Casual/FWB Have Sex with Her Every Time She Comes Over

Chase

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Ground rule for casual relationships.

If she comes over even ONCE and you do not have sex, she's moved things decidedly in the direction of "serious," and you have no say. This is ESPECIALLY true if you tried for sex, and she gently refused.

  • "I have my period right now"
  • "Can we just hang out? I'm feeling kind of down"
  • "I'm a little sore from the gym. How about we just watch a movie?"

The answer to any of these you're looking for is, "And I've got just the thing to make you feel better." ;)

If you're spending time with a girl you're in a casual relationship with, and you are NOT having sex with her, things are hurtling fast toward the non-sexual realm. That means boyfriend, or friend-zone.

You must continue to be seen as the highly sexed man with a raging sexual appetite who conquers and inseminates if you want to maintain a casual relationship. Otherwise, interest starts to dry up, and she'll either begin making more demands (as she fears losing you less, and your sexual value to her recedes) to push you into a committed relationship, or she'll simply break things off and tell you it's better if the two of you are just friends.

Instead, stay sexual, and make it clear to her that the REASON the two of you spend time together is physical intimacy - not talking, chatting, bonding, or any of those other things that platonic friends or romantic partners do. Her other friends are for that; you are for this.

Chase
 

Whizzy

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I heard one of those excuses word for word two nights ago, thanks for the advice Chase!
 

girlsfollow

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Chase said:
Ground rule for casual relationships.

If she comes over even ONCE and you do not have sex, she's moved things decidedly in the direction of "serious," and you have no say. This is ESPECIALLY true if you tried for sex, and she gently refused.

  • "I have my period right now"
  • "Can we just hang out? I'm feeling kind of down"
  • "I'm a little sore from the gym. How about we just watch a movie?"

The answer to any of these you're looking for is, "And I've got just the thing to make you feel better." ;)

If you're spending time with a girl you're in a casual relationship with, and you are NOT having sex with her, things are hurtling fast toward the non-sexual realm. That means boyfriend, or friend-zone.

You must continue to be seen as the highly sexed man with a raging sexual appetite who conquers and inseminates if you want to maintain a casual relationship. Otherwise, interest starts to dry up, and she'll either begin making more demands (as she fears losing you less, and your sexual value to her recedes) to push you into a committed relationship, or she'll simply break things off and tell you it's better if the two of you are just friends.

Instead, stay sexual, and make it clear to her that the REASON the two of you spend time together is physical intimacy - not talking, chatting, bonding, or any of those other things that platonic friends or romantic partners do. Her other friends are for that; you are for this.

Chase
I can see this is totally right - most of the time I just totally ignore these conscious barriers to sex and just escalate as normal. However what would you suggest to do if she persists in her negative attitude? I have had this happen a few times - partly because she is genuinely too tired (and partially because she is just not a very highly sexed girl - very logical). Regarding the period - I have dealt with that by talking it through-leaving it and then moving onto the below.

I have tried just waiting a bit - usually disengaging and say just starting a movie - withdrawing intimacy - then the feeling creeps in of wanting to be held - I dont hold her - let her put her head on my shoulder and then escalate again- that can work. I think this is basically similar to the classical freeze out that mystery employed but used subtly

The main question I have is how to keep this initiating in the face of resistance non-needy - if you persist in your drive to initiate, how do you make sure she doesn't frame it in a way of you chasing and being desperate?

One solution is to always pull back when you can tell she is about to resist, but that isnt usually enough.
 

Franco

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GF,

However what would you suggest to do if she persists in her negative attitude? I have had this happen a few times - partly because she is genuinely too tired (and partially because she is just not a very highly sexed girl - very logical). Regarding the period - I have dealt with that by talking it through-leaving it and then moving onto the below.
To be honest, I just don't let her go to sleep until we have sex. Assuming that you have had sex every single time you've seen her (and as Chase mentions, this is critically important), then she knows exactly why she invited you over. You must be persistent -- possibly even more persistent than the LMR you experienced when you took her to bed the first time.

Keep in mind that she's already slept with you before and she's seeing you again, so "being too physical" is almost not possible at this point. There is a girl that I was seeing who used to do this to me every single time I came over. She would say things such as:

  • "I'm too tired."
    "Let's just watch the movie and go to sleep."
    "You're such a horndog!"

My usual responses to these statements?

  • "Well I'll just have to wake you up then..."
    "Sure."
    "Maybe I am...!"

And I continue to caress her body, kiss her neck, and give her sexy smiles after each statement. Eventually, you can try to get your hand in her pants and finger her... she might resist and move your hand away the first few times, but you need to be persistent. After a few times of her moving my hand, sometimes I'll even just let her grab my hand, but I don't let her move it this time (if I know I'm dominantly stronger than her). Once I got my fingers inside of her, she would always let go of my hand and let me continue -- and she would usually just pounce on top of me and initiate sex after a couple of minutes.

Now, if she tells you anything along the lines of "Please stop" in a very stern voice, then I suggest you back off. This is usually a sign that she really doesn't want sex to happen, which is obviously bad news for you. However, if you don't get anything along the lines of a stern "no," then I suggest you keep pushing for it.

The main question I have is how to keep this initiating in the face of resistance non-needy - if you persist in your drive to initiate, how do you make sure she doesn't frame it in a way of you chasing and being desperate?
If you've already slept with a girl and you're over at her place, pushing for sex does not come across as "needy" or "desperate." She wants it just as badly as you do. In fact, if you push for sex and get it, she'll see you as extremely strong and dominant. She'll think to herself, "man, I told myself I wasn't going to have sex with him tonight and I still ended up doing it! He must be so sexy for being able to make me do that..."

On the flip side, if you push for sex and don't get it, then you'll appear weaker and it will be just as hard (and if not harder) to get sex the next time. You must always get what you came over for if you want to be the guy she knows to invite over if she needs sex for the night (or if you need sex ;) ).

Cheers,

Franco
 

girlsfollow

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Just coming back to this didn't realise I didn't reply - this is gold dust this is bang on the mentality we need - it flys in the face of conventional advice - and mainstream would label it "rape and controlling" - but that's because these people don't understand what the real world is like - they are seeing it theoretically not the way things go moment to moment. Really great to hear what you have to say Franco!
 

The Byronic Man

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What if you just want to hang out with her...without having sex? Ideally, I'd like the option to have sex with her whenever, not every time I see her.
 

ZacAdam

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B Man,

The Byronic Man said:
What if you just want to hang out with her...without having sex? Ideally, I'd like the option to have sex with her whenever, not every time I see her.
Chase noted this is for casual relationships. See again. Otherwise, Don't hang out with her unless you're outside with her, and not at home,that is if you are friends in a social circle, or working colleagues.

Zac
 

The Byronic Man

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I've read the posts in this thread, and things don't make 100% sense to me. Could it be because FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS is not the same as CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS?

For casual relationships where you're only interested in sex with her, I can see why you need to keep things that way by always having sex with her. And just to make sure I understand this correctly, I can hang out with her as much as I want as long as I don't bring her back home (or go back to her place), right?

But for friends with benefits, you're by definition a friend...with the added sexual benefits. These guidelines seem like contradictory restrictions. I'd like the option of just chilling at home or at her place without any expectations or pressure of sex. Is it unrealistic to just be dominant enough where I can have sex with her whenever and wherever? Hell, it'd be cool if can have sex outside my place as well. Like at her place or in public areas.

Chase said:
Instead, stay sexual, and make it clear to her that the REASON the two of you spend time together is physical intimacy - not talking, chatting, bonding, or any of those other things that platonic friends or romantic partners do. Her other friends are for that; you are for this.
For friends with benefits, why must I only serve one purpose, i.e. sexual? This is like saying that sex ruins platonic relationships. But is that always the case? I don't see a good reason why it needs to be that way. If that really is the case, I'm willing to drop off sex to preserve a platonic relationship. It would seem then that only women where you have no interest to get to know closely are best suited for these types of sex-only relationships.
 

ZacAdam

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B Man,

i don't have the full on advice on this thing. But here's my take. :)

The Byronic Man said:
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS is not the same as CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Friends with Benefits and Casual Relationships are a fine line but they are not the same, to me at least, now that you have mention. Friend with Benefits tend to be with girls where she knows that you both are using each other for sex, and not see each other as long term. So seeing each other without sex at times tend to be okay.

Casual relationships is you both using each other for sex, without you telling her verbally and her mutually agree on the status of your relationship together. Rather you don't meet so often, as to manage her expectations.

Conclusion: The problem with Friends with Benefits is that unless a girl is really and highly sexual, emotions tend to creep in afterawhile. and Women are more prone to falling in love, especially when you good in bed, and take care of her emotions well. Not to mention you being lazier and depending on her later.

The Byronic Man said:
And just to make sure I understand this correctly, I can hang out with her as much as I want as long as I don't bring her back home (or go back to her place), right?
Nope, What i mean is that if you have a Friends with Benefits relationship with a girl at work or in school, it is impossible to avoid meeting each other in a group setting. But if you have a Friends with Benefits relationship, seeing a girl without sex lets you better off than a casual relationship.

The Byronic Man said:
For friends with benefits, why must I only serve one purpose, i.e. sexual? This is like saying that sex ruins platonic relationships. But is that always the case? I don't see a good reason why it needs to be that way. If that really is the case, I'm willing to drop off sex to preserve a platonic relationship. It would seem then that only women where you have no interest to get to know closely are best suited for these types of sex-only relationships.
As i noted, unless a girl is sexually liberal like a pornstar, or have numbers racking up above 50, emotions tend to creep in. Chase is right. Sex do ruin platonic relationships.

Chase always advices to never pursue sex with girls whom you are friends. If you have the urge, just make it one time and pretend nothing happen.

Zac
 

Franco

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TBM,

I've read the posts in this thread, and things don't make 100% sense to me. Could it be because FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS is not the same as CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS?
They are not the same but probably not for the reasons you are thinking. To me, there are two key differences between a "friend with benefits" and a "casual relationship."

  • 1) A casual relationship starts from the onset of meeting a girl before she has friend-zoned you. When you enter a casual relationship with a girl, it's sexual from the very beginning. These are the kinds of relationships you end up in from a cold approach or from meeting a new girl on the outer rim of your social circle. The problem with casual relationships is that they cannot become "friend with benefits" situations because she is not your friend; she is your lover. So if you try to see her without having sex with her, either one of two things will happen: she will begin to think you want to become her boyfriend if she likes you a lot (since you are seeing her outside of having sex) or she will lose interest in seeing you since you aren't providing her with what she is expecting out of you, which is sex.

    2) A "friend with benefits" relationship occurs after you have become friends with the girl, but she still desires you sexually. It can be difficult to actually seek out these types of arrangements because a girl will often be so excited by you sexually that she'll want to push for a relationship afterward or she'll have already completely friend-zoned you to the point where she isn't interested in you sexually or wouldn't risk sleeping with you (if she's boyfriend-zoned you). If you are capable of sleeping with a girl you have become friends with, you can often only do it safely one time (often after a bit of drinking) so that the girl has plausible deniability that it was just a "drunken hookup" between two friends. If you push beyond that, you risk putting her in a situation where people ask her what's happening between you two, and if it isn't heading toward a relationship, it could be very damaging to her reputation.

I think most guys don't understand what "friends with benefits" actually is, otherwise they would know that it's something that's rare to come across. Just because you are sleeping with a girl and you don't see her as a potential long-term mate doesn't mean she's a "friend with benefits" -- the reason being is that she might not see it that way. And if she doesn't see it that way, then you're in trouble and probably going to hurt her by not meeting her expectations of something happening between you two. In other words, while you may label it as a "friend with benefits," she might see it as the start of a long-term relationship, which would actually mean that you're in a casual relationship rather than a "friend with benefits" situation.

So to summarize, if you've entered a sexual relationship with a girl you've recently just met (whether that's cold approach or outer social circle), then you're likely in a casual relationship. If you sleep with a girl who you've gone out with multiple times for awhile in big groups of friends or just hung out with multiple times in an unromantic setting and then later slept with, then you had a "friend with benefits" sexual experience. Depending on the girl and how you handle the situation, you can make this last longer than one encounter. Keep in mind though that the longer it goes on, the more you risk one of you getting feelings for the other and getting hurt in the process.

- Franco
 

The Byronic Man

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Thanks a bunch, Zac and Franco! That really clears things up.

So I have a girl in a casual relationship and a another who is a friend with benefits then. The latter is married, and I've explicitly stated with her that we're FWB, so I hope our relationship lasts. I guess the biggest challenge then is to not let things get too romantic.
 

girlsfollow

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As chase has said before most of the time a girl will want to make you her boyfriend. It will often feel like settling to her to be put in the casual relationship bracket - almost like she's being "used" (even if she is actually massively enjoying the sex). I can't believe its just the type of girl that I happen to get with - but all of them seem to make it seem like a very low position to be in. If they ever mention it they talk about it as if its a type of disrespect. I have tried to keep girls in this bracket for extended periods of time and they are never happy with it.

Sure it has something to do with the type of girl but am I missing something here or do others get this too?
 

Franco

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gf,

If they ever mention it they talk about it as if its a type of disrespect. I have tried to keep girls in this bracket for extended periods of time and they are never happy with it.
Well, it depends how long you're trying to keep them in this bracket. If you try to keep them in it longer than they're willing to be, then yes, it actually is a form of disrespect to either not give them what they want (a long-term relationship) or let them go.

Chase mentions that casual relationships always have a shelf-life of about three months. This can be 'give or take' a month or two depending on the girl's personality and how well you've handled the relationship to keep her satisfied. However, at some point, the girl will always push for something more. Remember, relationships always need to be moving forward with women or they won't last. Either the woman will need to push for a committed relationship so that she stops getting social pressure from her friends and/or family or she will need to break it off and look for someone who will give her what she needs.

So if you're consistently seeing women complain around the three month mark, then it means you're actually running the casual relationship to its full course. You can't have casual relationships where you're seeing the girl consistently and expect them to last forever.

The only casual relationships that Chase has mentioned to me that can have a lengthy shelf life more than three months are the ones that are long distance, and this is simply because both parties may may understand that a long-term relationship would not be beneficial to fulfilling each other's needs -- but be warned that if a girl that lives long distance likes you enough, she may push for one of you to move closer to the other.

- Franco
 
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