Fear of Being Hurt by Women

[Yhaceed]

Bboy

I just met someone today that just happened to look like a friend I met over 10 years ago and they have the same name which was interesting. I didn't even realize this at first though because the girl I met today was wearing sunglasses. My friend and I connected pretty well years ago but due to the situation in which we met there was only so far for our relationship to go. It was actually mutual I think and we just enjoyed being friends. I don't think she would have done anything to hurt me either. Anyway the girl I met today may potentially be another good friend but it could go beyond friendship also. Now my point is either of these two women could hurt me but I doubt they would and I'll meet plenty of other people who I'll enjoy just as much if not more. So what are the chances all of them will do something to hurt me? A few could but all of them? I think it's safe to say most won't go that far (of course they'll do things I don't like but so will I). And any woman that would would probably know there's someone else just waiting to take her place. And as for screening the same pretty much applies because you already know who you like dating or being friends with not to mention family and I think you already know most of them wouldn't try to hurt you at least intentionally. Also I understand friends are different but I'm looking at the numbers. I've actually felt the same way you have especially since studying this website as if there's going to be trouble that I don't want to deal with but I keep meeting people that are cool. I'm meeting even more girls that I'd go out with. I don't know everything about them and them telling me that they don't cheat is bullshit cause anyone can change their normal behavior in a hot second. So yeah I could screen for that but I think you should look at the probabilities instead. And I'd guess you've been pretty lucky with most of your relationships already. So you should probably quit worrying about it. Anyway hope that helps.

~Yhaceed

 

[Marcellus]

How can I know 100% sure that she will never cheat on me?

How can I know 100% that this business will be successful?

How can I know 100% sure that I'm going to get heaps of muscle when I sign up at the gym?

How can I know 100% sure that I won't die tomorrow?

They all sound like the same thing to me, they all need a guarantee! But that's not how life works, you don't really get any guarantee's in life, you might not even be alive tomorrow for crying out loud haha.

Look, I feel for you Bboy, you don't want to feel the emotional toll that heartbreak brings. You can't bear the thought of it. But I'll tell you right now, you will never have a 100% guarantee that a woman won't cheat on you or won't even break up with you, it's just never going to happen. There are some things in life which are very certain and guaranteed (e.g- You have a 60-day money back guarantee if the product is faulty, pressing the power button turns on the TV etc..)

There's always a certain risk involved in most things that we do, you risk your life everytime you drive for example. And yet that doesn't stop us from doing these things, relationships are the exact same, there's a risk and anything could happen but.... you still push forward and enter them anyways. Don't let your irrational fear of heartbreak/cheating stop you from dating these beautiful angels.

-M

 

[Raqimus]

I have a similar problem. I dated a girl two years ago, the girl from Barcelona. We were in a "relationship" for six months and it has taken me about a year and some change to heal. Of course I still think about her, and it was the same with other girls I had immense feelings for. At the same time I've decided to accept the heartbreak. I know it will happen and I smile when it does because it means that, that person has meant something to me. When it comes to closing off due to fear of being hurt, I accept it and I open myself to it, it may hurt but you can't fully enjoy yourself with another person if your holding yourself back. Just dive in.

 

[Sandman]

I feel you man. After sleeping with girls who have boyfriends, sexting with girls when their boyfriends are sleeping with them, seeing girls who have multiple boyfriends who don't know about each other, hearing confessions of girls who cheated on their boyfriends, witnessing sweet and innocent girls swallowing your cum etc it is a bit hard to believe if any girl can commit to only one man. But I think you should be the strongest man you can be, steer the relationship like a master sailor and accept whatever the fuck that comes next.

We all become the masks we wear. This is a fundamental truth. We are what stories we tell ourselves and what stories the world tells us about who we are. If you start acting like a generous person you, and your friends start viewing you like a generous person, you will become a generous person, period. This is not being not true yourself. You are whatever truth you believe. And your beliefs can change. Our charachter is not set in stone. We are constantly changing and evolving. You don't wanna play games in a relationship and I agree you shouldn't. But relationship management is just another way of story telling. We tell the story and we lead the relationship. Tell the best story that will make you and your girl happy and you're golden (You're the king. You're the man. You love her. She loves you. You are warm. You are caring. You don't put up with bullshit). This is what game is I think. Strenghten your frame by whatever means necessary (practise, acting, affirmation, mediating) and the world will bend to your frame.

As for fear of being hurt by women.... There was an article on gc (can't remember the author) which said you are alone. All relationship will end eventually. This resonated with me on a deep level. You will die eventually. This may make some people bitter but instead it frees me, unburdens me. Instead of trying to hold onto another person because I feel like I have a connection with her I cannot replace I just cherish the moments I have with her (be it a night or for 3 years). I have never been cheated either but before I felt terror at the idea of being cheated. Now my frame is if it happens I'll just cherish all the moments we had and wish her happiness in her life. Because I do not own her. She is her own person. She was just somebody I shared things with and connected. That doesn't mean I won't be upset and feel pain. I will just feel the pain and let it roll over me.

Another thing. Happiness is overrated. It is a fleeting high. It's not good to pursue happiness because it will come and go. There's no end-game. I now only pursue my goals and memories. When die I wanna say I lived. I am a verry happy person btw can't recall the last time I was truly sad (this also has to do with brain's tendency to forget the unpleasant). Because I will frame everything - everything -in a good way.

- Oh I'll never see this woman I had an incredible sex and connection with you say? That's okay. We had an incredible night and I'm a richer man because of that memory.

- My ex is marrying another dude in a few months after she told me how she would never be able to date again for years if we broke up? (After an initial pang if pain) I am happy for her and I hope she becomes happy. She was a wonderful person and she deserves love.

- I embarressed myself when I botched up a job? Oh here's why I screwed up and here's how I can fix it. This is good. I'm polishing up my weaknesses and improving.

I still try to prevent cheating. I wouldn't date a hard party girl for instance. If my gf wanted to go clubbing (and I make it clear in the beginning that I do not date girls who party, nothing against them, just my preference), I would tell her I do not want you to but you're free to go of course with a smile. They get the idea and stay but now it feels more like their choice. And if they went to the party regardless I'd accept that she was who she was and either downgrade her to fwb or cut her off. Or soft next her in order to limit my exposure and get a grip on my feelings.

So accept that it may happen and make your peace with it Being vulnerable is good. Pain is the best teacher.