First date, she talked a lot, couldn't escalate

[ThatAsshole]

Hello slayers,

This one happened on Tinder, on Monday night.
We had great texting, I felt kind of gamed (lol), she basically told me we should grab a drink and dropped the phone number. We set the date for Friday same week. Sent a text next morning telling it was nice talking to her and to save my number. I'd say my texting, also hers, were on point. I loved it, like gaming each other - so I was thinking: "alright, seems you know stuff".
No texting until Thursday, when she opened saying "Hi" (emoji), we chatted a bit, date logistics, wished each other good night and see you tomorrow. (Friday @ date)

Game below sea level!
I was a bit nervous (but alright), though the bad part: I was tired after work and not really in "gaming" mood.
Anyways, we see each other, I'm pleasantly surprised, we grab a drink at this bar and chat.
She seemed comfortable, talking almost the whole time, I was alright listening and relating and from time to time sharing. It was a bit loud and I had to repeat myself a few times - hated it. After half an hour I suggest we should smoke and we head to a small park nearby (still in downtown).

Now, the thing is she was kind of leading, because I'm new in town/country and still learning things. Didn't quite like this, I'm trying to become dominant and leading shit, but I find it really hard, given my personality.

Same thing happened in the park as well, she was the one talking, I was trying my best not to be dead, but idk what was happening. We spent almost two hours here. She seemed fine though, I guess I'm a good (and dead) listener.

Ending and take-aways
I feel I didn't create emotion, didn't quite touch her (except from the bar where I shortly led her by the small of her back - she was cool with the touch) and couldn't escalate. I simply could not get/be sexual. I tried to pay attention to signs, but didn't notice any.... (experience, meh). Maybe because I was tired ? Stoned (from the weed) ? Maybe I was overwhelmed by her talking too much ?
Before we left the park and started walking towards her car, kind of told her I was a bit off that night and I will make it up to her next time.
Fun fact about me being dead: She mentioned her dream-affordable car is a white coupe A5. And guess what ? Yep, that's mine too - spent a year looking for that perfect shit (ended up with something else though). I am also a car enthusiast and she likes cars. I should've married her on the spot, but instead..: "oh that's really nice". Like.. really dude ? Jesus!

Told the story to a friend next day, he advised I should have kissed her out of nowhere, hopefully seal her lips. I didn't think of that because I wasn't fucking sexual in the first place.
I don't quite know if I'll see her again, but texted her the next day (Saturday) shortly after midnight, asking if she's sticking around downtown. I was there partying and she got off at midnight (she was working there). The response was warm, but apparently she had to get up early next day - which I believe given the fact that she had told me her schedule for like 2-3 times (though I don't quite remember well).
Maybe I'll get a second chance, maybe not. She seems like a great girl and would love to see her again.


I wrote this looking for light. How I should have escalated ? Any advice on proceeding with this one ?


Keep slaying,
ThatAsshole

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

TA,

Congrats on the date. I have a few insights.

1. Most women love to talk. It is truly in their DNA. I am not surprised that she talked a lot. The problem though is that you didn't guide the conversation. The danger is you can become the shoulder to cry on or her talking buddy. These are friend zone positions that you don't want to be in. You have to drive the conversation with deep diving to build her investment towards you and to get compliance. By asking her the questions about herself she will feel closer to you. If you do not drive the conversation she builds no investment in you. Also you didn't set up a reason for her to come to you place like to see your record collection or whatever.
2. When you are chasing you need all your wits. Drinking heavily and smoking pot with cut down on your ability to make good decisions. Chasing is mentally tough. You need to be on your game if you want to end up having sex.
3. Kissing does not seal the deal. As a matter of fact if you make out you can deescalate her. I think that physical touching creates more anticipation in her than kissing does. Opinions are varied here but I would save the kissing for your pull place. Note this is based on a date or day game not night game which is a different circumstance.
4. Personally I would never admit that I was off my game. I don't think it gains you anything and it makes you look weak. Maybe some of the other guys have opinions on this. To me it is like performing on stage. If you mess up don't let it show. Most of the time people won't notice. Now if you with an experience girl then she will know and may call your shit on it.
5. She told you her schedule and you forgot it. Been there done that. A real cutie told me her work schedule days and times and told me to come see her. I remembered the times but didn't remember the days. I been by two times and she wasn't there. Two screw ups here for me. I didn't get her number and I forgot the days. If you have problems remembering put it in your phone or write it down. If she tells you her schedule it means she wants to set up another meeting.

If you are attracted to her text her to set up another date. Don't text anymore than this. Try to set the date up at your place. Movie and drinks etc. If she is not willing to come to your place then you probably are friend zoned. You can try one more time somewhere else but you will have to be dominating. The problem is this will be a frame shift to her and she may see you as inconsistent which will raise red flags. Your time may be better invested with new ladies if she doesn't come to your place. Good luck.

BDSC

 

[ThatAsshole]

BDSC,

Thanks for the insight, appreciate it.
1. Not deep-dove enough, I'm still learning
2. Only had a beer and some puffs. Though I think it was enough to slow me down
3. Somehow I'm glad I didn't do it, might have come out as a creep ?
4. Noted, thanks
5. I didn't totally forget, but Sunday is blank haha. I will keep that in mind. I am well aware of the fact that I must remember things. Mentioning (later) stuff she talked about during the date is a plus.

Logistics were pretty weak though, maybe that's why I wasn't fully into it. I live with 3 more roommates in this pretty big house, so in order to pull her, I would have had to trick them into going out and leaving the house - which it wasn't hard though, earlier I told them I will call them to hang after I'm done with the girl.

I texted her today (Tuesday):

Trying to develop a dragon tongue at *spicy-food-place*. What should I go for ?

She mentioned she loves spicy food. Almost one hour and a half later still no response. Will see

I'm still concerned about the escalation. Maybe more touching ? More leading ? Maybe harder deep-diving would have been a first step towards my desires, in this case ?
Anyways, if I get any signs of friendzone (but I doubt it, she will just move on probably), I'm pretty much out.


Best,
ThatAsshole

 

[ThatAsshole]

Just kiss her.

Do you think it was smart ? Keep in mind I was not sexual at all, I eventually realised that but I think it was too late.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

TA,

Here is a recent thread on kissing. It won't give you any good answers but it give you insight into how this is an area that we don't all agree on. Watch the video that is linked. It is fun.

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=11276

BDSC

 

[ray_zorse]

So you had an off day, happens to the best of us. Ehh just chalk it up to experience and keep trying, keep pushing... you obviously know where you need to improve (the white coupe for instance, you weren't true to yourself, also you did not lead at all, which was weak... CREATE YOUR OWN OPPORTUNITIES)... however, all this is obvious. What I really want to say is, weed creates the very situation you complained of, puts you in your head, cuts you off from other people. I know this having smoked daily for far too long, been weed free 7~8yrs now and could never have achieved what I have achieved socially were I still on weed. Last time I hung out with a weed smoker I observed exactly the effect I expected, it killed her focus on the date and made her very scattered and in her head. It was very hard to escalate. See this post, it's part 2 of a longer report and describes in detail how you could have escalated on a stoned chick. Anyway, cut that shit out. As a high value man you shouldn't be smoking even in your own time, well none of us are perfect but on a date it's a BIG variable that you cannot control, and you want to be aiming to control every aspect of the date to create the right emotions in her that lead to sex. If you MUST smoke with her do it after sex and only after you have laid her 3+ times. But even this is problematic, who pays for the weed? And what happens when you've established a pattern sex->weed and one day you can't score? She'll be grumpy and uncooperative until her expectations are met. Why set such an expectation? Basically, dependence on outside substances is weak and unmanly no matter how you slice it, and one day you will lose your frame because of it, unless you get it tightly in check from NOW. Ahh also, high value women won't hang with a weed smoker, and after the experience I described, I wouldn't either.
Ray

 

[trashKENNUT]

DrexelScott,

Just kiss her.

I was about to say the same thing.

Zac

 

[ray_zorse]

Ehh, I really don't agree with just going in for the kiss if it feels wrong. Granted as a beginning seducer you need to expand your comfort zone because everything "feels wrong", and also granted I probably lost some lays by not kissing her when it felt "off" to me, but all the same you need to have a process of escalating touch and building attraction, if you don't do that there's no point in going for the kiss because it's 0..100km/h without accelerating through the other speeds first. Where experienced seducers can really win is by skipping steps (she's obviously already attracted -> skip the attraction building steps, she's touching you -> skip the escalating touch steps, etc). Basically if the reason for doing that step doesn't apply because already accomplished, skip that step. But otherwise hold to your process, and escalate at a pace you and she are comfortable with (or slightly faster than you are comfortable with, given your comfort zone is likely an unnecessary limiting factor unless you are super experienced).

For this girl I suggest hand holding would've been a good start.

Ray

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Ray excellent response. You put this in the context that as a newbie TA can work with.

 

[ThatAsshole]

Ray,

I feel the need to address the smoke thing, cause you slaughtered me hahaha.
I know the effects all too well. I do it rarely with bros when we chill. I kind of agree with high-status/value thing, though I'm still young and want to enjoy those things (not in excess, of course). It's not a step towards high-value that I want to take right now, there are lots before this one.

Thing is, it was her idea back when we were texting. We only had few puffs, but apparently it was enough haha. Fucking trap!

DrexelScott,

Just kiss her.

I was about to say the same thing.

Zac

I would've, but oh well, what's done it's done.


Thanks for the feedback, appreciate it.
Onwards to new horizons!

TA

 

[ray_zorse]

That's okay mate, I wasn't trying to be an asshole (pun intended ), weed does affect people differently. In my case it causes paranoia, among other things, but I know people who do not seem to get that. But of more concern is the effect on her, you're trying to make her chase, not impersonate a dead whale if you see what I mean. But yeah, go ahead and enjoy life's pleasures in moderation, if you can do so without falling hopelessly into the addictive trap (if I scored right now and smoked, guaranteed I would do the same the next day and the next and the next etc... but not everyone is wired the same).
Ray