FU/FR: Approach anxiety extended edition

[Average]

As me and my 2 friends were leaving a shop, we saw a girl who was sitting alone on the side of the parking lot for lack of benches. As usual I asked the gents if somebody could come with me for support, and as usual they said no because of her being older.

We passed her.

Afterwards it was eating me up inside knowing that we were letting a girl go even though she was the only one we've seen in about a week. So I decided to go back.

I was already pre-nervous over the fact that she just watched me make a U-turn for her. And I still wasn't used to standing still with a girl. So I just accepted that I'd fuck up and just went with whatever came straight to mind.

Me: hey
Her: hi
Me: how are you
Her (starts smiling): fine, you?
Me: I'm cool....anyway.....I was just wondering.....if you were
single.....
Her (surprised look and then starts giggling): why?
Me: well.....I just thought that.....you looked.....kinda pretty.....and
that I kinda......want your numbers.......
Her (giggles): yeah, I kinda do
Me: okay.....can I have your numbers anyway?
Her (gigles): nah. You can't.
Me: I'm great at keeping secrets
Her (gigling): nah, I don't need secrets like that hey.
Me: ok. What're you waiting here for?
Her: my sister
Me: oh. Is she buying something in there?
Her: nah, she's working.
Me: oh, so your gonna be here for a while then?
Her: yeah....

At this point I started running outta topics because I was afraid of fucking up. So I ejected early out of fear.

Me: well then, lemme leave you alone with your thoughts
Her: ok
Me: goodbye
Her: bye.

Upon reflection I probably could have stayed and spoken longer. And since she was sitting, her being stationary sort of made me realize how powerful this can be in seduction. So my next point of practice will be to work on getting used to talking with women in a stationary location. And maybe getting her stationary if she's already moving. This will shift power to me early on.

Also, I realized that although approach anxiety may not stop me from making the approach., It can make me nervous after the approach and prevent my seduction process. So I should probably calm down by making a few topics situational topics I can make beforehand which I can bend in any situation. I can use these to talk to her immediately about something to smoothen my entrance and then using a pregnant pause to calm myself down.

I welcome all opinions and point of views. Especially ones I failed to list.

PS: a question for the moderators (or anybody that can help
me with this): how do I update my journal with stuff that
Other people can see as well so I can get
help even though they aren't tracking my
journal? E.g: This very post could have been
in my journal but I still want people to read
It and comment.....

 

[andersen09]

Hey Ash! I think that was an awesome step to face your anxiety head on in the beginning. So I want to start off by congratulating you.
I will say ideally, you don't want to have any type of visible nervousness when you're talking to a girl, because it conveys that you're nervous about what she's going to be thinking of you or how she will react. It communicates fear which means it lets her know she's a grade above you even if that may not be true.

Here's some examples from your conversations.

Me: well.....I just thought that.....you looked.....kinda pretty.....and
that I kinda......want your numbers.......
Her (giggles): yeah, I kinda do
Me: okay.....can I have your numbers anyway?
Her (gigles): nah. You can't.

The underlying frame here is this
Ash: Umm.. I kinda.. want your number (I know that it probably won't happen.. but can you give me a chance for your number and maybe take this somewhere?)
Her: Nah, you can't. (I'm the gatekeeper and I'm denying you of furthering this interaction, cute try though)

It's the underlying frames of the conversation. It communicates she's the one with the prize and you're asking her if you can get the prize. And it's communicated with the feelings of nervousness and being unsure of yourself.

Another communication error I see here is this.

Me: I'm cool....anyway.....I was just wondering.....if you were
single.....
Her (surprised look and then starts giggling): why?
Me: well.....I just thought that.....you looked.....kinda pretty.....and
that I kinda......want your numbers.......

Here's what you're communicating under the words.
You're cuter than any girl I've ever been with or have around me. Hence you are something I'm not used to.

You have to remember, girls want someone equal to them and above them. And when you speak, you have to see what you're sub-communication is behind what you're saying. And girls want guys with options which means, if you're the guy with options, you would naturally have more standards than a girl's physical beauty. You appreciate beauty, but it's only a minimal requirement.

So what's the correct solution? There are many but the main fix is how you see the interaction.

You're the one with standards, and you want to let her know her attractiveness peaked your curiosity. I want to know who you are individually to see if you' fit my standards

So here's some tips.

1. Get rid of your nervousness by just doing these interactions over and over.
Just keep doing it. And you'll probably go through interactions like these for the first 3,4,10 times you do it.
I remember I was nervous the first 5 girls I talked to and couldn't stop it.

And here's a way of dealing with it when you're really nervous.

A. You have to own your nervousness. Meaning think about when you're happy, do you every try to hide your happiness? Nope. You own it and express it. And as you experience more and more of what you feel happy about, you become less and less thrilled and excited about it and you have to do more and more. And I actually think you did a great job of owning it actions wise. But another thing that can help is verbally recognizing it but not making it a big deal out of it.

"Hey, I never do this and actually feel a bit nervous, but I wanted to come tell you that (insert opener)"

This does two things for you.
A. She realizes why you're so tense and can let herself go a little bit from understanding.
B. It lets her know you also go for what you want even if you're nervous.


B. Practice Qualifying and a bit of skepticism

Instead of saying "You're cute let me get your number"
Practice communicating, "You peaked my curiosity, and would like to get to know you to see if you are X"

And it can be said by

"You're physically appealing and want to see how your personality is like"
"You're cute, I'm Ash. I wanted to see if you were as cool as you look " (playful undertone)

Here's a great example of that written by chase.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/conversation-example


Overall you did great. And the solutions are

1. Reduce nervousness
2. I have standards and want to know if you fit my standards

Because at the end of the day, you have to realize, girls get cute, workout, work on fashion, reputation, and all of that to attract the best guy they can get. And that means for a guy that's above the girl in ranks. And you position yourself as the guy and keep working on improving yourself. And you'll see that as you become better, you work less and they work more naturally. Until that becomes natural, fake it until you make it.

 

[PrettyDecent]

Ash,

Hey man, way to go approaching her when nobody else could summon up the courage - you rock, dude.

Me: hey
Her: hi
Me: how are you
Her (starts smiling): fine, you?
Me: I'm cool....anyway.....I was just wondering.....if you were
single.....
Her (surprised look and then starts giggling): why?
Me: well.....I just thought that.....you looked.....kinda pretty.....and
that I kinda......want your numbers.......

You've got the two most important parts of the interaction here! A direct opening and a number close.

I think you were just a bit nervous, so you skipped all the other parts in the middle. Next time, ask her a few questions about herself. Where is she from? What's she doing out today? And stick in there for a couple minutes to get used to talking to a girl for a long period of time. And you can go for a number close at the end if you start to get along.

Nick

 

[Marcellus]

Ash,

Being nervous is not a problem. Going over to a girl being very nervous and still talking to her is a powerful thing.
Even something like

Hey, look I'm kinda nervous but I thought you were absoloutely beautiful and I just had to talk to you

That is a powerful thing to do and takes a lot of balls. You may run out of things to say and the conversation might not go as well as you hoped but you showed up as a man. You showed up and actually talked to her whilst others would not. You're a powerful man Ash.

Marcellus

 

[Bboy100]

Ash,

Do not label this as "FU" because this is a success, not a failure! You need to celebrate every step you take. Otherwise you will run out of motivation very quickly, you're less likely to have fun doing this and it could also destroy self-esteem. Look dude, you did something which you haven't done very much at all. There's no reason to expect results on your first few or even your first few 100 tries. This is something which takes lots of repetition and practice. Instead, you need to focus on the fact that you did something at all! And that you're growing. This is one step closer to achieving the results you desire. Had I taken this mindset on when I first started, I would have gotten better 1000x quicker.

Here's my assignment to you should you choose to partake in it: Put a positive spin on EVERY interaction you have from now on. I don't care how much you fuck it up, how bad it goes, what you think you did wrong etc. I want you to see the good in it. This will increase motivation to continue, make you a happier person, and help you recognize your success and growth, instead of internalizing your perceived failures and shortcoming. And don't get me wrong, obviously you should still examine it to see how you can improve. But don't forget to acknowledge the fact that regardless of what happened, its progress

 

[Average]

Alright. Thanks for the support guys. And the advice is great, I'll try to keep em all and be more positive in the field. I'm a bit more relaxed knowing that the board has got my back