Getting rejected in social circle and handling it

[Dylweed]

Weird thing I've noticed is every time that i ask a girl out and she refuses, or i take a girl on a date who doesn't want to go on a 2nd, i can't help but act differently towards her afterwards.

I think it's because the situation has now switched from it feeling like what this could be, between me and her, to it feeling like what it can't be.

For example there's a cute girl at work who i hadn't really had any long conversations with yet, just short ones, and she seemed warm to me. Well one day we ended up in a conversation and we were talking about how 2 other guys had just asked her out while she was working, and how she turned them down. I then asked her if she would get food with me sometime.
"Maybe" she said, "thats better than a no right?"
I said idk. The conversation ended and when i was walking past her a few minutes later, I stopped and asked, "So what was your answer to that question again?"
"What question?" she asked.
"Us getting food sometime."
Again she said "maybe."
I said "okay, well i consider anything other than a yes a no."
She said, "Don't say that! You'd know if it was a no. Trust me."
I said, "okay then, well how does this work then? Someday you're just gonna stop me at work and let me know that it's a yes?"
She was like "yeah, exactly!" Then while the conversation was starting die and i was starting to leave she said something like she was saying sorry.
I said, "yeah I'm heartbroken," with my hand on my chest.
"Really?" she asked
"Yeah," I said
"You should probably eat something then, that helps," she said. "Some ice cream, some chocolate ice cream."
I said, "yeah thats what im gonna do right when i get home."
She laughed and that was it

I basically wanted to get a yes or a no because i don't like not knowing. I don't want to keep my hopes up and try to win her over. And i know girls like having that feeling of maybe someday, if i wanted to, i could totally hook up with that guy. But somebody else always wins her over instead.

But when this happens to me i can't act the same towards them. It seems like maybe I try to act more superior to compensate for feeling rejected and weak. Because before i ever find out that they're not attracted to me, i assume that they are. And then if i find out that they're not attracted, it just seems a little weird being around them for a little while at first after this happens.

For example this time when i seen the girl at work the next day, i was talking with the guy i was working with and she stopped us and said "The most embarrassing thing just happened to me."
I asked "what?" but my tone of voice didn't sound very exciting, probably more skeptical.
She started explaining what happened to her, she was barely giving me any eye contact, looking at the guy who i was with(I don't know if they've really spoken to each other yet). He was very neutral, while i was starting to get slightly annoyed/bored. When she finally looked back at me at the end of her story, i said, "Thats...awesome" in a very non enthusiastic tone.
She said, "ugh, why do you hate me?"
I just laughed and we started walking away.
A few minutes later when i turned around we both noticed each other. I started smiling at her, closed mouth, but almost about to laugh. She said said, "I'm mad at you"
I paused and said, "youre so funny"
She repeated it again, "I'm mad at you"
I paused again and said, liar" and that was it.

I just know that i was way warmer to her before i had ever asked her out. Can't tell if im a dick now or not. And it's probably just because i know she won't go out with me.

Just wondering if anybody can relate to this or share some insight, Thanks

 

[Knightrain]

If you are primarily talking to a girl because of your sexual/romantic interest in her and she shuts you down, you wouldn't really talk to her in the same way anymore because your main reason for talking to her no longer exists...

What that means really depends on you:

If you are a generally warm and friendly guy and you went through the process of asking this girl out with detached curiosity, then her rejection wouldn't really effect how you behave around her (except that you probably wouldn't continue trying to move things forward with her). You'd still be warm and friendly around her.

If you are not usually warm or friendly, but are warm/friendly to girls you are trying to move things forward with, if a girl shuts you down, you wouldn't be warm/friendly around her anymore because your reason for being warm/friendly to her has disappeared.


In either case, if you resent her for not going out with you, then its pretty much impossible to act normally around her.



As for the "maybe", Chase said in a comments section that it's usually a nice way of saying "no". To prevent not knowing what the "maybe" means next time, I recommend finding out her schedule first and then asking her out on a day she is free. If she gives you a "maybe" in that circumstance, she's not interested.



Did you get investment or compliance before asking her out?

 

[Smurf]

Hey Dylweed,

I have the same problem. It's hard to treat a girl the same after you've been rejected by her. Usually I don't try and pick up girls where I'm getting my business done, but in the case of social circle, I don't think you should be treating them any different than before. I try to have an abundance mentality, so when she says maybe, I would just continue as normal. Maybe turn the flirting down a notch.

When you said you were heartbroken, what was your voice tone? Even sarcastically, I wouldn't have said it as it puts you in a chasing position.

Try to really feel abundance, approach some other girls. Tighten your fundamentals some more, and hopefully she'll see what she was missing out on. If not, don't worry. It seems like she's almost set on putting you in boyfriend territory, sadly. Try and disqualify yourself.

Chase has articles on both social circle and boyfriend disqualification. I can't link them because I'm on my phone but they should be easy to find. Sorry if my thoughts seem disorganized.

Best of luck bro,

Jake.

 

[Dylweed]

If you are primarily talking to a girl because of your sexual/romantic interest in her and she shuts you down, you wouldn't really talk to her in the same way anymore because your main reason for talking to her no longer exists...

What that means really depends on you:

If you are a generally warm and friendly guy and you went through the process of asking this girl out with detached curiosity, then her rejection wouldn't really effect how you behave around her (except that you probably wouldn't continue trying to move things forward with her). You'd still be warm and friendly around her.

If you are not usually warm or friendly, but are warm/friendly to girls you are trying to move things forward with, if a girl shuts you down, you wouldn't be warm/friendly around her anymore because your reason for being warm/friendly to her has disappeared.


In either case, if you resent her for not going out with you, then its pretty much impossible to act normally around her.



As for the "maybe", Chase said in a comments section that it's usually a nice way of saying "no". To prevent not knowing what the "maybe" means next time, I recommend finding out her schedule first and then asking her out on a day she is free. If she gives you a "maybe" in that circumstance, she's not interested.



Did you get investment or compliance before asking her out?

Thanks for the feedback guys. It's great getting an outside perspective like this. I think i am generally a warm/friendly person because i am even to non attractive girls. I think maybe that i do this though because of the satisfaction that i get from feeling like they are attracted to me. It's all fun really though.

I think i just hate it when a girl knows that i like her more than she likes me. And that makes it harder to act normal around her at first.

And no i didn't get any investment or compliance before asking her out. Would have been a good idea, thank you. And yeah i did assume the maybe was a no. I tried to make that clear to her so she knows that the pressure would be on her from now on to progress things. Which she probably won't, I'm just not going to waste my time on that. Next time i get a maybe i guess i'll try to see when she's free anyways.

Hey Dylweed,

I have the same problem. It's hard to treat a girl the same after you've been rejected by her. Usually I don't try and pick up girls where I'm getting my business done, but in the case of social circle, I don't think you should be treating them any different than before. I try to have an abundance mentality, so when she says maybe, I would just continue as normal. Maybe turn the flirting down a notch.

When you said you were heartbroken, what was your voice tone? Even sarcastically, I wouldn't have said it as it puts you in a chasing position.

Try to really feel abundance, approach some other girls. Tighten your fundamentals some more, and hopefully she'll see what she was missing out on. If not, don't worry. It seems like she's almost set on putting you in boyfriend territory, sadly. Try and disqualify yourself.

Chase has articles on both social circle and boyfriend disqualification. I can't link them because I'm on my phone but they should be easy to find. Sorry if my thoughts seem disorganized.

Best of luck bro,

Jake.

Yes, i did say that sarcastically. I can be a very sarcastic person. Thats probably why i said it. I can see how that could look like chasing though.

I agree, approaching more girls is definitely what i should be doing. Based on what i've shared about the story of me and this girl, do you think there would still be a way to make it work anyways? I'm definitely not stuck on this one girl, just trying to see if it is still possible in your opinion.