Don't compare!

[reeax]

That's the reaction I get from my girl when I say things like "you're way hotter than her".... And she's objectively a 9 or 10 depending on personal taste.

I'm pretty curious about her reaction. Is it some sort of insecurity? Additional info: she's a 0% tease, I've never seen that in my life. Maybe it's also a regional thing, because I'm in Europe and she's Russian.

What do you think about it?

 

[StrayDog]

She is mostly likely picking up on your personal egoic attachment to her looks. When you compare her to other women what is that adding to her own sense of self? Maybe if you were comparing qualities of character she has developed herself, and reflecting that back to her in a personalized manner, it would land different. Her social skills, her fashion sense, the way she takes care of herself, her intellect, her creativity, and so on. But, comparison in general (for oneself, or for others) can cross over from being a constructive way of navigating the world, to a low value perspective (always sizing others up, always sizing oneself up), so tread lightly and understand where the line is.

Her god given beauty is not something she personally had to win. The attention she has received for it, though sometimes a gift, is not something she had asked for. Therefore, sometimes it could feel like somewhat of a burden. She has spent her whole life being compared to other women. She her self has spent her whole life comparing herself to one degree or another. Now I don't know what it is like first hand to be a beautiful woman in this world, but I can imagine a certain competitive element of it is rather exhausting.

If I were to intuit where your gal is coming from with this, my best guess would be that when you compare her physical looks to other women it does a number of things:

-it reminds her of the exhausting aspects of beauty comparisons women go through their whole life.

-it does little to add value to her sense of self outside of something she is already well aware of

-It demonstrates that you are still hung up a but on her looks. That her beauty is a bit of an ego thing for you. You are out here comparing her looks to other women, rather than just enjoying her beauty for your self.

-In a relationship a small small dose of being aware that she is still competing for your attention and affection can he a healthy thing. But it should be so in a manner that is based around her character, not her looks. So when she gets rewarded with compliments about how thoughtful she can be (or some other character trait) she knows that she is continually winning you over with who she is, and how she behaves, not just with her looks (which is the most basic trait she poses in the dating market). So, you comparing actually places you in a position that most guys are already in in her life. They are won over primarily by the surface level presentation of her looks. By comparing you are reminding her of a certain standing she has on the dating market but not firmly demonstrating your position. A man who requires more than looks to be won over. You're comparing how good she looks to other woman is actually a bad look for YOU.

When she says "don't compare" she is essentially saying "come on dude are you playing this basic level game that everyone has played with my looks for my entirely life, my self included. I am over it. Not only in the sense that it is tired, but also in the fact that I have found the man I want. So can we put this basic shit down please." Ultimately you are just putting her in an awkward position. What is she supposed to say? "yeah, I am totally hotter than her." Where does that get her?

what are you trying to accomplish by putting her in this position? There are much better ways to help her feel appreciated.

Instead, let her know why you picked her above other options but do so by observing something really keen about her character and reflecting that back to her in a personal (not generic or surface) way and see how quick she is to say "don't compare".

 

[reeax]

@StrayDog this is a very detailed and interesting perspective, thank you for your time. Of course, I gave very little detail to work with, so a little more :

- I think she is actually pretty proud of her look because I have to take pictures of her for her Insta account every 10 minutes when we are doing something fun outside (travel, activities, whatever). Also, she LOVES hearing how sexy she is, and validation in general.

- Let's recontextualize this particular situation a bit more. I show her a video, and she asks, "Who's that bitch?" about a random girl that hangs around. What am I supposed to say "Don't worry baby, you're way smarter than her"? I didn't drop "Don't worry baby, you're hotter than her" out of nowhere. If I made a joke like "that's my other GF," she probably would have punched me in the face.

- This girl can't stand teasing, and almost cries when she hears something negative about her, even though it's 100% clear that I'm joking. Usually, other "western" girls take it with a smile and know that I'm flirting a little, but not this one. This is why I am mentioning self-confidence issues.

I'll change strategy from now on, just acknowledge and cut the thread

 

[Chase]

@reeax,

Given this detail:

- Let's recontextualize this particular situation a bit more. I show her a video, and she asks, "Who's that bitch?" about a random girl that hangs around. What am I supposed to say "Don't worry baby, you're way smarter than her"? I didn't drop "Don't worry baby, you're hotter than her" out of nowhere. If I made a joke like "that's my other GF," she probably would have punched me in the face.

So it sounds like this is supposed to be reassurance:

"Don't worry babe, that girl hanging around me is not a threat because you are better-looking than her."

There are a few natural extrapolations she may make from that:

1. "... but if I start hanging out with a girl better-looking than you are, WATCH OUT!"
   
   
2. "Your primary value to me is your looks, since that's what decides whether I stay faithful to you or not."
   
   
3. "If we stick together long-term and you start aging, you may be in trouble."

Personally, when I have girls get worried about other girls around me, the response is always something like this:

• "Eh, she's not my type."
• "That kind of girl doesn't do it for me."
• "Dude, she's like my sister. That's gross."

Then you just expand on it if she grills you:

HER: Who's that bitch?​

​

YOU: [laughs] That's Janine. I thought you saw her before.​

​

HER: I saw her. But I want to know who she is. How do I know you haven't fucked her?​

​

YOU: [laughs] She's not my type.​

​

HER: What do you mean she's not your type?​

​

YOU: Well, I mean, looks-wise, she could be a lot cuter. Just look at her nose. And why are her eyes so far apart? No tits, either. You know I'm a tits man. Personality-wise, I am not into that anxious type of personality. Those kinds of girls get clingy. No thanks. Last thing I'd want is a clingy jealous stalker hanging around my friend group.​

After you give some detail like that, with specifics on why you wouldn't go for that girl, your girl will normally be satisfied.

You may still get doubts from her: "I know guys bang girls who aren't super beautiful too. I'm not stupid." But she'll still be mostly satisfied. The main fear isn't really "What if he fucks her?" but rather "What if he wants to have a relationship with her?", and you tearing the girl down in both looks and personality tells her you don't have any feelings for that girl (or else you wouldn't want to talk about her that way).

A few extra benefits for you here:

• You don't put your girl on a pedestal any by telling her she's better than this girl, that girl, and the other girl all the time
  
  
• Instead you just write off girls as not being good enough for you, which puts YOU on the pedestal (as being picky)
  
  
• You also look a lot less shallow since you'll generally be giving both looks- and personality-based criticisms of the girl
  
  
• Your girl gets an ego boost from being with you since all these other attractive girls aren't good enough for you but she is. The boost is tied to being with you though, and also means your approval/disapproval carries more weight with her and she wants to work harder to keep it

If perchance she highlights some girl you DO find attractive, then you can just tell her, "Yeah, she's a cutie. But she does this thing I don't like where she blah blah [whatever]."

So, you're being honest, and just highlighting things you aren't excited about about the girl. Pretty much every girl will have something weird or annoying or incompatible with you if you look for it, so it's an easy tactic to pull off, even if the girl in question is gorgeous.

(though I suppose be careful with admitting to the attractiveness of a girl around you often if your girl's the jealous type... lol)

Chase

 

[Will_V]

Great answers above, I'll just add the angle that keeping your agency is one of the most important things in a relationship, especially around the things where you have to give up the most or at least look like you are, the main one being banging other girls.

Nothing maintains a sense of power and authority more than 'I could but I've decided not to'. Because that comes with the ambiguity of not knowing precisely why you've decided not to, and doesn't relieve the pressure of changing your mind being a possibility.

The only power that can restrict your own freedom and simultaneously validate you is your own will. And when you imply that you have made an ethical choice, it sets the frame in her mind that her security in the relationship depends on ethics - yours, and by extension her own, if the frame is set properly.

 

[reeax]

Thank you guys for all your insights. Few comments

@StrayDog One of my ex-GFs teaches graduate courses at a prestigious university. Another is an expert in Eastern religions, and has such a high EQ that I can't compare her to anyone else. Both are very pretty girls. But this one has found a way to get under my skin on an unprecedent level. And what I like best is her looks. So it seems to me that looks alone can beat other qualities. Why not just admit that I love her body then? We have a crazy history of adventures together, and she wants us to live together so I don't think I'm really competing with other guys.

@Chase your analysis and the strategy you use to defuse tension is clever as always. I think this "detailed critique strategy" might actually work, but it also has some flaws. A/ I might not know the other girl well enough to provide that much detail or B/ she might ask something like "how do you know all this about her, are you really trying to get to know her or something?". And then I'm back in a bad place again. PS I don't even know if she's the jealous type or if it's something else.

@Will_V she hates ambiguity. As soon as something is unclear, she says "stop playing with me and say what you mean". I actually lead her most of the time - and she loves it - but she has very strong frames on some subjects. Floating ideas that you're the prize, or that you have a choice but you chose her, works pretty well with almost any girl - but not on this one. That's probably one of the reasons why she got under my skin.

 

[Chase]

@reeax,

With a lot of this stuff, it's basically down to rhetorical skill.

Improve yours, and you can sidestep these kind of 'gotcha' traps with ease.

A/ I might not know the other girl well enough to provide that much detail or

"I don't even know who that chick is, aside from attaching a name to a face."

"The only thing I know about her is she has a huge forehead and a weird laugh."

Etc.

B/ she might ask something like "how do you know all this about her, are you really trying to get to know her or something?"

"She's been in my circle for like three years. I can describe everybody who's been in it that long that way. How about you ask me about some of the dudes?"

And then I'm back in a bad place again.

It's all just rhetoric. The better you are at handling challenges, objections, and rebuttals, the easier sidestepping this stuff gets.

PS I don't even know if she's the jealous type or if it's something else.

Every girl asks things like this, jealous types or not.

It's important for her to gauge where her man's head is at:

• Will he just submit/kiss up? "I would never want any girl but you!" If so, does she believe it?
• Will he turn defensive? "Will you get off my nuts already! Why are you always grilling me?"
• Will he start tripping around? "Um, I, uh... well you know, it's not like we... y'see..."
• Will he confess to something? "Sigh... okay... the truth is, I actually did blah blah.."
• Will he just be casual about it? "Dude, don't be crazy. She's, like, not at all my type. Don't insult me!"

Etc.

When girls see other girls around you, prepare to answer those, "Who is she?" "How do you know her?" "Did you fuck her?" etc. questions.

Just goes with the LTR territory...

Chase