Help Me Root This Anxiety Out

[Suave]

Hi,
I am 16, and currently in High School. I've been reading GC for like, 4 months now and the change I've seen in my social life is just amazing! Not just with the girls I know, my friends, the guys I meet, my teachers even my parents! I owe Chase and all the people who write here a lot! Thank you all.

Now, for the real problem.
I've been trying to figure out this for a while now but the more I try to, the worse it gets, I could gather the courage to approach beforehand even though when I look back, I feel like I was so much worse, like so much has changed! (I NEVER COLD APPROACHED THOUGH! It was something lame but still worked!)

I do think that I look allright and that might be a reason!

However, I it's just weird now as whenever I'm not around girls and read some posts about how to look at women, I feel like I can approach, but when it really comes down to it, I am hesitant, I just can't!

From a little self evaluation, I think that it's the fear of her 'testing' me and appearing aloof, and putting me in the 'chasing' position to others (girls?).

However, I don't want to, but I care so much about the reactions of the the people around me(specially other girls, since there are a lot who do like me, so I think), that, thinking of,"What will they say if I appear to be chasing her!?". And then, I don't even approach!

Help me out here a little please.

Thank You.

 

[Howell]

Suave,

Have you ever gone hunting? Maybe you know what buck fever is? If not, it's basically when you kill (or maybe just see) your firsts big game you will usually be overcome with emotion and nervous. But you get past it.

In other words, it sounds like you're experiencing run of the mill, garden variety approach anxiety. It's one thing to read about shooting, but going out there and pulling the trigger is always going to be different. More is at risk (though the risks usually aren't high, and the rewards are usually much higher -- which is good to always keep in mind; the ends, that is).

It sounds like you feel your reputation will be damaged by your approaches, which is reasonable, especially when you're newer you will probably have some bad approaches that could damage your reputation. If you have somewhere outside your high school you could get some practice approaching and pushing yourself to do things you're not used to doing that would probably be really useful. Maybe once a week go do your homework in the mall or something, and just take intermittent breaks where you go do approach girls (and force yourself to reach a certain quota -- like I wont go back to doing my homework until I have talked to at least 3 girls or something like that).

But man, 16 is a nice young age to get started into GC. If you stick with it for a while, future you will be very grateful, I expect.

Howell

 

[Suave]

Thanks a lot for the quick reply. I think what you're describing is probably what my problem is. I surely will try to follow your advice. Will try it at the mall sometime soon.

So, there's no way I'm getting away from this except to go out there and actually approach, right?

 

[ray_zorse]

Dude I have done at least 100 approaches and every time I get out there I feel exactly what you described all over again. Even the totally advanced guys get it. But the worst that can happen is she tells you to fuck off. (Assuming you're in a neutral venue such as a shopping centre or the street). The sky won't fall in, etc. It's all about getting warmed up. Force yourself to do an approach. Then think about what went right/wrong. Was I smiling, was my body language friendly, etc. Then address that on the next approach. It will only take you a few tries to get it right. Then immediately do another 5 like that. You will be flying -- approach anxiety, what the fuck is that? I go through this process on every outing. If this is too advanced then try the newbie assignment. This really breaks it down into baby steps for you -- much easier.
cheers, Ray

 

[Zoro]

The thing is you don't get rid of the anxiety, you learn that it is your friend. Emotions are guides, not our rulers or our conquests.

Honestly when I feel no anxiety I start to miss it, its exciting.

Be in the moment, just talk to them. There is no figuring out what to do when you have little experience. Forget what you are "supposed to do" and just feel her out. You will forget all the necessary things anyway if you are nervous.

Something you can remember and a powerful frame to have is that you are checking to see if this girl is cool enough for you. Is she your type, is she crazy, is she worth your time?

You're still young man, miles ahead of me when I was at your age.

Fundamentals are vital remember that!

Good luck little man
-J

 

[Suave]

Thank you for your replies again.

Now that I know it'll always be there, I think the next time I'm out, I might be actually able to say, "Fuck it, why am I making this such a huge deal? I won't stop getting it anyway."

I also started working on fundamentals when I initially came to GC so I think I've got some of it down as well, but still, it's work in progress.

It really got me some results though, girls do look at me, I notice that in my peripheral vision and that makes me fear judgement even more, because they already think I get girls right? Now what if I walk up to a girl in front of them and get rejected?
Will my value drop? I won't seem that much of a 'stud' now that I got rejected right?

I'll see if I can approach today anyway. Wish me luck.

Thanks again.

 

[Smith]

I notice that in my peripheral vision and that makes me fear judgement even more, because they already think I get girls right? Now what if I walk up to a girl in front of them and get rejected?
Will my value drop? I won't seem that much of a 'stud' now that I got rejected right?

lol stuck inside your head again there. Be in the moment and just do it. I always clear my mind before I walked up to a girl. It stops this kinda silly self talk.

You will get rejected in front of strangers now and then. It's how you react afterwards that's important. Take a deep breath and relax. It's no big deal. Smile and walk away slowly and confidently.

Forget about doing everything perfect. There's no such thing as a 'perfect' approach. If she likes you a lot, you can mess up a little and still get dates. It's no big deal.

good luck!

- Smith

 

[Suave]

I think I am starting to get the hang of it. My anxiety levels are a little less, now that I am thinking more logically. A big thanks to you for pulling me a little on-track.

So, I thought to myself that I was going to approach the first good-looking girl I spot alone today (at school) and guss what, the good ones never roam around alone! They always have their friends with them.

The ones that are alone are in a rush, almost always! So if I am going to have any luck with any of them, I'll have to approach a group of atleast two.

How different is it? Approaching two instead of one?

Thank You.

 

[Howell]

The ones that are alone are in a rush, almost always! So if I am going to have any luck with any of them, I'll have to approach a group of at least two.

How different is it? Approaching two instead of one?

Thank You.

Haha, that's how it is sometimes

Approaching two girls is different, and it can be intimidating to think about. However, in practice it is really quite simple. What works for me is just not thinking of it as an approach and instead as me just bumping into some people to see what they've got going on and get some positive vibes going. Take the pressure off by thinking of it differently if it's feeling too intimidating. Having some social momentum for this goes a long way. My end goal with girls in groups may be to fuck a specific person in them at some point, but the goal I am acting upon in the beginning is often just to spread positive vibes, make a good impression, and make friends with a sexual undertone. Obviously you should focus on the one you like most, and you should calibrate your attitude to the situation. That's a more indirect style.

It's good practice to try direct with groups also, but your chances are probably higher (in high school at least -- I find that younger girls tend to respond better to direct openings but convert to continued interactions more with indirect ones, but maybe that's just me) if you just go in lower pressure but still subtley demonstrating sexual interest. You don't even need to be overt -- just moving it along your usual process will work just fine (next step would be to get them moving with you and ideally isolating the one you want and/or getting her number). Maybe doing this in your high school isn't the best strategy, at least until you've done it a few times and know what to expect and how to handle yourself. But if you can handle yourself, I'd say go direct and level up faster and learn how far you can go first hand. Don't just take my word for it!

Also, don't stick around where you aren't welcome, and always exit and enter as gracefully and graciously as you can. Even if you get turned down, they should be thinking that, because of how graciously you left, maybe they were wrong about you and you actually are a high value guy they want to spend time with. Next time they see you they will probably respect you more and may even be into you... if only secretly

TL;DR: How do you approach girls in groups? Don't overthink it.

 

[ray_zorse]

This is good advice. Next time I go out I'm gonna try approaching some pairs/groups. Wish me luck
cheers, Ray

 

[Suave]

I see, I would prefer direct as well because it will save the limited time I have between classes as well as screen the uninterested ones out pretty efficiently.

But, how do you actually apply directon two (OR MORE?)? Because if you go about telling two girls that they both are attractive, isn't it a little awkward? Tell this to one girl and we're good, but two? (Yeah, I overthink a lot )

Also, can someone please write down some example openers (2 or 3 will do) so that I get an idea of the mindset you need when approaching a pair OR group.

The ones that are alone are in a rush, almost always! So if I am going to have any luck with any of them, I'll have to approach a group of at least two.

How different is it? Approaching two instead of one?

Thank You.

Haha, that's how it is sometimes

Approaching two girls is different, and it can be intimidating to think about. However, in practice it is really quite simple. What works for me is just not thinking of it as an approach and instead as me just bumping into some people to see what they've got going on and get some positive vibes going. Take the pressure off by thinking of it differently if it's feeling too intimidating. Having some social momentum for this goes a long way. My end goal with girls in groups may be to fuck a specific person in them at some point, but the goal I am acting upon in the beginning is often just to spread positive vibes, make a good impression, and make friends with a sexual undertone. Obviously you should focus on the one you like most, and you should calibrate your attitude to the situation. That's a more indirect style.

It's good practice to try direct with groups also, but your chances are probably higher (in high school at least -- I find that younger girls tend to respond better to direct openings but convert to continued interactions more with indirect ones, but maybe that's just me) if you just go in lower pressure but still subtley demonstrating sexual interest. You don't even need to be overt -- just moving it along your usual process will work just fine (next step would be to get them moving with you and ideally isolating the one you want and/or getting her number). Maybe doing this in your high school isn't the best strategy, at least until you've done it a few times and know what to expect and how to handle yourself. But if you can handle yourself, I'd say go direct and level up faster and learn how far you can go first hand. Don't just take my word for it!

Also, don't stick around where you aren't welcome, and always exit and enter as gracefully and graciously as you can. Even if you get turned down, they should be thinking that, because of how graciously you left, maybe they were wrong about you and you actually are a high value guy they want to spend time with. Next time they see you they will probably respect you more and may even be into you... if only secretly

TL;DR: How do you approach girls in groups? Don't overthink it.

Awesome stuff, but how do you open under the radar without being overt? Situational openers? I don't actually know how they would work in this situation, so... How?

This is good advice. Next time I go out I'm gonna try approaching some pairs/groups. Wish me luck
cheers, Ray

Good luck man.

You guys have been a huge help, really, it's one thing to read and another to interact with more experienced people who can help you sort some stuff out. Thank you.

Thank You again.

 

[Suave]

Just thought I would share a quick update here.

I APPROACHED! YAY!
There was this girl in class who was sitting right in front in of me, so, I opened. We didn't get much time, just a minute or so, but yeah, she was interested and I could tell. I offered her my name, asked hers and we had a "soft" handshake. Nothing too fancy as the teacher came in.

No regrets because I just wanted to approach and I'll see her around a lot (we attend the same class right?) I had some doubts cleared from the teacher after the class and while exiting I saw her standing with her friend right by the room ( in my peripheral vision), I had a call to make so I didn't engage and then had to leave.

But then again, a day well spent.