Don't know where to start but I'll start by writing that today will be 1.5 years since I've known "Tara." I'm from the US and she's from a country in Western Europe.
I saw her a few times while she was a receptionist at the place I was staying. We made serious eye contact on my last day and we eventually exchanged numbers. I left her country for a business trip to Greece.
There, we started what would be deeply felt emails and text messages. We really went for it in many levels. I started to think about her every day of that trip. Many days later, I met her at the airport in her country, had a three hour layover, lets just say the chemistry was off the meters. We kissed for the duration of the time. I said goodbye and began once again the emails and texts messages with her. I was now in New York.
She eventually came to NYC for 18 days. We rented a flat for that time and spent all waking minutes together.
But things started to turn.
What I thought would be the beginnig of something turned out to be what she called, "friends." I was like, ok, cool. I'm just confused cause the way we shared ourselfs, physically and mentally, is something friends don't do. I mean she told me she loved me and I said the same.
She left back to her country in good spirits. She eventually went to London with some guy friend. yeah, I was thrown back a little but then I was talking to girls as well. so I just let it go.
The thing that bothered me was her flip flops. We are together. We are friends. Back and forth. yeah, it crossed my mind for you guys out there -- am i being played!!!
Months of deeper conversations and connections, she started breaking down emotionally more and more: crying over Skype, saying that she feels depressed without me, that there's emptiness in her. I believed her cause I could she it in her wet eyes, her body shivers.
So she's depressed without me but still touting this friend thing. I continued to be confused!! Didn't know what to do! She showed signs of Apathy, like yeah, she didn't care, or didn't givea shit about certain things, about a lot of things. This was a symptom of a disease she would eventually confessed to me that she probably has.
Yes, she dropped that bomb on me, "I have a terminal disease. My father has it and he's slowly dying." I was fucked in the head after that. Shocked to say the least. Why didn't she tell me this before?? Like she waited 7 fucking months!!! After she hooked me in.
She thought I would leave her if she told me. But I didn't. I helped her out in anyway possible. I was in the medical field and started to see what I could do for her. This was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster that had taken a big part of my life for months. I did it because I have compassion. I believed that if someone is in need that I should lend a hand. I would want the same to be done for me if I was in a similar situation.
Moving forward a few months (after intense day to day skypes, texts, emails), she did something very strange. She was set to be tested and I would be there physically for her, yeah, me flying to her country, since she was embarrassed to tell her close friends at the time. I said, yeah, I will be there, not a problem. So we set it for April, but she wanted to wait for the actual appointment. I booked a ticket anyway cause of price increases and knowing that sometime in April she would have the doctor's appointment. I was to stay there for a month, do some remote work, set meetings with colleagues and be with her.
Well, when I told her that I booked the ticket, she got upset and we argued, rarely did we argue before. I said, how selfish could this girl be, i'm buying a ticket to cross the atlantic and she's getting upset cause I didn't tell her the exact date. So freaking strange.
We didn't talk for two months after that. Yes, I lost the ticket! But during that time I started dating anohter woman, but I was still thinking of Tara.
Dying Tara!!
I read that the disease causes cognitive degeneration, meaning her logic is out the window. So I convinced myself that ok, maybe it was the disease and not her that's causing this bizarre behavior. That feeling of being fucked with!
After two months of no contact, we started talking again.
She hadn't been tested yet. She was to be tested two weeks later. I was there for her. No, I didn't fly there. I was there for her over emails, texts, Skype etc. She was a total RECK!!!
She came out negative. No Disease. I was left dumbfounded. Not that I wanted any a positive result but that meant her personality and her ways were not caused by this diesase. it was her. I was shocked.
And called off our contact immediately after that result.
She would, during this time, say how she loved me, but wasn't in love, then how she was in need of me. yeah, I returned none of her emails.
She would say one thing then flip and say the opposite. This was her. This was her personality. But I was still in love with her. Attached to that emotional connection we had during that waiting time, waiting for her to be tested.
She wants to be my friend but I feel that she is using me for advice, for my expereince, knowledge about the world. She's lost, almost to a point of being a blonde as in ditzy. I even spoke to some doctor friends and they tell me that even though she was negative she may have a "like" syndrome of that diease if she shows signs of symptoms for that disease. Which to me she did.
My point in all this is my attachement to her still lingers. And I'm trying my best to let her go emotionally. I see other women. I pick up girls. No problem. But she's on my mind CONSTANTLY. I'm like stuck. Cause I know that even if I do go back with her, we won't last. IT turns out she spews out white lies to a point of compulsion which I never confronted her for.
Maybe I'm attached to the chase, to the emotional level that I never shared with anyone else, to that "let me help a human being out.."
Trying to let go... It's fucking hard!!!!
I saw her a few times while she was a receptionist at the place I was staying. We made serious eye contact on my last day and we eventually exchanged numbers. I left her country for a business trip to Greece.
There, we started what would be deeply felt emails and text messages. We really went for it in many levels. I started to think about her every day of that trip. Many days later, I met her at the airport in her country, had a three hour layover, lets just say the chemistry was off the meters. We kissed for the duration of the time. I said goodbye and began once again the emails and texts messages with her. I was now in New York.
She eventually came to NYC for 18 days. We rented a flat for that time and spent all waking minutes together.
But things started to turn.
What I thought would be the beginnig of something turned out to be what she called, "friends." I was like, ok, cool. I'm just confused cause the way we shared ourselfs, physically and mentally, is something friends don't do. I mean she told me she loved me and I said the same.
She left back to her country in good spirits. She eventually went to London with some guy friend. yeah, I was thrown back a little but then I was talking to girls as well. so I just let it go.
The thing that bothered me was her flip flops. We are together. We are friends. Back and forth. yeah, it crossed my mind for you guys out there -- am i being played!!!
Months of deeper conversations and connections, she started breaking down emotionally more and more: crying over Skype, saying that she feels depressed without me, that there's emptiness in her. I believed her cause I could she it in her wet eyes, her body shivers.
So she's depressed without me but still touting this friend thing. I continued to be confused!! Didn't know what to do! She showed signs of Apathy, like yeah, she didn't care, or didn't givea shit about certain things, about a lot of things. This was a symptom of a disease she would eventually confessed to me that she probably has.
Yes, she dropped that bomb on me, "I have a terminal disease. My father has it and he's slowly dying." I was fucked in the head after that. Shocked to say the least. Why didn't she tell me this before?? Like she waited 7 fucking months!!! After she hooked me in.
She thought I would leave her if she told me. But I didn't. I helped her out in anyway possible. I was in the medical field and started to see what I could do for her. This was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster that had taken a big part of my life for months. I did it because I have compassion. I believed that if someone is in need that I should lend a hand. I would want the same to be done for me if I was in a similar situation.
Moving forward a few months (after intense day to day skypes, texts, emails), she did something very strange. She was set to be tested and I would be there physically for her, yeah, me flying to her country, since she was embarrassed to tell her close friends at the time. I said, yeah, I will be there, not a problem. So we set it for April, but she wanted to wait for the actual appointment. I booked a ticket anyway cause of price increases and knowing that sometime in April she would have the doctor's appointment. I was to stay there for a month, do some remote work, set meetings with colleagues and be with her.
Well, when I told her that I booked the ticket, she got upset and we argued, rarely did we argue before. I said, how selfish could this girl be, i'm buying a ticket to cross the atlantic and she's getting upset cause I didn't tell her the exact date. So freaking strange.
We didn't talk for two months after that. Yes, I lost the ticket! But during that time I started dating anohter woman, but I was still thinking of Tara.
Dying Tara!!
I read that the disease causes cognitive degeneration, meaning her logic is out the window. So I convinced myself that ok, maybe it was the disease and not her that's causing this bizarre behavior. That feeling of being fucked with!
After two months of no contact, we started talking again.
She hadn't been tested yet. She was to be tested two weeks later. I was there for her. No, I didn't fly there. I was there for her over emails, texts, Skype etc. She was a total RECK!!!
She came out negative. No Disease. I was left dumbfounded. Not that I wanted any a positive result but that meant her personality and her ways were not caused by this diesase. it was her. I was shocked.
And called off our contact immediately after that result.
She would, during this time, say how she loved me, but wasn't in love, then how she was in need of me. yeah, I returned none of her emails.
She would say one thing then flip and say the opposite. This was her. This was her personality. But I was still in love with her. Attached to that emotional connection we had during that waiting time, waiting for her to be tested.
She wants to be my friend but I feel that she is using me for advice, for my expereince, knowledge about the world. She's lost, almost to a point of being a blonde as in ditzy. I even spoke to some doctor friends and they tell me that even though she was negative she may have a "like" syndrome of that diease if she shows signs of symptoms for that disease. Which to me she did.
My point in all this is my attachement to her still lingers. And I'm trying my best to let her go emotionally. I see other women. I pick up girls. No problem. But she's on my mind CONSTANTLY. I'm like stuck. Cause I know that even if I do go back with her, we won't last. IT turns out she spews out white lies to a point of compulsion which I never confronted her for.
Maybe I'm attached to the chase, to the emotional level that I never shared with anyone else, to that "let me help a human being out.."
Trying to let go... It's fucking hard!!!!
