Socializing Group Charisma

[Kaida]

I’m in the process of trying to improve my charisma and social skills with guys and girls. I’ve been reading all the courses like charisma in a bottle and analyzing all my social outings.

One of my best friends here in school is a very charismatic guy. He pretty much can get anyone laughing and can get entire groups laughing with him by his almost childlike humor and vibe while still being leaderlike in the right moments.

He’s always moving, always energetic, very expressive and basically elevates the entire vibe around him by getting everyone (mostly girls) to laugh like children.

My (limited) charisma however has usually been done by being incredibly laid back and the “strong and silent” type. I’d use the “black hole” that @Chase mentions in CIAB.

I then got people giving me attention and then I give it back. Its not like I was even good at this per se, but when I wanted to get a little attention it worked.

In the past I incorporated some of my friends style when talking to girls and it definitely gave me better results, and it was fun to do. But it requires a mountainous amount of social momentum for me to pull off well so I can only pull it out sometimes (as of right now)

Currently, my friend and I are in this group practicing for our big modeling performance tomorrow. 13 girls and 3 guys.

Whenever we’re in practice my friend is always on the spotlight. Making jokes and getting everyone laughing and leading the groups tension up and down effortlessly with precise teaaing and diffusion. And he just seems like he doesnt even know what he’s doing he’s just self amusing.

Its obvious some of the girls want him. he’s also part of one of most popular and most exclusive fraternities which adds to it.

Me personally I keep feeling like my status gets pushed down the more he does this, since I’m kinda just sitting there half the time, the other half of the time I’m just trying to talk 1on1 with girls to no avail. The charisma black hold doesnt even work because he’s just too good.

I’m not comfortable in groups yet, and I dont think I can be as high energy as him (maybe about 75% of his… all that energy doesn’t rsally fit me) but I want to develop my group charisma to the point where I’m genuinely seen as the guy everybody wants to be around like he is.

What are y’alls tips for group charisma and how to develop it?

How do I counter a very skilled “loud” and energetic charismatic like my friend?

 

[OldGuy]

Do no need to be the most charismatic guy in the group or have the most energy. Concentrate on a single woman and show you find her the most attractive in the group. Avoid chasing her, but show she is the one you prefer.

 

[James D]

How do I counter a very skilled “loud” and energetic charismatic like my friend?

I've struggled with that for a long time.

I'm naturally a low key person.

I've found that what really matters is intensity.

The loud and energic guy eclipses you because he's more intense.

If you'll go the strong silent type, you must double down on the 'strong ' part.

More intensely present and telegraph stronger emotions via your intensity.

First part is to double down on your intensity.

The second part, which I pieced up more recently, is to ensure you don't follow his leadership in anyway, no matter how nice he is (and he will be, if he's a friend)

Last summer I gave a lecture on story writing to students getting their Master's. About 70% girls.

Naturally, the spotlight was on me. Plus I had the whole authority thing going.

I remember this one kid. Good looking, kinda edgy, polite as far as his interactions with me were concerned.

But he wouldn't follow my lead.

I'd crack a joke and the girls would laugh, fiddling their hair. The other dudes would instantly laugh cuz it was a good joke.

The cool kid would pause for a couple seconds, consider the joke and let out a light chuckle if he had deemed it worthy.

He'd go according to his own tempo.

That's the thing with loud, charismatic guys. Their charisma almost compells you to move to their beat.

They crack a joke and you feel compelled to laugh right away. They say something and your reaction time is faster because, even if you're not aware of it, you can't make him wait, cuz he's high status.

The strong, silent cool guy moves at his own beat.

Check out Harry Styles in One Direction interviews.

He's a very silent dude. So is Zayn Malick.

But Harry comes across as much stronger, more charismatic and more compelling than Zayn + even the loud guys in the group.

He's got the intensity of presence down tight.

He's insanely present at all times whereas Zayn seems distracted or even uncomfortable.

And Harry moves at his own beat. They are all his buddies but he doesn't buy into their leadership, even when it's good hearted jokes.

He takes his time and moves at his own pace.

 

[mirror]

I am usually the loud one. But I tried being the non loud one too quite some times with interesting results. The trick is to make them curious about you. You put something in at the moment that people dont expect it and in such a way it amuses them and makes them curious as hell about you. And then you pull out/back. You make it clear you dont hand out anything for free. It's attractive to guys and girls alike. They wonder how they can get you to respond to them with your more mysterious/interesting vibe..

Edit: read the other posters. This is simply a way how you can increase the intensity. There are more ways obviously

 

[Kaida]

Do no need to be the most charismatic guy in the group or have the most energy. Concentrate on a single woman and show you find her the most attractive in the group. Avoid chasing her, but show she is the one you prefer.

I understand that but this is social circle and I actually want to be, since it raises my status and creates social opportunities

 

[mirror]

I understand that but this is social circle and I actually want to be, since it raises my status and creates social opportunities

This may sound weird, but sometimes it's not social status you should chase but familiarity with the people for opportunities. I don't know what kind of social opportunities you chase, but sometimes being 'one of them' within a group can create more opportunities than being the big guy everybody looks up to or follows. I would quickly hand over my buddy some good notes if we are very buddy buddy

 

[Skills]

yes i agree with james you don't have to be always the "top guy" you can be the second on the group hiarchy or out of the hiarchy completely "sigma" type..... I personally rather sigma type myself... sigma is a meme now but the concept is legit (youtube it)

it is a lot of effort/energy some guys can do it naturally, like i can do it, if i want.... (loud, humor helps a lot. ball busting etc...) and by the way being the top guy no always translates into dick in pussy...

Related:

 

[Kaida]

I've struggled with that for a long time.

I'm naturally a low key person.

I've found that what really matters is intensity.

The loud and energic guy eclipses you because he's more intense.

If you'll go the strong silent type, you must double down on the 'strong ' part.

More intensely present and telegraph stronger emotions via your intensity.

First part is to double down on your intensity.

The second part, which I pieced up more recently, is to ensure you don't follow his leadership in anyway, no matter how nice he is (and he will be, if he's a friend)

Last summer I gave a lecture on story writing to students getting their Master's. About 70% girls.

Naturally, the spotlight was on me. Plus I had the whole authority thing going.

I remember this one kid. Good looking, kinda edgy, polite as far as his interactions with me were concerned.

But he wouldn't follow my lead.

I'd crack a joke and the girls would laugh, fiddling their hair. The other dudes would instantly laugh cuz it was a good joke.

The cool kid would pause for a couple seconds, consider the joke and let out a light chuckle if he had deemed it worthy.

He'd go according to his own tempo.

That's the thing with loud, charismatic guys. Their charisma almost compells you to move to their beat.

They crack a joke and you feel compelled to laugh right away. They say something and your reaction time is faster because, even if you're not aware of it, you can't make him wait, cuz he's high status.

The strong, silent cool guy moves at his own beat.

Check out Harry Styles in One Direction interviews.

He's a very silent dude. So is Zayn Malick.

But Harry comes across as much stronger, more charismatic and more compelling than Zayn + even the loud guys in the group.

He's got the intensity of presence down tight.

He's insanely present at all times whereas Zayn seems distracted or even uncomfortable.

And Harry moves at his own beat. They are all his buddies but he doesn't buy into their leadership, even when it's good hearted jokes.

He takes his time and moves at his own pace.

@James D

This was gold man. Not following the emotional lead of the people around me is definitely one of the missing pieces.

I think I arrived to this solution unconciously a few days ago and then started laughing less and stopped following the flow of the group or the charismatic leader.

But I felt this in turn just kind of isolated me and made me invisible rather than make me intriguing and more intense. Especially when my social momentum is low and I havent talked to many people that day.

It’s kind of hard to understand exactly what you mean by presence but maybe thats what I’m missing. And emotional intensity.

Do you know what the issue is?

 

[James D]

It’s kind of hard to understand exactly what you mean by presence but maybe thats what I’m missing. And emotional intensity.

Do you know what the issue is?

Yes, presence is one of those intangible things hard to describe.

I was trying to stay away from the classic "just be present" advice that tends to skip the how-to part.

I'll give it a shot based on my personal experience.

Presence and emotional intensity are interrelated.

The more present you are, the easier it is to telegraph stronger emotions. Lack of presence makes you hardly noticeable, which means people don't catch your emotions (silent, uncharismatic guy)

Energy flows where you're attention is.

Someone who is not present is someone who's attention is directed anywhere but in the present moment.

Usually, the attention is directed at the mind. The incessant mental chatter.

Or, in an attempt to withdraw from the present moment, your attention goes to some kind of limbo state, a strange empty spot, also in your mind.

Your mind is an attention junkie and tries to find ways to lure your attention towards it.

In so doing, it withdraws energy and stacks it up in the mind.

That's how I understand the expression "you're too much in your head."

You counter this drug addict (your mind) by constantly bringing your attention to the present moment.

It could be something as simple as being aware of your breathing (which happens in the present moment) or noticing things in the environment right there in the moment.

So, that's a 2 part solution.

First, you understand that, by default, your mind is going to try to lure your attention to it, hence withdrawing your energy.

This understanding allows you to monitor it.

Second, you take active steps to ground yourself in the present moment.

As you constantly bring your attention to the present moment and away from the mental chatter, you will radiate energy.

Your eyes are wide open, your body is still, you are alert.

Alterness makes you shaper, makes your eye contact more intense, makes you more atuned to the person you're talking to.

You can't be invisible when radiating such energy.

You'll never be as flashy as the loud guy, but you'll be radiating some intense energy.

That's how I've come to understand presence and emotional intensity.

That, coupled with not following the emotional lead of the loud charismatic guy, should give you enough ammunition to hold your own in such situations.

 

[Energy]

I’d use the “black hole” that @Chase mentions in CIAB.

What is that "black hole" concept ? I never heard about that