- Joined
- Jan 17, 2019
- Messages
- 774
I matched with a woman on Hinge who was a few years older than me – she had a typical nerdy look – glasses, dyed black hair and tattoos, and typical nerdy interests - Dr who, boardgames, sci fi and so on.
She commented on one of my nerdy photos of me posing with a project I’d made for a friend’s birthday last year and we went from there. After a couple of standard back and forth texts I asked for her schedule and set up a date for Friday night (two days ago)
I chose a board game café in the center of the city and had a couple of other nerdy places in mind to go to afterwards. These weren’t within walking distance to my place though which was the only downside. When she arrived, I could immediately tell she was pretty socially awkward (she seemed a bit spacey). I was a bit unsure about how to handle this so I was a bit more reserved than usual and went along with her, trying to match her personality.
She loved the board game café. While here she revealed a few things about herself – she had a rough upbringing that she didn’t want to talk about, she was heavily into BDSM and she was pretty lonely and not that satisfied with her life. I didn’t reveal much about myself – surface level stuff like my job, interests and so on. I don’t think I sounded too interested though– that’s because lately with all the moves I haven’t really had a chance to work on my hobbies and have no projects I’m currently working on to get excited about so it might have come across as phony and unambitious. We both wanted drinks and I found out this place didn’t have alcohol so we left after browsing the board games and headed to a whisky bar, meanwhile talking about Quantum Physics (she didn’t really seem to know what she was talking about and nothing she said really surprised me since I was pretty familiar with the topic). But it was a fun, lighthearted conversation.
There was a particular drink that a friend of hers had recommended that she hadn’t been able to find anywhere, so we decided to explore a couple of other bars to find it. While out she revealed how hard it was to find someone who understood her. It completely flew over my head that she was revealing that she was similarity type but I didn’t dig further, instead keeping the conversations lighthearted and playful. I did deep dive on occasion but I must not have done it well enough for her to feel a strong connection, as I later found out.
After a while she suggested going to a science themed bar which actually ended up being the same bar that I had planned us ending the night on – I planned this date pretty well for a similarity type actually – but once we got there, had a few more drinks and went upstairs to a quieter area, she started revealing what she really thought about me…
Apparently she thought I had “no personality”, and that when she looked into my eyes she couldn’t figure me out. I mentioned that that was a good thing – who wants to figure out a person after just a few hours knowing them? That would take away any intrigue (This is one way only of course – I don’t want girls figuring me out within a few hours but I want to figure them out – currently failing at that apparently). She explained further that she didn’t want a puzzle, she wanted someone that she could know and trust right away, so that she could then join them on whatever journey they were going on in life. But to her it seemed like I didn’t have any ambitions, or any passions. She mentioned that she matched with me because of the photo of me with my nerdy project, but she wasn’t getting any sense that I was actually interested in it because I hadn’t talked about it all night. Fair point. She also mentioned that it seemed like I didn’t know or care about her at all, and that I probably had no idea she used to play in a metal band. I didn’t. And she also said it seemed like I was putting on a façade and that I wasn’t truly happy but pretending to be. She was right.
This whole ordeal was pretty rough, and I just emotionally shut down and went silent for a few minutes. After a while I thought, screw it, this isn’t going anywhere, so I might as well explain to her that I understood exactly what she meant and why I turned out this way. I talked about my childhood, and explained how while I had friends growing up, I never really fit in anywhere and always ran with different crowds, because I had different interests. I explained that I enjoyed working on nerdy projects, but I also enjoyed going to the gym, music festivals, having drugs and alcohol. And that because I ran with different crowds I was used to hiding certain aspects of my personality to get along with them better. And that it was hard meeting people who were similar to me. I told her that I knew exactly what she meant (because I did) but that I was trying to work on it and trying to be better, but that it was a hard and lonely journey, which is why I was not that happy. I guess this is why it’s so important to be vulnerable. I’m not good at showing vulnerability at all – in fact, this was the most vulnerable I’d been with anyone in a long time.
Well, that seemed to work.. she was starting to smile a bit – I think she was starting to realize that I did actually get it, and she was seeing the real me and that I wasn’t just a dumb phony. And then she suggested we leave – so we did and found a quieter area outside on the street (still in plain view of everyone though) where we talked even more about how hard it is to find someone who really gets you. I wasn’t even thinking about picking her up at this point and I thought that was it – I was just unloading and would never see this woman again – because I was still emotionally numb.
On the way back to the train station I pretty much told her (in my numb state) that it was a shame this wasn’t going to work out. Well I guessed that pissed her off, because apparently by this point, she’d started to trust me so much that she wanted to see me again. She felt like the last hour was a complete waste because she had revealed so much about herself to me and now I was basically saying “I understand, that sucks, good luck, see you later”.
I explained that that wasn’t what I meant, and then she asked me to prove it. I told her that she was obviously someone who had gone through a lot of pain in her life, but who wasn’t willing to give up just yet, and that despite all the setbacks she had faced, she still had a glimmer of hope that she would find someone who truly understood her. And that is what was keeping her going. And I said that I didn’t feel like I was able to be that person for her because of where I am in life, and I didn’t want to hurt her by giving her that hope.
At this point, we were walking past a cathedral. She jumped up on one of the stone railings and told me to come up as well. I did, facing away from her. Then she asked why I was facing the other direction - I turned around she leaned in and kissed me, probably for a good minute. We talked a little more, and then she coyly asked me if I’d ever had sex in a church before and I said no. She smiled and suggested we try to get in (This was at 12:30 in the morning). But all the doors were locked! “That’s a real shame” she said, still smiling. At this point I was still feeling emotionally numb and wasn’t thinking straight, so I wasn’t thinking about other places we could have gone. I just suggested we come back on Sunday but she was working so couldn’t. We ended up kissing some more, and she followed me to my train and waited with me right outside the door on the platform until it left and told me to text her when I got home (her train was leaving 20 minutes later). I just had a really strange feeling about the whole thing (maybe because I was still in such an emotionally numb state) and didn’t invite her back to mine…
So that was it. I went home alone, and texted her that I got home alright.
Her words stuck with me. And I had an existential crisis thinking about them the entire next day. She pretty much confirmed my suspicions of how I come across to other people and why it has been so difficult to form meaningful connections with them. I struggle to connect with women (and people in general) in any meaningful way. Interactions are generally shallow. I’m not really interested in them. I think this is because I still care too much about what they think of me and so I’m constantly thinking of myself, not them. I think I’m a bit jaded too. I read a lot as a teenager and through my 20s, and it’s extremely hard to get stimulated by many conversation topics anymore. That’s why I focus more on being lighthearted and fun, but the end result is that women think that’s all I’m about and there isn’t more to me. There is, I’m just not interested in showing or talking about it because I don’t learn anything talking about myself.
Main lessons:
- I need to learn how to be vulnerable with people – people open up to me a lot more when I’m vulnerable. But I still need to balance this with being playful and fun. I also need to tailor this to the woman in question depending on her SAC type. I imagine this is more important for similarity types as opposed to the others.
- I need to really make an active effort to be interested in and truly care about other people, as much as it goes against my natural inclinations. I need to learn how to stop constantly thinking about how I’m being perceived or how this person can benefit me.
- I need to cultivate and find a way to convey my ambition and passions on dates, while keeping talking to a minimum.
She commented on one of my nerdy photos of me posing with a project I’d made for a friend’s birthday last year and we went from there. After a couple of standard back and forth texts I asked for her schedule and set up a date for Friday night (two days ago)
I chose a board game café in the center of the city and had a couple of other nerdy places in mind to go to afterwards. These weren’t within walking distance to my place though which was the only downside. When she arrived, I could immediately tell she was pretty socially awkward (she seemed a bit spacey). I was a bit unsure about how to handle this so I was a bit more reserved than usual and went along with her, trying to match her personality.
She loved the board game café. While here she revealed a few things about herself – she had a rough upbringing that she didn’t want to talk about, she was heavily into BDSM and she was pretty lonely and not that satisfied with her life. I didn’t reveal much about myself – surface level stuff like my job, interests and so on. I don’t think I sounded too interested though– that’s because lately with all the moves I haven’t really had a chance to work on my hobbies and have no projects I’m currently working on to get excited about so it might have come across as phony and unambitious. We both wanted drinks and I found out this place didn’t have alcohol so we left after browsing the board games and headed to a whisky bar, meanwhile talking about Quantum Physics (she didn’t really seem to know what she was talking about and nothing she said really surprised me since I was pretty familiar with the topic). But it was a fun, lighthearted conversation.
There was a particular drink that a friend of hers had recommended that she hadn’t been able to find anywhere, so we decided to explore a couple of other bars to find it. While out she revealed how hard it was to find someone who understood her. It completely flew over my head that she was revealing that she was similarity type but I didn’t dig further, instead keeping the conversations lighthearted and playful. I did deep dive on occasion but I must not have done it well enough for her to feel a strong connection, as I later found out.
After a while she suggested going to a science themed bar which actually ended up being the same bar that I had planned us ending the night on – I planned this date pretty well for a similarity type actually – but once we got there, had a few more drinks and went upstairs to a quieter area, she started revealing what she really thought about me…
Apparently she thought I had “no personality”, and that when she looked into my eyes she couldn’t figure me out. I mentioned that that was a good thing – who wants to figure out a person after just a few hours knowing them? That would take away any intrigue (This is one way only of course – I don’t want girls figuring me out within a few hours but I want to figure them out – currently failing at that apparently). She explained further that she didn’t want a puzzle, she wanted someone that she could know and trust right away, so that she could then join them on whatever journey they were going on in life. But to her it seemed like I didn’t have any ambitions, or any passions. She mentioned that she matched with me because of the photo of me with my nerdy project, but she wasn’t getting any sense that I was actually interested in it because I hadn’t talked about it all night. Fair point. She also mentioned that it seemed like I didn’t know or care about her at all, and that I probably had no idea she used to play in a metal band. I didn’t. And she also said it seemed like I was putting on a façade and that I wasn’t truly happy but pretending to be. She was right.
This whole ordeal was pretty rough, and I just emotionally shut down and went silent for a few minutes. After a while I thought, screw it, this isn’t going anywhere, so I might as well explain to her that I understood exactly what she meant and why I turned out this way. I talked about my childhood, and explained how while I had friends growing up, I never really fit in anywhere and always ran with different crowds, because I had different interests. I explained that I enjoyed working on nerdy projects, but I also enjoyed going to the gym, music festivals, having drugs and alcohol. And that because I ran with different crowds I was used to hiding certain aspects of my personality to get along with them better. And that it was hard meeting people who were similar to me. I told her that I knew exactly what she meant (because I did) but that I was trying to work on it and trying to be better, but that it was a hard and lonely journey, which is why I was not that happy. I guess this is why it’s so important to be vulnerable. I’m not good at showing vulnerability at all – in fact, this was the most vulnerable I’d been with anyone in a long time.
Well, that seemed to work.. she was starting to smile a bit – I think she was starting to realize that I did actually get it, and she was seeing the real me and that I wasn’t just a dumb phony. And then she suggested we leave – so we did and found a quieter area outside on the street (still in plain view of everyone though) where we talked even more about how hard it is to find someone who really gets you. I wasn’t even thinking about picking her up at this point and I thought that was it – I was just unloading and would never see this woman again – because I was still emotionally numb.
On the way back to the train station I pretty much told her (in my numb state) that it was a shame this wasn’t going to work out. Well I guessed that pissed her off, because apparently by this point, she’d started to trust me so much that she wanted to see me again. She felt like the last hour was a complete waste because she had revealed so much about herself to me and now I was basically saying “I understand, that sucks, good luck, see you later”.
I explained that that wasn’t what I meant, and then she asked me to prove it. I told her that she was obviously someone who had gone through a lot of pain in her life, but who wasn’t willing to give up just yet, and that despite all the setbacks she had faced, she still had a glimmer of hope that she would find someone who truly understood her. And that is what was keeping her going. And I said that I didn’t feel like I was able to be that person for her because of where I am in life, and I didn’t want to hurt her by giving her that hope.
At this point, we were walking past a cathedral. She jumped up on one of the stone railings and told me to come up as well. I did, facing away from her. Then she asked why I was facing the other direction - I turned around she leaned in and kissed me, probably for a good minute. We talked a little more, and then she coyly asked me if I’d ever had sex in a church before and I said no. She smiled and suggested we try to get in (This was at 12:30 in the morning). But all the doors were locked! “That’s a real shame” she said, still smiling. At this point I was still feeling emotionally numb and wasn’t thinking straight, so I wasn’t thinking about other places we could have gone. I just suggested we come back on Sunday but she was working so couldn’t. We ended up kissing some more, and she followed me to my train and waited with me right outside the door on the platform until it left and told me to text her when I got home (her train was leaving 20 minutes later). I just had a really strange feeling about the whole thing (maybe because I was still in such an emotionally numb state) and didn’t invite her back to mine…
So that was it. I went home alone, and texted her that I got home alright.
Her words stuck with me. And I had an existential crisis thinking about them the entire next day. She pretty much confirmed my suspicions of how I come across to other people and why it has been so difficult to form meaningful connections with them. I struggle to connect with women (and people in general) in any meaningful way. Interactions are generally shallow. I’m not really interested in them. I think this is because I still care too much about what they think of me and so I’m constantly thinking of myself, not them. I think I’m a bit jaded too. I read a lot as a teenager and through my 20s, and it’s extremely hard to get stimulated by many conversation topics anymore. That’s why I focus more on being lighthearted and fun, but the end result is that women think that’s all I’m about and there isn’t more to me. There is, I’m just not interested in showing or talking about it because I don’t learn anything talking about myself.
Main lessons:
- I need to learn how to be vulnerable with people – people open up to me a lot more when I’m vulnerable. But I still need to balance this with being playful and fun. I also need to tailor this to the woman in question depending on her SAC type. I imagine this is more important for similarity types as opposed to the others.
- I need to really make an active effort to be interested in and truly care about other people, as much as it goes against my natural inclinations. I need to learn how to stop constantly thinking about how I’m being perceived or how this person can benefit me.
- I need to cultivate and find a way to convey my ambition and passions on dates, while keeping talking to a minimum.
