Feeling of Living in a Dysfunctional Family

[Jack Swave]

Hi everyone,

I keep telling myself that I'm no good of a person and no matter what I do I'm just a problem to society. I'm coming from the hospital after being treated for chronic depression. I live at home with parents and siblings. Im 20 and the oldest child for my married parents.

For all my life I've been a family scapegoat. I am rejected by wider society and don't know why. My family hates me and everyday they quarrel with me. In summary I have lost all hope. Normal people wouldn't want to be with a man that doesn't have a family. I don't have friends. What should I do when I meet a girl and she wants to meet my family? Or friends?

How do I deal with of pain of never being loved. My mom has never hugged me as far as I knew myself. She hugs all my siblings and it really hurts. How do I deal with the pain?

Troy

 

[Palpability]

Bubinile-

Submerge yourself into the wonderful world of seduction. You're not trying to have these girls meet mother anyway.

I can't relate to your home life, I've always been the gray sheep, not the black sheep.

As far as your depression goes, besides taking up the lifestyle change of seduction > reproduction. I highly suggest studying Chakra Therapy it has been a huge benefit in my life to read and get an interesting view as to why I find myself so jaded, bi-polar, clouded at times. The first step for me was identification, I had seen a psychologist and they didn't try to identify what the roots of my problems were, they tried to throw pills at me. If you're having a hard time at home, and it's HUGELY affecting your mentality, then i think we know the root of your problem.. although more often than not the root doesn't make up our whole tree of issues. Pick up another job, maintain 2 interesting hobbies, read one interesting/knowledgeable book a month, and get on the fitness tip. You either won't have time to be home, or you'll move your ass out quick. Think about where you wanted to be when you were 18, and why you're not there now. Don't dawdle on the thought, just get there.

I'm trying to adopt this forum as a little sub-family, if you need advice or an ear, P.M. me. I like to believe we're a bunch of decent dudes in effort to attaining a similar skill set. Achievable at it's maximum through team-work!

You're 20 my man, life has barely made itself available to you.

-Charles

 

[Richard]

Thanks for being vulnerable like that.

I'm 27, and still my family scapegoat. It's been that way since day one and I only this year fully accepted that it will never change.

Now, some people may look at that and say "that's not being hopeful enough." However, those people discount that no matter how much work YOU do, the family system only changes when all the different relevant people make a serious effort to do so. One person trying over and over, while the others don't give a shit and refuse to accept responsibility for their roles in the dysfunction, will never work.

There is a downside and an upside to the situation, and I am very much speaking from personal experience here.

The downside is that you are basically alone on your particular life path, though you will eventually find like-minded people who share your temperament and interests. Like myself, you do not have the basic emotional safety net that a family is supposed to provide.

However, there is an upside and a silver lining--though it can be hard to see through the fog and takes years of battle to reach.

The upside is that you, unlike people who rely on / depend on emotional support from others, can learn to be your own best friend and greatest ally.

When you really swallow the pill and decide to build yourself into what you want to be, you can become the kind of Sovereign man that most will never be. I am not saying I am fully there yet myself but I can see the goalposts coming into focus.

When you learn to make it work for you, your solitude can be the most potent tool in your toolbox. Alone does not have to mean lonely. It certainly doesn't for me anymore, and I love my alone time because that's where I can work on my projects and read books and all the other stuff I want to do.

Don't worry about being rejected by society, it's largely made up of people who aren't very smart and their opinions of you shouldn't affect you. Popularity is not a measure of quality, just listen to some of the music on the radio these days. The best, most interesting and unique songs will never see the light of day on radio.

Lastly, and I won't get any deeper into this on this particular forum, there is always a Higher Power waiting to answer your calls for help and guidance from a Perfect Father.

I know the struggle man, and you're in a good place.

Keep your chin up!

I'm with Drexel on this one. Sounds like we come from very similar places and have realized the same things.

I've got nothing to add here.

-Richard

 

[Drck]

I would try to find out what are the causes of your depression first, then try to remove or correct the cause(s), if possible. This might take some time as most professionals may not have answers for you and just hand you pills instead, but I would find out literature about depression and read as much as I can, so I can understand what is the actual underlying problem.

Once you can pinpoint the problem it is much easier to start working on reasonable solution...

Why are you being rejected by family and wider society? Has anything happened in your life that they rejected you? Why do you think so, why do you feel that your family hates you - is it only your perception or is there some reason? Therapists may help you to understand, they may give you the answer. Personally I don't believe that anybody would hate you for no reason, unless they of course have some issues on their own... Other times we 'read' into things that are not really there...

Sometimes is is easier to feel like a victim, perhaps it brings unintentionally the needed attention... and the attention feels good... However, being a victim sends out lots of bad vibes, and the bad vibes are cause of not having enough 'normal' people in life... So person who feels like a victim should remove those feelings and believes, he should be working on removing the self-pity...

Next issue, you cannot really make anyone to love you, not your family and not any girls... Everybody wants to feel liked, loved and admired, that is just a human nature, yet not so many people want to love or admire others. The best way is to start with yourself, try to learn to like yourself the way you are, with all perfections and imperfections you have, with all good and bad that comes with you... People really cannot like you if you don't like yourself at first. You have to learn to like things in your life, find some hobbies, things to do or read, positive stuff... Find passion in some activity, if nothing else, well - at least start lifting weights. You just can't go wrong with lifting weights, or perhaps joining some martial arts club, find friends there...

See, you have a Need for love, you have a Need for being loved - and this Need causes you the pain because the love is not there. Remove the Need and the pain is gone. In stead of desiring love try giving it. It will always come back...

Depression can be serious and recurrent, especially if you were already hospitalized. There could be easy solutions, but there might not be an easy one.... So I would definitely create some basic plan for myself, this way you can have some coping if needed in the future, and you could also move forward with your life... For instance:

1. Find causes of your depression, understand what is depression, find possible solution(s)
2. Change your belief system, your current belief system is quite negative. Focus on being more positive, it might be a cliche for average individual but it is a must for depressed people. Sometimes we just don't get anything in this life, we have to work hard to get what we want...
3. Exercise - lift weights, do martial arts,... Build strong body and healthy mind, build confidence and endurance, build self-esteem and persistence...
4. Find some good friends, 3-4 is good enough, have people to talk to when you are depressed, have numbers to call when you feel down... Simply PLAN ahead.
5. See therapists that can help you with depression. If not, there are good books out there, e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy, New Age,...
6. Work - of course - on seduction, read about relationships, go out and talk to girls, have fun with girls... After all, fun is what life should be about...
7. Sometimes it is good to change the environment you are in. If your family makes you depressed, well, move out. Build your own life, live the way you want. Go to college if you are not in, or find a good job.


Just a thought, there are obviously lots of choices in life and I've never done it myself, but if I were in my early 20's again I would seriously consider joining military. They'll train you for anything, they provide support, they pay for colleges, they can provide you with great education and training... I believe that after 20 years you get good retirement and benefits, you get signed up bonuses, they simply "line up" your life.... I know, many will say that life in military sucks. But so does life many times anyway. I know couple of guys who joined and they can't really complain - they got decent life, decent training/education, decent income, they know lots of people...


Anyway, good luck with whatever way you chose to walk...

 

[Jack Swave]

Hey guys thanks for the replies. I feel a little better. What I struggle with is loving myself. I never received love from my family and it keeps replaying in my mind. Why can't I just love myself even if no one else does?

Why can't I cut the need for validation from people? My therapist says I don't love myself. Maybe people don't hate me, they just don't want to be my friend. I've asked out people, wished them happy birthday on Facebook, and introduced them to high value people yet they don't value me. Yes I'm very awkward and I don't know how to change it. I've talked to a lot of people, read loads of books on social skills improving and how to love myself yet everything falls flat. How do I learn to love myself?

Bubinile

 

[pks391]

Dude you're not alone at all.....trust me....as far as not being loved by the people who raised you i know how it feels.....even I've been there...family fights......dysfunctional relations..... The works.........don't let crap like that get you down....seize control....there are some amazing articles on this site which will help you gain a sense of positivity......keep fighting......good luck with life.....btw m a 23 y/o

 

[Drck]

Change your belief system through affirmations. Your current belief system is: "Nobody loves me, and I need love". Change it to: "Most people are good and friendly, it's great to be around good people". Also: "I feel better and better every day". Simply create lots of positive sentences, write them down and repeat them over and over every day, 2-3 times per day. Flood your brain with positive sentences, and after some while it will become reality.

I don't know if you believe in God or not, but you might benefit from spirituality. There is just something powerful in believing in higher being that is above us and that loves us. Believing that God loves you may totally turn your life around.

Similarly, get a book and read Bhagavad-Gita. It's couple thousands of years old, relatively short text, but the wisdom is amazing. Find some books about Bhakti yoga, it is simply a guidance how to love everything including yourself. Learn to love others, learn to give out love to others - without expecting it back...

Learn to meditate. Meditation brings you to your natural state, you will drop worries, desires, depression, you will just enjoy stillness... You can reach blissful state... Download some meditative music, enjoy...

Understand that have the NEED for love, which makes you frustrated and depressed since you are not getting love from anyone. If you drop the Need, well, the frustration and depression disappear as well...

Get a dog, puppy if you can. They are amazing, always happy and excited to see you, always wag tail and jump on you... you can learn a lot of happiness from dogs...

There was a great book I read years ago from Louise Hay: You can heal your life. Definitely recommend to read. Learn to forgive and learn to accept things that you can't change...

Accept responsibility for your life. You can't change past, you can't re-do it, don't let it drag you down. Learn to let go of things that you can't change. Life goes on, you are now a grown up man. You have to move forward, you have to learn useful life skills on your own, you have to build your own life, and you should build it the way you want it. Don't be a pussy, be a man...

Go to the nature... Go hiking in the mountains, walk by the sea shore, walk through the quiet woods.... Nature is our home, our ancestors lived in it for millions of years, there is a humbling experience in re-joining the quietness of this world, breathing fresh air, feeling the wind, and forgetting about all the civilized world... Thousands of times better than sitting in the room...


Hope it helps