Ex sees new gf in your bed

[Whizzy]

This hasn't happened to me before and caught me completely off guard. Not sure how to handle it long term, if I was my gf I would have some trust issues since my ex broke down in sobs and one of my suitemates tried to throw me under the bus.

 

[Franco]

Whizzy,

Need more details here. Why is your ex-girlfriend in your bedroom in the first place? And what did your suitemate do to throw you under the bus -- and why?

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

Whizzy,

Need more details here. Why is your ex-girlfriend in your bedroom in the first place? And what did your suitemate do to throw you under the bus -- and why?

- Franco

Sorry for the lack of details before Franco, I was in a bit of a rush. My ex-gf was trying to get back together with me for the past month and I was having none of it, so she had a habit of trying to bring my gifts and whatnot in order to win me back. I made the mistake of not locking my door (I live in a suite inside of a dorm) when I went to class as my current gf was still asleep and I guess the ex stopped by to bring me coffee.

As for the story with this particular suitemate, he were both RAs last semester and when he got fired he took it personally and we stopped talking to one another essentially as I had no desire to get into unnecessary fights. As I was in class he took it upon himself to "have a mediation" and have them talk it out...one of the worlds worst ideas if the ex is sobbing histarically and my gf just woke up. To throw me under the bus since we hadnt talked in some time he assumed my ex and I were still together and sided with her more or less. I ended up leaving my class, thinking damage control while I can, and end up getting there right as my gf was about to leave the campus. I go straight to her and try to see if she is okay, etc first as she is my primary concern. After that I deal with my ex and after her friend shows up I don't really say much and show next to no emotion (her friend is trying to egg me on but Im not giving her much room to fight) and go out to grab breakfast at a diner with my gf when the ex leaves with her friend. Luckily my girlfriend seems okay with things and we laugh at the whole situation/my ex.

 

[Franco]

It sounds like things are fine with your girlfriend (which is most important), and I figured it probably wouldn't hurt your relationship with her. If anything, it's a great boost of pre-selection that your ex desperately wants you back!

As far as your RA, it sounds like he got caught up in a situation where he had to intervene because you weren't there. I would say nothing really needs to be done between you two because it sounds like a situation that (hopefully) shouldn't happen again. So unless you two encounter each other a lot and there have been other issues you've been having, I would probably not confront him about anything or act any differently around him.

Besides those two, it sounds like you do need to take some action with your ex-girlfriend, however. I'm not sure how your break-up went down, but it might be worth having a conversation with her and letting her know that she can't come by your place like that unannounced anymore. Here are some of things you should probably include in your conversation:

• You'll always be her friend
• It was a great relationship and you're glad you had it
• You'd be selfish to let her know that she can stop by any time when you can't give her what she wants or needs

You might even want to dump some blame on yourself to soften the emotional blow to her. At this point, you already know what you want (and it's your current girlfriend), so it can help to try to show her that you are NOT what she wants (so she doesn't go home crying herself to sleep every night). So you can tell her, "look, I'm nowhere near settling down with any girl right now. Stable, long-term relationships or marriage are something that is not in the cards for me. There are men out there that feel differently about that, and they can give you what you want and what you need. I hope you understand."

Then from there, you need to cut contact with her (at least in the sense that you aren't contacting her for anything). Your original mistake was probably not making the break-up between you and your ex-girlfriend finalized enough, otherwise she wouldn't be trying to win you back so soon. If she has any hope that your break-up was not final, then that's what'll usually cause her to try to win you back.

This would be my recommendation. After it's done, you can probably mention to your girlfriend that you had a talk with your ex to let her know things are over between the two of you. And you can also mention letting you know right away if your ex begins to contact or harass her in any way.

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

I agree with the pre-selection and was thinking the same thing myself. The real problem I have with the old RA is that while I am still one and he is not he keeps trying to act like one anyways, often in negative ways. I have had to confront him a couple times about other issues as well, but I try to give him his space and not make a huge deal of things.

In terms of taking action with my ex-girlfriend, she has already done her "call to arms" in order to try "ruining me at the school" she told my girlfriend so I've gotten a few messages thus far but nothing too big...ironically enough one was from another previous ex! Right now I haven't responded to anything from them, as I am contemplating letting it blow over, at least for a day or two until my ex can calm down. This is one of the many reasons I stopped dating girls at my school recently, they all seem to know one another since this is a small liberal arts college.

 

[Franco]

Whizzy,

I am contemplating letting it blow over, at least for a day or two until my ex can calm down.

Yeah, I guess if shots have already been fired, then waiting until the smoke blows away is your best bet.

This is one of the many reasons I stopped dating girls at my school recently, they all seem to know one another since this is a small liberal arts college.

Can't say I don't agree! Once you learn how great "true" cold approach is (for both seduction, social circle, and relationships), it's hard to even want to go back to dating girls who have ties to other parts of your life. It's so much easier to date a girl that you can not only be very "secretive" with during your time together but also break ties very easily once the two of you are no longer seeing each other.

Nothing sucks more than having to see friends and/or family of your ex-girlfriend/casual partner whom you were seeing on a regular basis!

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

Quick update via a friend:

*Insert country song of revenge as facebook status*
friend 1: bla bla, watch my back, karma etc
ex: Bahahaha exactly! Was just listening to my favorite country girls and plotting my revenge. He'll regret it and I'll be moved on. Love you more!
friend 2: Im here princess if you wanna talk or need an alibi....just saying. I love you
ex: Ha I'd rather let him sit on what he did and know what he let go. So I'm focusing on me and enjoying to view of the mess he made and all the people at school that now know what kind of person he is

Uhhhhh not really worried about it or anything but is it me or is this a little immature? There were a couple other pieces to this post but nothing worth putting in aside from her friends chiming in on hating me

 

[Franco]

Whizzy,

Remember, a girl's reputation is EVERYTHING to her. The second she feels undermined by you (without a shot at having you), she'll have no problem throwing you right under the bus to protect her own self-worth. Keep in mind that she still needs to find a male partner in this world, and it doesn't look promising or bode well in the sexual marketplace when she's publicly replaced by another girl.

With this in mind, I would just have a quick smile, accept it for what it is, and don't encourage it any further. Anything you do to give her feedback at this point will only give her more ammunition to fire your way, so just ignore all of it.

But I'm sure you already know this.

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

But of course I did I had just never gotten to the point where I ended up hearing the exact words out of someones mouth when they tried to throw me under the bus.