Socializing Girl(s): “I was forced by him to do X”

[SunnyVibes]

Hello!

I have been in 2 situations where the girl says she has been forced to do X.

1) A girl and I are talking on on one. She says : “I divorced at 23. My ex forced me to marry him. He forced me to do a lot of things.”
My personal feeling:
I feel awkward-thenI do not feel like someone can be forced into a marriage-seeing the situation.
I do not contradict because:
a) It is not a thread I want to continue.
b) Different people interpret the same event in different ways.

What I do:
I put arm on upper shoulder, say I’m sorry that happened to you, and one more sentence.
I change the topic.

2) I am in a car with 2 girls. One girl says:”He forced me to have sex. I didn’t want to…he kept begging until I had sex with him.”
My Personal feeling:
I feel awkward -I am not personally invested, I am not sure if I should say anything. I keep quiet.

Overall feeling:
It feels taboo to contradict a girl when she uses the word forced and a little weird to agree completely.
I would like to stay neutral. Any thoughts on how I can do this?

SunnyVibes

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

In the grand scheme of things what you did was fine. She probably didn't pick up on your callous response. And the attempt to pull can move forward. The truth of the matter is that chicks will gladly sleep with a guy that's "emotionally closed off"/"Emotionally stunted. That's the norm for them.

Moreover, a sort of "shoulder to cry on" approach doesn't help you either. Can put you in the friendzone, asap.

The way I've approached this in the past got me the opposite result. Talk to a chick and get a mini breakthrough, now I'm in the "boyfriend/soul mate" zone - which makes getting the hook up very easy - but it comes with tons of strings and it's hard to get out of something like that.

But....

If you're picking up on that level of nuance, that means you have some emotional intelligence and some social intelligence.
A girl is not supposed to divulge information like that. A chick on meds, or mental illness in her family is a RED FLAG, for SHORT and LONG TERM.
The second level is understanding the context in which she said it, her tone, and her body language.

The emotionally intelligent thing to do is to then deal with her admission.

1) If she says it like it was a a big deal - that means one thing, could mean a few things actually.

She could be just stating it matter of factly, or she could be fishing for support.

Maybe you don't want to be the guy that gives her emotional support.

Maybe that helps your short term, maybe it hurts it. Depends on the girl. Depends on the moment. I've never found a full chameleon approach to be useful in the game - be it externally or internally.

2) If she says it like it wasn't big deal - that means something else - a worse thing imo.

It means she's fishing, or she hasn't really processed.

The right move, imo, is to address it.

And the right way to address it, is to ask if she's seeing a therapist/counselor, and then follow up to see if she's been prescribed any meds. (in which case, see above)

Kevin Samuels famously did this when a chick called up trying to berate him (per usual), but blurted out how damaging a break up was for her.

"Have you seen a therapist to help you get over this pain?" (something like that, it was the girl that looked like the Chick on Bob's Burgers)

This is particularly powerful in this day and age because in the casual context, women have weaponized psychology against men.

And this puts the onus on her to find a professional to help her, not you, a guy that's just trying to get in her pants.

To misuse a phrase, women want men to do "emotional" labor. And that's really what the typical friendzone thing looks like. She's using the guy to talk to, because talking is catharsis for her, not action. And after you've acted as the emotional tampon, she's free to fuck a guy that can't care for her.

WIA

 

[Chase]

Excellent post by @West_Indian_Archie.

@SunnyVibes, I would say the response depends a lot on the interaction you were having with the girl and what led her to divulging that.

e.g., if you were digging into her past and drawing her traumas out, then you dug it up and you probably ought to be reassuring her.

On the other hand, if you're just talking about something totally unrelated and she suddenly comes out with it from out of the blue... then either she's got issues, or you're just the first guy she's had a substantial talk with in forever and she needed to get it out. Either way, it's venting.

Overall feeling:
It feels taboo to contradict a girl when she uses the word forced and a little weird to agree completely.
I would like to stay neutral. Any thoughts on how I can do this?

Well, you have no idea the actual situation. You only know how she perceives it. The other guy's not there to defend himself. It makes no sense YOU trying to defend him (by arguing with her about the definition of 'forced').

What I do in these situations (I do not dredge this stuff up... so if a girl comes up with it, she is always unloading/venting unprovoked) is to kind of sigh and go, "Yeah... geez. That's tough. There's a lot of assholes in the world. [pause] Lots of people are accidental assholes too. I hope there's no girls out there telling a 'Chase was such a jerk when blah blah blah' story about me! But just no way to know for sure."

At that point the girl starts reassuring you with, "No, you are not like that, you are blah blah blah," and then you can do some future projection + edgy teasing... "Well, you'll have to meet one of my exes, see what she says. I think they all really like me but maybe they talk different behind my back!" Etc.

At that point you're now off the topic of her shitty romantic history and have framed yourself as having a much healthier one, but also maybe you're a bit of a jerk, just not a super jerk. So more "bad boy with a heart of gold", which tends to hit the right balance with these chicks with screwed up pasts, I find.

Chase

 

[DonGately]

WIA dropping the best hits as always.

 

[SunnyVibes]

Hey @West_Indian_Archie, a very informative post!

A girl is not supposed to divulge information like that. A chick on meds, or mental illness in her family

It’s nice to have confirmation that the faux pas is on the girl.

1) If she says it like it was a a big deal - that means one thing, could mean a few things actually.

2) If she says it like it wasn't big deal - that means something else - a worse thing imo.

Great explanation on the differences!-I could visualize this and I can see how this’d play out.

Also, asking her about therapy is a perfect fit for me. It suits my personality perfectly!
I care, but seeing the amount of time we’ve spent together I don’t want her to lean on me.

Maybe you don't want to be the guy that gives her emotional support.

Maybe that helps your short term, maybe it hurts it. Depends on the girl. Depends on the moment. I've never found a full chameleon approach to be useful in the game - be it externally or internally.

I really like this view of yours-I am trying to define values for myself in a way that aligns with my core beliefs but doesn’t obstruct seduction, so this resonates with me.

Overall, awesome post man. It was an affirming read. Thanks!

Warmly,
SunnyVibes

 

[SunnyVibes]

Hey @Chase, it was nice to hear your perspective.

e.g., if you were digging into her past and drawing her traumas out, then you dug it up and you probably ought to be reassuring her.

Maybe, but I don’t know:
1)How much to reassure her without getting pulled into a negative thread.

2) How to change the the negative thread after it has gained momentum and the girl wants to continue.

3) How to empathize without talking bad about the guy.

If I could do this, I might feel comfortable reassuring the girl.

I don’t know if you’ve had these concerns before, maybe you haven’t, but perhaps you could offer your thoughts?

There's a lot of assholes in the world. [pause] Lots of people are accidental assholes too.

I really enjoyed reading this line! I’m probably going to use it).

As for the rest, I’d have to check back in to see if it gels with me once I’ve had a few experiences and girlfriends. But I’m glad it works for you!- seems like a smooth and light way to change topics.

Thanks!

Warmly,
SunnyVibes