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Girl getting less available

justaguy

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Jul 12, 2018
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There’s a girl I got to know about a month ago on a hike to the nearby hills (public event). We spoke a lot that day but initially I only thought „cute girl, maybe we could have a casual hookup” and left it at that, didn’t really care. She then started chatting me up on Messenger to say hi, ask how my day was, what I’ll be doing in the evening, sending me pics etc. This slowly got me more interested. We met 2 times in 2 weeks but no kissing. Honestly, I didn’t think of it as dating at this point, but would have loved to have sex with her. Then she asked if I’d go visit the neighboring country with her over the weekend (we live in Europe). I had no clue what her intentions were (she travels there once a month anyway and maybe just didn’t want to go alone) but said „Sure” and we went. On that Saturday night we ended up in a club drunk and I kissed her. Things escalated and turned into us sleeping together in our Airbnb, having sex the next morning as well, then spending the Sunday walking around town while holding hands all day and kissing. It was a great weekend and kind of changed things in me about her. After this I thought I would like to date, and assumed we’d start doing just that.

The next day I told her via chat I felt really good with her on the weekend, her response was along the lines of „yes, it was quite eventful”. I asked if she wanted to come over to my place, have some wine, even sleep there with me and I’ll take her to work the next morning. She said she’s still tired from the weekend, but another time she’d love to. A day later I told her we should meet somewere, she initially said she wasn’t sure what her evening program would be, then later said sorry, she’s meeting a friend she hasn’t seen in a while. For a couple days, I would send her a kisses smiley daily and say „Goodnight” at the end of the day and she responded with the same thing. But we didn’t manage to meet.

After a few days she went on another trip for a week, this time with a girlfriend. Initially she did send a lot of photos from her trip, but later I felt like she started being less available. She came back mid last week. Since then, I asked her out 2-3 times and she finally did agree to meet last Sunday, but fell sick before we could meet. We do exchange messages every day, but less than what it was initially (just a few a day, there was never a ton of chatting) and now it’s always me who initiates. She does still occasionally ask questions, though. It’s been two times now that it took her up to a day to respond, despite reading my message within 1-2 hours. I told myself this could be due to her being off sick. Her responses are not short and she does use smileys.

I’ve been very confused in the past weeks and have no clue how I should approach this. It could be that post-sex holding hands and kissing (the entire day), especially when traveling to a different country is normal for some people and she doesn’t want anything but a friendship, or be friends with benefits? Or she takes things slow when it comes to dating and I scared her away by acting too needy? In hindsight, I may have been impatient, probably read too much into that weekend and acted needier than I should have. Or maybe she met someone else...?

I’m now wondering if I can still save this. I would like to date her and not just be friends. I thought about not messaging her for a couple days and then ’returning’ in a non-needy way, or not wait but tone it down a bit, become less available myself. I also thought about asking honestly and directly if she was interested in dating for real, but maybe that would turn her off even more? I’m really impatient to find out, though. I stopped online dating a couple weeks ago and if I knew she didn’t want anything serious, I would move on, but don’t want to chat up other girls until I figure this out.

I haven’t read this page for a while so it could be that I’m a bit „rusty” :)
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
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2,091
She's giving you the slow fade similar to what you might do to a girl you just wanted as a FB. Limiting contact and making you chase.

I'd cut back on communicating from your end. Each time she turns you down for a date reaffirms that she has the power. If she is still hot for you, she will reengage you. Might be a good time for a "trip with the boys" . Meet a couple new prospects and she won't seem as important...
 
a good date brings a smile to your lips... and hers

justaguy

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Thanks, that almost makes sense. Then again, why would she agree to meet just 3 days ago? The illness does not seem to be just an excuse. There is a chance she only thinks of me as a friend, but if that were the case, she probably feels I want more and probably wouldn't want to meet at this time.

I'm wondering what would happen if I waited a couple days then even if she does not initiate. tell her "Look, we haven't spoken about this earnestly but that weekend was great and I felt like it could work between the both of us. You're cool and I'd like to get to know you better in real life. I'm not sure why we chat less nowadays, maybe I came on too strong, I'm not usually like that and chat is just chat anyway. If you're open to this, let's discuss a time to meet. If you need some time, that's also fine, just let me know. If not open - no issues! The world is big, there are a lot of possibilities."

Can an honest and direct message like that 'spark' something in a girl at this point? At the very least make her realize if she can't decide she has to soon or she'll lose me (if she still feels some attraction)? I've been playing it cool, fun, flirty since that weekend not knowing what the heck is up and I'm tired of it. I feel like I should go direct instead of beating around the bush.
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
Messages
2,091
https://www.girlschase.com/content/when-throw-ball-her-court-and-when-not


What you’re going for here in how you balance your “ball’s in your court” deals is for a woman to feel like you put out a valiant effort to make something happen with her, but stopped before crossing the line where it would turn into chasing. And then you walked away – but with an invitation for her to follow up with you again when she feels so inclined.
 

mindful

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Mar 16, 2014
Messages
256
Yeah this happens to me with girls I’m seeing casually after a while.

If you try to hang out with her and she gives an excuse but doesn’t offer an alternative... that’s a red flag.

If she doesn’t respond for a while and acknowledges “she forgot to text you back until now” and doesn’t actually answer your text... that’s a red flag.

Basically any gut feeling you have that she’s pulling back just let it be and meet new girls.

I’m hyper sensitive to this stuff now so any little thing and I’ll just stop initiating with a girl.
 

Blonde

Space Monkey
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Feb 2, 2017
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20
justaguy said:
There’s a girl I got to know about a month ago on a hike to the nearby hills (public event). We spoke a lot that day but initially I only thought „cute girl, maybe we could have a casual hookup” and left it at that, didn’t really care. She then started chatting me up on Messenger to say hi, ask how my day was, what I’ll be doing in the evening, sending me pics etc. This slowly got me more interested. We met 2 times in 2 weeks but no kissing.
She was very interested in you but you didn't escalate. This communicated to her that maybe you're not as good as she thinks. She gave you a second chance later on but you should have played this better.

justaguy said:
Honestly, I didn’t think of it as dating at this point, but would have loved to have sex with her.
That's exactly why you should have sex with her as soon as you could.

justaguy said:
Things escalated and turned into us sleeping together in our Airbnb, having sex the next morning as well, then spending the Sunday walking around town while holding hands all day and kissing. It was a great weekend and kind of changed things in me about her. After this I thought I would like to date, and assumed we’d start doing just that.
It's a good thing you fucked her in the morning as well but I would say you committed to soon and she could sense it.

justaguy said:
The next day I told her via chat I felt really good with her on the weekend, her response was along the lines of „yes, it was quite eventful”. I asked if she wanted to come over to my place, have some wine, even sleep there with me and I’ll take her to work the next morning. She said she’s still tired from the weekend, but another time she’d love to. A day later I told her we should meet somewere, she initially said she wasn’t sure what her evening program would be, then later said sorry, she’s meeting a friend she hasn’t seen in a while. For a couple days, I would send her a kisses smiley daily and say „Goodnight” at the end of the day and she responded with the same thing. But we didn’t manage to meet.
These are all negative signs and the minute you started seeing them, you should have pulled back a little bit. Make her chase again. Based on her response she obviously felt she has the power now (even though you fucked her) and that's why she started to act differently. She was also giving you mixed signals (telling you she can't meet but would love to in the future) to get you more invested. It's great you're not afraid to talk about the details but texting with her every day and sending her kisses is another thing you should have not done. More texts = bigger chance for you to fuck it up. Being romantic through texts when she can't meet with you? Rewarding "the bad" behaviour. This is a bad precedent for the future.


justaguy said:
I’m now wondering if I can still save this. I would like to date her and not just be friends. I thought about not messaging her for a couple days and then ’returning’ in a non-needy way, or not wait but tone it down a bit, become less available myself. I also thought about asking honestly and directly if she was interested in dating for real, but maybe that would turn her off even more? I’m really impatient to find out, though. I stopped online dating a couple weeks ago and if I knew she didn’t want anything serious, I would move on, but don’t want to chat up other girls until I figure this out.
I would say there is still chance you can see her again, fuck her good and set the correct frame for the future (which is her getting invested in you more again). But it's key you start seeing more women and keep your options open. That's what you should do always anyway. There are things you clearly did wrong and it's nothing to be ashamed of - we've all been there. :) Rather, it's good to learn from it and move on. If you still have feelings for her, focus on you, meet more girls and text her again in couple weeks. You'll see how you feel and if there is still future for both of you. Also, focus on your emotions. Being impatient doesn't help with women and you are in control of your state. At the start, you weren't so interested in her but now you are? Think about what is this telling you. Good luck man!
 

justaguy

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These are all negative signs and the minute you started seeing them, you should have pulled back a little bit. Make her chase again. Based on her response she obviously felt she has the power now (even though you fucked her) and that's why she started to act differently. She was also giving you mixed signals (telling you she can't meet but would love to in the future) to get you more invested. It's great you're not afraid to talk about the details but texting with her every day and sending her kisses is another thing you should have not done. More texts = bigger chance for you to fuck it up. Being romantic through texts when she can't meet with you? Rewarding "the bad" behaviour. This is a bad precedent for the future.
Thanks for all the insight, especially the "rewarding bad behaviour" one, I didn't think of it like this before. Food for thought.

So yesterday I told her I have a student show coming up with my improv class next Friday and she said she'd like to check it out. This got me thinking "she still cares" and I said "how about (event name) this weekend as you couldn't meet last Sunday due to illness?" I thought, this one would be a longer meet where we can focus on the two of us and next Friday there's going to be a bunch of people and less time. No response since, in hindsight this may have been a mistake and I should have just waited until next week.

The question still lingers, though - if she now says "sorry, not sure about this weekend, I still don't feel that well", I would be inclined to tell her "We didn't really speak about this til now but that weekend with you felt great. I like you and would like to get to know you better. If you're still open, let me know. If not, that's fine as well. Good night" and then pull back and not make contact for a longer time. I somehow have this feeling that a little honesty/clarification of what I want from her and a bit of a compliment could be beneficial at this point. Not going overboard. Or would I just be rewarding her flaky behavior again? I'm not sure now :)

For some reason I've been really wanting to put this clarification out there. There's been an air of uncertainty about our conversation in the past weeks, what do we want from each other? Does she only want to be friends, friends with benefits or is she not even sure what the heck she wants. If I confirm what I want, that would break the ambiguity and could maybe have her think about what she wants as well? And then give her time to think about it.
 
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