Goals vs. Aims

[Chase]

One of the biggest struggles when you're new is what to focus on. There's obviously TONS of information you COULD devote time and attention to, but where SHOULD you place your focus?

The most common mentality newer guys adopt to keep it all manageable is the "one step at a time" mentality, which is a good basic way of making things saner. The newbie assignment is laid out in this fashion, and when everything's crazy and you don't know which way is up, this is pretty much the best way you can simplify it all and make a little clarity for yourself.

e.g., "First I'll get opening down. That'll help me with approach anxiety and getting good at meeting new women - two birds, one stone. Then I'll work on banter and repartee and reaching the hook point. I'll try and start getting phone numbers then. Then rapport and conversations. After that, I'll start moving girls."

It's certainly better than they, "Okay, I'm just going to go get laid," aim that most regular guys have before they start learning this stuff. Then you go out, don't get laid, and the outing's a complete waste. Disappointment. Instead, by targeting specific goals, you can make gradual but consistent progress.

There is a point where you start realizing you're missing layups, though. That's when you're working on opening or hooking still, and suddenly some pretty girl comes along who you can tell wants to go home with you, and you totally botch it.

So my general recommendation is, have two things when you go out:

• "My goals are to work on [skill], [skill], and [skill] tonight, and get [result], [result], and [result]"
• "My aim is to get any girl who really likes me a lot to [your ultimate aim]"

You might go out with the goals and aims of:

• Goals: work on opening and approaching (10 girls opened with direct openers today), work on repartee (pick something to tease 3 different girls on)
• Aim: for any girl who really likes me, suggest that we get some food later this week and get her cell number

That way, you have the thing you're working on (the skill building), but you don't forget to make something happening when you do things RIGHT and you get the chance to gather deeper experience on a fuller interaction (a girl who likes you and will go further with you than you had planned).

Yours,
Chase

 

[Yankees224]

I agree completely. When I had tried learning Body Language, for example, I ended up getting jumbled up and confused when I tried to do every single little thing one can possibly do for body language, which led to less than optimal body language. Once I sat down and said "Okay, I'm going to solely work on my chest out and my legs wide"(for example), I was executing it far better than before. Keeping the Aim in mind too is also helpful, so you have another mental reason for practicing what you are practicing.

 

[AFCnoob]

Well said. As Chase will know, I moved a girl to a second venue when I didn't have to, simply because I was trying to meet the goal of moving the girl, and forgot the ultimate aim of just getting her home! Which is not at all to say that I would have been successful, but I did take an extra step, because I'd lost track of my ultimate aim. Good advice, as usual.

 

[DigitalStef]

I do like having the aim in addition to the goals as it does bring it to another level of your ultimate focus. I have been working on 2-3 fundamentals a week generally focused currently on improving my imagine directly and indirectly. Directly by working on my style and indirectly by getting more fit. Thanks to the i have built a pretty decent walk and i have got into the habit of running and lifting weights again.

I guess the aim would also analyses to bonus goals that i would set for myself when i would go out. I have a lot of approach anxiety issues that i am still working on so i usually fail them. But I know if i start meeting goals my momentum will build.

Thanks for the tip!

 

[trashKENNUT]

BUMP!

 

[housecards]

Hi @Chase ,

I ran into something that’s somewhat relevant to what you outlined here in this thread.

I read your article on aims: 3 Very Different "Going Out to Meet Girls" Aims (which I think did a great job on sizing up guys’ subconscious motivation), as well as the piece on Pickup Practice. I can see there are direct parallels between these two sets of aims and modes, i.e.:

“Break comfort” aim - Pickup practice mode
“Have a good time” aim - Just hanging out mode
“Achieve a result with another person” aim - Make something happen mode

And I think your point on how newer guys should adopt the “Break comfort” aim and “Pickup practice” mode is really insightful.

What confused me was I had also read about your teacher Sebastian Drake’s the Attraction Handbook, in which he talks about the three focuses, i.e.:

Primary focus: Have fun/Socialize/Make others have fun/Charge the venue (50-65% of effort)
Secondary focus: Make connections and see if people meet your standards (25-30%)
Tertiary focus: VAC, logistics, and everything else (made up only 5-25% of effort)

which you also give some color in the 3 aims article:

These aims are different from focuses...... A focus is something you remind yourself to do while out.

So I tried to use adopt these focuses. However it seems that these focuses are in conflict with the “Break comfort” aim/ Pickup practice mode, and that they are more in line with “Have a good time” aim/Just hanging out mode. For instance, when I am out and remind myself to "have fun", or "make connections", I end up just trying to find ways to bring lights to conversations or asking simple questions, and totally forget what I was trying to practice, e.g. opening, testing compliance, etc. (I think there is also the problem that I mostly rely on groups/events to get me out in the first place, but oftentimes get stuck with whatever group conversation I'm in. Not so good at exiting and approaching other people outside the group)

Therefore I wonder if Sebastian was talking about these focuses merely from the perspective of gaming at a higher level, like you mentioned in the "Pickup practice" article, or does it sound like one of those Patchwork Seducer pitfalls that I bring myself into? Any insight is appreciated.

Also, just curious, how has Sebastian fared after exiting the dating business? Has he found success at another arena in business? Only if you could talk about it of course.

 

[Chase]

@housecards,

Yeah, theApproach focuses are great.

If you want to use them, I would just use them, and set aside the other aims/goals I talked about. Otherwise you are mixing and matching too many different places to focus and will trip yourself up.

"Have fun" and "be social" will get you breaking your comfort. "Comfort" for most guys going out is "sit around not having fun not talking to anyone." Push yourself to have fun and be social and you will break out of that naturally.

"Make connections" and "see if she meets your standards" is getting you into practicing picking up. So you do not need to be thinking about "I've got to also practice" -- you will already be putting that into practice just doing that.

You can then have tertiary focuses, like specific techniques you want to work on when you go out, but they're a minor concern -- the major focus is on have fun, be social, make connections, see if she meets your standards.

As for Sebby, he's good. He's moved on to other things. He's asked that he not be mentioned or referred to, so I out of respect for that wish I will go no more in-depth than that.

Chase

 

[housecards]

@Chase
Thanks for clarifying! Really appreciate the added color.

Love your recent piece on energy, just a few practiceable tips that are easy to implement. Also the depersonalization one, which along with some of the other articles you’ve written on mindset, really help me see a lot of the parallels on differences between amateurs and pros with regards to women/people skills.

Hard for me to believe this is a 10-year thread. But again, thanks a lot for devoting so much of your time to help improve men’s (and their women’s) life.