Girlfriend with blatant disrespect over text. Is it worth breaking up over?


Space Monkey
space monkey
Jan 12, 2018
I met my ltr in australia last september. We met in my hostel and fucked around for three weeks, pretty much spent everyday together, full on fwb. Was spinning plates before I met her, and she knew some of the girls I slept with in the hostel. At the end of the flight, she left for samoa for 2 months. We ended up talking for two months everyday (may have caught a little oneitis), but I was also back to spinning plates. Slept with two more girls in those two months. While she was in samoa, I asked her to join me in New Zealand.

Now about this other guy, this is a guy my girlfriend wanted to sleep with before she met me. This guy was the grandson of a my ltr’s father’s friend. My ltr was staying at this guy’s grandmothers house when she met him back in april 2018. They hungout together for 3 weeks along with 2 other girls and one other guy. In total it was my ltr, this guy and his girlfriend, and another guy and girl. During this time, this guy wanted to bang my ltr, but she did not let him as he had a girlfriend in the group and she was a bit more reserved. They never even kissed, but he definitely tried, and my ltr definitely liked him back. After those three weeks, my girlfriend moved on, au pairing in other places around Australia, and even slept with one more guy before she met me. Since July 2018, my ltr and this guy were planning to meet up in Singapore in January 2019, where this guy was planning on doing a semester abroad. They definitely were planning to meet up because my ltr wanted to give him one more chance to sleep with her. Now forward to September, she meets me. We’re fwb for three weeks, and then she leaves for samoa in October. Even when she leaves, she keeps in contact with me, for the two months she is there. Granted, shes in the middle of no where, and Im spinning plates back in Sydney. But we still talk everyday (minor oneitis at this time). It was during this time that I asked her to join me in new Zealand. She tells me she had been planning for months to go to Singapore (which she also told me while she was my fwb for those three weeks). Ltr tells me it’s a big decision for her and she has to think it through. Im basically telling her to change her entire life plan of going to Singapore then back to Australia, to joining me in New Zealand. I say fair enough, let me know. I ask her why shes so keen on going to Singapore, and she tells me honestly that if she does go, she’ll end up sleeping with that guy. I tell her, “you can do what you want but don’t expect me to be around if you decide to go. Let me know soon so I don’t waste any more time, and so that I can find another girl to take with me to New Zealand.” She thinks about it for a few days then says she is going to come with me to New Zealand straight away. (Apparently she had already made up her mind to come with me to nz the day after I asked her, verified through reading her messages with her mother, but she let me sit on it for a few days).

Fast forward to January 2019. She is in new Zealand with me now. I have access to her social media and phone, without her knowing. I see in total, my ltr and this guy in Singapore have had a total of three conversations since November 2018.

Convo one in December 2018: was her telling her that she wont make it to Singapore, and that she has met an American boy (me) that she is going to go to nz with. He tells my ltr that he might visit her in nz. Then some platonic conversation with light one sided flirting from him. The guy does not know im her boyfriend at this point.

Convo two in January 2019: Them two catching up, some light flirting from his side. This is where he invites her to bali to share a house with him for a week. She says: “I’m working a job at the moment that I really can’t take off from, and my boyfriend would not like that very much lol. Otherwise I would take your offer.” He says something along the lines of forget him, come travel with me. She says “One day _. One day :p”. They both say one more line to each other and then she leaves him on read. (This is what I found really disrespectful) I confronted my ltr about this and she said that she was hinting at that she had a boyfriend without completely telling him to fuck off, because he is still a friend of hers. He helped her when she was full on broke.

Convo three that happened two days ago: The guy: “hey how are you, where are you in nz?” My ltr: Hey im good. Still in Auckland. Are you coming to nz??” This is the point where im fuming and I make this post on reddit to see what I should do in that hypothetical scenario. After I made this post, two more texts were exchanged. The guy: “Well I have a few weeks off and was thinking about doing something spontaneous.” My ltr: “cool, Ill be in Auckland till the 19th." This is when I confront her and break up with her.

THE BREAKUP: Just want to say, I broke up with her literally 30 minutes before we were suppose to buy a car together. We had already planned this days ago, the dude was just going to come with his car and we were going to give him the cash, which we both paid evenly for.

I tell her to go shower and that ill meet her up there in two minutes. I go up and join her, and we start showering and then I tell her “I want you to enjoy this shower, because its our last. I’m breaking up with you.” She starts freaking out, shaking, asking why. I tell her, she should know. She keeps freaking out and I tell her to give me her phone. We go back to our room and I scroll down to the part where she says “my boyfriend would not like it very much.” She freaks out and insists she does not give a fuck about him. She holds me down saying “YOURE NOT LEAVING, THIS IS NOT WHERE IT ENDS.” Shes crying, shaking and freaking out this entire time. She tells me that she said that because she wanted to hint to him that she had a boyfriend in a nice way. She keeps insisting that she does not give a fuck about him. She even messages him infront of me saying: “I have a boyfriend, leave me alone.” Then she blocks him off everything. I keep telling her its over, and that im just angry because I wasted my time with her. Im quite collected throughout this. I call her disloyal. I ask her if she understands how blatantly disrespectful what she said was. She says she understands, and that shes new to this, and that her first boyfriend was a pushover and that shes not used to being challenged. She says she needs a guy who puts her in her place because shes used to having her way. Then she continues crying and begging for me not to go. She says she’ll do anything to prove her loyalty and for me to stay, even “send a nude to her own father” LOL. I keep insisting its over, and that were not going to buy that car together. Shes freaking out and saying she does not know what to do, she has always been loyal to me (which is true other than that disrespectful message). Well… after nearly an hour of me telling her im leaving and trying to put my clothes on and pack my shit, while shes freaking out, crying, and trying to pull me back, hold me down, and stopping me from packing my shit, I finally say “Alright, ill stay with you. From here on out, every chance you get, I want you to prove your loyalty to me. And know this, If ANYTHING even close to this ever happens again, I WILL ghost you, without any explanation. That way you cant beg and plead and hold me back from leaving. I WILL block you on everything and never speak to you again.”Now, from what I see, she has never disloyal to me. Shes never flirted with this guy, even though he flirted back. She obviously has me as a higher priority than him, and he may have been a curiosity at first during our first month in the relationship. But at this point I can tell she does not give a fuck about him at all. Hes always the one initiating conversations. He seems like an orbiter, but definitely not a bitch. Anyways, shes blocked him off everything. Ive seen her texts as well, she does not even talk to any other guys besides this guy who is in another country. And it seems she does not really give a fuck about him and is much more afraid to lose me. I also get that I am the man in her life, as she has been super submissive, sex everyday, cooks, cleans for me etc. So my decision was to continue keeping her around till September. Or if anything like this ever happens again, to definitely ghost her. What do you guys think?


Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Jan 7, 2015
First, let's talk about her.

From the way you write the story, she really didn't give a fuck about the other guy at any time. If she's like 99% of girls, she didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings and hoped he would "get it" that she's off the market. This is just how they reject guys. The full-on confrontation is not their style. In my eyes, she was "loyal" to you the whole time. Everything in your post indicates that this girl is completely into you.

Now, let's talk about you.

1) I don't understand what made you look through her phone. You don't ever have to do that. One thing is to get permission to look through it. But when you have lots of options beside her, who cares what she does with her phone?

2) I also don't understand why you thought she was being disloyal. What part of her text was disrespectful and made her come across as disloyal?

3) If you broke up with her, you should have gone through with it. Now that you are back together, there's a risk that it will be run through fear rather than good vibes and happy emotions. You're definitely the 1-up, but I would say that now you're leading with an emotional whip and not as a sexy Joe.

4) Also, think about the long run between you. You want her to prove her loyalty to you EVERY single time she gets the chance? Really? When the time comes you guys won't stay together any longer, don't leave her scorned. Leave her better than you found her. Make her feel loved, but also challenge her and make her work for you from a good place. Make her work for you because you're just that sexy and attractive guy.

So this last line might come off offensive, but my take on your post (without knowing your full story of course) is that you have some control issues, at least regarding your relationship to this girl. You check her phone, you make her block her orbiter friend, and you threaten to ghost her because apparently she was disrespectful. Unless I'm missing some part of the story, this is a far cry from being a reason to break up with a girl over.