All throughout high school I trapped myself in my room and always planned for the future and never tried to have fun. So many women would like me, but I always turned them down because I would find one of their flaws and have that one flaw define their entire being. Every time that I do try to have a good time I always hear my mother in the back of my head saying, "Don't do anything stupid and don't get a girl pregnant." I'm about to start my second year at a big name university where parties are crazy and women are loose. My first year I had some girls, but not as much as I wanted. I want to be able to pick up women whenever I want and have whoever I want. Basically, I want to have fun without hearing my mother's words in my head again. I talked with a best friend, who I've known all my life and he told me that I am too serious with life and that I always look too serious, sometimes even stuck up. I just need some advice to help me get out of my shell and to start living in the present and stop worrying about what my mother has told me since I was young. I've read half of Chase's book and it has helped tremendously, but I just feel like I am missing something. HELP
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
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Eckhart Tolle is pretty good on this. His basic philosophy is that we are all prisoners of our thought-stream, and he suggests a multi pronged approach to escaping from what he calls the "trap of the mind" or similar, i.e. to still those thoughts which are bothering you (in your case an echo of the past which you would like to be free from).
One of his techniques is to "inhabit your body" which means to try to feel deeply -- for instance focus intently on your hands, can you feel the tingling and aliveness in them? While you're doing this you're not thinking, you're feeling. But as soon as you feel something your brain will try to put it into words "I feel a tingling" or even "I feel deeply relaxed". If this happens don't focus on the thought, try to divert your mind / cut off the thought and return to a pure feeling state.
Another exercise (although he doesn't call it an exercise but rather one's natural state) is to visualize yourself, or rather, your consciousness, as separate from your mind or more importantly your ego. Just be in the position of an observer "oh, my mind is telling itself not to get a girl pregnant, I wonder which ego need is being fulfilled by this? probably my ego feels diminished by its separation from our mother, and is trying to make itself feel solid again by seeking our mother's approval... that's interesting". By becoming an observer of your mind, rather than being your mind, you rob these thoughts of a lot of their power over your state.
You also talk about being in the moment, this is a central theme of his. He believes the past and future don't exist, except as a mental image or mind-created concept. Once you accept the mindset that you are your consciousness, which experiences only the present moment, and not your mind/ego which largely ignores the present moment and lives mostly in the past and future... it's easy to realize that being dominated by your mind or thought-stream is something to avoid. "Let's talk to this girl and do whatever comes naturally in any given moment" is a healthier mindset than "I'm concerned that I will get her pregnant in the future".
Ray
One of his techniques is to "inhabit your body" which means to try to feel deeply -- for instance focus intently on your hands, can you feel the tingling and aliveness in them? While you're doing this you're not thinking, you're feeling. But as soon as you feel something your brain will try to put it into words "I feel a tingling" or even "I feel deeply relaxed". If this happens don't focus on the thought, try to divert your mind / cut off the thought and return to a pure feeling state.
Another exercise (although he doesn't call it an exercise but rather one's natural state) is to visualize yourself, or rather, your consciousness, as separate from your mind or more importantly your ego. Just be in the position of an observer "oh, my mind is telling itself not to get a girl pregnant, I wonder which ego need is being fulfilled by this? probably my ego feels diminished by its separation from our mother, and is trying to make itself feel solid again by seeking our mother's approval... that's interesting". By becoming an observer of your mind, rather than being your mind, you rob these thoughts of a lot of their power over your state.
You also talk about being in the moment, this is a central theme of his. He believes the past and future don't exist, except as a mental image or mind-created concept. Once you accept the mindset that you are your consciousness, which experiences only the present moment, and not your mind/ego which largely ignores the present moment and lives mostly in the past and future... it's easy to realize that being dominated by your mind or thought-stream is something to avoid. "Let's talk to this girl and do whatever comes naturally in any given moment" is a healthier mindset than "I'm concerned that I will get her pregnant in the future".
Ray
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2015
- Messages
- 792
Ray is older than me and might offer a more useful way to deal with this. As someone who had this same problem (being serious all the time) I will share how I dealt with it.
Instead of being so serious all the time, take some "time off" and do exactly the opposite: don't plan anything at all. Don't sit in your room to plan anything. Don't be so damn serious all the time. It is tiring anyway. Be spontaneous. Do weird stuff. Do things you wouldn't ever consider yourself doing. When some idea pops into your head, do it right away or save it for tomorrow, but do it. Even if you happen to be in your room when you could be anywhere else, try to use your room for others purposes than planning your future or sleeping or whatever you do there
Things to consider
- in the beginning you might feel incongruent because you're not used to live your life like this. Either way there will be a period of adapting to this "state".
- The purpose of doing this "exercise", in lack of better terms, is to know how it feels to have experienced both ends of the spectrum (i.e. planning every single detail for your future vs. being spontaneous and not knowing what's coming to you). And when you know what both ends feel like, you can meet yourself "in the middle", meaning that you will find your right balance of seriousness vs. spontaneity. Thus, "taking time off" should only be a phase until you're ready to mix your serious life with a twist of spontaneity and fun.
Hope you find it helpful
a-jay
Instead of being so serious all the time, take some "time off" and do exactly the opposite: don't plan anything at all. Don't sit in your room to plan anything. Don't be so damn serious all the time. It is tiring anyway. Be spontaneous. Do weird stuff. Do things you wouldn't ever consider yourself doing. When some idea pops into your head, do it right away or save it for tomorrow, but do it. Even if you happen to be in your room when you could be anywhere else, try to use your room for others purposes than planning your future or sleeping or whatever you do there
Things to consider
- in the beginning you might feel incongruent because you're not used to live your life like this. Either way there will be a period of adapting to this "state".
- The purpose of doing this "exercise", in lack of better terms, is to know how it feels to have experienced both ends of the spectrum (i.e. planning every single detail for your future vs. being spontaneous and not knowing what's coming to you). And when you know what both ends feel like, you can meet yourself "in the middle", meaning that you will find your right balance of seriousness vs. spontaneity. Thus, "taking time off" should only be a phase until you're ready to mix your serious life with a twist of spontaneity and fun.
Hope you find it helpful
a-jay
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2012
- Messages
- 1,124
Good answers with their own merit and I pay heed to them myself, but I want to share what I found is the most potent course for me.
I am at my best when I have a clear purpose and direction I am striving towards. This can and will shift and sometimes is not so clear (often it is not), however being able to take action in order to achieve a goal you desire is immensely important for a man.
Having this utterly eradicates my doubts, depression, dissatisfaction, etc. that plague me when I am wandering and waiting for an answer. Yes I will still be introspective during these courses and may question my actions (which is important) but I will take action towards the goal.
Often I will have new found energy, inspiration, spontaneity and my favorite, boldness.
This answer is not a quick fix and figuring it out can be a journey of its own.
I am at my best when I have a clear purpose and direction I am striving towards. This can and will shift and sometimes is not so clear (often it is not), however being able to take action in order to achieve a goal you desire is immensely important for a man.
Having this utterly eradicates my doubts, depression, dissatisfaction, etc. that plague me when I am wandering and waiting for an answer. Yes I will still be introspective during these courses and may question my actions (which is important) but I will take action towards the goal.
Often I will have new found energy, inspiration, spontaneity and my favorite, boldness.
This answer is not a quick fix and figuring it out can be a journey of its own.
