Fear of starting conversations with the cool crowd

lenny26

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Apr 18, 2021
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7
Hello everybody. My goal is to get out more, and in particular get into a clique of cool people. But I have a problem. I was bullied all the time in high school by kids from the popular crowd and therefore I'm always suspicious of their kind. I stand out a lot because I'm short and I have red hair, and you know, I just don't have the aura of a cool person. I have a feeling that people can sense that I'm a strange man when I go to clubs, bars, and other environments like that. I've been made fun of before, when I tried to approach new people. And because of that I'm always suspicious of guys, not the nerdy guys but the ones who are cool and popular. I'm afraid that if I approach people in clubs and other places where they hang out, they'll be able to sense that I'm a loner/a nerd and will laugh at me, reject me, treat me like a clown, etc. So because of this I'm too afraid to start new conversations with people. What are your suggestions?
 

kristian

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Sep 11, 2015
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I stand out a lot because I'm short and I have red hair, and you know, I just don't have the aura of a cool person....

And because of that I'm always suspicious of guys, not the nerdy guys but the ones who are cool and popular. I'm afraid that if I approach people in clubs and other places where they hang out, they'll be able to sense that I'm a loner/a nerd and will laugh at me, reject me, treat me like a clown, etc.
Seems like this issue stems from limiting beliefs. Were all afraid of being made fun of for whatever reason. Is it so that you really stand out a lot or is it just in your mind? Often, we attribute things in our reality that is not true, and even if it is, people are too concerned with their own things to even care.

Maybe you should adopt a learning mindset instead of bringing yourself down along the lines of: "I might be weird and all, but I am in a learning process of becoming more charismatic"? Often seeing it this way gets you out of yourself and more on becoming greater at social arts. After all, it is a skill like anything else.

Another thing that worked for me is to find mentors or naturals that resemble you. You characterize yourself as a "short guy with red hair", guess what? Owen Cook is one of those guys and he has lots of success with the so-called popular people. Look him up on youtube (in case you haven't) and see what he is about. He also got rid of limiting beliefs regarding his height and looks.

You must remember that this journey is all about self-discovery and shattering beliefs that no longer serves you. It can be painful, and can take years, but well worth your time and investment.
 

Rakehell

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Mar 28, 2021
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683
Hello everybody. My goal is to get out more, and in particular get into a clique of cool people. But I have a problem. I was bullied all the time in high school by kids from the popular crowd and therefore I'm always suspicious of their kind. I stand out a lot because I'm short and I have red hair, and you know, I just don't have the aura of a cool person. I have a feeling that people can sense that I'm a strange man when I go to clubs, bars, and other environments like that. I've been made fun of before, when I tried to approach new people. And because of that I'm always suspicious of guys, not the nerdy guys but the ones who are cool and popular. I'm afraid that if I approach people in clubs and other places where they hang out, they'll be able to sense that I'm a loner/a nerd and will laugh at me, reject me, treat me like a clown, etc. So because of this I'm too afraid to start new conversations with people. What are your suggestions?
Hey Lenny, I actually went through this during my freshman year in highschool shortly. It’s a very nerve racking thing and it stems from being self conscious, and expecting things from others without having anything to give back in return.

Once I figured out what the problem was I
killed it in less than a week and made myself someone desirable to a deep well of people. Wanna know what the trick was? Going out not caring whether people received me well or not, this does not mean I was rude but rather I was friendly for the sake of being friendly and not to be accepted or to make friends.

Its like doing a favor without expecting something in return. If you complement a guy on his shoes and then walk away, it makes him feel as if you were genuinely complementing his shoes and not just saying it so that he’d wanna hang out with you. That kind of behavior is needy and generally repels people. You have to enter these venues completely content in leaving without gaining what you were searching for.

As for your past, you need to shed it. If you’ve been reading the articles on fundamentals for a while and implementing them you have all the tools to be a cool person. Most normal people aren’t gonna reject you harshly like we did during grade school. Everyone goes through something and everyone thinks they are a little weird or ugly, even me and people tell me im exceedingly handsome all the time. But the thing is none of it really matters and people don't care as much as you think.

If you TRULY want to join these cool groups you need to first, go out knowing that they may not accept you, keep being a cool sexy guy, keep going out and trying and being friendly, knowing that if they accept you or not is all up to chance and there’s nothing you can really change about that.

Make sure your style, and posture are great, forget the color of your hair and focus on being someone people will want around. (Someone who isn’t needy, or a social burden, someone who can keep the conversation going, someone who can tell cool stories, bring girls into the group, or get the group attention).

You think these groups are cool because they are actively doing things to be perceived as cool. They won’t want someone who cant hold their own weight around. So what you HAVE to do is genuinely be a cool person, but don’t do it for them do it for you. If you can be valuable in that sense while also remaining friendly and sociable with strangers around you, people will be glad to accept you or include you. This means treating the nerds, the staff, the cool guys, the hot girls, and the old folks as if they were all the same. Because at the end of the day we all are just people.

I’m working on not being so long winded, but I hope this information proves useful. Once you get into these groups you’ll begin to realize that they are just people, and won’t pedastalize them as much.

Adios.
 

lenny26

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Joined
Apr 18, 2021
Messages
7
Maybe you should adopt a learning mindset instead of bringing yourself down along the lines of: "I might be weird and all, but I am in a learning process of becoming more charismatic"? Often seeing it this way gets you out of yourself and more on becoming greater at social arts. After all, it is a skill like anything else.
Thanks. But, don't you think it would be better for me to assume that I'm already cool, rather than make a statement where I admit to being wierd?
 

lenny26

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Apr 18, 2021
Messages
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I’m working on not being so long winded, but I hope this information proves useful. Once you get into these groups you’ll begin to realize that they are just people, and won’t pedastalize them as much.
No, you wrote beautifully. It was not long winded, and it was very a useful explanation. Thanks! If I may, I'd like to ask you something else, but I put it in a separate thread so that other people can see it - https://www.skilledseducer.com/thre...llect-to-be-accepted-by-the-cool-crowd.24355/
 
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Regal Tiger

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Mar 16, 2015
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Thanks. But, don't you think it would be better for me to assume that I'm already cool, rather than make a statement where I admit to being wierd?
Never lie to your brain. It will reject any and all attempts (unless you're able to delude yourself which takes a shit ton of time).

Instead, go with the growth mindset: "Hey, I'm weird now but I'm doing xy and z to get better. Hell, I just had a great interaction the other day which is proof that I'm getting better!"

Accept where you are currently at and work to get better. Then, anytime a negative thought floats into your brain try to catch it:
"I'm weird"
"True brain, true. I am a little weird. But I'm learning to become cool. Also, other people started out where I'm at now and look at how far they've come! I can get there too, probably even easier than them because I'm learning from other cool people who are able to teach this stuff. I'll get there in no time"

Eventually, you'll grow into that cool person you're trying to become. As long as you stick with it. Just takes time.

First you gotta learn something mentally/intellectually. But then you have to learn something on a gut/instinctual level. Just takes experience. Knowledge helps a lot though because it gives you a road map to follow.

Following a map is a lot easier than just bumbling around in the dark.

Quick Edit:
The four stages of learning comes to mind:

1) You don't know what you don't know. In other words, you're stupid and don't know that you're stupid (a lot of League of Legends players are like this... sons'a bitches ruining my games)
2) You know that you don't know a lot. In other words, you're stupid and you know that you're stupid (this is me in regards to this damn game... really need to stop playing it lol)
3) You know a few things, but you have to stay on top of it in order to be good at something. In other words, with a lot of effort you can be dangerous
4) You've forgotten what you already know (I forget how to word this actual stage). But in other words, you know stuff that you don't know that you know. Kinda like a fish trying to explain what water is. Or like how you try to explain what reading is to someone born without eyesight. Here's an even better one: try to explain colors to blind people who have never seen anything. You know what the color red is, you recognize it, you can point it out and even come up with examples of other stuff that's red. But good luck explaining what it is (without cheating).

--> Another fun one; try explaining how the internet works to your grandpa. I have enough trouble explaining how his desktop operates...


Chase has a similar article about this:
1: Jester => High Effort, Low Returns
2: Uknown => Low Effort, Low Returns
3: Peasant => High Effort, High Returns
4: King => Low Effort, High Returns
 
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