GF's Crash Dieting

[BarryS1]

My girlfriend is a healthy eater, but lately has gone extreme. She’s been loosing so much weight, her old clothing barely fits anymore. I’m getting pretty worried about her health and don’t know how to tackle the problem. This is my first relationship, so I’ve never felt the need to intervene before. During times I had FWB’s, their unhealthy habits like suntanning all day, binge drinking, drugs, etc didn't affect me b/c I wasn’t committed. Most of the time, I have a “hands-off” policy and don’t like to solve people’s problems.

This is part of a bigger question: How can I support a girl to maintain a healthy diet/bodyweight instead of succumbing to these diet crazes?

Background: My girlfriend had weight issues her entire life and once was 40lbs. + overweight. She started losing the weight by going vegetarian, then went vegan. On a 5’2’’ girl, it’s a big difference. My the time I met her, she lost most of it, but had about a 25-20% body fat ratio with DD’s and a big butt. I actually prefer a girl to have a little sidehandle and curves to being tapered/bone-thin.

Present: I first noticed the decrease about a month ago when she came over for sex. At that time, we haven’t had sex in a couple weeks b/c we both had been sick with the flu. I didn’t say anything, but definitely kept it in mind. A couple weeks ago, she’s gone from vegan to an “almost” raw diet and competes with her friends on cutting calories. I'll sit with them and can hardly believe their discussions about loosing MORE weight. She is almost unrecognizable to when I first met her and almost a stick.

I remember Chase mentioning in a relationship article to watch out for a girlfriend’s “out of the blue” self-improvement routines. In my case, she's always been open about it and on the same trajectory, but getting more extreme. One time when she brought up the diet, I asked why she's straying from the original plan and she responded, "I just wanna be healthy." I recommended she go to a nutritionist for a healthy plan instead of bringing together random pieces of advice from non-qualified people.

 

[ray_zorse]

What you're describing is pretty clearly anorexia. My aunt and sister both had(have) anorexia so I know what it is. Thing to recognize is it's a continuum ranging from extreme unhealthy crash dieting/binging/purging to slightly unusual food preferences. In my opinion it's a disease that never really goes away, but can be controlled/influenced. A bit like eczema, someone with eczema not only has to take extreme care of their skin (avoid hot showers/environments, use certain products, not use others)... but also will get flareups of differing severity which may or may not resolve naturally.

In dealing with something like this I think the key is harm minimization, think of her as a heroin user, your goal is to make sure she has clean needles. A bit unpalatable but there it is. That's all you can do in the short term, but even to do that requires you to build a lot of trust (imagine how hard it is to tell your mum or your gf that you are using heroin tonight, you'd do anything to avoid it, even if you know they're happy to drive to the dispensary and get clean needles). For this reason the only way to go is 100% non judgemental and accepting frame.

Constantly build her up about what a great person she is and how you 100% respect her choices and the life she needs to live. At the same time don't be an enabler. That's why she hangs out with other anorexics, they give her the non judgemental support that she needs, but they're also her enablers, which is a bad thing. If possible subtly try to wean her off the support of her enablers and onto the support of non judgemental people, like you, who aren't. How you walk the tightrope of supporting without enabling is something you will have to work out, but you're a smart guy, you'll do.

Medium to long term what I would suggest is the book "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw -- which explains the root cause of addictive and body dysmorphic behaviours, and a 12 step programme or other support groups of recovering anorexics. (They're the best at supporting without enabling). Also, a private psychiatric clinic or psychologist if she can afford it.

Well, maybe run a mile. But if you care about this girl I want you to open your eyes to the fact that this is a deadly disease, I haven't actually seen it kill but several people close to me have. My younger sister's friend's twin sister is in a very bad way and has been for a number of years apparently.

Ray

 

[Chase]

Barry-

Heck of a post from Ray.

You know, I haven't dealt with this personally, but if it was me, I'd target the root: she's turning into a stick because she thinks it's attractive. You need to help her realize it is not attractive, but every woman's direst fear: ugly and old-looking. I'd start commenting on that:

"Hey, you've been losing a lot of weight recently. At first when you slimmed down a bit you looked younger and healthier, but then you kept going and now you're starting to look really old. I think you should hit the gym and start putting on some muscle and eating a healthier diet. Most guys aren't really into the whole 75-year-old lady-with-bone-cancer look, me included."

Maybe show her some of these videos:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... m+anorexia

Or read her some of the research on anorexia. I've seen a lot of stuff about thin thighs and heart attack:

http://news.health.com/2009/09/04/thin- ... t-disease/

There've been news reports on several models over the years who died of heart attack with too-thin thighs. These are women in their early 20s dying of diseases that kill the elderly because they got too caught up in trying to evoke the "starving North Korean" image, en vogue in the modeling industry.

I might also stress that the reason anorexia is so popular among models is not because it looks good to men or women (it's ugly to both), but because designers want the woman to be as wispy as possible so her frame doesn't get in the way of showing off their clothes. These women aren't beauty ideals. They're clothes racks. It's why models aren't actresses. Studios pick women with hotter bodies for movies, where displaying the Fall Catalogue is not the goal.

Maybe plan ahead and set a weight limit, too. Tell her if she drops beyond XYZ weight (whatever you think is her lowest healthy weight), you're going to break up with her, because she obviously doesn't care about what you like or are attracted to or to listen to you, and you neither want to be with Skeletor from He-Man, or watch her waste away into nothing in a deluded effort to be beautiful that ends up making her ugly to all.

Don't do it so much that the relationship starts feeling oppressive. Maybe once every couple of weeks.

I was pretty overweight coming out of college, and had no idea. I deluded myself into thinking I was skinny + muscle, when actually I was fat + muscle. It wasn't until I had a girlfriend and another friend repeatedly tease me about my belly that it sunk in that maybe I needed to lose some weight. Both were from the third world because American friends and girlfriends were too nice to say it and were happy to let me keep deluding myself so as not to rock the boat and maybe piss me off (oh no!). It took about a year of them both occasionally laughing and going, "Whoa, look at that BELLY!" before I really got it. When you're fighting a deeply-entrenched self-image, it takes some time to wake the person up, and it can't be done all at once.

Chase

 

[BarryS1]

What you're describing is pretty clearly anorexia. My aunt and sister both had(have) anorexia so I know what it is. Thing to recognize is it's a continuum ranging from extreme unhealthy crash dieting/binging/purging to slightly unusual food preferences. In my opinion it's a disease that never really goes away, but can be controlled/influenced. A bit like eczema, someone with eczema not only has to take extreme care of their skin (avoid hot showers/environments, use certain products, not use others)... but also will get flareups of differing severity which may or may not resolve naturally.

Ray, awesome post It really got me thinking because for someone to go cold-turkey from binge eating towards cutting, there must be a greater cause. Beforehand, I believed when she said the PETA vegetarian videos stopped her. Now that I think about it, to maintain a plan for so long, they must LOVE the feeling of controlling something. She did it without anyone’s help like a personal trainer or fitness class, maybe after awhile, she liked the feeling of crash dieting. I’ve seen girls go on diet plans for short-term crazes and binge eat afterwards, but this is not going away.

In dealing with something like this I think the key is harm minimization, think of her as a heroin user, your goal is to make sure she has clean needles. A bit unpalatable but there it is. That's all you can do in the short term, but even to do that requires you to build a lot of trust (imagine how hard it is to tell your mum or your gf that you are using heroin tonight, you'd do anything to avoid it, even if you know they're happy to drive to the dispensary and get clean needles). For this reason the only way to go is 100% non judgemental and accepting frame.

Constantly build her up about what a great person she is and how you 100% respect her choices and the life she needs to live. At the same time don't be an enabler. That's why she hangs out with other anorexics, they give her the non judgemental support that she needs, but they're also her enablers, which is a bad thing. If possible subtly try to wean her off the support of her enablers and onto the support of non judgemental people, like you, who aren't. How you walk the tightrope of supporting without enabling is something you will have to work out, but you're a smart guy, you'll do.

Right now it looks like her family is judging her about loosing her ass/boobs, that’s probably spurring her to continue in defiance. With her friends being the enablers, looks like I’m the only one who could give the right the of supporting. I will look into hiring the rest with a psychiatrist and nutritionist. In fact, I wanted to get a better meal plan going for my workout regime anyway. I’ll say:

“Since we are both pretty focused on our fitness plans, I think we should go to a nutritionist for getting an official plan. I know I’M probably not getting the right info on good foods and I think you could get new ideas on vegan foods. You DID mention that your selection has been stale lately."

Medium to long term what I would suggest is the book "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw -- which explains the root cause of addictive and body dysmorphic behaviours, and a 12 step programme or other support groups of recovering anorexics. (They're the best at supporting without enabling). Also, a private psychiatric clinic or psychologist if she can afford it.

Well, maybe run a mile. But if you care about this girl I want you to open your eyes to the fact that this is a deadly disease, I haven't actually seen it kill but several people close to me have. My younger sister's friend's twin sister is in a very bad way and has been for a number of years apparently.

I’ll definitely check out the book and look for examples of supporting without enabling. The psychiatrist sounds like a good idea because I have a sister who went to one for decreasing her hair-pulling habits. They gave her mind tricks for preventing hair-pulling, but the results came from shocking her to change. Also, I’ll throw in the nutritionist too because her family is wealthy and probably will pay for both because they’ve brought it up to. I can’t believe how blindly she went into becoming vegan without knowing the about extra nutrition like taking a multi-vitamin, calcium, iron, ect.


Chase, that’s another good point about trying to look attractive. On one hand, maybe she has a psychologist disorder (like Ray suggested) and trying to look like someone or just loves restricting food (maybe both).

You know, I haven't dealt with this personally, but if it was me, I'd target the root: she's turning into a stick because she thinks it's attractive. You need to help her realize it is not attractive, but every woman's direst fear: ugly and old-looking. I'd start commenting on that:

"Hey, you've been losing a lot of weight recently. At first when you slimmed down a bit you looked younger and healthier, but then you kept going and now you're starting to look really old. I think you should hit the gym and start putting on some muscle and eating a healthier diet. Most guys aren't really into the whole 75-year-old lady-with-bone-cancer look, me included.”

I am gonna try to get her help with the nutrition and if she isn’t complying, I’m gonna be blunt by saying this. I like the idea about setting a minimum weight and seeing how she progresses from there. I have a huge opportunity cost to being in a relationship and her body is one of the most important things to me. If her weight gets too low, I’ll stop becoming attracted to her.


Thanks, you guys. I’m seeing her later today and will post tomorrow about what she says about getting help with the diet plan.

 

[ray_zorse]

I think you're both pretty on point with this. I think the diet plan sounds good for harm minimization, because it's still basically allowing her to control her shit, but hopefully in a safer and less extreme way. I think the framing in regards to attractiveness/non attractiveness would not hurt at all, though I'm not sure attractiveness is the issue here (edit: tuat's just an excuse she uses that makes it socially acceptable to do what she wants to do, at least in the early stages of the disease -- just like the PETA excuse), nevertheless she is a girl and she wants to be attractive, aside from any other issues she might have. So any extra motivation to seek treatment or recognize her issues doesn't hurt. I think the weight limit is a good way to set a boundary to how much you are willing to invest in a lost cause, but it's also in the vein of not enabling: a bit like the heroin addict who is told he must move out of the family home because he is not paying board -- to accept this, would be enabling him. Edit: another thing that occurs to me is you should be very, very circumspect in any dealings with her parents/family -- unless it becomes a matter for involuntary hospitalization or similar, then she should be the one to make any arrangements. I'm sure you can appreciate why, comes down to trust and respect and treating her as an adult capable of own choices, also not undermining this image in the eyes of her family.
Ray

 

[BarryS1]

Ray, I looked around for the holistic/vegan nutritionists she's into and they offer package deals for short-term consultations ranging from $800-1k/client. Despite the price, they cover everything you mentioned such as a starting weight and a nonjudgemental support group. I think it would be worth her time to go through several sessions over a four week period instead of us discussing it/monitoring over the next couple months.

If her parents don't want to pay for it, I'll see if I can do a couple plan at the nutritionist (if it exists). I don't see why her family wouldn't though. Her family is on the vegan bandwagon, so a session with one person is info to bring back home.

Edit: another thing that occurs to me is you should be very, very circumspect in any dealings with her parents/family -- unless it becomes a matter for involuntary hospitalization or similar, then she should be the one to make any arrangements. I'm sure you can appreciate why, comes down to trust and respect and treating her as an adult capable of own choices, also not undermining this image in the eyes of her family.

Totally see what you mean here. With the nutritionist, I'll let my gf bring it up and negotiate with the parents. Maybe she can promise the family to do the dishes for a month lol! I haven't gotten super close to her family yet like having dinner or hanging out for the whole day. I've met them and had smalltalk, but I don't have any way of contacting them.

I feel a lot better after getting these ideas. I wasn't able to see her the other day, but will bring this up to her tomorrow and will report back.

 

[BarryS1]

Just wanted to update the thread because it has been several months. Long story short, my girlfriend is not binge-dieting anymore and putting on weight. Funny thing is it probably had nothing to do with me, she just couldn’t stay off the food she loved.

After posting the question, I went away for 12 weeks on a business trip and came back last week. Being in a long distance relationship, I was not able to monitor the condition as much as I wanted. It is hard to compare her weight day-to-day through FaceTime or Skype, even if we are web-camming each other

-Week 1: While FaceTiming, I recommended using the MyFitnesspal app to give data for the nutritionist she planned to see.

-Week 2 (All hell breaks loose): While FaceTiming, she admitted to not using the app consistently and I struck down HARD. I told her that this was serious and I called the NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) for advice. From Chase’s drama article, I reached stage 2 (setting the record straight) and brought her to tears. It got so bad, that this opened up a lot more problems she’s been wanting to tell me (I’ll leave them out) so we never ended that discussion.

-Weeks 3-7: She avoided talking about the eating problem and wouldn’t coax out that much information except she was still using the app. I decided to fly her out for a week because she did not see a nutritionist.

-Week 8: She visits on the business trip, but packed on muscle in her legs after recovering from a bad knee when I left (she couldn’t lift legs). She swore not to loose more weight and wanted to gain weight/get toned. She admitted that her family was getting persistent with the issue as well despite her friends cheering. I told her about my preferences for more voluptuous women and gave examples of the pornstars I was obsessed with growing up.

-Weeks 9-11: While FaceTiming, she always brought up the good food we had on vacation and that she couldn’t stop binge eating. She started buying the same type of food we cooked on our trip.

-Week 12: I saw her the day arrive in the hometown and was pleased with the results. After vacationing with me and eating all the time, she kept on the same diet. She admitted that “there was a period in time when I wasn’t eating that many calories”.


Overview:
I do not know how to explain the results, the crash diet is over and she put on weight. I monitored her weight/diet with an app, criticized her for not taking action, explained my body type preference, and got information from NEDA for nutritionists/psychologists/resources. I think she couldn’t keep up with the discipline of starving herself with so many good options for food.