First lay, no LMR, but bad performance anxiety, now shit test.. HOW DO I ANSWER?

[ThePhoenix]

 
Iʼve got several replies and a mini-novel of an LR in mostly-finished drafts, but life is happening faster than I can polish them and now I have an urgent situation I have to figure out like, this moment!!  lol

So, last week I pulled off my first seduction.  (Really happy, but Iʼll leave my gushing for the LR.)  Remarkably more detailed LR coming but hereʼs the executive summary (a.k.a. normal-sized LR, lol):
__________

Hit on a girl while she was grocery shopping.

A few weeks go by as sheʼs busy with classes and work, and Iʼm also busy and come down with a cold.  But she stays friendly and responsive on text.

Finally line up a coffee date at a busy mall food court and do that late last week about 7 p.m.  Date itself doesnʼt seem remarkably good.  She has on winter clothes and thereʼs only minimal incidental touch.  We do converse reasonably and sheʼs friendly but pretty laid back and doesnʼt seem outwardly enthusiastic.

After Iʼm guessing around an hour, maybe less, I take a shot in the dark and make an excuse why I have to go home soon, and invite her to come to see a project.  She just quietly agrees without question.

Back home, we chill on the couch and things warm up a lot.  Deep diving goes well, she opens up a lot, and we bond over various stuff.  Iʼm also escalating and she is pretty comfortable with it, putting up only slight resistance.  I have her leg over my lap, am caressing her thighs through the jeans, and touch her tits a little at first and eventually get my hand under her clothes and onto her tits, touching them extensively and getting some fingers under her bra a little.  But I get a little scared to push further or unbutton the jeans, and her obsessively twiddling with her phone doesnʼt help.

It gets to be 1 a.m. and she starts looking at Uber for 2 a.m.  I know Iʼll fail if she does this so I invite her to sleep over.  Again just quietly agrees without question.

Possibly not the best decision, but I decide not to try for sex until morning; more detail in the LR.  We just continue to chill and weʼre cozy with each other and bond more.  Continue warm physical contact but donʼt make it sexual.  Around 4 a.m. she wants to actually see what she came to see.  I show her briefly and she likes it but sheʼs about to knock out so that doesnʼt go on for long.

We both get into my bed, but thereʼs no substantial contact.  Sheʼs passed out shortly.

When she wakes, I start back up with some sexual escalation.  Subtle resistance at first but then she lets me rub her leg with mine and rub my hand on her ass.

She almost leaves to accept a shift at work but I try to talk her out of it.  Sheʼs not enthusiastic, about anything.  Then sheʼs sitting up in bed, gets glum, and starts talking some depressive shit about her life.  I really donʼt know what to do and basically give up on seducing her, not wanting to be a real asshole, and just try to cheer her up and caress her upper arms at her sides.

Next thing I know she goes in for a kiss, weʼre kissing non-stop, Iʼm going for her tits and get the top and bra off.  Nipples erect.  Lick them a bit.  No LMR to be seen anywhere for the rest of this encounter!

In a perfect storm of factors (given in the LR), I get huge performance anxiety and canʼt get it up!  I figure getting head might work, but I want to be fair about it, so I go down on her first.  For a good while.  I suspect I got her off but not totally sure, sheʼs pretty quiet about it - more in the LR on that and an anatomical rarity she seemed to have.

We change places and she sucks my dick.  As predicted, after a bit, this does get me hard, but fussing with the condom and mounting her, it flops out on me and I barely get it in and canʼt continue!  We try to go back to her giving me head but she mostly just uses hands this time and itʼs not working and I just flip around and lie somewhat beside her and suggest we just rest a bit.  I basically just gave up on the whole thing.

Before long she says she has to get going, but she ends up staying through the afternoon until mid-evening.  We hang out on the couch as she does her college homework, which I help her with to significant benefit.  We continue to get along well, though I donʼt do any further escalating.

Eventually she wants me to come with her to a store near me that she wants to visit.  Iʼm not thinking itʼs a great idea so I kind of just let the time pass until itʼs a little too late.  Then I declare that I have to hit a different store before it closes, so we get ready to leave.  She decides to walk with me a few blocks to the corner where my store is, and get a bus from there.

Before we part ways, she goes in for a hug, so I hug her.  Then she goes for a kiss on the lips.  Iʼm going for a FwB here, and I am absolutely and totally clueless as to whether or not youʼre supposed to make PDAs with FwBs.  Not knowing what to do, I let her.

I ping her the next morning.  I have paraphrased her slightly as she uses idiosyncratic language:

me:  Morning Latoya.  Enjoyed having u over.  Hope ur not dying from the homework!

her, in 4 mins.:  Morning Phoenix. Enjoyed getting to spend time w you as well. Aww, lol I kinda am tbh but ill survive I hope.

After this I go silent.  We make no further contact for about 5 days.

Iʼm not in a good position to set up another meet until at least some time next week, but I donʼt want to leave her feeling it was a pump and dump, so I decide to ping her this evening.  Again paraphrasing her slightly:

me:  Hey hey Latoya.  Howʼd the homework go?  After all that work I hope ur prof was happy!

her, in 28 mins.:  Hey Phoenix. Hmm it was ok finished it last night. Lol yeah I hope so hmm. Well see.

her, in 2 mins.:  Btw if u wanna be friends Iʼm down . But im in a realationship[sic] now so yeah. My apologies.

I havenʼt answered yet.

__________

She isnʼt fooling anyone, here.  She didnʼt just magically wind up in a relationship during the past 6 days.  So, possible explanations I see, possibly some combination thereof, are:

1. She was and is still single but the sex was so terrible sheʼs not willing to get naked with me again.
   
   
2. She was and is still single but sheʼs on the fence about me, given that I was obviously sexy enough to seduce her, but the sex itself went badly, and so this is a shit test.
   
   
3. She wants a relationship and my staying at FwB distance made her realize she canʼt get that from me and sheʼs not interested in FwB (either because sheʼs just not looking for that right now, or because I wasnʼt good enough sexually).
   
   
4. She is and was taken all along but just had a moment of indiscretion and regrets it now.
   
   
5. She is and was taken all along and would cheat but Iʼm not sexual enough to cheat with.
   
   
6. This episode pushed her to get back with a boyfriend she had recently broken up with.  Or, more likely,
   
   
7. She is and was in a relationship all along but she fucked me to get revenge on her boyfriend for whatever reason, and now that she has had her revenge, she doesnʼt need to fuck me any more.

(I realize weʼll never know the answer for sure, and also that it may be a little easier to guess given the full LR, which is still pending.)

Iʼm tending towards #2.  I tend to think if #1 were the case sheʼd probably just ghost me, though I could be wrong.  #3 seems unlikely given how perfectly absent any LMR was.  Given how basically easy she was, #7 seems plausible also, except that youʼd think sheʼd bring him up, just to make it all the more scathing.  Mind you, sheʼs bi and claims to have some strange kinks (though she didnʼt take any of these out on me), so sexual openness on her part doesnʼt really require explanation.  Her demeanour doesnʼt seem entirely consistent with #4.

Well, anyway, my main concern now is, how do I answer her?!?  I havenʼt replied yet, per my “if you donʼt know how not to fuck it up, donʼt touch anything until you do” policy, lol.  But to not look pressed, I probably should reply very soon.

Thanks!!!
Phoenix

 

[Seppuku]

Re: First lay, no LMR, but bad performance anxiety, now shit test.. HOW DO I ANS

Phoenix,

first of all congratulations! Anxiety or not, mistakes or not, that does count as your first lay, so welcome to the club.

There would be things to say here, which you can improve for the next girl. But regarding your urgent request:

Her: Btw if u wanna be friends Iʼm down . But im in a realationship[sic] now so yeah. My apologies.

the strategy is to answer something like:

"It's OK, I won't be the one to tell him" Or: "That's alright. I'm not jealous"
Then: "are you free saturday evening?"

As always, there is nothing fool proof. You may actually have lost her, so just give it a try and don't have your expectations high.

Either way, good job and welcome to the club!

Seppuku
PS. I'm going to give comments separately. Won't wait your full blown LR which may take you another week or two to write ;-)

 

[Fuck This]

Re: First lay, no LMR, but bad performance anxiety, now shit test.. HOW DO I ANS

Whether she is or is not in a relationship is nothing you can control. As is her mindset from the night you spent together. It's not a Shit test but an objection.

All you can do is let her know you are available when she feels like restarting. I'd recommend a more rapid progression with the physical escalation. It seems like protracted blue balls from Hours of escalation can cause performance issues. I'd say her dismissive nature of the escalation could have been due to an already started involvement from before. I will tell oyu one thing...When you get a woman who is hot to trot and vocal and encouraging with her enjoyment, you will find your performance and eagerness will be amplified as well.

Read up on Dirty talk in the volumes of material on GC. It will help in the escalation intensity and speed it up.

Now go find another girl to start fresh with...

 

[ThePhoenix]

Re: First lay, no LMR, but bad performance anxiety, now shit test.. HOW DO I ANS

@Seppuku,

Thank you, and thank you for the suggestions!

Well, the report is 85% done anyway .. just don't know how much time I can spend chopping it down!

Between your first and second option, 2nd would probably have been safer, but I'm all too good at playing safety, so I went with the riskier.

Triggered so much ASD I almost think she actually is taken, as bloody suspicious as it sounds! Paraphrasing slightly and removing a typo of hers:

me: It's ok, I won't be the one to tell him. Pretty busy next few days but let's try to meet up later next week. Will let u know when I'll be free once I know.

her: Well that wasnt my point. My point is im not cheating on him - thats important to me and not fair to him.
her: Okay so let me know if u want to chill as friends. Nothing more.

Wooooooooooooow. lol

Looks like I lost this one. Well, at least she showed me what's possible!


@FT,

Thank you for the feedback!

It's not a Shit test but an objection.

Realistically, we don't know this. (Or, at least, we didn't prior to that next piece of hers, which does seem to make it more likely.) It's not unheard of for a girl to object that she's taken, and then the other guy suddenly vanishes when the guy she said that to is unfazed. But you're right, I have no control over her, which is fine.

I'd recommend a more rapid progression with the physical escalation.

Yes, absolutely! It's a wonder I still managed given how many opportunities I gave it to fall apart. I get into more details re. the issues that held me back, in the full LR.

I'd say her dismissive nature of the escalation could have been due to an already started involvement from before.

That's a definite possibility, although what she did certainly shows what she thinks of that one.

I will tell oyu one thing...When you get a woman who is hot to trot and vocal and encouraging with her enjoyment, you will find your performance and eagerness will be amplified as well.

Interesting point, I can see that at least to a degree. But I wouldn't say this one was totally not eager - she didn't put up any of the LMR I read in so many LRs. Heck, she's the one who started full-on intimacy! Yeah, she could've communicated better (and probably me, too).

For me, personally, a girl acting like a porn star might make me suspicious she's faking. Porn is notoriously fake.

And yes, absolutely, more girls. I'm hoping this reference point makes it mentally easier to open more of them, cuz it's been damn hard opening enough. Even though my laypen rate turned out to not be that bad so far (something like 1:35).

Cheers,
Phoenix

 

[Seppuku]

Re: First lay, no LMR, but bad performance anxiety, now shit test.. HOW DO I ANS

Phoenix,

You're not [yet] fully there, but this is very good progress with plenty of good lessons.

 Finally line up a coffee date at a busy mall food court and do that late last week about 7 p.m.  Date itself doesnʼt seem remarkably good.  She has on winter clothes and thereʼs only minimal incidental touch.  We do converse reasonably and sheʼs friendly but pretty laid back and doesnʼt seem outwardly enthusiastic.

After Iʼm guessing around an hour, maybe less, I take a shot in the dark and make an excuse why I have to go home soon, and invite her to come to see a project.  She just quietly agrees without question.

That's the ahaaaaa moment. She likes you, she follows you. As simple as that. You only have one data point (this one, at least as far as I am aware) but I can assure you from personal experience that it is true. Saying it again: she likes you,she follows you.

Another ahaaa moment: it didn't look like she were particularly excited, but she was. We spend energy trying to collect cues as whether or not she likes us. And sometimes there won't be such cues.

Let me ask you. How many first dates you had, which didn't materialize into a second date?

Let us connect the dots now. Maybe in some of these first dates, the lady actually liked you, and would have followed you if you had asked.

If there is only one huge takeaway from this experience, it is this one: it is a much better bet for you to take a "shot in the dark" like you did here, than hope for a second date (that may never come) and wait that the stars align (they won't). I know I said as much before, but now you just directly experienced it. There's nothing like direct experience.

Make it a rule: forego the unlikely chance of a second date, and ask her home instead. Leave the "second date tactics" for later when you are better at seduction.

For the rest of your LR, I will wait the fully fledged report, but for now it looks like a half assed escalation. If I read correctly, she must have been at your place around 9pm max, or perhaps before? It looks like you took some time to decide to escalate, and initially went half-way... The full escalation attempt came quite late in the night.

Do you realize that she was okay with your masculine aggression? And that she would have been ok with much more aggressiveness. When you initially went for the boobs under the shirt, she would have been ok for you to remove the whole thing, plus the trousers and the pants, plus actual penetration. The deal could have been concluded in full, by 11pm.

But that's okay, because it's the first time. I realize that initially we need data points in our learning curve, to experience what IS actually possible. I'm telling you that you could have gotten away which much more masculine aggressiveness. I think you must be realizing this yourself in the light of this experience.

For your next time: be bolder. She came alone to your home, she knows exactly what this means, so just go for it.

About performance anxiety. That happens! After all it's about two perfect strangers getting naked for the first time. It gets much better with experience. With time, you learn to be better comfortable penetrating our pretty sisters. LOL.

But I suspect it's also because of the whole time it took to get there. And also, possibly, the late hour. I always try to get the new conquests in the bedroom as early as I can, because I know I won't be as good later in the night.

Alright, that will be all for an early feedback. A very good experience with lots of learnings for you, good job again. Looking forward for the full LR now!

Cheers,
Seppuku
PS. She may actually "be in a relationship". Notice how she waited until after the fact to tell you that. I recently went through my list of girls, and I realize that there's at least 25% of them who "forgot" to tell me about another man in their life. That number is either from what I learned later as a fact, or have concrete elements for strong suspicion. The 75% others may, or may not, have had another guy but I simply have no reason to suspect so. Girls sometimes are "in a relationship" but nevertheless looking for trees with greener leaves elsewhere, and just waiting for a chance to jump ships. LOL.