Getting back together with ex

[Dormido]

First of all, sorry for my english, it's not my native language so i hope to make it as clear as possible. (I'm from Mexico, btw)

Ok, back in March I met a girl from college, and we really hit it off and started dating, we wer seeing almost daily, chatting all day long, doing stuff that probably just LongTerm couples do, (i met her parents at first month)
we didn't had as much as sex as we would want because neither of us have a private place to do it, however we did it several times in hotels and such, but other than that we were a happy couple
However, i started realizing in November that she didnt was as much as invested in me as i was in her, and i did everything possible to try to return to the status we had months ago but didnt work as planned. (She started partying without me, stopped answering my phonecalls, and she would answer my messages slower than usual)...It was a standar case of bored girl.

I did'nt knew this site back then, so I tried talking to her and i told her that i wanted to save our relationship but i needed her to make an effort, however she said that she just didn't felt like it, she dindt felt the spark anymore, so I broke with her.

I felt utterly destroyed obviously, but I think she was more in the "Finally phase". That's when i discovered this site and learned everything about not chasing, and investment, and challenge and all that stuff that made me realize what i had wrong since the beginning.

With that new mentality, i started to do what chase propose in the case of a bored girl, and in December I told her that i felt like a new man and that i wanted to try again and wanted to get back together. She said that she wanted the same, but not in that moment, because she had to return to her parents town during holidays and didnt want to "feel like she left someone behind here" So i said ok, because frankly, it was better than nothing.

During december I limit messaging with her, and didnt chase as much as before and actually it worked because she was the first one to send a message in christmas and NYE. However, i wanted to visit her town and maybe have a time with her with possiblity of getting laid, but when i asked her if I could meet her THIS SATURDAY 3RD, she got nervous... she told me that she would anyway return the 12th (I don't really understood the meaning of this excuse), but she felt nervous about her parents because they would find weird that her exboyfriend would come to see her even if we're not getting back together (at least in that moment)

So, right now my options are:
a) Listen to what she SAID and not going,and waiting her to return the 12th.
b) Doing what I THINK SHE WANTED,and going anyway the 3rd, being extracareful about her parents to not having her feel that social pressure.

However I do not want to be chasing or looking needy, but I think going despite she said not to, it might look like something exciting and romantic, exactly what Chase advices in my case.
What you guys think?
I'll gratefully appreciate any kind of answers and advices.

Saludos!

 

[ray_zorse]

Bro you seem to have a pretty good idea of the game and what you are doing wrong, but sometimes we do have little blind spots in our own game and in this case it appears you are still chasing even if you are rationalizing it to yourself?

You did the right thing by putting an ultimatum on her and breaking it off but you're obviously feeling some regrets at demanding investment and screening her out on that basis, and backpedaling a bit on your frame, which is not a good thing. I guess you stopped chasing for a while but in that time you thought about her a lot and became over-invested as a result?

When you say you forced yourself to limit contact with her etc, this is a good thing but instead of "fake it till you make it" you need to also be thinking about how to make yourself a dominant and attractive and busy man who wouldn't have to consciously limit messaging with her, because he'd be busy and wouldn't waste any mental investment without significant returns, so it would happen naturally.

This proposed visit to her hometown sounds pretty chasey, also she has a good excuse for not wanting it to happen, remember she has a reputation to maintain and you can see why she wouldn't want her parents thinking she's still fucking around with a guy who is not a long term prospect right?

It would be much better to go in under the radar (even make it friends with benefits rather than official relationship this time around) and definitely you should phrase things as just you and her hanging out, no pressure etc (and if sex "just happens" then so be it)... you should defo not be travelling a long distance to see her as that puts lots of pressure on both of you.

I wouldn't read too much into her response, she may be really into you and keen to hangout after the 12th... but as to your own situation you probably can't be aloof and outcome independent because you're obviously quite invested, that's why I'd recommend to get rid of her (at least until you become a high value man) and go do some cold approaching.

cheers, Ray

 

[Dormido]

I guess you stopped chasing for a while but in that time you thought about her a lot and became over-invested as a result?

Yep, that sounds about right, specially after discovering all sort of articles about Long term relationship and everything else, I guess I want to get practice with that stuff.

This proposed visit to her hometown sounds pretty chasey, also she has a good excuse for not wanting it to happen, remember she has a reputation to maintain and you can see why she wouldn't want her parents thinking she's still fucking around with a guy who is not a long term prospect right?

Well, I took your advice and didn't go. Actually I knew since the begining that it maybe wasn't the best course of action, I wanted to see if there was another perspective that maybe I wasn't seeing.

However, I'm not sure about doing friends with benefits thing, since that's how we started, (even with sex) during 5 or 6 months until we decide to become a couple...And frankly I want to have a Long Term relationship with this girl. So I have many doubts about that, but I think it's just better to wait to see how things go to actually have to think about that.

I tried cold approach and it worked, I couldn't get their numbers but I think for my case it's a good start. I also had 3 dates that finished with kissing, and physical escalataion (we call it 'faje' ) but without sex, so it's a way to keep practicing and games honed...I think.

Thanks for the advice, Ray!

 

[Dormidov2]

Well, i'v been wanting to update my situation but i'm having troubles logging, so I'm at work, with another account, so...let me tell you what's happening.

In this days we've been having less contact than ever. Back in last days of december and january we've at least sometimes got one or two messages, but the contact have been less and less.

She didn't returned the 12nd, but the 18th, so I went to see her that night, wanting to have at least some kisses again, after all, weve havent seen each other since almost a month and a half.

I didnt told her I was coming, so she at first was surprised, when we greet I tried to give her one kiss in the mouth but she refused, I suppose she wasn's as keen as I thought...I moved on so we started talking for like an hour outside her house.
During that time i tried to proceed with physical contact, like touching her hair, but when I tried to give her a hug she didnt reciprocicate, so it was an awkward hug with her arms crossed. After that, she said that she had to return to prepare her things for school and other stuff.

I then asked if she had thought about our situation and she said that she haven't. She was quite desperate to get inside her home, saying things like "No, really...it's late", "Really, really, i have to go", however i grabbed her and I kissed her in the mouth, which she answered this time. She was saying also "I dont know...i dont know what i want", so i kissed her again and say in my macho-est voice and attitude possible, "You know you want that".

After that, she got in her house and i left. That was Sunday 18.

We didn't spoke until Thursday 22nd, I had to do some errands in the school she's in. I called her before to see if she was available to have a minidate or just hanging around, but she didnt answer. I ignored that and when i got in the campus she was already leaving, i asked her if she wanted to acommpany me to a nearby mall, and she said yes, however, she was sick with the monthly disease of the women, so she said no aftewrwards. I said ok, no problem, and we left again.

We didn't talk again until this Sunday. She sent me a message at 3am and said somethng like this:

I really want to talk with you, but i'm an awful person and I need to organize my ideas. I can't handle this sudden visits because i dont know what i am supposed to do or what you expect me to do. I can't act as if nothing happened, as if everything was the same, beacause it isn't. That's all, bye.

I said that i didn't wanted to pressure her into doing anytihng and said that we should talk, she agreed and...that's all.

I wanted to see what are your thoughts about it, but it sounds to me that she doesn't want anything with me, but also might be that she really doesn't know hot to act or what to do...so it should be my duty to eliminate her doubts and lead her strongly in a way that is all natural and without pressure for her.

 

[ray_zorse]

Yes well I certainly see your reasoning in that, if she expresses doubt or uncertainty it's your signal to lead... but you have to take into account the overall context, like if all is going well and you've kissed her and she's kissing you back and then she says "I'm not sure we should be doing this"... then obviously she is just looking for your reassurance to help her do what she wants to do anyway... but this isn't the situation here, from what you wrote in your report it sounds like she was quite uncomfortable with your persistence and that's bad news.

As a general rule turning up unannounced is a bad idea, it's a bit like your proposed trip to her hometown, pretty chasey and communicates that you don't have much to do with your time and sets a negative investment precedent (you will go out of your way to see her and she'll just sit back and receive the attention)... and besides all this, at best it's just a bit rude / discourteous, I would be upset about people turning up unannounced at my place cos my time is important to me and I like to be able to plan & use it to best effect... at worst she could actually find it scary and involve cops et cetera.

This is a hopeless case, but frankly the die was cast a long time ago, you broke up for a reason and nothing has changed since then except you've gone from having a solid frame to hardcore chasing mode which is very unattractive. She initially tried to put you off gently but this gave you false hope and now she's been firmer and it's time to take her feelings on board. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Better get approaching brother, only thing that will help is talking to more women and getting some dates lined up

-Ray

 

[Dormidov2]

Im already at peace with the idea of not having anything else to do, however, I want to know if having that talk with her it's necessary, at least for having a proper closure.

I thought after that message she sent me, she would want to talk, so i invited her past monday to do it, but she said she was busy and without money, so I guess it isnt' as necessary for her as she said.

Should I try to have "the talk" , or just absolutely cut the contact with her?

Anyway, thanks for all the advices Ray!

 

[ray_zorse]

Hmm well I would just toughen up and move on. Sure the talk would tie up loose ends etc... it would also remove any mystery and make you an open book which is never good. I would look at it like this
(a) in the vanishingly unlikely scenario she wants to get back with you, now or later, the talk would kill it
(b) the talk is effort on your part for no gain, if you think its for her emotional needs think again (she'll tell you what she wants), if its for yours then harden the fuck up and don't be so needy, you already had the breakup talk, leave it there
(c) any attention at all rewards and encourages her behaviour, so if you want to discourage her from jerking you around then ignore her until she suggests a hangout or gives some other positive investment instead of excuses (potentially for good).

-Ray

 

[luego]

I agree with Ray. What most guys WANT is a "I don't like you. Don't want to be with you. We can be friends but I'll never sleep with you" conversation. Girls cannot comprehend that we actually want that level of defined information so that we can just live our lives. Even your closure talk isn't likely going to get you what you want.

If she wants to re-engage, she will. You can try preselection, all the crap from the "how to get a girl back" threads... but that's almost always a lost cause, and the nutshell answer there is "you can't do it by trying."

 

[Dormidov2]

Guys, there is an update. In case you've read the topic about logistics I got a new house so I've gained some new "value", so to speak.

Last Saturday, I posted an picture of my new place on FB, and my ex (the one that originated this thread) liked it.

Today, i received a text message from her saying that she wishes me the best luck, and that's she's happy for me.

I haven't replied yet, because i'm not sure if just saying "Thanks ", or doing something more, being her message one sign of investment.

Or maybe she's just genuinely happy about me, what you guys think?