FU From Flirty Daygame Instadate to Rejected Over Text - how did it go wrong?

[Bob Z]

note - after feedback from @gameboy I eliminated rambling and made this post more concise

Preface:
-labeling this a FU, but still feel good about Daygame progress
-2nd "outing" in a row in which I've gotten a girl on a date same day. Last outing I got a cute foreign professional girl to meet me for ice cream a few hours after the approach
-we were together around 3.5 hours so i'll do best to include only important details


The approach (location - at the beach):

i see a few potentially cute girls (i'm looking from afar). one girl makes my decision easy by giving a pretty clear A.I. (glancing at me while I walk past)

i open with my "can you take a picture of me" - this girl is green light and enthusiastically takes a few pictures.

I forget exactly how I transitioned but I must've said something (maybe i said she was cute or that we should do something sometime - weird that i cant remember) - that caused her to tell me she was "talking to someone." i tease her about it and say something like
"ohh so a relationship? or... a situationship?"
she says situationship. she clearly is hesitant.
I say "ohhhh well why don't you get my number and that'll put more pressure on him to make his mind up" or something along those lines (just came up with that on the fly).
she enthusiastically puts her number in my phone and i continue the conversation sitting near her.



initial interaction going well:

the girl is 20 y/o college student who recently started at a local mostly commuter university after stint at community college.

we start making flirty small talk. I've been working on strategic touch, teasing. I'm doing really well with this and there is good chemistry. it made it easy as she was a naturally bubbly and friendly girl.

we already create a few "inside jokes" - things we joked about earlier in the conversation i circle back to at opportune times for an easy laugh. the conversation is flowing excellently.

at one point I brought up the topic of meditation and i took her through a makeshift 5 minute meditation with me as the teacher - this felt risky but she actually fully buys in - a major win for compliance. we were probably talking around 45 minutes

Seeding the insta-date: i first ask her plans for the night and she says she was going to study. i ask if she is getting hungry and wants to get food at the beachside food place. i've never been to this spot but it looked good and casual. she agrees - i run and grab my bike while she puts her stuff into her backpack then we walk over. me having to walk with my bike isn't ideal as it makes things feel less "close" but we still walk over together.



The insta-date:
we sit down at table, there are waiters there - i had assumed from outside it would be over the counter casual spot. i move seats after the first few minutes to give us better proximity to each other. we continue having fun free-flowing flirty conversation and its going well. we do some deep diving, i set a good us vs the world frame, utilize chase frames in good congruent way and the vibe is really good.

another possibly notable point in the convo was when she tells me that shes glad i can swim because she used to be on swim team "instantly loses attraction whenever a guy cant swim" i had playfully joked earlier that i hadn't been in water because i didn't know how to swim but clarifying it was a joke after she asked. not sure if this is shit test or just pecularity of her. she said it with full seriousness even tho the conversation was lighthearted.

Iat one point i get up to use the restroom. i assure her that i'm not leaving her (in flirty joking way) - when i return we joke and she said that thought was in the back of her mind that I might actually leave - we are joking about it though. towards the end of the meal she uses the restroom and jokingly says the same thing (that she wont leave).

while she is in bathroom i pay the bill - i try to get them to take care of it before she sees so its not a big deal but she comes back before I can sign. while the place looked casual and the food we got (chips/guac/tacos) was casual fare - the bill was a bit higher than you might expect (i had realized this when sitting down but obviously wasn't going to leave). I am worried this set a provider frame more than a lover frame - especially since she is broke college student. She sees me get the bill says she feels bad and offers halfheartedly to venmo me some money but i say she can get me next time and it seems fine. i think this might have been the pivotal mistake.

During the instadate/dinner i was thinking about how logistics would work for a pull home. i had a 20 minute bike ride or hour long walk home and she had long public transport back to hers. the ideal spot would've been mine, i thought of having her ride on my bike handlebars - an idea i even floated to her (not in the context of coming back to mine but just as general fun thing to do). i decided before i paid the bill that the logistics weren't there for a same day pull.

Looking back i think i should've tried it anyway in spite of tough logistics. i could've either left my bike there and taken public transport back to mine or have her to rent an electric scooter to ride alongside me. didn't have the right "make shit happen in spite of logistics not being perfect" mentality



Things start to fade:
After we finish eating i have us sit back down on the sand. all the sudden the mood slightly shifts. she starts making less eye contact and playing with the sand. she's acting more reserved - though it doesn't feel cold in the slightest. felt like more timid/nervous/shy/maybe tiredness. we are still bantering/conversing in mostly same way but these nonverbals changed. she even apologizes for playing with sand so much.

i ask at one point "so you'll just study after this?" she says yes she asks what i'm doing after this (oh shit maybe this was her wanting me to pull her back...? although its also just natural next thing to ask) - i tell her the truth which is that i'll probably get ahead on some work for tomorrow. she then asks what i do. i tell her my job and she replies that "thats sounds so adulty." she then talks about age and how 18 year olds seem so young to her (she is a month away from 21 so idk how this age was thought of), and that anyone under... uh 25 is basically a kid. i make remark that 18 year olds seemed so old when you were 12 and get back into bantering/flowing conversation.

looking back i wonder if this was hesitancy toward me because of age difference which isn't large at all in my opinion - im 24 and told her that in the initial convo. she also forgot my age during dinner referring to me as "twenty something." maybe she was seeing me in "provider frame" after me paying for meal and now telling her about my "adult" work.

another memorable thing is she recollects the opening i made. "did you really need pictures? - you were smooth with it" i told her i needed pictures but picked her to take them since she was cute. i guess she was coming back to reality from the "high" of the encounter.

the lack of eye contact and change in nonverbals prevents me from going for a kiss - i think at the time of how i could angle for it but it doesn't seem to make sense given the mood shift. i then walk her back to her train with my bike (the bike definitely makes it harder to create closeness). but we keep talking - mood is still lower but conversation is still good and flowing well. i grab her hat as a tease thinking this might set a playful mood i can go for a kiss from but she takes it back embarrased by her "hat head." i drop her off at train station and we do nice long hug and she tells me to text her with sweet parting look.



follow up texts:
when i get back i text her "hey! its Bob. Was really nice to hang out with you today " she doesn't respond but the following morning (today) she hearts my message.

i text her later that day "hey (name) how was your exam, hope you didn't (inside joke) " she reads it immediately (left on read) but no response.

then she texts me literally as i'm writing this field report "hey Bob, sorry about the delayed response. I want to be transparent. I really enjoyed hanging out with you and thank you for taking me out. But I just didn’t feel a romantic spark. I wish u the best "



reflection:
so what happened here? I'm a bit stumped frankly. i suppose it would be a lost cause to try to reach out after this firm rejection (let me know if you think theres something i should try if you think otherwise).

here are my possible theories (and i'm just guessing because i really dont know)
-i missed escalation window by not going for the pull at opportune time (bad logistics/giving up) and she soured on me
-i spiked her "buying temperature" and i let the vibe die - kind of same thing as above
-her logical brain talked her out of it (i guess this is also same thing)
-she was just having fun/being a tease but was never really into me
-paying bill changed the lover/provider frame and she rejected me once i started seeming like provider

feels so weird that she could go from 100 to zero. also the excuse that there was no spark seems like a fake excuse.

 

[gameboy]

Your report is a bit long, I think you'll get more advice for shorter reports because few people like to read huge walls of text.

As for the reasons why it didn't work, we can only guess. She told you she is "talking to someone" so I guess she was feeling self conscious about that. Maybe it "worked out" with the other guy in the meantime or something.

Well done for deflecting that - yeah baby maybe if you come with me, that will help the other guy make up his mind. It worked in the short term, but maybe worked against you with regards to closing.

When sitting on the beach I think it was your best opportunity to go for a kiss, but if she wouldn't even make eye contact and gave you an evasive vibe then it probably wouldn't have worked. Maybe do some lighter touch first, start with grabbing her hand, inspect some jewelry might have worked?

I'm not experienced enough to advise you how to break through this kind of resistance, happened to me before as well... Maybe a more experienced seducer would know what to do in this kind of situation.

Oh and paying the bill, yeah that one's kind of tricky. I think it depends a lot on the girl, her culture and expectations. Some girls might be more comfortable if you had split the bill and feel like you're trying to "buy" her. I don't know where this was, but in countries like Colombia ore Russia I hear that the guy is supposed to pay for everything and girls will expect it.

 

[Bob Z]

Your report is a bit long, I think you'll get more advice for shorter reports because few people like to read huge walls of text.

thanks - i agree. this was too rambly. i actually edited it so now it should be shorter and hopefully easier to read. thanks.

As for the reasons why it didn't work, we can only guess. She told you she is "talking to someone" so I guess she was feeling self conscious about that. Maybe it "worked out" with the other guy in the meantime or something.

yes - i think there was maybe some guilt around this and my only chance to get around it was to pace her reality until SDL - this is what I'm leaning toward. although i still suspect paying the bill was pivotal frame mistake.

When sitting on the beach I think it was your best opportunity to go for a kiss, but if she wouldn't even make eye contact and gave you an evasive vibe then it probably wouldn't have worked. Maybe do some lighter touch first, start with grabbing her hand, inspect some jewelry might have worked?

honestly - i feel like i already lost it at this point. maybe the best thing to do would have been to ask her if anything was wrong and try to get her to open up about potential hesitations or what is going through her head.

Oh and paying the bill, yeah that one's kind of tricky. I think it depends a lot on the girl, her culture and expectations. Some girls might be more comfortable if you had split the bill and feel like you're trying to "buy" her. I don't know where this was, but in countries like Colombia ore Russia I hear that the guy is supposed to pay for everything and girls will expect it.

where i am is nothing like that. maybe with older girls/women, but not with young college student. i feel like it shifted the vibe from "here is fun/cool guy i'm hanging out with" to "heres a guy who i'm on a date with and need to make decision on"

 

[Bob Z]

Wow. After some reflection and girlschase articles I think I realize the issue with this FU: Autorejection due to low attainability but more significantly moving slow and not going for the close

I think she really wanted me to go for the pull - here are the clues I'm putting together:
-she asked me what i was doing after this. this was natural in conversation and it was preceded by me asking her the same question. on its own this might be enough but there are more clues.
-she remarked on the walk to the train station that "she'd love to go on a roof or balcony" WTF this feels like such an obvious sign to pull. idk how tf i missed this or it didn't register

why i think i conveyed too little attainability:
-she is girl who just moved to city from rural suburb. probably not used to seeing many high value guys nor does she realize her own level of attractiveness fully - meaning i had to do less to elicit too much DHV for attainability
-me paying the full dinner, i thought the issue with this was the provider frame but i think the main issue positioned me as being well off especially in comparison to her who as i said is from rural area, unlikely poor but probably lower middle class.
-me explaining my job and how it "sounded so adulty" to her lost attainability as she is broke college student
-i mentioned my friend with mansion who has pool parties i could bring her to - lol i was def pumping up the value way too high
-she seemed to think i might just be player when she was openly reflecting on my opener and how i was "smooth with it" after. cold approaching a girl is definitely value add but it probably hurts attainability if she sees you as smooth guy with options (at least in this context where there were other factors)

signs she was autorejecting:
-acting insecure about her hair
-the mood change after the dinner aligning with a lot of those other factors
-the look she gave me as she said goodbye, it was almost a look of sadness and yearning as if she got her hopes up on me but is sad because she is guarding herself from potential rejection. honestly it reminded me of my last gf breaking up with me more or less due to lack of commitment

WOW - I am pretty confident this is the reason why. My mind is blown. I had completely forgotten about the concept of auto-rejection.