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- Dec 20, 2018
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Below is a FR from a date I set up with a cute woman of afghan origin I have known for a while. Happened about 5-6 days ago but haven't had time to post it until now. This is one where I progressed somewhat and successfully invited myself back to her place despite her objections, but ran into a massive wall of LMR once at her place that I decided not to try to climb or break through. Some analysis on how I could have improved this interaction would be appreciated.
Story begins like this - once this woman found out months ago that I had a new job back on the east coast and I posted it on social media, she contacted me asking to get drinks once I’m in the area. This was back in October at some point – I know her from years back when I used to live in this general geographic part of the US.
I’m not exactly in her city and logistics suck (40 – 60 min drive from my place, depending on traffic), plus I have been super busy, thus now in January is when I actually get to her.
The other interesting thing is that at some point several years ago, probably in 2013, I actually did attempt to close back to my place with her from a dancing venue. I vaguely remember her smiling and looking flattered but refusing. Time for another shot, 5-6 years later
.
On Sunday 1/13 I text her to set up the meet:
From that exchange I can tell the girl is interested. But, the logistics suck, as I mentioned, thus the strategy was to invite myself to HER place instead after about 1.5-2 hours of hanging out with her. The neighborhood I picked is in the general vicinity of the university, very walkable with lots of bars and restaurants.
Going into the date that day after work, I was very tired from a full day of work and sub-par sleep last night, and also conscious of the fact that I had an early apt the next morning. Nonetheless excited to meet this woman. Right before she meets, she says:
Perfect.
I sit down at the bar, get a beer, and wait. She shows up exactly when she says she will, looking cute with her glasses and decorative earrings. I take her hand right away, and do the European cheek-kiss as I usually do with females I am interested in now.
Most of the conversation at this first bar involves me getting to talk about herself (‘deep diving’), asking her plans, aspirations, etc.
After one round of drinks, we go outside for a walk – and here, I implement Seppuku’s ‘hand-holding’ technique for the first time ever to lead her to a certain place I thought was appropriate for a selfie, as a compliance-test. Her hand fits well in mine and she walks with me, possibly with some intrigue on her face at the fact that I took the hand so early.
I take the selfie, then I tell her I’m hungry and suggest a place to eat. She says sure (even though she earlier she didn’t want to eat, lol), and follows me to a nearby place for dinner. Waitress there wants to seat us at a table facing each other, and I was about to object and tell her that I would prefer to sit at the bar (to be side-by-side with her) – but then CA does this herself! Pleased at this, we order food, and continue conversation about various topics.
Here is where I probe for her logistics, and get the information that she lives by herself, no roommates or pets. Perfect.
I then find a good transition point to suggest going to her apartment (regarding music):
What follows are at least 3-4 different objections from her end, with my persistence/objection handling dismissing them:
That last one seems to do it. Eventually with enough persisting she actually buys fully into the frame I am trying to set of going back to hers – saying “okay, it’s a good idea, I’ll make you tea” then making sure I have her address on my GPS before going back to her car. I follow her back, she directs me where to park, and takes me up to her place.
Once there, is where the problems start. I put on music and start to dance with her and attempt to pull her close, yet she pulls away in an attempt to keep her distance. Any attempt I make at getting even remotely physically close is met with significant resistance. I eventually do try to go in for a kiss, yet she turns her head, looks distressed and keeps repeating the same 3-4 excuses from above. Sometimes a good song would come up and I would try to pull her up from her sofa to dance, she would say she didn’t want to, I would persist and lead her, she would still say she didn’t, before giving in and dancing (and still keeping her distance - again, persistence works, but only to a degree with this woman).
Some interesting exchanges occur, in which for example she asks me about my ex girlfriend, and I tell her “That’s not important, you don’t have to compare yourself to my ex’s”, and she laughs and says “you’re funny”.
However, her wall of resistance is strong, and I am struggling about what to do. Continuing to persist with the intention of staying the night was not really an option given my early appointment in the morning and some materials I had to collect at home, a 50 minute drive away – honestly, poor planning on my part since I should have thought about the possibility of staying the night if I was actually going to succeed at inviting myself back to her place.
Eventually I decide to excuse myself, tell her I have to go to prepare for my appointment tomorrow (the truth), and prepare myself to leave. I honestly think I caught a hint of disappointment in her voice after I told her I was leaving – giving me the impression that her LMR was breakable had I stayed and warmed her up for at least a few hours.
I'm not particularly crazy about getting a second date with this particular woman - I prefer to start fresh with someone new, and my interest in her is lukewarm. However, this was a good learning experience at successfully inviting myself back to woman’s home and starting to deal with LMR in this situation. Lessons to apply the next time this occurs. Comments welcome...
Story begins like this - once this woman found out months ago that I had a new job back on the east coast and I posted it on social media, she contacted me asking to get drinks once I’m in the area. This was back in October at some point – I know her from years back when I used to live in this general geographic part of the US.
I’m not exactly in her city and logistics suck (40 – 60 min drive from my place, depending on traffic), plus I have been super busy, thus now in January is when I actually get to her.
The other interesting thing is that at some point several years ago, probably in 2013, I actually did attempt to close back to my place with her from a dancing venue. I vaguely remember her smiling and looking flattered but refusing. Time for another shot, 5-6 years later
. On Sunday 1/13 I text her to set up the meet:
Científico: Hey Cute Afghan (CA), hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Did you do anything fun?
CA: Hi Científico, I’m doing well and enjoyed the day with a little run in the afternoon. How are you?
Científico: Great – I’m impressed you didn’t let the cold deter you from your run.
CA: Aww thanks, it wasn’t that cold though.
Científico: Great – hope you had fun
Científico: Wanted to let you know that I have something in your town at the university on the 16th – want to do that after work drink that day? It’s a long time coming
CA: Sure let’s meet up! I’m not far from there
Científico: *okay hand emoji*
CA: Let me know what time and where you would like to meet. If you are coming to the university I have some suggestions in the area
Científico: How about somewhere in xyz neighborhood? It has been years since the last time
CA: xyz neighborhood is great!
Científico: Agreed, lots of spots from my old grad school days we could check out.
Científico: I will get back to you re: time. Problably will be free mid afternoon/early evening. Don’t think this customer needs us the entire day.
CA: Okay sounds good looking forward to it
From that exchange I can tell the girl is interested. But, the logistics suck, as I mentioned, thus the strategy was to invite myself to HER place instead after about 1.5-2 hours of hanging out with her. The neighborhood I picked is in the general vicinity of the university, very walkable with lots of bars and restaurants.
Going into the date that day after work, I was very tired from a full day of work and sub-par sleep last night, and also conscious of the fact that I had an early apt the next morning. Nonetheless excited to meet this woman. Right before she meets, she says:
Perfect.
I sit down at the bar, get a beer, and wait. She shows up exactly when she says she will, looking cute with her glasses and decorative earrings. I take her hand right away, and do the European cheek-kiss as I usually do with females I am interested in now.
Most of the conversation at this first bar involves me getting to talk about herself (‘deep diving’), asking her plans, aspirations, etc.
After one round of drinks, we go outside for a walk – and here, I implement Seppuku’s ‘hand-holding’ technique for the first time ever to lead her to a certain place I thought was appropriate for a selfie, as a compliance-test. Her hand fits well in mine and she walks with me, possibly with some intrigue on her face at the fact that I took the hand so early.
I take the selfie, then I tell her I’m hungry and suggest a place to eat. She says sure (even though she earlier she didn’t want to eat, lol), and follows me to a nearby place for dinner. Waitress there wants to seat us at a table facing each other, and I was about to object and tell her that I would prefer to sit at the bar (to be side-by-side with her) – but then CA does this herself! Pleased at this, we order food, and continue conversation about various topics.
Here is where I probe for her logistics, and get the information that she lives by herself, no roommates or pets. Perfect.
I then find a good transition point to suggest going to her apartment (regarding music):
What follows are at least 3-4 different objections from her end, with my persistence/objection handling dismissing them:
That last one seems to do it. Eventually with enough persisting she actually buys fully into the frame I am trying to set of going back to hers – saying “okay, it’s a good idea, I’ll make you tea” then making sure I have her address on my GPS before going back to her car. I follow her back, she directs me where to park, and takes me up to her place.
Once there, is where the problems start. I put on music and start to dance with her and attempt to pull her close, yet she pulls away in an attempt to keep her distance. Any attempt I make at getting even remotely physically close is met with significant resistance. I eventually do try to go in for a kiss, yet she turns her head, looks distressed and keeps repeating the same 3-4 excuses from above. Sometimes a good song would come up and I would try to pull her up from her sofa to dance, she would say she didn’t want to, I would persist and lead her, she would still say she didn’t, before giving in and dancing (and still keeping her distance - again, persistence works, but only to a degree with this woman).
Some interesting exchanges occur, in which for example she asks me about my ex girlfriend, and I tell her “That’s not important, you don’t have to compare yourself to my ex’s”, and she laughs and says “you’re funny”.
However, her wall of resistance is strong, and I am struggling about what to do. Continuing to persist with the intention of staying the night was not really an option given my early appointment in the morning and some materials I had to collect at home, a 50 minute drive away – honestly, poor planning on my part since I should have thought about the possibility of staying the night if I was actually going to succeed at inviting myself back to her place.
Eventually I decide to excuse myself, tell her I have to go to prepare for my appointment tomorrow (the truth), and prepare myself to leave. I honestly think I caught a hint of disappointment in her voice after I told her I was leaving – giving me the impression that her LMR was breakable had I stayed and warmed her up for at least a few hours.
I'm not particularly crazy about getting a second date with this particular woman - I prefer to start fresh with someone new, and my interest in her is lukewarm. However, this was a good learning experience at successfully inviting myself back to woman’s home and starting to deal with LMR in this situation. Lessons to apply the next time this occurs. Comments welcome...
