Friends who are dominant and aggressive

[Godsninja]

Friends who are dominant and aggressive

I was chilling with a friend during the weekend, and without going too much into detail (there are a lot), it seems that everything he says or does, is him trying to tool me, as in, alpha male tool me, and it pushed me to the point of smashing a beer on the road and us almost never talking to each other again. I think he's a cool guy, and when I met him he seemed a lot chiller than he is now, but I can't help thinking I let this guy get too close, and get to know me, too much, as if he thinks he can tool me consciously or subconsciously, and I think it's the latter. I know that he is currently getting a lot of girls, and I'm not, but here are some details.

Edit: We've been friends for about a year, although we have some history in junior high.

I went over to his cottage, and the second day, after I had 4 beers, some girl wanted to meet him who lives 2 hours away. I talked to her and she wasn't very nice, and although I wanted to go, the situation really didn't permit. My friend said "it's alright man, you ruined this weekend but it's alright".

After we hung out at his cottage, he came over to my town and we dropped by my friends place (who he didn't know). The guy told me he was having a little rip, and I asked if I could bring a friend, which he agreed to. He didn't happen to be home when we showed up, although he said he would be. Instead of him being home, his brother and grandmother were there, and they didn't know he was having people over, so they were confused. The friend who I invited started freaking out at me for this, acting like he's lost confidence in me, and refused to drink with me when we decided to go to the park while we wait.

So as we are going to the park, he is constantly walking in front, and he doesn't even know where we are. So I just lost it.

We talked about it a lot more, but he won't acknowledge what he is doing. I don't believe my mind is just making this up, he is unconsciously doing this, and I really want us to be friends, but I'm not going to sit around on the sidelines while he acts like he is better than me. I know what he is doing and what it means...

Any thoughts?

 

[Chase]

GN-

It sounds like you're doing some things that are slightly socially off (if I'm reading it right; maybe I'm not and he's just a douche - I'll explain below), and he's being passive-aggressive toward you rather than calling you out on them. Then you get pissed at the passive-aggressiveness. Sort of a bum cycle for both of you.

Here's how I'd handle these situations:

I went over to his cottage, and the second day, after I had 4 beers, some girl wanted to meet him who lives 2 hours away. I talked to her and she wasn't very nice, and although I wanted to go, the situation really didn't permit. My friend said "it's alright man, you ruined this weekend but it's alright".

If I'm reading this right, she wanted to come to his place, but you didn't want to leave and so cockblocked him? If that's the case, you need to tell him, "Dude, if she's coming over, just let me know and I'll clear out." Even if you can't leave: "Dude, if she's coming over, just give me some beers and I'll go drink in the woods and look at the stars until you give me the signal that it's cool to come back in."

If I misread that and he was actually trying to get you to drive you up to go see her, then... he's just a douche. If it was "Hey Godsninja, she can't drive down to see me, and I can't drive up to see her, so can you be a sport and drive me two hours out so I can slay this?" then probably the only thing you're at fault for here is not handling your rejection of him in a confident, cool enough way that he didn't see an opening to try and get under your skin about it.

If it was the latter, you need to handle it with a calm laugh, and a, "Sorry dude, I'm not driving you 2 hours somewhere and 2 hours back unless it's to go save your dying mother, or unless we're going to go meet some girl who has an insanely, insanely, crazily beautiful friend for me with her."

If he's a douche after that and tries to passive-aggressive you, I'd advise you to use the stuff I discussed in the article on blaming, because that's what he's doing - he tried to task you, then blamed you when you didn't do what he tasked you with:

Beating Your Girlfriend at Her Own Blame Game

(incidentally, many guys who are naturals tend to use this a lot because, like women, they've been able to make it work well for them)

The guy told me he was having a little rip, and I asked if I could bring a friend, which he agreed to. He didn't happen to be home when we showed up, although he said he would be. Instead of him being home, his brother and grandmother were there, and they didn't know he was having people over, so they were confused.

That's no big deal. Text with him before you leave to make sure it's still going on, but if you get there and it hasn't started yet (I'm assuming "rip" means "party"?), just laugh about it and do whatever's fun to do there in the meantime (I assume he has video games in his house or a TV or a dart board or something fun... most guys who host parties get some kind of entertainment installed in their places).

Not SUPER cool if you go somewhere expecting a party to start, but then, some people are perpetually late about starting these things, so you kinda have to get a feel for their personalities. Just get in the habit of calling him before you're about to leave and asking him on the phone: "Hey, I'm just about to head over - are you there now, or not there yet?" If dude isn't there yet, tell him to text you when he's back at his house.

The friend who I invited started freaking out at me for this, acting like he's lost confidence in me, and refused to drink with me when we decided to go to the park while we wait.

With friends like this (assuming he's worth putting up with because he's really good with girls, or provides some other value to your life), just let him pick the places where you go. If you're his mentee, don't invite him to anything you aren't already sure is right up his alley - go places / parties / venues multiple times before inviting him, so you already know the thing is good and what parts / times it's good at.

That said, I don't think I'd be too happy about being dragged out to some random guy's cottage to hang out with his brother and grandma and then go drink in a park either. I'd probably just rather go hit a bar.

So as we are going to the park, he is constantly walking in front, and he doesn't even know where we are. So I just lost it.

Easy solution when people do this: walk real slow, and let them get really far ahead, then not know which way to go, and have to stand there and wait for you to catch up. If they can't take a hint and keep being dicks, just say, "Hey, this is totally unfun for me since you're going to be a big penis and walk way ahead of me, so I'm just going to head back to the car since that will be equally or perhaps more fun. See you back there." Then go take a nap in the car.

We talked about it a lot more, but he won't acknowledge what he is doing. I don't believe my mind is just making this up, he is unconsciously doing this, and I really want us to be friends, but I'm not going to sit around on the sidelines while he acts like he is better than me. I know what he is doing and what it means...

Be calmer. Be more dominant. Stop flipping out. Stop jumping at this guy's beck and call and chasing after him for friendship. Be cool and normal.

If you are and can be respectable, he'll knock it off. But he's good with girls; he knows how chasing works. So long as you keep trying to chase after him for a friendship and trying to control him and getting upset that you can't, you're no different from the guy chasing after a girl and trying to control her and getting upset that he can't (or conversely, all the girls who do that to him). Provide value to this guy, chill out and let him walk ahead or not show up if he's a jerk, and start doing things more on your terms or make peace with doing them on his if he is worth the price of doing so.

Bear in mind that when you are the student - which seems to be what you are, and why you value him so highly - you don't get to call the shots; the teacher does. This might be a case where you just have to figure out if you're willing to put up with this guy's teaching style, or if you're going to exit stage left and make do without him.

Chase

 

[Godsninja]

I drove us up to his cottage, and before we got there he told me it's just gonna be us, his little sister, and his grandmother. Earlier in the Summer we went there with 2 of his other friends and it was pretty awesome, and he was saying he wanted to have a party there, so I was also a little ticked that it was the exact opposite of a party since his grandmother is extremely religious. I was the driver. The girl was rude to me, and when we asked about her friends, she said "possibly"..so yea, he was being extremely passive aggressive.

Anyways, the rest of what you say is pretty spot on and helpful, thanks for the tips Chase. I'll look through them again.

 

[Godsninja]

Okayyy, so let me just post a quick update.

I've been uber busy with school, and didn't think of posting an update till now. I am actually more busy now, than before, but I feel obligated to let you know what happened, since I started.

So the weekend after this incident happened, we went to Niagara Falls for his friends birthday, which I am well acquainted with and like. Birthday boys brother came along, and so did my a friend all theirs, who I also like, but is on the passive side.

This was the weekend of September 6th and 7th, so not last weekend, but 2 weeks before.

So basically, it was really awesome. I met a really sweet Slovenian chick who I just clicked with at 3am in the morning infront of the Wendys downtown. I don't remember how we started talking. It was all great. Cops there are AWESOME. Bouncers you'd want to beat to death with a club.

Went there with the GO transit Saturday morning. Sunday afternoon we were still drinking, and we were enjoying the view, when they started to sketch for some reason about some security guards calling the cops on us (we were drinking all morning at Hooters, and in public with some beer that I bought).

So I walk over to check it out. They were smoking a joint. While I was talking to them, they all started heading back towards the bus. So, in other words, they left me without saying a single thing to me.

They ditched me in Niagara Falls. I got to the bus station before they did because I called a taxi (I thought I got there too late, and broke down, leaving money in the taxi), but not before forgetting my backpack, losing me license, and money. Almost broke my hand on the plexiglass wall of the bus stop because I was so rattled that they would just LEAVE me there, like what the fuck!?. Went back for my bag and just broke down. How could a friend do that? They would never do that to eachother.

So, we aren't friends.

I barely had enough money to get back; less than what I paid to get there, I had to over-ride the train (actually I fell asleep).

So that's it.

Chase, just because this douchebag is getting laid, and I'm not, doesn't mean shit on who is the mentor and the student. Everyone is in different places in their life, everyone is different, have different experiences, and so on. He's never told me a single thing about girls that I don't already know. I mean common Chase, I read so many of your articles, and everyone else's too. I know what the bottom line is, and what it comes down to, but everyone knows that if a girl doesn't like you, you can't just make her like you. You can't just create you own love life, you need other's in search of the same that you have to offer.

You obviously have way more experience, but there's some things that I think even you know you can't break down. I'm saying this from a very positive perspective.

I've been thinking about this: What you are, he is, she is, or ANYONE is (especially on this website) you could have been (100% without a doubt) even if you did not read this material, or actively try to be "better with girls", "have better game", or any other thing you want to call it, EXCEPT, personal development, and anything related to that, that isn't solely based on GIRLS.

I mean seriously, I know you know how weak the game is of even some of the most toughest, serious, chicks. It's all a bullshit game, I get it. The big problem I see though is treating this game so goddamn clinically, it's the only reason you are successful, because everything on here talks about it all as down to earth as possible. It's not the greatest, but it's WAY better than anything else. Infact, the only thing better is a youtube video, where if you don't like it you can immediately stop watching the video and forget about the nonsense.

But this site, and your material, is THE SHIT. It's one of the best sites about getting girls... Yet... it's still clinical, and still poses the dillema of trying to change yourself to get girls because what you are now is not fucking good enough. I know, the lesson is tough, but it should never be "we are not good enough", it should be, "we ARE good enough, but we can become FAR better". I know what I JUST said may sound kinda bullshity, but I think it's true...at least for people who are open minded, and self aware.

For people who are not (the people you talk about Chase), the close minded individuals who are not prepared to adapt, learn, and better themselves; the douchebags who think they are the best, even though in reality, they are not, this is NOT true for.

There's a point where you gotta stop thinking about something you can't change in one way, and instead start thinking about changing it in a completely, radically new way. A social/romantic dilemma, where the solution is not even in the same category.

The problem may be everything, BUT social/romantic.

And that's what I think my problem is.

So this friend of mine can go fuck himself Chase. He was never my mentor. I will focus on what matters. I'm literally getting high off school work, and life.. it's really something. I'm constantly talking and meeting new people, even to the point of getting reported to campus security..somehow (hey, there are immature cunts everywhere you go, bound to run into one).

I really didn't hope for this post to be this long. Especially with the load of school work I got. I'm really tired, I re-read this and realized that some things could have been worded in a way to actually make sense, but I know you'll get it.

Anyways, I think I'm ready to tell any other 'mentor' like figure that wants to step into my life to go #### themselves... unless it's you Chase
...or Ricardus

See ya when I ain't so busy.

Donttrytotoolme#