Days of Feeling Down & Out

[Troy]

Days of Feeling Down & Out

Does anyone know how to stop feeling like a loser and loner? Despite having girls call out to me I still don't feel any better. It's like I'm not grateful for the girls that like me and then I go wallow and feel like shit.

Since September last year I developed a bad habit of purposefully skipping school 1 to 2 days a week and I feel bad for doing so. Because of that I missed out on a lot of notes and have to be playing catch up.

The reason why I did this was because of the level of loneliness I felt on a daily basis. I don't have a solid group of friends and I'm not the person ( as yet ) that grabs others attention and make them want to talk to me. When I go to school in the mornings I feel like an outcast because I always have to be approaching people first while everyone naturally gathers with their friends leaving me on the outside. I know I know! Chase already told me that I'm approaching making friends from a value taking mindset and I'm working on providing more value to others. But until I reach there I keep going through long streches of depression at school because I have no one to talk to.

It's tough sitting alone at lunch time while everyone around me is having lunch with friends. It's even harder walking around school alone while all my classmates are holding hands and having a great time. The point I'm making is that I feel ostracized everyday, like I don't belong anywhere. Like I can never fit in.

How do I learn to deal with the loneliness? well until I improve and have a solid group of friends. Everyone needs a social support to feel safe. I do have girls telling me " Hi " at school which means I'm not some total outcast but the friends part gets in the way. It's tough having girls who like me see me walking around alone all the time. How do I stop feeling self-conscious when all alone?

P.S. I'll stop right here for now because this is the biggest problem I'm facing. Any insights guys?

Troy

 

[ray_zorse]

I've been where you are, for a good part of my undergraduate degree. Now things are easier although that's partly cos I work in an office at the uni so I have some exposure to the same people on a daily basis. But what I recall from undergraduate is to look out for people who seem receptive, in my case this was mainly guys since I didn't really have the balls to speak to women all that much. Having said that I did collect some female friends eventually. My suggestion is not to try too hard, but that if you get into a conversation of any depth with someone around 11am or whatever, then invite them to walk over and get some food with you. Then just keep talking along the way -- what brought them to your city, why are they studying the course they're studying, what are their eventual goals and so forth.

I would also suggest to try to "own" being the loner guy, it's easier than you might think. It's really a question of mindset, if you keep telling yourself "I'm the loser loner guy and nobody likes me" then that's how you will think. As to me I regard myself as more of a social chameleon... I don't belong to any one group, I'm always on the outskirts of the group, there might be a few people in the group that I like and get on with somewhat well but that's as far as it goes, I'll be polite to the other group members but I won't be trying to jump in and lead etc. However, I can usually integrate myself for a short time if I feel like it. To be honest, I see it somewhat the same way as when I see a dude walking around with a hot girl on his arm... I used to feel jealous, now I mainly feel sorry for him because of all the drama and shit tests he'll be enduring on a daily or weekly basis just to try and "swim in place" and maintain his position as having a hot GF. (Of course he may be a badass PUA with awesome relationship management skills, but usually he isn't). Same when I see groups -- I think of all the group politics and the unspoken obligations of being part of the group and the implicit hierarchy / pecking order... and think how it's not for me, I rather just be my own person and orbit them a bit.

Read the article on alpha and beta males, I think there is a third type which is maybe like the "theta male" who jumps in unexpectedly and mates with the group females before getting the fuck out -- that's what I'd aspire to be. I seem to recall a documentary on cuttlefish where it says that there are alpha males who try to mate with as many females as they can and fight off the others... (the female helps him a lot in this respect)... and there is also a different kind of male who impersonates a female in order to get close, and then just jumps in and does the deed before she realizes. Haha. This is kinda what I'm like as a loser loner PUA guy... almost literally, since I wear mascara and other such devices Though I may be getting unintentionally alpha. Maybe you could aim for a similar vibe?

-Ray

 

[Smith]

Troy

I'm guessing you're in high school (?). I was pretty much a loner in high school as well during the first 3 years, and it was tough trying to fit into a group and I would keep jumping from group to group because I don't feel I belong. The truth is I was just socially awkward and didn't know how to make a conversation. It was a little better in my last 2 years of high school, but I still didn't have as many friends as I would like. Then I went to university and moved to a new city where I had to start everything again!

I made a few friends here and there, but I still didn't belong to any 'group'. I was depressed and this went on for a couple of years until I stumbled upon GC to improve my seduction skills. First thing I did was to take myself out of depression. (Chase has a great article on depression) I figured no one, especially girls, wants to be around a downer. I stopped telling myself negative thoughts like this

I feel ostracized everyday, like I don't belong anywhere. Like I can never fit in.

because that's just reinforcing your negative mindset. Replace this with positive affirmation and action taking.

After doing this, things started to improve, even if I'm alone I would still be in a good mood, then people started to engage me and invited me out to grab food with them.
p.s. I have also noticed that whenever I'm feeling down, just talking to people and vibing with them helps bring up my mood. But you're not coming from a place of leeching value, you're coming from a place of sharing and creating.

Good luck

 

[Troy]

Ray!

I'm glad someone understands, it makes me feel better to go out tomorrow. I missed school today because of the same lousy feeling and I really need to stop doing that.

I can imagine that it would be easier being a loner at work because socializing is not as much priority as at school where socializing is king. I worked in a pharmacy last year and everyone was just busy at work and the only socializing basically was small talk and greetings. I see what you are saying.

As for owning being the loner guy, that's what I'm running from because I've spent my whole life like that and it has been a painful experience. In the past being the loner guy meant that I had friends that didn't know each other which meant that I always had to invite them out, and it was harder when they already had a solid group of friends. For example: me and a guy are friends; only difference with us is he has his solid group of friends and I have no group of friends. I'm a stranger/acquaintance to his friends which means that when they plan activities together they do it without me. All because I'm not a part of the group. I'd say I have a lot of superficial friends that all have a group of friends.

Ray, I know that there are 2 types of loners. There are hardcore loners ( those who truly prefer being alone but will socialize with others if he has to and be positive doing it ), and the hopeful loner ( doesn't belong to a group but wishes to be a part of one ). Which one of those are you referring I strive for?

I definitely can integrate into a group for a short time span before being whisked away to join up with another group. And I definitely don't like that, in fact everyday it becomes more evident to me that the reason I found this site was to get the skills needed to be a part of a permanent group. I'm not overly ambitious to rack up lays with many women and still be on the sidelines of every group. I'd rather have a permanent cool group of friends and a girlfriend ( and the skills to replace her if need be ) That's all I would need to stave off depression and be happy.

Haha keep doing your thing bro! If going into groups and cleaning up with all the girls is your thing then I'm in full support. I like seeing unique folks doing different strokes


Smith,

Yeah I'm still in high school. I keep jumping from group to group as well because I don't feel I really belong. Not to repeat what you said though i can relate.

Definitely whenever I'm feeling down and I talk to people I feel energized and happy even if I was extremely tired before. My favourite place at school that really helps up my mood is at the library and chatting to the girls that are at my table. It's a easy environment to practise deep diving and sharing inside jokes since being quiet is the rule there. It's far easier than being in a loud club where I have to be shouting and exerting loads of energy to get a simple point across.

Troy

 

[ray_zorse]

Troy it is great that you can integrate into groups however temporarily. Most people cannot really do that and I would see this as a strong positive and evidence that you are doing a fair bir right. And whilst to me this would be all the skills I would really need socially, I respect the fact that you have different social goals. And that's one thing that's great about Girlschase. It teaches you to be the best man you can possibly be, but also gives you a kind of Meccano set with all the tools, materials, nuts and bolts you need to put together the life you want to lead.

If you aspire to be part of a group then what I think you should do is try to put together your own group. This would be much surer than trying to join an existing group and climb the social hierarchy. (Although there are guys who specialize in doing just that, including Lyndon Johnson according to Robert Caro's biography, and RSDTyler according to Neil Strauss). You said you had a lot of friends who didn't know each other (at one stage) -- why not introduce them? Invite people to stuff like, say, going out of town a bit to ride a historic steam train then having a sharing picnic?

I'm constantly doing stuff like this and you know what -- half the time nobody comes and the rest of the time well it might be myself and one other... or occasionally two others... but do I care? Nope. Because I genuinely want to do the activity and that's what's important to me. And if only one or two others come (and I have to invite 15ppl to achieve this)... then it's a real bonding experience. The other trick is to be careful who you invite... the more popular, dominant and socially aware they are... the more likely they are to create difficulties such as piking at the last minute or trying to lead the group towards their own personal priorities (e.g. they forgot to get cash so make everyone wait half an hour). Instead look for people at uni who are in your situation and befriend them decisively. They will then look up to you and accept your leadership. Through the synergy of value that you create by cooperating and respecting one another, you create a group that is more genuine, more strongly bonded and less hierarchical than the groups you currently want to join.

-Ray

 

[Mr.Rob]

Seek to provide value as Chase notes dude.

When I cut my social circle off of loser druggie friends I was soo low value no one really wanted to be my friend. I was stuck in a self centered paradigm, only thinking what's in it for me.

I focused then on pickup (which being in that current state of mind wasn't conducive) and eventually came to a point where I started making girls days better and not NEEDING anything in return. Just to make her smile and go around with her head up and chest out for the rest of the day and I made her do that.

Then I started doing the same for people in general. Everywhere I went I tried to make the people I came across have a better day because of me.

I stopped focusing on my own petty stupid problems and focused on the people around me instead. Do some charity work. I highly recommend helping people that have lives waaaayyyyy worse of than yours are so you can get a dose of reality to help you come out of your mental fog.

Doing things that improve other people's lives will go far, but start with making people you meet on the street, store, wherever smile and go from there.

It's been over two years since I dropped my social circle and I've made a few friend here and there but nothing that really stuck. I've honestly embraced being a loner with no friends to call up and hang out with on a regular basis and it's taught me to be self-reliant and responsible for my own good emotions. The past two years I've been the loneliest in my entire life (on the outside) but I feel as if I'm not lonely at all (I felt lonelier when I had friends my entire life).

Good luck Troy.

-Rob

 

[Nuncle]

If you don't fit in that means you're special/unique.

Girls love that shit. You just have to be confident and unapologetic.

 

[Troy]

Ray,

Definitely I've invited out a few of my popular friends and I got flaked on a lot. I've heard the excuses such as " My girlfriend called so I'm spending the night with her". And the worst part about it is that they wait till the last minute to let me know they can't make it.

I've worked to befriend other guys who seem a little on the outside before and it didn't work out. When I've met these guys I ended up doing all the talking and joke cracking while they kept silent until things petered out. To make it harder for us to get along was when they got more awkward and made me feel awkward which made us both want the interaction to end. And if I managed to find a okay friend he would always drift away to hang with the popular kids who didn't acknowledge his presence. Do you know how I can work around all this confusion?


Rob,

I find it interesting that you got used to being a on and off loner. How do you do it? The times I've felt the loneliest was when I was in a group that ignored me or insulted me more than anyone else. And I got away from them. Being in quite a few negative groups has really broken my confidence to trust people whenever I just meet them. Even if they are nice at first, because of past bad experiences I've avoided them.

The times that I had a group to hang with that enjoyed having me around has been the best times of my life. I got more girls attracted faster and that caused a halo effect. More and more girls liked me just seeing me in a cool group. That's why I put so much emphasis on learning group dynamics because it allows me to get out my head and have fun and then bamn there is a girl who grew attracted to me without me doing any game. And I like it that way.

When I'm doing everything the lone man way I struggle to make friends. It becomes 100 times harder since people tend to avoid those they see alone all the time. Not to go off target Rob, but how do you manage to have a friend here and there?

Nuncle,

That's true that there is a certain mystery about loner guys that girls love because it creates a challenge. In fact, I've read an article on here talking about the power of mystery and how girls are attracted to unique outsider men.

For the life of me I cant remember which article it is but I'll try finding it later and put it on this tread.


I've planned for some time now to make a post on why I like group dynamics and talk more on the benefits of cold approach and how it has helped me. I'll get started with that one and post it sometime next week. It will only be my opinion so I'm looking to convince anyone to do x or y thing. I feel I should make a post on this to get my thoughts out and then analyze because I've had a rather round the world past..

P.s. Rob, the part you said about making girls having a better day, that's exactly what I'm working on. And in my opinion that's all what seduction covers. Seduction is all about emotions. If people feel good in your presence they will do what you want. I want to share a link to everyone here on my number one tool to getting there. Check it here. http://goo.gl/F492h0

Troy

 

[Drck]

 

[Troy]

Gentlemen,

I'm in a position where I spend my weekends alone and I'm tired of doing that. I don't have people calling me up to go out and its not a nice feeling to always be asking out people first.Going out alone all the while is not enjoyable especially when I'm doing street approaches.

How do I handle the loneliness on the weekends? I hate always being the initiator

Troy

 

[topcat]

Gentlemen,

I'm in a position where I spend my weekends alone and I'm tired of doing that. I don't have people calling me up to go out and its not a nice feeling to always be asking out people first.Going out alone all the while is not enjoyable especially when I'm doing street approaches.

How do I handle the loneliness on the weekends? I hate always being the initiator

Troy

Troy,

you can't force people to be with you (not to any positive end anyway). You can only get on with your life, build one you enjoy, and if people want to get in on it they will. There is no guarantee people will enter your life and you must be fine with that idea, but they're a hell of a more lot likely to if you're leading an interesting life you enjoy yourself.

You don't like being the initiator? Simple solution - stop initiating. Go do something you like on the weekends, immerse yourself in hobbies, and get used to the idea of being alone. You are always alone bruv. People come and go, women especially, but as long as you're alive and conscious YOU remain.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

Topcat

 

[Mr.Rob]

When I'm doing everything the lone man way I struggle to make friends. It becomes 100 times harder since people tend to avoid those they see alone all the time. Not to go off target Rob, but how do you manage to have a friend here and there?

It doesn't look like you have much of a choice my friend.

Regarding: "it becomes 100 times harder since people tend to avoid those they see alone"
I used to think this too and it really bugged me for a while. I was always thinking people were looking at me and judging me accordingly but when you actually meet people you realize that a lot of times the only reason they're out with friends in the first place is because they're too scared to go out on their own.

That's also a fallacy. People avoid people they see as being a social liability or low value. If you appear to offer no value to them they're not going to want to get to know you. (Think a dirty hobo begging for change. The hobo offers no value to them and is a nuisance).

However if you offer value in a way in which you don't have an agenda underneath your giving value, then people will be more inclined to role with you.

Going back to the hobo example I was walking downtown the other night and a hobo sitting on the side of the road looked at me and asked "why aren't you smiling! " with a smile on his face. He didn't ask for a money as I walked by.

I wanted to go give him money for being so cool. I smiled for the next day straight because of that. Compare that with the annoying hobo asking you for money and giving you nothing in return.

Give value.

 

[PrettyDecent]

Troy,

I can feel you, man.

For me, it was Christmas 2013. I was walking along the beach (warm during the holidays here), and I could see everybody celebrating Christmas with their friends and romantic partners. I hadn't a friend that I could just "hang out" with, despite the fact I was doing pickup quite hard since March, and meeting lots of people. Yeah, a painful feeling, indeed.

I decided I'd never live a Christmas like that again.

So I adopted a philosophy of "give, give, give" in January of 2014... so whether it was money or teaching somebody guitar or teaching pickup or whatever I could possibly think of, I'd try and help them out (as long as it wasn't a HUGE inconvenience for me). I wasn't expecting anything back, either; not even friendship. I also started street sales a couple of months later in March.

Zoom out of that and into Christmas of 2014, I'd totally forgot the problem even existed. I had a social circle I was part of, and a couple of "best friends" outside of the circle for good measure. I was actually in a position where I'd over-committed to hanging out with too many friends in a short period of time, and people were getting upset because I sometimes forgot to answer them back when I really should have.

I distinctly remember the moment where I looked back on the year before, and remembered the struggle I used to face. Surreal. But, I've completely forgotten about it again until reading your post.

The fact is this: if you're a loner, but you're very self-improvement oriented, you WILL break through and form a social circle. But you've got to work hard, because contrary to my belief when I was more naive, just because you know this site, does NOT mean you are ahead socially of most other people. The people who have fantastic people-skills? They have more hours clocked in socializing. I think the biggest reason for my break through has come through the insane number of hours I've clocked in meeting and connecting with people during my street sales job.

But don't get me wrong, I've still got much work cut out ahead of me. In fact, now that I've hit this level, I can clearly see all the frontier I have yet to cover...and it's huge. There's a lot of "you don't know what you don't know" when you're more socially fresh that gradually reveals itself as you clock in the hours socializing.

Hope this helps you in your journey, Troy. Keep your head up and stay determined, as I see you are on these boards.

~Nick

 

[Drck]

Go to meetup.com there are different groups of people you can join in your area, including dating events, all for free.