Friend and Lover

[Stewie]

Hey guys,

Been thinking about this as of late due to an interesting circumstance. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could tackle the two worlds of the friend and lover. By this I mean is it possible to be both while still not tilting towards boyfriend territory; instinctively, I am certain the answer is no, but I feel like there is a more logical reason behind why the two worlds rarely overlap ( my assumption here). Anyway, does anyone have experience with this? We know the three types of guys, and which one you should always strive to be, but what about when, for whatever reason, you find yourself overlapping in two of the three? Perhaps an article could dive into this? Thanks fellas, that's all for now.

Cheers,
Shaun

 

[luego]

Is that not just "Friends with Benefits"? There's a few articles and tons of threads on how to manage those.

 

[trashKENNUT]

r4L,

Been thinking about this as of late due to an interesting circumstance. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could tackle the two worlds of the friend and lover. By this I mean is it possible to be both while still not tilting towards boyfriend territory; instinctively, I am certain the answer is no, but I feel like there is a more logical reason behind why the two worlds rarely overlap ( my assumption here). Anyway, does anyone have experience with this? We know the three types of guys, and which one you should always strive to be, but what about when, for whatever reason, you find yourself overlapping in two of the three? Perhaps an article could dive into this? Thanks fellas, that's all for now.

If you saying that you are being a "friend" to a girl when you both are in a social circle but "lovers" when the social circle is not around, then yes.

It is still friends with benefits.

and she will eventually find something more "settle" than to always have sex with you and have no commitment. Anyone else remember the article? Need to find that.

z@c+

 

[Franco]

Shaun,

The above posters are correct that a "friends with benefits" situation is actually the "friends" and "lover" category mixed together. However, your assertion that these two categories can't mix is partially correct.

The problem with a friends with benefits situations is that it can't last for an extended period of time. The needs of one of the two parties (almost always the woman) will change after awhile, and she'll either start to hope that YOU slowly move yourself into the provider (boyfriend) category, or she'll start to search for another guy that CAN be her provider/boyfriend.

So, in a sense, the "friends" and "lover" mixture does exist, but the life expectancy on a relationship of that nature is short. You can't expect it to last more than a few months (in most occasions).

Hope that helps!

- Franco

 

[Franco]

Just as a note here, Drex:

It is simply not true that women as a category will eventually demand you be monogamous or they'll leave. They might threaten it, but not ONCE has ANY woman in my life ever actually carried through with the threat, even though I turned every one of them down as far as exclusive commitment goes.

I never suggested that they'll leave per se, but they will often discontinue the sexual part of the relationship with you. They won't stop talking to you (especially if the sex is great and you treat them well) in case they want to come back to you at some point in the future for good sex OR if you decide that you suddenly want a relationship (as you mentioned in the "on and off" comment), but girls have way too much pressure from society and their friends to maintain a relationship of that nature for long periods of time. It's a shame too... FWB can be such an ideal situation for both parties!

My longest consecutive FWB without a break was 8 months in a row. She was my next-door neighbor. It was awesome!

Eight months would be an example of a "long" outlier, but I've also seen FWBs that last just a few weeks. Most most of them seem to be in the range of 2-4 months, though. The girls who tend to go longer are usually of the more free-spirited or "hippy" nature and care less about the "rules" of society (or it's just older women biding their time until they find a provider to fill the husband role).

Anyway, I feel like you would be hard-pressed to find a guy who could keep up a FWB relationship consistently with different girls for 6 or more months (without any breaks in between).

- Franco

 

[NarrowJ]

I'm going to make an attempt at being innovative here and coin a term: AWB (Acquaintance With Benefits)



This is a girl that you sleep with quick, then you don't see her for a while. But the next time you do, you sleep with her again. Then maybe a couple months after that you run into her at a party and you guys go home together. Then maybe you run into her again months on down the road, and you get together and hookup. She's probably a member of your extended social circle, and the encounters are farther between each other than what we see with a true FWB relationship where the two of you are exchanging texts once a day or every other day, and meeting up on the weekly or bi-weekly. You don't have much contact, but when you do see each other you know it's on.

Since there's no regular contact, the expectation of a relationship never really comes. But, the girl will inevitably get in a relationship with some other guy at some point. But, that doesn't mean you can't still throw some dick in her if you DO see her and she's down for it.

Something like this can go on for quite a long time. Much longer than if you're seeing her once a week.

So there you go... AWB... =)

NJ

 

[Franco]

NJ,

I'm going to make an attempt at being innovative here and coin a term: AWB (Acquaintance With Benefits)

Yep, I have a couple of these! I'm in a committed relationship at the moment, so I haven't seen any of them in awhile, but these are certainly girls who would sleep with me given that they are in town and single. What's nice about these ones is that, as long as they aren't in a committed relationship (that is fulfilling), they'll pretty much sleep with you at will if you happen to cross paths occasionally. They can definitely be fun. =)

- Franco

 

[Stewie]

Thanks for all the insights fellas, I am definitely going to start implementing AWB. Cheers!

R4L

 

[Rain]

Just as a note here, Drex:

It is simply not true that women as a category will eventually demand you be monogamous or they'll leave. They might threaten it, but not ONCE has ANY woman in my life ever actually carried through with the threat, even though I turned every one of them down as far as exclusive commitment goes.

I never suggested that they'll leave per se, but they will often discontinue the sexual part of the relationship with you. They won't stop talking to you (especially if the sex is great and you treat them well) in case they want to come back to you at some point in the future for good sex OR if you decide that you suddenly want a relationship (as you mentioned in the "on and off" comment), but girls have way too much pressure from society and their friends to maintain a relationship of that nature for long periods of time. It's a shame too... FWB can be such an ideal situation for both parties!

My longest consecutive FWB without a break was 8 months in a row. She was my next-door neighbor. It was awesome!

Eight months would be an example of a "long" outlier, but I've also seen FWBs that last just a few weeks. Most most of them seem to be in the range of 2-4 months, though. The girls who tend to go longer are usually of the more free-spirited or "hippy" nature and care less about the "rules" of society (or it's just older women biding their time until they find a provider to fill the husband role).

Anyway, I feel like you would be hard-pressed to find a guy who could keep up a FWB relationship consistently with different girls for 6 or more months (without any breaks in between).

- Franco

Does commitment in this context mean a monogamous relationship, or an open relationship or one sided monogamy?

Any idea how many women would actually be legitimately cool with one sided monogamy in long term relationships?

 

[Franco]

Rain,

Does commitment in this context mean a monogamous relationship, or an open relationship or one sided monogamy?

From all of my experiences, a woman needs at least one "primary" partner in her life that can be her provider (or at least serve as her public "significant other"). The women who don't have one are usually searching for one (or are temporarily taking a break from searching, but will inevitably continue the search in the near future).

So the answer is "mostly yes" because every woman is seeking her King. Check out Varoon's great article on Queen Theory to understand why.

The only women that will continually see you in sexual but non-emotional relationships for very long, extended periods of time are generally the women that are sexually cheating on their significant others or already have "primary" partners in open relationships or polyamory.

Any idea how many women would actually be legitimately cool with one sided monogamy in long term relationships?

Answering this question would require a ton of detail and is generally out of the scope of this thread, but the Queen Theory article I linked above should give you a nice push in the right direction toward understanding why a woman might be okay with one-sided monogamy.

Cheers,

Franco