires]

Should you be conversing all the time when on dates?
Sometimes she really has nothing to contribute and then the conversation just dies. How many times should you try to reengage?

 

[Man-O]

No you shouldn't converse whole the time. Rather you want the ratio to be at least 70% in her favour. Hovering to almost 90% is ideal while you lead the conversation with deep diving. Simply put, in the conversation you're the strategist while she's the foot soldier doing the dirty work, hence talking from your commands, hence questions through deep diving. Women love to talk and even more if you can relate to what they want and lead the conversation and her physically.

Yes, a lot of girls are timid. It has been a hurdle for me as well, until recently. They can even be silent for more than 10 seconds and still not try to break it, so you'd have to come up with something. They usually aren't that socially adapt either.

It's important to note that not all girls are talkative, extrovert, in good mood or like your first impression and that is where you will have to do most the talking. But slowly you'll have her accustomed and/or attracted to you and she'll slowly start talking more.

Ex1
Yesterday I had one who didn't like my eye contact (she mentioned I was staring a lot). She had very boring or weak answers to my deep diving and I realized that, so I began talking more myself to calibrate for that. I stopped deep diving entirely because she wasn't fund of my questions, so I small talked and told her a fun story and then deep dived with a new topic where she then opened up and I related so and so, ending with her number.
I should mention I deep dived from what I had screened (what she did for hobbies and stuff).

Ex2 - Actual date
Same procedure, move her around and take off the pressure. Do something relaxing besides talking by a table. Walking, playing a card-game or whatever. Listen to music and share fun stories. Let her know you're an open guy who loves talking and don't polarize people and opinions. I'd recommend watching Willy beck and read these articles:
"the conversationalist" "Spell broken, big mistakes that shred conversation" "20 ways to talk" "how to build emotional connection" "don't get hung up on topics".
There are more but this is plenty.

A problem I don't see mentioned in any of the conversation-articles, all claiming they just want you if you deep dive + strong fundamentals but that is only enough if the girls are:
- Attracted to you within the first 10 secs you meet/approach.
- In a good state and not shy.
And sometimes you may come too strong for them, having them think they're not good enough for you either.

Summary:
Not all girls will respond equally well, so you gotta warm them up with the social skills you've acquired. It may be that you talk 90% of the time from start but slowly it will turn the opposite, making her do all the talking.

 

[Lotus]

No of course not, but her lack of investment shouldn't be confused with your failure to identify what she IS interested in.

There is no specific number of times to reengage you have to evaluate the specific situation. Sometimes the silence may come from her trying to think of something to ask you and if you wait just a little longer she will reengage.

 

[Jaimie Richards]

Hey LD,

So what about this - after dates take notes how many of such pauses happened and in which phases of conversation they happened. This way you can share it with us, so it will be easier to tell what's the problem. If such situations happen often and early, then I guess it would be a good idea to post some conversation examples here, because there may be some mistakes in your verbal game which cause it. Not necessarily whole sentences, just the general flow should be alright.

(Also, read already mentioned articles (@Man-O) - they may help you fix the general problem as well.)

On the other hand: if such pauses happen after, let's say, 90 minutes on a date, then that's one more reason to get moving FASTER! Don't drag the date for too long, don't get her tired (if it's not a good date) or don't give her too many good feelings before getting intimate (if it's a good date).

One word: FASTER!

Last but not least: if you mean by "conversing all the time" that both of you talk through all the date, that's A-OK - there shouldn't be weird pauses as it's an indicator that either you're moving too slow or your conversational skills are yet too weak (or both). Pauses used properly are great, but there will be plenty of time for learning that stuff later when your current problem is figured.

And as it has already been said: you should guide the conversation and let her do the talking. The more you talk, the more attached to her you get subconsciously and at the same time the less mysterious you become. So limit your words and say only things that matter.

Take care,
J.