- Joined
- Oct 28, 2016
- Messages
- 359
Had a thought last night that my subconscious sense of what I offer to girls was seriously flawed.
It confused me that I know so much about pickup and have done so much, yet I'd totally drop the ball on all 3 of these interactions consciously; I WATCHED myself drop the ball. This gave me an inkling that maybe my mental model was off. There are two easily identifiable sources: the breakups with my ex and my last fwb.
Before moving on, something to know about me is I am empathic to an extreme degree, problematically so if not managed. I am bold and bear my heart wide open in social interactions, as I've never really been hurt by those, so the intuition from sensing the other's state is a powerful tool to connect with them. The downside can be very high degree of conscientiousness, constantly altering the way I am in the world for the sake of other people's possible interpretations.
Back to the situation, given my high sensitivity to others and a deep want to add value to others and avoid creating pain, it seems like the striking pain caused by the breakups overwrote my internal model of offering great value to girls. Any sense I once had that I was great for girls and "I am the prize" (which in full cockiness, I am quite a prize versus almost everyone not on here), was erased, replaced with the belief that if a girl gets involved with me beyond the social level, it will be bad for her.
With these thoughts in mind, I went to meditating last night and focused on the pain the girls faced during the breakups and I broke. I started crying heavily and feeling very guilty. It was quite the journey walking through the situation, releasing the guilt, acknowledging that I had actually treated them very well, including being fully honest and communicative the entire relationships, and then focusing on rewriting my internal model.
Since being hit with this big realization of what's been going on, I dug into things more, reviewing the entire past 1.5 years since the big breakup. To start, where does a high level of intuition/empathy/care for others tie in? Well if I believe I am going to cause harm to someone, my subconscious is very likely to sabotage the hell out of myself. Imagine knowing how to pickup girls from start to finish and having done so a lot and having also had successful relationships where your partner adores you, then with that knowledge, imagine you believe you will actually hurt girls you meet if they get involved with you, what happens? You know exactly how to NOT get them and do something like get 0 dates from 100+ approaches and turning down several hot girls throwing themselves at you (Europe trip/Club Latina/30yo blonde), despite your base biology trying it's best to get laid. You do things like ask for numbers from dead-end interactions and NOT from charged interactions. You do nothing with IOIs and just blindly approach off ease. You throw interest like crazy at girls to compensate. You are constantly monitoring who might be interested in an almost frantic way that you KNOW is not conducive, among other vibe-harming behaviors you know aren't helpful. You never let the conversation drop on approach, fearing any gap. You pace around when talking to girls (I kind of have been doing that...). Maybe even as far as why my texting is ONLY shit for setting up first dates, I'm great in every other scenario (this one may be more of a skill deficiency, but my ease of dumpstering text convos with new girls is astonishing).
So where do I go from here? That'll probably unfold across more meditation sessions, but as of now I am focused on a deeper sense of worth and acknowledge the value that I radiate naturally as a highly empathic and energetic person. I'm putting a greater sense on mutual attraction and the framing that helping a girl like you more is a blessing to her. It makes her feel good throughout her days, aimed toward someone that will take care of her emotionally and physically. There isn't much better you can do for a woman than give her both warm fuzzies and messy quivers.
There also is wanting to best spark attraction in girls and then fan that spark into a wildfire, and not sabotage budding romances. There's also a greater sense of self worth, to stop worrying about girls that aren't into me and that I'm not that into. Becoming OKAY that even just existing in the presence of others adds value to them, I don't need to perform just to be worthy of their presence (this even applied to always feeling like I needed to be petting my dogs or they would feel uncomfortable; this morning I just hugged the little guys and held it, no need to do anything active, which oddly enough is a first).
I'll continue pressing this line of thought until I'm sure my mental model of the I bring to girls' lives is straightened out. As annoying as being dateless for so long has been, this desert is really pushing my self development and making peace within myself. If anyone else has other thoughts, let me know!
The events that directly led to this realization were from 3 different interactions. The first was last Wednesday where I had a cute 30 yo blonde half screaming at me to fuck her, and then Sunday where I interacted with 2 beautiful 18 yo's. I had a great convo with the 30 yo for 2 hours and never jumped on the signs despite being totally aware of them. With the 2 18 yo's, they showed high receptivity, yet I didn't progress the approach to a date/number.
Before moving on, something to know about me is I am empathic to an extreme degree, problematically so if not managed. I am bold and bear my heart wide open in social interactions, as I've never really been hurt by those, so the intuition from sensing the other's state is a powerful tool to connect with them. The downside can be very high degree of conscientiousness, constantly altering the way I am in the world for the sake of other people's possible interpretations.
Back to the situation, given my high sensitivity to others and a deep want to add value to others and avoid creating pain, it seems like the striking pain caused by the breakups overwrote my internal model of offering great value to girls. Any sense I once had that I was great for girls and "I am the prize" (which in full cockiness, I am quite a prize versus almost everyone not on here), was erased, replaced with the belief that if a girl gets involved with me beyond the social level, it will be bad for her.
With these thoughts in mind, I went to meditating last night and focused on the pain the girls faced during the breakups and I broke. I started crying heavily and feeling very guilty. It was quite the journey walking through the situation, releasing the guilt, acknowledging that I had actually treated them very well, including being fully honest and communicative the entire relationships, and then focusing on rewriting my internal model.
Since being hit with this big realization of what's been going on, I dug into things more, reviewing the entire past 1.5 years since the big breakup. To start, where does a high level of intuition/empathy/care for others tie in? Well if I believe I am going to cause harm to someone, my subconscious is very likely to sabotage the hell out of myself. Imagine knowing how to pickup girls from start to finish and having done so a lot and having also had successful relationships where your partner adores you, then with that knowledge, imagine you believe you will actually hurt girls you meet if they get involved with you, what happens? You know exactly how to NOT get them and do something like get 0 dates from 100+ approaches and turning down several hot girls throwing themselves at you (Europe trip/Club Latina/30yo blonde), despite your base biology trying it's best to get laid. You do things like ask for numbers from dead-end interactions and NOT from charged interactions. You do nothing with IOIs and just blindly approach off ease. You throw interest like crazy at girls to compensate. You are constantly monitoring who might be interested in an almost frantic way that you KNOW is not conducive, among other vibe-harming behaviors you know aren't helpful. You never let the conversation drop on approach, fearing any gap. You pace around when talking to girls (I kind of have been doing that...). Maybe even as far as why my texting is ONLY shit for setting up first dates, I'm great in every other scenario (this one may be more of a skill deficiency, but my ease of dumpstering text convos with new girls is astonishing).
So where do I go from here? That'll probably unfold across more meditation sessions, but as of now I am focused on a deeper sense of worth and acknowledge the value that I radiate naturally as a highly empathic and energetic person. I'm putting a greater sense on mutual attraction and the framing that helping a girl like you more is a blessing to her. It makes her feel good throughout her days, aimed toward someone that will take care of her emotionally and physically. There isn't much better you can do for a woman than give her both warm fuzzies and messy quivers.
There also is wanting to best spark attraction in girls and then fan that spark into a wildfire, and not sabotage budding romances. There's also a greater sense of self worth, to stop worrying about girls that aren't into me and that I'm not that into. Becoming OKAY that even just existing in the presence of others adds value to them, I don't need to perform just to be worthy of their presence (this even applied to always feeling like I needed to be petting my dogs or they would feel uncomfortable; this morning I just hugged the little guys and held it, no need to do anything active, which oddly enough is a first).
I'll continue pressing this line of thought until I'm sure my mental model of the I bring to girls' lives is straightened out. As annoying as being dateless for so long has been, this desert is really pushing my self development and making peace within myself. If anyone else has other thoughts, let me know!
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