how can I fix one bad move?

[NarrowJ]

Lex,

Is it best to just not contact her if I don't hear anything?

I'm getting a little conflicted giving you advice on this now because I'm not 100% sure what you want from her. You've said you are only interested in fucking, but you're also pouring a ton of investment in. We need to pinpoint exactly what the goal is, I think. If you just want to be a cool guy that she comes to for sex, then all this chasing and trying to "make things right" is really damaging that frame.

In any event, to your question, yeah I'd wait for her to reach out this time.

My worry is that if I contact her, on one hand I will appear needy and expendable, on the other hand I will appear to not care and she may return the favor.

You've put yourself out there enough. Think about it: You've came to this girl and said "Hey, I like you. I want to keep seeing you. Let's get together, let's see one another and see what happens.", and so she knows what's up. And sometimes - like in this case - it may be good to appear as though you don't care. Some no contact might even do you some good here. Let her stew on it for several days.

In your opinion is talking about a "relationship " something that would be a big mistake? Or a mistake not to?

Yep, that'd be a mistake. You're supposed to let the woman slowly rope you in; not the other way around.

I'm thinking maybe it's because she's been on so many dates that she doesn't let her guard down expecting something that goes nowhere.

Horseshit.

That's the typical female algorithm for getting a man to invest more. She gets distant, then when you reach out and start buckling and chasing, she tells you it doesn't seem like you're serious enough, which just causes more knee-jerk chasing behavior.

Honestly, I'd let this one sit and if she reaches out, just lean back and let her show you some interest. Get her on the ropes for once. Your mindset here needs to be: "Who's not serious about this? I've told you I want to see you and get to know you more, but all I get is distant cold evasive stuff. You're gonna need to step it up, girl."




J.J.

 

[lex78]

Hey, to be honest I'd probably like to have more with her but because of the cold behavior it's made me question what the approach or goal should be.
It seems like too much of a game for people our age.
Her texts and behaviour keeps changing from promising to distant.
I agree I said all I could and anything more will just work against me.
Basically I'd want something nice if she goes back to being cool, if not then just a good time if that makes any sense.

An example would be she was contacting me steady throughout the day, avoided being overly nice and then when I responded to something later in the evening, she didn't bother to respond yet.

Do you feel it's best to completely ignore her if she does message me or just respond as normal if she does?

 

[lex78]

Is it better to ignore for a day?
I'm not used to doing this but not sure what the right move is.
Somethings gotta give eventually because I don't see how things will go anywhere if she doesn't warm up here.

Thanks!

 

[lex78]

Hey,
Since my last post some new events have happened.
After her hot and cold behavior I didn't contact her for a day.
On Halloween she suddenly really warmed up in her texts and then it seemed to trail off again in the evening.
We made plans to see eachother the next day and we did.
She came over to a relatives house where I was staying until my new place that I'm buying closes. ( we were alone of course)
We cooked food went for a walk and hung out. I tried to get close but she was not very receptive.

During the walk she said some of the things I say sound like lies and she had this experience before blah blah blah. I told her that I don't really have any reason to lie

She left and we texted a bit over the next couple days and then it trailed off again. We went for a few days without communication then she sent me a message I responded and then nothing again.
I'm under the impression of a few things here.
I'm feeling the reason she warmed up to me that weekend is because someone stiffed her. She mentioned she had to go out with a friend and then it never happened.
Also she mentioned that her mom has been pressuring her to have kids , maybe influenced her decision to see me ?
If I had to guess , there are quite a few other people she must be dating. While I was with her last I couldn't help notice some really old dude she worked with was texting her steady. She did mention an ex boyfriend she dumped worked at the same place.

What is the best thing to do from here?
I think the reason it bothers me is because things were seemingly really good for the first month and I feel like I caused the change.
But on the other hand judging by her behaviour this may have been inevitable.
Thoughts?
Thanks

 

[NarrowJ]

Hey Lex,

So there's no sex or anything? You said she's not receptive to you being physical, yeah?

If you guys are just meeting up and talking and whatnot, that doesn't sound like a good path. She's accusing you of being a liar? On what grounds? There are none (i.e., "some of the things you say sound like lies"). That's just emotional warfare, man. And she's making you feel like you are her Plan B since her other plans didn't pan out. More emotional warfare type of shit there. Get away from this girl. You might feel like you caused the change, and maybe you did, but there's no sense in feeling bad about it now. It's just another life lesson, honestly. When there's a situation you're powerless over, it makes zero sense to hammer away at it. You just learn and move on.

I would honestly NEXT at this point. No contact at all. Sucks, but due to the recent events (what I know, anyhow), you need to move on and I wouldn't even bother keeping her as a friend at this point.


J.J.

 

[lex78]

Hey JJ ,
No sex, when she suggested coming over I thought things were on.
I really was under the impression her drastic change of behavior on Halloween the day before was due to loneliness and being possibly stiffed on a holiday.
We went to buy groceries, walk and cooked something and hung out.
I got close to her , kissed her at times and touched her but there was little to no response.
As per her usual behavior she seemed very engaged and cool followed by odd and distant.
This threw me off as I would not use the word innocent to describe her and I've never experienced this with a woman I've went out this many times with before.
Was the right move to stick my hand down her pants? I mean it seemed like I wasn't getting anywhere so did not press the matter.
I feel stupid now that I didn't.
As my place is being sold and basically abandoned I felt it best to meet alone at a family members place which they barely use anyways before I move into my new place. I explained this or suggested we go to her place up front but she had opted to come over.
I did not lie about any of this but other than that she said it looks like I'm making little lies about things and the classic "I went out with a guy before who lied blah blah"
That whole train of thought ended once I told her I don't know this person and it has nothing to do with me.

The night ended and after that we texted sporadically.
Our last few texts I asked what she was up to on the weekend and about the new place . She asked where it was with and ignored my other question . I replied and that's it. We have not communicated since.
I did discover that even before all this she was on the prowl looking for dates online hehe

I feel like shit but all your advice is great and I followed it.
Sorry about all the detail here man but just wanted to give you the background.
Given all this info is it still safe to say abandon ship?
Any point at all in communication or adding this person to something like Facebook to keep in the loop for a potential future bang at very least?

Thanks!