- Joined
- Oct 11, 2015
- Messages
- 144
A story of a massive fuckup, a huge lesson for a small thing learned in the most painful of ways.
Putting in in "relationships" category because feels most accurate somehow, please change it if different opinion arises.
HBLisboa. Met her in middle of January, a gorgeous hot blonde from Lisbon. Biologist, super smart, very caring. Semi-professional dancer and surfer. Absolute 10 for me, a "strike" as Chase puts it. Seduced her of sorts as we met in a social circle group, then met up with her later one-on-one for cinnamon buns. We had both been to Sweden at the same time. Texting highlights here was me sending a picture of “what element are you” and her responding with Earth. This was her reasoning:
In cinnamon bun date, was wonderful, and lead her straight home and we have sex. I had ED but was solved. She is very sexual and sensual, and feels extremely much.
She overall had a 5 year relationship with a pretty toxic dude, a professional paddel player, where the last two years they were long distance since he moved to Madrid. And she flew to visit him every single weekend, spent all the little money she received from working and birthdays to pay for the flights that were super early and super late. And he would have her come and then question things, “Ah I don’t know if I want to be with you, but am comfortable,” and for Christmas she spent 100 Euros of her last 150 Euros for the entire month on his gift and he said “Why didn’t you get me something more expensive”
She would write him love letters, everything, he wouldn't even open them.
And when there she would go watch and analyze his games for and with him.
Then they broke up, she went to Sweden, he chased her hard, she was done with it. And in Sweden slept with 3-4 more guys, some one night stands, some multiple times. Rediscovering her sexuality and realizing it can be really enjoyable, because before just felt like a body to be used. So more for herself.
Then she went back to Portugal, and had some really big health and/or mental issue, because I still don’t know what it was (she said she’d tell me but not then because she’d cry) but all I know is that she lost a looot of weight, and once she got the super prestigious amazing 1-year job offer in my country she declined it. But then last second still called to say she’d do it.
And then lots of dealing with whatever it was, mental stuff that I think came from physical problem because she had surgeries. Oh, and also had a certain sudden problem with her eyes in Stockholm so she couldn’t do any sports anymore really and in fact is still a big issue. But was huuuge, she had/has big insecurities about her eyes because of it (despite them being the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen), and in general more things on her mind than she lets on. There was something else big (I think health) and when sussing out what it could be I ask if it was a boy or something, and she laughs sarcastically and says, “A boy?! I would never be this down for a boy!”
The type where she’s strong for others because others rely on her but she is not so strong for herself.
So I met her in January, then we spent a week apart because I had visit from HBPoland and her friend was also visiting, then saw each other few times before I went to Turkey for 10 days for HBTurkishDancer; Then came back and we had a week before I went for Brazil for 2 weeks. Then came back, we had like 3 weeks, then I went to NY for 1 month.
What there is to mention is that I finally managed to fuck her raw right before Brazil, which she is hyper scared about actually, she worked with HIV patients and has seen what it does to lives. So I even do an STD test before Brazil to make sure I’m clean, and I was, and then she indeed brings it up and I reveal I did the test, because if I promise something I mean it (me saying I’m clean). She says it’s the kindest thing anyone has done for her. Also have to mention, she is a hypochondriac.
We text during the time I’m away, she’s also type that loooves to travel and is visiting lots of cities in my countries. And has her close friends from since kids, and high school, and college. Doesn’t easily trust new people, and in fact tells me once that she feels like she used to be emotionally open and her body was hard to get, and now is opposite.
So during NY I also get stressed about her because she is texting me less kiss emojis and in general, and it makes me anxious also because of other stress I have for future. Feels like she’s holding herself back. Although towards end I add things like, looking forwards to see you soon, and she mirrors it also more enthusiastically and begins her kiss emojis again in way higher frequency.
So when I get back, I see her same day despite massive jetlag and having not slept whatsoever. We meet, walk to place and sit down, and talk. And am holding her hand and kino-ing her, and after about an hour something in her changes and she goes from holding back to actually being active in touching me back!!
We go to her place, and we have the most incredible sex. Before we do, she asks me again that I didn’t have sex without a condom, and I reassure multiple times. Then go multiple rounds, do new positions, it is sooo intimate and beautiful and hot. I sleep over, in the morning fuck some more, is more intimate, she tries on clothes for the day later and looks so gorgeous we fuck again on the spot and she won’t let me go. Even blurts out “I love you” during sex and then quickly corrects to “I love how you feel” but I think she meant it.
Between rounds she’s lying face down on the bed, and I have my phone in my hand, so I decide to snap a few pictures of her beautiful body.
This was the fatal mistake. NEVER DO THIS AND JUST ASK HER.
She doesn’t notice, but later, through a series of crazy coincidences that ended up her seeing my gallery and noticing her pictures, lead to her seeing her pictures…
So what happened was we were then eating lunch, and I asked her about the one particularity she has that rather bothered me, which was that she only was sending me one-time view pictures. Of anything! Not even just her, even if just a random view or food. And I asked her about this.
She said that she feels really uncomfortable about having her pictures on someone else’s gallery; like her ex boyfriend when they were long distance would really want nudes and gaslight her into saying it was important for the relationship and everything, but she would still not do it! And because a friend of hers had nudes on her phone and then had her phone repaired; and the Indian guys repairing it managed to extract the nudes and then they were uploaded to the internet.
And she in general does not like how she looks in pictures and is insecure about how she looks in them, which is BS because she’s absolutely gorgeous and stunning, but alas. Insecurities there.
And then after this she finds out I took nudes of her…
She asks me, did you take pictures of me? And I immediately know is fucked, and act casual. “Oh, yes, here. Took them but I can delete them, do you want me to delete them?” She says yes and I delete them in front of her.
She stands up and goes about doing things, but I can tell now something is off. A few idle sentences are exchanged before I grab her and bring it up again and say I apologize, I realize is big deal for her, shouldn’t have done it.
She turns to me. Tells me that is absolutely unacceptable, that she is fully vulnerable with her body with me, and now “I can never trust you with my body again.” That is criminal even.
“I understand,” is a phrase I say a few times, slowly, seeing how she’s cutting me off and closing off in front of my eyes. See how I can pace a lead to that it’s not a big deal to me or people I know, which it isn’t right, but she does not consider this worldview at all. “You cannot do this to ANYONE you like,” she says. “It is criminal. It’s actually a crime”. I say how it is not about the body at all but about capturing the memory, the moment for me, because is so beautiful to me. “If you want to see me you can just see me,” she says.
She asks me to leave. I agree that I should go, and slowly gather my stuff from her room. She also asks if I really did not have sex without a condom (her questioning everything I said now, and you can tell how important this is to her), which I say I would not lie about. She stays in the kitchen, and I don’t even see her when I whisper a “bye” towards her direction and close the door.
From one second to the next. A beautiful thing… destroyed.
Because it was exactly on this night that a “breakthrough” moment happened, I could really tell that we were going to end up together, she was opening up, showed me her vibrator, we had future plans in place a bit for things to do, it was the exact blooming moment of a new relationship.
And exactly, precisely in the moment it bloomed, it was nipped in the bud. Cut off on the spot, violently.
The situation is also that I am in a new city since 10 months and 2 months left, and I was going to see if I could stay, largely also for her…
I feel horrible.
I text her soon after:
Ironic that capturing a picture for a memory literally turned her into a memory forever…
So now, am feeling extremely down about this…
Reached out to all my close friends and people I trust, @Skippy and @Kvothe saw me cry; @Bismarck , @Dreamer and @Skills all said my taking pictures without asking was retarded and a stupid mistake to make, which I fully agree with!! (And of course they are amazing friends that helped me cope emotionally with it).
Skills said that now should go radio silent, standard procedure if she is the one doing breakup. Which I will now do. But it sucks because we never really actually were together, so I don’t think this will work with a girl feeling so violated and overtriggered, and able to cut things. Especially, and this is the main point, because we never actually were together officially.
She was someone very slow to trust people, and once trust is broken, is over… so is it even worth it to rebuild? Most likely not.
So then I was wondering how it would work on instagram since we have each other, but this happened on Thursday lunchtime, and then I find out Saturday that she actually had removed me from following her on instagram (so I can’t see her pictures at all anymore, since she has private account - is she doing this in a “Now I won’t let him see a single picture of mine anymore” headspace?) and unfollowed me as well. But didn’t block me on whatsapp or so, which would have been the worst.
So now I can’t even ping her indirectly with cool stories here and there.
Overall feel very hurt, just this freak event that happened (the leadup to her seeing the pictures was so full of coincidences. First, I had leaned against the oven, which then with my butt I activated the SAFE mode. And it was already a coincidence I could stay and not have meetings, and the meeting I did have was cancelled. And I was going to leave before lunch but then stayed as well. And then she wanted to make herself a pizza for lunch, needing the oven. Which wasn’t working. Then I pull open ChatGPT to take a picture of the oven and how to fix it. And then she doesn’t see it. And we fix it. And then I am still on the app and accidentally click on “upload image” again, and in the pop up she only now sees the photos… and it was weird, because I had taken a rapid-fire amount, which I don’t know why. So now it was even more obvious there were pictures. So she saw it…)
So just feeling sense of loss, of pain, and knowing I’ll get over it, but just damning that it had to happen this way. And I still don’t know if a dodged a big bullet perhaps because her communication style is more closed off, not sharing so easily, while a big love language of mine is words of affirmation actually. Which made me frustrated texting her in NY. And if she flares up like this for one thing, most likely she would have flared up in the future for something else! And I would be miserable.
I also did fall under her frame I think, she is very perceptive, and knows exactly what she wants. Already knows where her honeymoon will be and what expectations she has of her husband on how he treats her. So I’m just filling a box here somehow. And I was kind of falling under her frame to be honest. Crazy because I never really expected myself to. But I have no strong ideas or goals here, while she does, so it does get imposed on me. How crazy to see it happen in real life so to speak.
Also there is a side fact that I'm still seeing HBTurkishDancer and I'd have to break up with her most likely to be with HBLisboa. But HBTurkishDancer is long distance. And HBTurkishDancer is an incredible personality fit, vision board body for me, just face is cute but not stunning. But I'm apparently pretty sloppy for some things at times, like hiding pictures, so there is a non-zero chance that HBLisboa would have found out somehow about HBTurkishDancer due to seeing some texts or me hiding me phone of sorts. Can't be hidden forever, now can it. So I'd probably have to end it. Just a side note of how I was feeling about it too.
I’ve been reaching out to many people, including normies, to talk about this, and it really has been helping dealing with the emotional pain. My gay friend had some really good advice on this, and I was in fact considering texting her on Sunday a ping of “hello, how are you doing” (phrased better) and by her response see if I can have an opening at tiding things over. Which, my emotional self is willing to do. And if she doesn’t, then, well, that’s it as well.
But then Skills responded and said radio silence was best, and in these things trust him more than anyone, so this is what I’ll do. Except that since we were never actually together and how her personality is, I think this may mean her not contacting me forever… which hurts. Maybe for best, cannot tell now.
And the instagram thing really seems like she’s not in “give him chance to fight for this” at all.
So I’d like to know what you guys think about this case, like @Chase what I should do, and what to learn here. What am I seeing and what am I not seeing.
Because this place here is like home and in the end one of the true places to come back to for actual advice and help, and is so appreciated. And this is of course me speaking from my emotional self as well right now.
One thing that has been helping has been telling myself how she can never replace me or find someone as good as me, because who else can fuck her like I can, have as good as a body as me (I’m fit, not jacked but very fit), and stimulate her mind in the ways I can? Be as non-judgmental, positive, and happy about life? Bring the beauty and excitement in small and big ways and moments? Be present in the moment and really feel her, understand her, and stimulate and direct her slowly in the ways she wants to be able to go? Give her strength like I can through this? I’ve fucking worked so hard on myself and ability to connect with people, understand them and let them feel understood, and now steering to doing what they truly want, add positivity and beauty to their life, and be extremely self aware of myself, my actions, her actions, and her?
She described my personality by my birth month once through a reel:
She will never meet someone like me. I just wonder if it will be buried in auto-rejection, with the occasional secret longing, but not allowing herself to follow through, out of principle…
This is totally an ego-stroking mechanism right now to think this and I believe it, and I wrote it out because it makes me feel better and I am in need of feeling better. I don’t get angry about almost anything in life, so when something happens, I just feel sad and anxious. But I know I’ll be okay.
And this sets me way more free than I was before, so many adventures to go on, skills to refine, stories to make... I am not even close to my full potential. And I've already come so far.
It is also interesting to note I apparently am not so resistant to making deeper connections with girls; Just that I should be more deliberate about how and in what way... let this be a good lesson then. In some way.
What are your thoughts? What am I missing in your eyes, what did I do well, what would you think I should do for future or learn from this in best way? Anyone reading this now with a willingness to share a piece of your mind, please let me know
Thanks for your thoughts!
And may our journeys take us to the brightest of places and most beautiful and loveliest of women.
Putting in in "relationships" category because feels most accurate somehow, please change it if different opinion arises.
HBLisboa. Met her in middle of January, a gorgeous hot blonde from Lisbon. Biologist, super smart, very caring. Semi-professional dancer and surfer. Absolute 10 for me, a "strike" as Chase puts it. Seduced her of sorts as we met in a social circle group, then met up with her later one-on-one for cinnamon buns. We had both been to Sweden at the same time. Texting highlights here was me sending a picture of “what element are you” and her responding with Earth. This was her reasoning:
Earth energy is stable, is responsible for balance and for keeping everything connected and in place. If it shakes for some reason, everything may fall apart. Also, the earth is capable of producing incredible things when well treated, but also has the capacity to adapt when the environment is hostile
In cinnamon bun date, was wonderful, and lead her straight home and we have sex. I had ED but was solved. She is very sexual and sensual, and feels extremely much.
She overall had a 5 year relationship with a pretty toxic dude, a professional paddel player, where the last two years they were long distance since he moved to Madrid. And she flew to visit him every single weekend, spent all the little money she received from working and birthdays to pay for the flights that were super early and super late. And he would have her come and then question things, “Ah I don’t know if I want to be with you, but am comfortable,” and for Christmas she spent 100 Euros of her last 150 Euros for the entire month on his gift and he said “Why didn’t you get me something more expensive”
She would write him love letters, everything, he wouldn't even open them.
And when there she would go watch and analyze his games for and with him.
Then they broke up, she went to Sweden, he chased her hard, she was done with it. And in Sweden slept with 3-4 more guys, some one night stands, some multiple times. Rediscovering her sexuality and realizing it can be really enjoyable, because before just felt like a body to be used. So more for herself.
Then she went back to Portugal, and had some really big health and/or mental issue, because I still don’t know what it was (she said she’d tell me but not then because she’d cry) but all I know is that she lost a looot of weight, and once she got the super prestigious amazing 1-year job offer in my country she declined it. But then last second still called to say she’d do it.
And then lots of dealing with whatever it was, mental stuff that I think came from physical problem because she had surgeries. Oh, and also had a certain sudden problem with her eyes in Stockholm so she couldn’t do any sports anymore really and in fact is still a big issue. But was huuuge, she had/has big insecurities about her eyes because of it (despite them being the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen), and in general more things on her mind than she lets on. There was something else big (I think health) and when sussing out what it could be I ask if it was a boy or something, and she laughs sarcastically and says, “A boy?! I would never be this down for a boy!”
The type where she’s strong for others because others rely on her but she is not so strong for herself.
So I met her in January, then we spent a week apart because I had visit from HBPoland and her friend was also visiting, then saw each other few times before I went to Turkey for 10 days for HBTurkishDancer; Then came back and we had a week before I went for Brazil for 2 weeks. Then came back, we had like 3 weeks, then I went to NY for 1 month.
What there is to mention is that I finally managed to fuck her raw right before Brazil, which she is hyper scared about actually, she worked with HIV patients and has seen what it does to lives. So I even do an STD test before Brazil to make sure I’m clean, and I was, and then she indeed brings it up and I reveal I did the test, because if I promise something I mean it (me saying I’m clean). She says it’s the kindest thing anyone has done for her. Also have to mention, she is a hypochondriac.
We text during the time I’m away, she’s also type that loooves to travel and is visiting lots of cities in my countries. And has her close friends from since kids, and high school, and college. Doesn’t easily trust new people, and in fact tells me once that she feels like she used to be emotionally open and her body was hard to get, and now is opposite.
So during NY I also get stressed about her because she is texting me less kiss emojis and in general, and it makes me anxious also because of other stress I have for future. Feels like she’s holding herself back. Although towards end I add things like, looking forwards to see you soon, and she mirrors it also more enthusiastically and begins her kiss emojis again in way higher frequency.
So when I get back, I see her same day despite massive jetlag and having not slept whatsoever. We meet, walk to place and sit down, and talk. And am holding her hand and kino-ing her, and after about an hour something in her changes and she goes from holding back to actually being active in touching me back!!
We go to her place, and we have the most incredible sex. Before we do, she asks me again that I didn’t have sex without a condom, and I reassure multiple times. Then go multiple rounds, do new positions, it is sooo intimate and beautiful and hot. I sleep over, in the morning fuck some more, is more intimate, she tries on clothes for the day later and looks so gorgeous we fuck again on the spot and she won’t let me go. Even blurts out “I love you” during sex and then quickly corrects to “I love how you feel” but I think she meant it.
Between rounds she’s lying face down on the bed, and I have my phone in my hand, so I decide to snap a few pictures of her beautiful body.
This was the fatal mistake. NEVER DO THIS AND JUST ASK HER.
She doesn’t notice, but later, through a series of crazy coincidences that ended up her seeing my gallery and noticing her pictures, lead to her seeing her pictures…
So what happened was we were then eating lunch, and I asked her about the one particularity she has that rather bothered me, which was that she only was sending me one-time view pictures. Of anything! Not even just her, even if just a random view or food. And I asked her about this.
She said that she feels really uncomfortable about having her pictures on someone else’s gallery; like her ex boyfriend when they were long distance would really want nudes and gaslight her into saying it was important for the relationship and everything, but she would still not do it! And because a friend of hers had nudes on her phone and then had her phone repaired; and the Indian guys repairing it managed to extract the nudes and then they were uploaded to the internet.
And she in general does not like how she looks in pictures and is insecure about how she looks in them, which is BS because she’s absolutely gorgeous and stunning, but alas. Insecurities there.
And then after this she finds out I took nudes of her…
She asks me, did you take pictures of me? And I immediately know is fucked, and act casual. “Oh, yes, here. Took them but I can delete them, do you want me to delete them?” She says yes and I delete them in front of her.
She stands up and goes about doing things, but I can tell now something is off. A few idle sentences are exchanged before I grab her and bring it up again and say I apologize, I realize is big deal for her, shouldn’t have done it.
She turns to me. Tells me that is absolutely unacceptable, that she is fully vulnerable with her body with me, and now “I can never trust you with my body again.” That is criminal even.
“I understand,” is a phrase I say a few times, slowly, seeing how she’s cutting me off and closing off in front of my eyes. See how I can pace a lead to that it’s not a big deal to me or people I know, which it isn’t right, but she does not consider this worldview at all. “You cannot do this to ANYONE you like,” she says. “It is criminal. It’s actually a crime”. I say how it is not about the body at all but about capturing the memory, the moment for me, because is so beautiful to me. “If you want to see me you can just see me,” she says.
She asks me to leave. I agree that I should go, and slowly gather my stuff from her room. She also asks if I really did not have sex without a condom (her questioning everything I said now, and you can tell how important this is to her), which I say I would not lie about. She stays in the kitchen, and I don’t even see her when I whisper a “bye” towards her direction and close the door.
From one second to the next. A beautiful thing… destroyed.
Because it was exactly on this night that a “breakthrough” moment happened, I could really tell that we were going to end up together, she was opening up, showed me her vibrator, we had future plans in place a bit for things to do, it was the exact blooming moment of a new relationship.
And exactly, precisely in the moment it bloomed, it was nipped in the bud. Cut off on the spot, violently.
The situation is also that I am in a new city since 10 months and 2 months left, and I was going to see if I could stay, largely also for her…
I feel horrible.
I text her soon after:
I am text in blue, she is red.
I wanted to apologize again. It was an in the moment feeling that was not the right one in any way. It is extremely good that you saw it in same overall moment. There’s no excuse about it, somehow in moment felt like deep profound adoration, and that’s the world to me. Like the beauty of an in the moment smile you see your friends having. Never in the slightest about ‘revealing’ or anything like this, which suddenly becomes massively a thing and there’s nothing can do about it now.
Not as an excuse, or anything like this, just wanting to let this know. Because is important and you’re important to me, and I make mistakes not thinking, so in whatever way it means now
I appreciate your message and I accept your apologies, but this is something that I will not tolerate, it’s something that i don’t want for myself
This is also something that you don’t do to people that you like
Completely understand and agree. And this is what hurts me also by my not thinking, honestly, because am completely agreeing. No matter what even loving feeling it was coming from. In the end perhaps it’s not really this that matters, I don’t know
What matters is transparency and trus, love will never justify everything I wish you all the best NAME
I understand. Thank you for everything and what you’ve taught me. Forever wishing you all the best in all ways for the future.
Take care of yourself, and always remember you are more capable than you think
Her: Heart likes the last message.
I wanted to apologize again. It was an in the moment feeling that was not the right one in any way. It is extremely good that you saw it in same overall moment. There’s no excuse about it, somehow in moment felt like deep profound adoration, and that’s the world to me. Like the beauty of an in the moment smile you see your friends having. Never in the slightest about ‘revealing’ or anything like this, which suddenly becomes massively a thing and there’s nothing can do about it now.
Not as an excuse, or anything like this, just wanting to let this know. Because is important and you’re important to me, and I make mistakes not thinking, so in whatever way it means now
I appreciate your message and I accept your apologies, but this is something that I will not tolerate, it’s something that i don’t want for myself
This is also something that you don’t do to people that you like
Completely understand and agree. And this is what hurts me also by my not thinking, honestly, because am completely agreeing. No matter what even loving feeling it was coming from. In the end perhaps it’s not really this that matters, I don’t know
What matters is transparency and trus, love will never justify everything I wish you all the best NAME
I understand. Thank you for everything and what you’ve taught me. Forever wishing you all the best in all ways for the future.
Take care of yourself, and always remember you are more capable than you think
Her: Heart likes the last message.
Ironic that capturing a picture for a memory literally turned her into a memory forever…
So now, am feeling extremely down about this…
Reached out to all my close friends and people I trust, @Skippy and @Kvothe saw me cry; @Bismarck , @Dreamer and @Skills all said my taking pictures without asking was retarded and a stupid mistake to make, which I fully agree with!! (And of course they are amazing friends that helped me cope emotionally with it).
Skills said that now should go radio silent, standard procedure if she is the one doing breakup. Which I will now do. But it sucks because we never really actually were together, so I don’t think this will work with a girl feeling so violated and overtriggered, and able to cut things. Especially, and this is the main point, because we never actually were together officially.
She was someone very slow to trust people, and once trust is broken, is over… so is it even worth it to rebuild? Most likely not.
So then I was wondering how it would work on instagram since we have each other, but this happened on Thursday lunchtime, and then I find out Saturday that she actually had removed me from following her on instagram (so I can’t see her pictures at all anymore, since she has private account - is she doing this in a “Now I won’t let him see a single picture of mine anymore” headspace?) and unfollowed me as well. But didn’t block me on whatsapp or so, which would have been the worst.
So now I can’t even ping her indirectly with cool stories here and there.
Overall feel very hurt, just this freak event that happened (the leadup to her seeing the pictures was so full of coincidences. First, I had leaned against the oven, which then with my butt I activated the SAFE mode. And it was already a coincidence I could stay and not have meetings, and the meeting I did have was cancelled. And I was going to leave before lunch but then stayed as well. And then she wanted to make herself a pizza for lunch, needing the oven. Which wasn’t working. Then I pull open ChatGPT to take a picture of the oven and how to fix it. And then she doesn’t see it. And we fix it. And then I am still on the app and accidentally click on “upload image” again, and in the pop up she only now sees the photos… and it was weird, because I had taken a rapid-fire amount, which I don’t know why. So now it was even more obvious there were pictures. So she saw it…)
So just feeling sense of loss, of pain, and knowing I’ll get over it, but just damning that it had to happen this way. And I still don’t know if a dodged a big bullet perhaps because her communication style is more closed off, not sharing so easily, while a big love language of mine is words of affirmation actually. Which made me frustrated texting her in NY. And if she flares up like this for one thing, most likely she would have flared up in the future for something else! And I would be miserable.
I also did fall under her frame I think, she is very perceptive, and knows exactly what she wants. Already knows where her honeymoon will be and what expectations she has of her husband on how he treats her. So I’m just filling a box here somehow. And I was kind of falling under her frame to be honest. Crazy because I never really expected myself to. But I have no strong ideas or goals here, while she does, so it does get imposed on me. How crazy to see it happen in real life so to speak.
Also there is a side fact that I'm still seeing HBTurkishDancer and I'd have to break up with her most likely to be with HBLisboa. But HBTurkishDancer is long distance. And HBTurkishDancer is an incredible personality fit, vision board body for me, just face is cute but not stunning. But I'm apparently pretty sloppy for some things at times, like hiding pictures, so there is a non-zero chance that HBLisboa would have found out somehow about HBTurkishDancer due to seeing some texts or me hiding me phone of sorts. Can't be hidden forever, now can it. So I'd probably have to end it. Just a side note of how I was feeling about it too.
I’ve been reaching out to many people, including normies, to talk about this, and it really has been helping dealing with the emotional pain. My gay friend had some really good advice on this, and I was in fact considering texting her on Sunday a ping of “hello, how are you doing” (phrased better) and by her response see if I can have an opening at tiding things over. Which, my emotional self is willing to do. And if she doesn’t, then, well, that’s it as well.
But then Skills responded and said radio silence was best, and in these things trust him more than anyone, so this is what I’ll do. Except that since we were never actually together and how her personality is, I think this may mean her not contacting me forever… which hurts. Maybe for best, cannot tell now.
And the instagram thing really seems like she’s not in “give him chance to fight for this” at all.
So I’d like to know what you guys think about this case, like @Chase what I should do, and what to learn here. What am I seeing and what am I not seeing.
Because this place here is like home and in the end one of the true places to come back to for actual advice and help, and is so appreciated. And this is of course me speaking from my emotional self as well right now.
One thing that has been helping has been telling myself how she can never replace me or find someone as good as me, because who else can fuck her like I can, have as good as a body as me (I’m fit, not jacked but very fit), and stimulate her mind in the ways I can? Be as non-judgmental, positive, and happy about life? Bring the beauty and excitement in small and big ways and moments? Be present in the moment and really feel her, understand her, and stimulate and direct her slowly in the ways she wants to be able to go? Give her strength like I can through this? I’ve fucking worked so hard on myself and ability to connect with people, understand them and let them feel understood, and now steering to doing what they truly want, add positivity and beauty to their life, and be extremely self aware of myself, my actions, her actions, and her?
She described my personality by my birth month once through a reel:
Fresh, free-spirited, and full of curiosity, you move through the world with an air of effortless charm. You are a storyteller, a wanderer, a dreamer who finds beauty in the smallest details. People feel refreshed in your presence, like a cool breeze on a summer afternoon
Which is a heck of a cold read, is so accurate!!
Which is a heck of a cold read, is so accurate!!
She will never meet someone like me. I just wonder if it will be buried in auto-rejection, with the occasional secret longing, but not allowing herself to follow through, out of principle…
This is totally an ego-stroking mechanism right now to think this and I believe it, and I wrote it out because it makes me feel better and I am in need of feeling better. I don’t get angry about almost anything in life, so when something happens, I just feel sad and anxious. But I know I’ll be okay.
And this sets me way more free than I was before, so many adventures to go on, skills to refine, stories to make... I am not even close to my full potential. And I've already come so far.
It is also interesting to note I apparently am not so resistant to making deeper connections with girls; Just that I should be more deliberate about how and in what way... let this be a good lesson then. In some way.
What are your thoughts? What am I missing in your eyes, what did I do well, what would you think I should do for future or learn from this in best way? Anyone reading this now with a willingness to share a piece of your mind, please let me know
Thanks for your thoughts!
And may our journeys take us to the brightest of places and most beautiful and loveliest of women.
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