Girls Getting Frustrated When You Don’t Talk About Yourself Much

[Grand Pooba]

Lately on my outings, I've been trying to implement the ideas from "She Doesn't Even Need to Know Your Name" (https://www.girlschase.com/content/she-d ... -your-name) as well as the ideas in the book about keeping the conversation focused strictly on her, while keeping yourself and your personal details a mystery. I've just really started this out, and I'm trying to get much better and focused at revealing maybe an ounce of detail about me while turning the conversation back on her.

Example (probably the most common, guy=me):
Girl: "Where are you from?"
Guy: "Oh, what do you mean?"
Girl: "Like do you live in this city?"
Guy: "Haha, maybe...;-)"
Girl: "What do you mean maybe?"
Guy: "I mean we've only just met and you're already so inquisitive about how far away I live from this place."
Girl: "Well, you didn't answer the question, you just deflected it."
Guy: "I'm actually not from around here"
Girl: "Where are you from then?"
Guy: "Why don't you try guessing?"
Girl: "Well, I don't like guessing"
Guy: "Haha, then that's a pretty tough life for you...are you from around here?"
Girl: "No, I'm not."
Guy: "So what brought you to this part of the woods?"
...later in the conversation...
Girl: "You still haven't told me where you're from!!"
Guy: "I already told you, I don't live here!"
Girl: "Yeah but you haven't told me where you DO live."
Guy: "You never guessed! But I'll tell you what, it's one of the big cities in this part of the country? Have you visited any of them around this area?"
Girl: "Yeah I've been to X and Y city"
Guy: "Well, what did you think of them? Did you have a favorite?"
Girl: "You totally didn't answer the question and now we're talking about me again"
etc, etc.

Another example:
Girl: "What do you do?"
Guy: "Haha, aren't YOU curious? ;-)"
Girl: "Well, I've already told you what I do and everything about me, and you're not telling me anything about YOU, and that's just not fair!"
Guy: "You know, I'd tell you, but it's really not that interesting, I'm a pretty boring normal guy"
Girl: "Tell me anyway!"
Guy: "What fun would life be if some things weren't a mystery? Don't you like to keep some things mysterious?"
Girl: "Yes..."
Guy: "Like what? What do you feel is a good mystery that you keep in your life?" etc. etc.

Another example (real conversation from a month ago, less a deflection and more conversation focusing back to her):
<Girl is talking about weight lifting at the gym and how she likes it>
Girl: Yeah, so…you can make your own goal what are you gonna do next time <clears throat> And then there’s so many exercises you can do, you can try do this and you can try to do that. And you can be going every day and it can be fun <<yeah>> once you start working out… So you work out?
Guy: I work out too, yeah.
Girl: What do you do?
Guy: Um, I do a lot of lifting.
Girl: Oh you do?
Guy: Yeah, I guess that’s what you do too right?
Girl: Yeah, that’s what I do.
Guy: That’s such a unique thing to do. You know, a lot of women don’t put their…effort into that, it’s just like I’m gonna run and stay skinny.
Girl: Yeah female doesn’t do that.
Guy: No, it’s a good thing! It’s awesome to see because it’s like the same goal that I have…like a lot of guys don’t put enough effort into running or staying fit or running marathons and that stuff…
etc, etc.
Later on this girl mentioned she feels like she's at a psychologist because she's been talking about herself the whole time while I haven't really told her anything about me, and I could feel a sense of disdain in her tone.

What I've noticed frequently is that some girls are actually getting really, really frustrated when I don't reveal a lot of details about myself and keep it a mystery. They protest that they've told everything about them and I haven't said anything about me (my response: "I KNOW, right?" as I'm laughing subtly and with a wink), or that it's not fair that they know nothing about me ("Who said life was fair?"), or that they bring up over and over again that they don't know X detail and I keep deflecting the answer ("I'm happy to tell you, but I don't want to disappoint you either, it's not all that great...")

What I'd like to know is:
1. Am I approaching this the wrong way and making it too challenging? Or maybe something else? What is going on here?
2. When is it appropriate to reveal" Should you reveal? or should you strictly focus on deflection and answering the question but not really...
3. Any other input?

 

[The Tool]

Hey Ozz. Seems you are deflecting a little too much. Your doing alot of take and no give. Your doing a good job at keeping her inquisitive and getting her to talk. But every so often give a chunk of info about yourself. You can talk about yourself a bit (just don't try to explode with Value) use a bit of self depreciation here and there(and when I say bit I mean bit, like maybe once in the convo), give her a bit just to keep her hooked.

Overall you know what your doing. Remember You've got to give a little

 

[DesiBro]

By refusing to answer questions, you are bringing the focus of discussion back to yourself. You want to keep the focus on her as much as possible.

also, the extent that you deflect her questions makes it seem like you have something to hide.

 

[Tyme2k]

I remember this happening to me before, same thing,i was keeping the mystery it got to the point girls would get prissy and Id blow the set. You have to remember with everything in the universe there is two polar opposites, two extremes if you will.. the key to success lies in finding the balance, the middle point, the sweet spot. Play with the extreme for fun but you're going to want to calibrate it better.

My suggestion to you would be to find somethings you can be extremely passionate about, something that is bigger than you and girls. Then talk about these things when u talk about you. If you can convey you're passionate this gets girls all wet. Rememeberr not to boast or brag though be very passionate yet very humble.. remember balance.

 

[Big Daddy]

I suffer from the exact same problem. Even if I had all kinds of good examples on how to act "mysteriously" in my head in each situation, I'd still blow the set. I figured what makes girls chase so hard the more experienced guys when they do this is not the fact the he's hiding something, but rather the fact that Mr. Mysterious is clearly very experienced with woman, got his shit together, has this manly edge and is hiding something (or not willing to give it right away).

I think this is one thing I'll have to keep doing, even if girls respond like, "This is not cool at all. Could you just give the name of the fucking city?", while everything else is getting better at the same time, so I'll be able to find that sweet spot by the time I got my fundamentals handled well enough.

 

[Marty]

Ozzo, hey:

I experienced this too, and I'm pretty sure I'm through it now. I think I learned three things:

• It's not a question of avoiding talking about yourself ever as a hard-and-fast rule. It's a question of getting into a habit of training the spotlight on the girl. Then whenever that's not happening (e.g. because she expressed interest in you—which is a good thing!), you're aware of it, you know you're temporarily "bending" the rule, and thus you feel a "tension" to get the spotlight back on her so that the rule returns to its natural "resting-state". But while you're actually in that higher-tension situation, you keep your cool, answer her question naturally, unforced and in a smooth way which reflects well on you.
  
• It's an effective way of screening women. If they grasp at you like a little terrier and won't let go until they get a straight answer on something that's clearly none of their business, they probably won't make a good romantic partner—that's my view, anyway. I have had women do that and basically the date was over barely after it had begun. By contrast, I had a date today with FitChick and she passed that screen with flying colors, proving herself (with the help of other impressive revelations, and willingness to move fast with me) to be top-flight GF material... I may write it up later in the FR or I may let it lie pending further developments, we'll see.
  
• You have to go through this. You have to make the error a few times before you can get it right. Comfort yourself with the fact that you're learning. Again, this is a conclusion based strictly on my own actual experience and data points.

It seems to me that if things are going well, the balance of conversation time gives you an idea of where you are heading. If it's 70% the girl talking, and 30% you, she's showing genuine interest in your beliefs and activities and may be considering you for a BF-type role. If it's 90% the girl and 10% you, you could be in with a chance as a lover, in which role she cares much less about your displayed value, but then again she might change her mind on a whim.

I had the latter balance yesterday with a girl from work whom I took on a lunch-date. She did ask me a lot of questions, but I deflected them very easily and the slightest bait was enough to get her talking about herself again. At the end of the date she knew nothing about me whatever, though she'd clearly had a good time and I had escalated with a fair amount of kino and sexual commentary. By contrast I knew her whole life-story and much of her philosophy to boot. Because of her relationship status anything serious is out of the question, but since she's beautiful I'd wanted to see how far I could take things with her for practice.

-Marty

 

[Grand Pooba]

Thanks for all your comments and replies.

Hey Ozz. Seems you are deflecting a little too much. Your doing alot of take and no give. Your doing a good job at keeping her inquisitive and getting her to talk. But every so often give a chunk of info about yourself. You can talk about yourself a bit (just don't try to explode with Value) use a bit of self depreciation here and there(and when I say bit I mean bit, like maybe once in the convo), give her a bit just to keep her hooked.

I remember this happening to me before, same thing,i was keeping the mystery it got to the point girls would get prissy and Id blow the set. You have to remember with everything in the universe there is two polar opposites, two extremes if you will.. the key to success lies in finding the balance, the middle point, the sweet spot. Play with the extreme for fun but you're going to want to calibrate it better.

I suffer from the exact same problem. Even if I had all kinds of good examples on how to act "mysteriously" in my head in each situation, I'd still blow the set. I figured what makes girls chase so hard the more experienced guys when they do this is not the fact the he's hiding something, but rather the fact that Mr. Mysterious is clearly very experienced with woman, got his shit together, has this manly edge and is hiding something (or not willing to give it right away).

You have to go through this. You have to make the error a few times before you can get it right. Comfort yourself with the fact that you're learning. Again, this is a conclusion based strictly on my own actual experience and data points.

These replies seem to convey the same thing: it seems there's a bit of a sensitive art to this, where you don't give up too much too fast but also give her the answer before it's too late and it seems like you're taking too much and not giving enough. It seems like I'll have to keep practicing playing around with this and learn the ideal balance.

It's not a question of avoiding talking about yourself ever as a hard-and-fast rule. It's a question of getting into a habit of training the spotlight on the girl. Then whenever that's not happening (e.g. because she expressed interest in you—which is a good thing!), you're aware of it, you know you're temporarily "bending" the rule, and thus you feel a "tension" to get the spotlight back on her so that the rule returns to its natural "resting-state". But while you're actually in that higher-tension situation, you keep your cool, answer her question naturally, unforced and in a smooth way which reflects well on you.

It's an effective way of screening women. If they grasp at you like a little terrier and won't let go until they get a straight answer on something that's clearly none of their business, they probably won't make a good romantic partner—that's my view, anyway. I have had women do that and basically the date was over barely after it had begun. By contrast, I had a date today with FitChick and she passed that screen with flying colors, proving herself (with the help of other impressive revelations, and willingness to move fast with me) to be top-flight GF material... I may write it up later in the FR or I may let it lie pending further developments, we'll see.

This was very helpful, thank you Marty! I'm curious to hear more about FitChick whenever you get a chance to post, I bet it's a good story ;-)