Energy Balance: Am I Troubleshooting This Right?

[Adam101]

I've been at this for a few months now. And considering where I was starting out I have come a very long way. That being said I'm still not getting any serious results (Reciprocal texts, dates, sex, etc.). I seem to have a lot of difficulty in drawing in a woman / holding her interest. My compliments get me their attention, and sometimes I can make a fun encounter out of it. But I have yet to get to a point where I think "Wow this is a great conversation." nor do I find myself in a position where I can start to flirt and potentially introduce some sexual frames.

It's been frustrating but after reading Colt's recent (and fantastic) article on K-selection plus my adventures last night I think I have an idea as to where I'm messing up but I'm not sure. For the sake of brevity, I started up some conversations with some absolutely knock-out women... But their attention got diverted as soon as it began just about. Regardless of the reason, the bottom line is they obviously did not value me enough to continue engaging or even politely end the interaction.

What I've been doing so far is I'll go up to a woman and say something like "Excuse me, you are an absolutely stunning woman and I just had to come over and say hi." I get positive responses from this but here's the thing, my delivery is low key. Not dry, but I try to be calm with a little inflection. What I am attempting to communicate is "Yes, you are beautiful and I want you. But I am not gonna oogle and pine away for you in a corner like everyone else." I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm better at this than I think I am, and so what ends up being communicated is that the girl isn't THAT interesting to me, just another hottie IE not special and every girl wants to be special, while also pumping my value too highly at the outset resulting in an auto-rejection.

I brought up Colt's article because there was something I noticed that he, the guy in the example video, and other experienced guys do that I don't. And that is they DO emphasize their compliments and make it a big deal. By nature I'm an excitable guy...and when I discovered this site it was pointed out that my excitement reads as feminine energy so I've made a conscious effort to tone it down. But now I'm thinking I've gone too far.

So here's an example of how I'm thinking to adjust and I wanted some advice. My idea is to change my wording and emphasis to make meeting her seem like a big deal...in the moment. So instead of "Excuse me, you are an absolutely stunning woman." I would try to position myself to "notice" her and then say "Oh wow...you are. Fucking! Stunning!" Between the latest articles on this site (including Chase's today about being dirty) and that red head dropping an N bomb cause the bar didn't have her favorite beer inserting some cursing seems to be in order although maybe "fuck" is a little overboard.

To clarify things further I'm thinking less Don Draper (the style I'm primarily using as a model) and more Wedding Crashers' Vince Vaughn. Am I on to something here or am I completely missing the mark?

 

[Chase]

Adam-

Sounds like you might be coming in too low key, yeah.

Even if you're going for "calm", you still want to make sure that you are communicating to women that you are interested in them.

You'll see a lot of newer guys try to go "neutral" in their energy levels, because they are nervous that if a girl notices they are interested, it will shift the balance of power in her favor and then she'll reject them or toy with them for kicks. So what ends up happening is they try to use words to make the girl interested in them, instead of relying on the emotional contagion of showing up and actually BEING interested.

I'd recommend this article on emotional contagion:

Emotional Contagion in Seduction and Socializing

... and this one on being smooth (note the video clip - it's about expressing your interest in a controlled way, rather than hiding that interest under a mask of COMPLETE nonchalance):

How to Be Smooth with Girls Every Time

The only time you want to seem TOTALLY calm and uninterested is when you start talking to a girl and she's just giving you nothing. If you detect that she's doing that because she thinks you're lower value/status than she is, it's best to start acting bored and distracted and wait for her to start investing more (conversely, if it's because she feels like you're out of her league, you actually want to go warmer here so she gets more comfortable).

Generally, start out rather warm and sincere to meet her. Maybe the best way of thinking about opening energy levels is "I am excited, but in a curious, 'let's-see-if-she's-as-cool-as-she-looks' way." Go for "intrigued" rather than "horny" or "nervous" or "jumping out of my skin" or "bored" or "super calm", etc. Intrigued is a flattering-enough emotion that women who will respond to you will instantly start showing you good things, while women who aren't interested won't try to get into some kind of self-aggrandizing power game with you, because intrigued is high level and high status (and most women know better than to try their hand at power games with high level guys).

Chase

 

[Adam101]

It's an honor to get a direct reply from the man himself. This is a really belated reply but I've been busy out there trying to practice what you preach. I did want to follow up though.

So...while I didn't get the chance to read your response and those articles before I went out that weekend, when I came back and read them the one on emotional contagion explained the events of my evening 100%. I had made a point to up my energy levels and general and, as you suggested, be more curious than anything. I started my night chatting up a few guys actually building some social momentum and got into a conversation with a guy hosting a bachelor party for his brother-in-law to be. He revealed to me that he was looking for girls so I decided to follow his lead. He opened up a group of 4 women and it was shortly after that I casually introduced myself into the group.

What followed is I soon found myself juggling a conversation with three of the girls while he was off to the side missing big with the one he chose. I have to say I think I was comfortable in part because I wasn't all that attracted to any of the women in the group, but the night was out of the norm for me in the sense that I was of a higher energy level and as a result the girls had a lot of fun talking to me. One even referred to me as being "great but extremely cocky" which is an adjective I never get. The other thing too was these women, in their own way, flat out admitted they were triple teaming me via shit testing and were impressed I could hang so smoothly. It was a great confidence booster and my takeaway was that night I was able to mix a high energy level with fun. But why didn't I try to take things further? Looking back, I was high on my high energy and so I lost sight of my process and the one thing I didn't do in all that time talking to them is I did not once compliment them on how they looked that night. I expressed interest and complimented them on what they did and their goals, but as far as how they looked and came across right then and there? Nothing. Plus I could of casually asked for all their numbers and gotten them but didn't think to. As a result there was a point where they all went cold on me and that was that. Positive. Instructive. And proves you are always right on the money.

Conversely, I had low energy experience 2 weeks ago. Admittedly I was very styled out compared to the norm for where I live, and I wasn't at the bar maybe 10 minutes when a girl walked up to me and I guess based on looks and vibe alone asked me to take a shot with her. I didn't even so much as say hello and as we started talking she paid for our shots. So yeah, I've had a girl buy me a drink on sight alone...never thought that would happen. I had complimented her on her eyes but I was definitely going for a relaxed vibe which is what I believe turned her off because shortly after the shot she exited the conversation. I think despite what I was saying I came off as disinterested because of my low energy.

My final takeaway from these experiences is also a distinction that I personally find helpful; rather than be excited be impressed. It seems when I think "impressed" it helps get that right mix of "interested" without "I'm already jumping out of my clothes." Anyway a fantastic lesson I wanted to share and I thank you for it as well as all the others you and your team continue to teach me.