gf not respecting me -- help please

[ray_zorse]

I have noticed a bit of a shift in dynamic with my gf, she seems to be taking me for granted and doing little things that I find disrespectful (details in my journal), also she hasn't been as compliant. Compliance has always been an issue with her, but it's worse now, and I haven't been hard pushing as much, partly cos I'm over it and cannot be bothered, partly cos I have come to see it's part of an unhealthy dynamic -- so she's had her way a few times and I think it has emboldened her to be less compliant.

Anyway that's all by way of background, I have decided to deal with above by doing takeaways, like "you may as well leave now" if she refuses sex or similar. I know how to fix the situation, in principle, as long as I'm willing to cut the cord if necessary, and I am certainly willing. So that's all okay.

But the specific issue I want advice on is as follows: I stupidly brought up Facebook, specifically posting pictures thereon, cos I was mildly curious to know if she was doing this, well in further stupidity I said she could post a picture if she wants (casually -- I didn't encourage her to). So a few days later she's shown me she's changed her profile pic to one of us at the game last Sunday, but she's pasted this horrible yellow cartoony frowny face over my face. It was deeply offensive to me. I said it was horrible and I'm 90% certain I also asked her to take it down. She replied "no it's cute" and went on to indirectly try to initiate relationship talk, I think she did all this to try to highlight our uncertain relationship status and push for commitment. I didn't bite.

So I was angry about this but played it cool (to clarify, the issue isn't that she posted the pic, which I gave her permission to do, but that she edited it in a way that made me look like a dick and broadcast to all her friends that her bf is a pussy who will tolerate being disrespected)... last night had the usual 10min phone conversation (which she initiated) in which I was warm to her and tried to confirm arrangements for this Friday's hangout, where she was gonna take us out to eat in the restaurant where she works... but she apparently didn't remember this, and it looked like I was initiating, and I felt like a dick and backpedaled... if I'd been more in tune with my feelings I might have just not mentioned the hangout, and if she brought it up say I was annoyed with her about the photo and didn't want to hangout.

I'm upset that I'm taking care of her emotions and not my own. Obviously, when one is suffering from "nice guy" syndrome it's important to be honest and say your thoughts and to hell with the consequences. I'm okay with this generally. But I fear that at this stage, the damage is done, and if I react I'll appear butthurt. What to do? Having her take the photo down would be a pyrrhic victory at this stage, cos everyone's seen it anyway. The fact it's still up (as of this morning) makes me angry enough to want to break up with her, but I fear if I do this it will appear flip flopping and inconsistent and reactive and emotional.

Having set a "no big deal" frame, or that's to say, having politely registered my objections and been warm to her since then, do I have to suck it up and just ignore the photo issue, and just try to get things back on track in other areas? Logically that seems to be the best approach, but emotionally it's hard to take. I can't shake the feeling I'm not being true to myself. I also don't want her to know I have checked her FB page (although all I can see is the profile photo and I have no wish to delve further). If I choose to end things over this, how do I bring it up in a way that is firm, but doesn't make me appear butthurt over it?

Ray

 

[Franco]

Ray,

These are conflicting statements:

I have noticed a bit of a shift in dynamic with my gf

She replied "no it's cute" and went on to indirectly try to initiate relationship talk, I think she did all this to try to highlight our uncertain relationship status and push for commitment.

This girl is either your girlfriend (and you're in a committed relationship with her, which has been discussed as "open" or "exclusive"), or she's a casual partner who's getting upset because you won't let her be your girlfriend. My guess would be that you've been seeing this girl for at least 3 months.

How long have you been seeing her?

- Franco

 

[ray_zorse]

Yes, Franco, you're on the money there.

I think of her as my gf because I do bf/gf things with her several times a week, and I have met her friends and vice versa. And yes, this has been going on for about 3mths.

What has been verbalized is she is my casual partner and that I continue with other dating. But I know this isn't sustainable and so I have been planning to take an initiative one way or the other before I'm forced to do so on her terms. Looks like I might have been too slow in that regard.

Anyway, bringing up the photo / Facebook issue was my way of indirectly bringing up relationship talk, I expected she would say something like "does that mean you are my bf now?" and I would have said "yes" -- this talk about Facebook happened on Sunday and at the time I was mentally preparing myself to have "the breakup talk" with my other fwb the following day and to stop other dating from then on.

After much agonizing I could not do it, and eventually by Tuesday when this further shit went down (about the photo she had posted) I had decided
(a) not to rock the boat for the time being, or to mix a metaphor, if it ain't broke don't fix it;
(b) my identity as a seducer is more important to me than this relationship, so if she pushes for commitment I will have to let her go; and
(c) there are problems with this girl such as lack of compliance, difficulties with sex and her conservative views;

Being a typical male I suppose I expected her to bring things up directly, I wasn't prepared for this indirectness and her creating drama as a way of acting out and bringing the situation to a head. Although I suppose I should have, since I too was being indirect, but I thought that was reserved for the seducer, haha. Either, she doesn't value herself enough to demand commitment, or she feels it's supplicating and wants to force my hand without supplicating? Hmm.

If I understand correctly the reason for your question, and the advice you've given at other times, you're probably about to tell me I should have interpreted her action as asking for commitment, and met the challenge head on, squarely and directly, and said I can't give that, and let her go? That would be more manly and decisive, right? How I saw it at the time though, was if she didn't ask directly I shouldn't make it an issue. But maybe I need to be more attuned to subtext and answer the questions that are really being asked. Difficult.

Anyway, I might have answered my own question with your help, but I'd still appreciate your thoughts. Thanks Franco.

Ray

 

[Franco]

Ray,

If I understand correctly the reason for your question, and the advice you've given at other times, you're probably about to tell me I should have interpreted her action as asking for commitment, and met the challenge head on, squarely and durectly, and said I can't give that, and let her go? That would be more manly and decisive, right? How I saw it at the time though, was if she didn't ask directly I shouldn't make it an issue. But maybe I need to be more attuned to subtext and answer the questions that are really being asked. Difficult.

Sounds like you've mostly figured out what I'm telling ya!

However, the reason it's come down to her "putting you down" so to speak is that she's probably more respectfully brought up commitment at other times, and since you've pretty much ignored it for the most part yet continue to see her, she's getting continually frustrated with you and is starting use more aggressive tactics to attempt to tie you down. Things will only get worse from this point if you continue to try to see her without giving her what she wants.

Assuming you do/did want to get into a committed relationship with her, I wouldn't say that you should go about it after she publicly humiliated you. You need to let her know that's not acceptable. The way I would probably go about it would look something like this:

Me: You need to take down that profile picture of me right now. I find it highly disrespectful, and I don't like it. I was thinking about having a talk about where our relationship stands at this point and where it will go with you, but I'm not really prone to doing that if you're going to use childish tactics to try to goad me into talking to you about it.
Her: (Likely she will get very apologetic here in some form or another -- she might get angry, but if she does, it's your job to be relatively non-reactive until she calms down. She'll likely later apologize)

At that point, you wait a few days after the apology (and hopefully after she removes the picture) and schedule a time to talk to her about things, and then you could agree to become exclusive (or "open" but committed, if that's your goal), on your terms. However, it sounds to me like you're not really interested in keeping her around as your "actual" girlfriend, so it might be time to break things off with her if that's the case.

NOTE: As far as her making funny pictures of you, she has every right to shame you at this point if she's been pushing for commitment but you've been avoiding the topic. Technically, you might be wasting her time right now (which is invaluable to a woman) when she could be seeking other mating prospects to secure a future for her and her (future) children. If she keeps thinking that's where you'll eventually take it, but you know that's not where it's going to go, then you're stifling her future.

- Franco

 

[ray_zorse]

Well, I did it. It wasn't easy. I laid out all issues before her, including the problems I saw in our relationship, plus my co-dependence and other personal issues such as my lack of desire to move towards marriage or start a second family, and that as part of my personal journey I needed to be able to meet new women on a regular basis, that I had felt miserable not doing this, that my feelings for her hadn't changed, she is still incredibly important to me, but I was making the decision that I considered right rather than the decision that would be easy to make. She was pretty upset. She said that although she hadn't told me this because it was hard for her to say, she had fallen in love with me, she had good times with me, she hadn't pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do, wasn't looking for marriage and couldn't understand why I felt this way, but I stuck to it, no more flip flopping. When it became clear I was determined we hugged a long time and she left. I feel numb, but if last time is any guide (when we hadn't slept together and I told her I am goving to be continuing to date other women) it will hit me later and I will feel lower than low. She also told me she has had only 2 bf before, and both times it unravelled after she made the relationship public by posting photo etc. Shit, I feel terrible, but main thing is I took a hard decision which was to put my needs first, and I stuck to it. So that's something.
Ray

 

[ray_zorse]

That's not really the way I'm looking at it, I mean I didn't break up with her in anger or anything like that (despite strong words in my original post)... I mean sure the compliance issues, and the testing me, and the posting of the picture, would have been issues if I had elected to continue the relationship but having decided to break up I really didn't think they were worth going into in detail. So I don't regard breaking up as "winning" in those areas, although I did explain my feelings on those matters to her in passing.

But the fact is over the last 3-4 weeks I haven't been happy, or at least not as happy as when we started hanging out, because issues have been weighing heavily on me, and I haven't felt honest with her (even though I was honest in the beginning, I felt I was concealing by omission at the end, since I knew full well she had strong feelings and I was caretaking them). And, if I'm not happy something has to change, no matter how painful that might be. I feel proud of myself for being able to get in touch with these feelings.

In previous relationships they've usually just far outlived the time where they were fun and evolved into a kind of co-dependent clinging and eventually been ended by mutual consent after things became absolutely unbearable and we'd both made various attempts to break away. Or in some cases I got dumped or one of us moved away. I don't think I've ever actually taken the initiative to end a relationship based on my own needs before. Having said that... I really have a long way to go in discovering my feelings (a prerequisite for taking care of them).

I have no idea if I can feel love etc. If somebody asked me "do you love Leticia?" I would naturally reply something like "oh, well she's a great girl, she's this, she's that, she does this, she does that, blah blah"... or if somebody asked me "do you hate your ex-wife?" then the first response to my mind would be pretty similar "oh, she's awful, she accused my whatever of whatever and then she did this and that..." none of which actually touches on my emotions towards the person. This is a part of being co-dependent and a people pleaser.

But I'm in recovery thanks to GC. Also I think I might attend the co-dependents 12 step meeting again on Monday, which I gave up for some time because I felt they might judge me about my multiple relationship status, so it wasn't a safe place I could share.

Ray