Finding meaning through a mission and combating big scarcity

[Danny]

Hey Guys, I recently got out of a another relationship that ended due to reasons out of my control, and I have realized how skewed my values are.
I put emotion and meaning in women for relationships and when those relations either fwb or dating end I end up feeling devastated. It takes a lot longer for me to get over the emotions of these ended relationships than my friends.
I have this almost background anxiety where I will have thoughts or ruminations about the failed relationship even while focusing on other activities and it won’t go away even if I’m with other women or hanging with friends. Chase’s article on scarcity and the concept of big scarcity resonated with me and makes me think my problem could be not having a clear enough mission or purpose and feeling that subconsciously.

I have recently been accepted into medical school and it has always been my dream to go and be a doctor. I logically believe this is my purpose or mission but it’s almost like I can’t emotionally or subconsciously believe it and I keep putting meaning in women and relationships to point that all my anxiety’s and worries are focused on women. After a failed relationship, I struggle to do the things I need to and feel like the approach grind becomes pointless Like a never ending rollercoaster ride
and that relationships are amazing to be in but they are like drug addictions with constant highs and lows that will eventually end.

So, I am reaching out to hear your guy’s thoughts on big scarcity and the difficulty of letting people go. Also for those of you that have a mission or purpose how do you feel your mission emotionally and not just logically be aware because I think my body feels like the girl is the mission. Thanks for listening!

 

[Tony D]

Personally, my mission to be good with women lasted about five years. After that I felt I'd learned as much as I needed. However, I invested heavily into this, not only going out to bars and daygaming, but becoming a coach, starting a business, and making it my living.

Since then I've changed my priorities multiple times. Now, I don't really chase women that much, but when I do, I'm very good at it, and always will be. But I find more fulfillment pursuing other paths, like my writing, world travel, family and business stuff.

 

[Danny]

Exactly, So Tony would you say that losing a relationship would still cause you significant pain or has it lessened since you have a mission?

For me losing a relationship feels like the end of the world emotionally. I tell myself there are plenty of other girls and key is to keep approaching, and I still approach but it feels like a never ending grind. The end of the relationship brings on rumination and a depressive state. The actual relationship itself usually feels like a major high when I’m with her and a very slight depression when we are apart. I thought the key to solving this issue was a mission but my mission to be a doctor for some reason isn’t preventing me from having these strong emotions with women.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Danny dude! This will probably sound harsh but it sounds like emotional weakness. A mission won't solve this, it hasn't solved it yet. The issue is you're too emotionally involved. If you feel slightly depressed when you're not with the girl you're using her to make you feel happy. That's not what a relationship is for mostly.

The issue with this is it's toxic, they become your world as you become more and more addicted to them and if they're doing the same it's not healthy, if they're not then you become too needy and they leave.

You're possibly young and this is all new and exciting which can explain the behaviour to an extent but I think being aware of this issue will help you get on top of it. You need to realise what you're doing wrong to be able to fix it.

Usually people swap one habit for another but I think you need to have some self reflection. When a relationship ends some people need time to get over it, personally I agree with this site and what you need to do is meet more girls.

It also sounds like there's some love bombing going on in your relationships.

To combat scarcity meet more girls, to let people go make the decision not to care. It's really easy to stop caring, as soon as you tell yourself they're gone move on you can do it dude. Change your focus and concentrate on something else. Whatever hobbies you've got or whatever you do with friends go and do that. Work hard and study more if that's what interests you.

 

[Fuck This]

Cultivate loving relationships among friends and family. Express your appreciation, and make them feel they can express theirs. I know it is counter intuitive after having your heart ripped out. When you realize there are people who have familial love for you you have a mindset that a girl has to be WORTHY of your time and attention.

A good read between realationships... https://www.amazon.com/Love-Factually-Science-Who-How-ebook/dp/B07HWVJV4Y

 

[Danny]

@Danny dude! This will probably sound harsh but it sounds like emotional weakness. A mission won't solve this, it hasn't solved it yet. The issue is you're too emotionally involved. If you feel slightly depressed when you're not with the girl you're using her to make you feel happy. That's not what a relationship is for mostly.

The issue with this is it's toxic, they become your world as you become more and more addicted to them and if they're doing the same it's not healthy, if they're not then you become too needy and they leave.

You're possibly young and this is all new and exciting which can explain the behaviour to an extent but I think being aware of this issue will help you get on top of it. You need to realise what you're doing wrong to be able to fix it.

Usually people swap one habit for another but I think you need to have some self reflection. When a relationship ends some people need time to get over it, personally I agree with this site and what you need to do is meet more girls.

It also sounds like there's some love bombing going on in your relationships.

To combat scarcity meet more girls, to let people go make the decision not to care. It's really easy to stop caring, as soon as you tell yourself they're gone move on you can do it dude. Change your focus and concentrate on something else. Whatever hobbies you've got or whatever you do with friends go and do that. Work hard and study more if that's what interests you.

Fluxcapacitor, how do I destroy emotional weakness then? What concrete steps do I take? I am already continuing to approach girls and I even hooked up with one 2 days ago. My notch count is in the late teens and I’m 23 years old. I have read every article on girlschase and I Understand the concepts of abundance and there is no special “one.” When I am not in a relationship and have healed from a breakup(after a long long time usually) as a single man or just One night stands then I my disposition is generally happy. It is only in relationships where emotion is involved that I lose myself in infatuation and emotional highs and lows. That is what I’m trying to fix


I am just trying to figure how to not let my emotions overwhelm when I lose relationships or not let those relationships affect me as much and I thought a mission would help but it doesn’t seem to be shaking me out of my funk.

who is love bombing? Me or the girls?

That is the exact issue how do I stop caring so much. I know they are gone but I can’t stop caring I guess? I keep up with my hobbies and friends but my mind wanders back.

 

[Danny]

@Fuck This

thanks man I really appreciate your advice. I realized that I don’t have the best relationship with my immediate family. My mom suffers from mental illness( some form of bipolar or NPD or something not sure so she is difficult to deal with) my dad escapes by being a workaholic and never at home. I have a younger brother who is glued to electronic screens constantly. Maybe the familial love or friendship love is what I need more. One day I’ll try to get a dog or something too maybe that will help? I will definitely check out that book. Thank you!

 

[Fuck This]

here is the podcast that made me order the book.

Podcast #103: Love Factually With Dr. Duana Welch

What do women find attractive in men? What should you be looking for in a partner if you want a long-lasting relationship? Listen to this podcast.

www.artofmanliness.com

and some blogs and podcasts to read through.

Relationships Archives

www.artofmanliness.com

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Danny dude! I don't think I can provide concrete steps for destroying this weakness without the mental strength to do it. The only real step is you make a logical decision not to care. You over ride all emotion and know that this is the best decision.

I have cared a lot about some past lovers and girlfriends we all would have. It was a switch for me, just mentally switching that my emotion didn't control me but I controlled it. Cut them out, block them on social media or avoid it altogether. A hard next and cutting all ties can really help if possible dude.

The love bombing sounds like both parties are guilty each relationship would be different from what I read i can't quite determine it.

 

[Danny]

@Fluxcapacitor

I do sort of understand what you are saying. Logically I do agree with all your points and I always do hard next and block all those previous lovers on text. I just have trouble focusing and dealing with the emotions of the post breakup. I usually use the new time to approach new girls, and focus on my hobbies of martial arts, working out, and salsa dancing. But I find myself trapped in cycles of missing those people emotionally in the background constantly. Working out and meditation do help stop the thoughts temporarily for an hour or two but the rest of the time I can’t focus. I am trying to figure out how to not be so affected by breakups and move on faster

As for the love bombing, I only use compliments sparingly or if it’s well intentioned and the girls don’t compliment any more than usual so I’m not sure

I do appreciate your advice though and I am all about self improvement so any steps to crush that emotional weakness and I’d be happy to do so

 

[Razorjack]

Hey Guys, I recently got out of a another relationship that ended due to reasons out of my control, and I have realized how skewed my values are.
I put emotion and meaning in women for relationships and when those relations either fwb or dating end I end up feeling devastated. It takes a lot longer for me to get over the emotions of these ended relationships than my friends.
I have this almost background anxiety where I will have thoughts or ruminations about the failed relationship even while focusing on other activities and it won’t go away even if I’m with other women or hanging with friends. Chase’s article on scarcity and the concept of big scarcity resonated with me and makes me think my problem could be not having a clear enough mission or purpose and feeling that subconsciously.

I have recently been accepted into medical school and it has always been my dream to go and be a doctor. I logically believe this is my purpose or mission but it’s almost like I can’t emotionally or subconsciously believe it and I keep putting meaning in women and relationships to point that all my anxiety’s and worries are focused on women. After a failed relationship, I struggle to do the things I need to and feel like the approach grind becomes pointless Like a never ending rollercoaster ride
and that relationships are amazing to be in but they are like drug addictions with constant highs and lows that will eventually end.

So, I am reaching out to hear your guy’s thoughts on big scarcity and the difficulty of letting people go. Also for those of you that have a mission or purpose how do you feel your mission emotionally and not just logically be aware because I think my body feels like the girl is the mission. Thanks for listening!

@Danny

For me, even after so many women, yes it still hurt. I just became better at managing the hurt and down periods and started getting over it much quicker.

But let's be honest for a moment:
The reason why I got into pick up in the first place was to FEEL something. Back in the mASF days a LOT of guys were doing the robotic / mass approach game that was being recommended at the time. I couldn't stand it, I wasn't a robot, I was a living breathing soul that wanted to feel an emotional connection with women, I wanted to drown in their sexual aura and feel their love surround me. That's what made it worth all the hard work I put in.

Now the thing you need to understand in life, is that EVERYTHING is relative, there are very few absolutes. Meaning you can't have happiness without sadness - put another way happiness can not exist without sadness as happiness needs a reference to relate to. You can't experience happiness if you've never experienced sadness.

Another way to look at it: (instead of happiness vs sadness) I see it as abundance of happiness and lack of happiness. So one day I could be very happy and the next day I could be less happy.

Yes it felt great when I finally landed the "big one" and it hurt like hell and I felt like shit when I lost someone I felt something for, no matter how short the relationship.

Hey man, this is might sound very strange (you are much younger than I am), but something that helped me was meditating and getting into a bit spirituality. I'm NOT talking about the religious bullshit, but it more of understanding "why am I here in this life?" "what is our purpose in being here in this life / on this planet?" etc.

Everybody comes up to their own version of a universal truth. The spiritual answers that came to me were, we are here to EXPERIENCE and FEEL emotions in this life. I am not a hippy but I have a few hippy friends including women. When we talk about things like this, they would say something like "Look you are not here in this life to be judged, only to experience. If you are a womanizer/playboy/seducer/pick up artist then that is what you are meant to experience AND the girls you get together with, that is what they are meant to experience. If you are a tyrant/dictator, then be a tyrant/dictator, etc"

She would go on to say there is no such thing as good vs evil, happiness vs sadness, hatred etc, only the amount of love (abundance vs lack) we feel at any given moment.

I don't want to veer too far off on this track, but my point is that you are feeling exactly what you are meant to be feeling. IF it didn't hurt after a breakup, it would have never felt great before the breakup.

Learn to accept that the hurt after a breakup is a price worth paying for the love you feel before the breakup and look for ways to feel love after a breakup in order to better cope with the hurt

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Danny dude I think fuck this recommendation of family and friendship love is something that can really help with this. You can put more time into your hobbies if that helps. My mates recently became single and he's filling in all his free time doing stuff and going out more and that's worked for him.

Razorjack is right with you're feeling what you should be feeling, you need happiness and sadness or else you can't experience happiness at all. I see you already meditate as he also suggested. (Only ever mediated a couple times in a yoga class so can't fully endorse it as I don't practice it but visualisation helps with lots of stuff)

Love bombing isn't just compliments. It's time, energy, affection. If you dedicate all your time to someone, really affectionate, loving and caring and then you suddenly stop they'll crave it because they won't have those endorphins you were providing them. This makes them feel low and they're addicted to your drug. It's not healthy and very much a dark art that shouldn't be exploited.

For crushing emotional weakness don't let your mind wonder. If it strays to far bring it back into check. You choose what you think about, you've just got to be strong to really control it. Use a visualisation mantra where you tell yourself this is unproductive, you are in control, this doesn't bother you, don't react. The same as if you were to see her out, you're cool, busy, got other stuff going on, not emotional and reactive to her. Portray this mindframe if you stray further than you deem acceptable dude