Girls That Fend Off Date Compression

NarrowJ

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Recently I’ve had this problem. It goes like this (to get the full effect here, I will explain all the way from approach through to trying to schedule a 2nd date) :

Meet/approach girl with extremely sexy vibe, strong eye contact. I basically exude sex when I talk to them. Get her to agree to a date, get number, get promise that she will reply when I text. Go on the first date, which 9 times out of 10 is drinks. I sit next to them at the bar and kino, breaking touch barrier after touch barrier. The last four or five girls I’ve went out with, I have made it a point to kiss them on the first date, whether I thought they wanted me to or not. None of them pushed me away like “ew you creep!”, they have kissed me back (or at least let me kiss them). A couple of them seemed pretty surprised, a couple others kissed me back very passionately, one of them I took home and we slept together. But I don’t think even one of them were expecting it.

Exception being the girl I took home, after this first date, they get “busy” to where they can’t hang out with me for like a week or more (which is an excuse, unless they are going on vacation or something). However, they then proceed to text me incessantly throughout the next week or so. What is their mindset here? I’m guessing that they find out after going on a date with me, that I’m going to move very fast, and they want to resist it. But, in a way that won’t come off as “prudish” like physically stopping the escalation. They can resist my escalation from the comfort of their own bed, couch, wherever they are at while texting me instead. It's much easier for them this way. They know if they hang out with me, that I’m going to burn it right to the ground and it’s much easier to slow me down from afar, by just trying to make me text them for a whole week or 10 days until we hang out again.

Any of you guys experience this? I recently commented on Chase’s blog article about Date Compression, and he told me to lightly scold the girl like “Hey, I’ve never been really good at chasing people around. And you’re trying to make me! But I don’t want to. So, why don’t you let me know when you’re free and we can get together then :)”. So I’ve tried that, and it does get them to take action EVENTUALLY. They say "ok, I will let you know! :)" or something similar, and then just keep on texting me and hasn't really seemed to get them to speed up the process of dating them. One of the girls I pretty much told her outright that, “Look, if you are THAT busy then obviously this is never going to work out” and she got all defensive on me and acted like I was an asshole.

Anyway, just some thoughts I had on how difficult date compression can be if you are trying to move fast, and they recognize it and want to put the brakes on.


NJ
 

Franco

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NJ,

Two questions I need to ask here:

1) What does your text to her look like when you're asking for the second date?

2) What IS your second date template?

- Franco
 

NarrowJ

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Franco, this only started happening recently. Since I started to really try to move faster, both during the dates and in between them (trying to do date compression).

As for texting and second date "template": They usually always text me within an hour after the first date, something like "I had a great time :) Thanks for meeting me!" or similar. I'll wait several minutes and text back, "Hey so did I! Let's do it again soon :)" or something similar to that. But, if I don't hear from them, by early the next afternoon I'll shoot them a text. I've found that they will usually hit me up for conversation via text. I've had a couple recently that didn't chase, but I usually don't have to initiate any texting. So, I will let them chat me up for a bit and then offer a second date. I always give them a choice. The text would look like this: "Well, I kind of feel like just chilling out. So my preference is a bottle of wine and dinner (movie?) at my place. But, if you'd rather, I know a cool billiards parlor/bowling alley/etc" and then try to get their schedule.

And this USED TO work pretty well, before I started to move fast and do things like explore touch barriers and kiss girls on first dates. I had a very high percentage of them choose the bottle of wine and movie. I'm guessing because I may have seemed like a "wait until the 5th date" type of guy, I really don't know. But what happens now is, they put off the date for 7-10 days like "I'm busy this week" but then they proceed to try and have daily text convos with me. Like I get a text from them every morning "Good morning :)" and then one later "Whats up?" and then maybe even another. Why not just go on the date with me? I don't understand this.

NJ
 

Franco

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NJ,

So, I will let them chat me up for a bit and then find out when they are free and offer a second date. I always give them a choice. After finding out what day works for them, the text would look like this: "Well, I kind of feel like just chilling out. So my preference is a bottle of wine and dinner (movie?) at my place. But, if you'd rather, I know a cool billiards parlor/bowling alley/etc"

So I'm sure there are lots of ways to go about this, and your method above probably works well under a lot of scenarios, but I generally like to invite a girl directly out to something. Here was the text message I sent to the last girl that I had a second date with:

"Cool cool, sounds like a productive weekend [in reference to her last text]. Do you have any free evenings coming up? I'd like to take you to dinner and maybe show you around a bit if you're down =)"

It's friendly; it's direct; and my intentions are very clear. I usually get the best responses when those three items are checked off.

And this USED TO work pretty well, before I started to move fast and do things like explore touch barriers and kiss girls on first dates. I had a very high percentage of them choose the bottle of wine and movie. I'm guessing because I may have seemed like a "wait until the 5th date" type of guy, I really don't know.

So everyone has their own style, but I should mention that kino is never a part of my gameplan on dates. The only touch I've used on dates is "leading" touch (i.e. hand on the small of her back as I lead her in/out of the bar/restaurant). If kino has been working well for you though, then feel free to keep incorporating it into your dates. However, at the end of the date, I've been working with the following ruleset to a good degree of success:

  • 1) Always invite a girl home on the first date. If she's been making physical contact with you and obviously seems horny, then be persistent. This applies if you are also just looking for a one-night stand as well -- there's no reason to not be persistent if you know a second date isn't in the cards! You'll have situations where there will be girls who you thought for sure would come home with you and won't, but you'll also find situations where you were unsure if she would comply and find out that she's willing to. The only way to find out is to ask; just make sure to be relaxed about it!

    2) If she turns down your offer and you are unsure of whether persistence will work here, walk her back to her car and initiate a makeout session if you can. My feeling here is that being turned down on an invite home leaves an awkward taste in both parties' mouths, even if you are relaxed about it. If she isn't coming home with you, you'll at least want to make her wonder what would have happened if she did... ;)

    3) END THE KISSING BEFORE SHE DOES. You need to leave her wanting more, so pulling away while she's jabbing her tongue down your throat will keep her guessing. Most guys fail here because they "try to get as much out of it as they can," so the girl pulls away after awhile, realizes she has him, goes home on her own, and leads him on a texting goose chase that never leads anywhere. You have to make sure to continue to be the one in charge.

As a final note, the only thing that sucks about not getting a lay on the first date is that you'll probably have to up your ante for the second date for her to be interested. If you noticed in my text example, I invited her to dinner for the second date. You don't necessarily have to do dinner, but it needs to be something romantic and/or fun. There are two things you need to convince her of:

  • 1) You aren't just looking to get laid. If the "cost" of the second date is the same price or lower than the first, then she's going to think you're just making an attempt at a cheap lay. This is a second date, so it needs to feel like you're putting in more effort.

    2) That it is going to be worth her time to go out with you again rather than go have a drink with one of the other five guys texting her. A second date where she knows she'll be getting more value will do that for her.

Remember, the point of date compression isn't necessarily to avoid wine and dining her. If you're on a second date, it's likely because you've been boyfriend-zoned, so the point of date compression is to just do the "necessary boyfriend" dates in quick succession so that she can check all of the "boyfriend requirement" boxes off the list quickly in her head so that she's willing to sleep with you.

Anyway, that was more than I was planning on originally saying, but hopefully that helps. =)

- Franco
 

NarrowJ

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Franco, thank you very much. It is helpful!

Dating can be really frustrating, and the reason why I don't buy dinner until I've slept with a girl is because I've had so many of them that I take them out and buy them dinner, and they say "thanks" and walk away and I never hear from them again. Granted, this happens less frequently since I've gotten better with women, and yes I do have money to go drop on a dinner and drinks, but it is the whole principle that is just is irritating to me.

I may cut out all the kino stuff, except for a few things. I do like to warmly touch a girl's upper arm, cup the elbow, or take her hand and hold it between both of mine while telling her something nice, lead her by small of the back, and I also like "protective" touch. I may keep some of this, but just tone it down. I also really get the point about pulling back from the kissing first. I don't know that it's that I'm trying to "get as much out of it as I can" necessarily, but I do see what you mean. I should probably just invite them back to my place and kiss them there instead of killing the intrigue while we are standing by our cars.

The vibe I get while trying to schedule the second date feels almost like "Hold it there, mister! We're not going to be moving THAT fast. I like you quite a bit, so you're just going to have to hold your horses and invest in me a little bit by texting me."

So maybe if I cut out a lot of the kino stuff (seem less pushy?) and remember to wait to kiss them (keep the intrigue), I'll do better.

Again, thanks for the help!
-NJ
 
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