How can I stop hating her?

[steff]

Hello everyone!

First of all I would like to point out, that I am a total beginner, but I found some very interesting topics on this forum, and I would be more than happy to become a part of it.

So there is this girl. I can’t actually say that I had a relationship with her, but both me and her can definitely tell, that the last 6 months were like if we had been together.

Just a few notes about her and my problems with her:

1. I’ve known her for 10 years.
2. She was my best friend’s girlfriend for 6 years (i talked to him about this, he was completely happy with the idea of her and myself getting together).
3. She came into my social circles in a time when I was kind of depressed and suffering from anxiety
4. When we started feeling some kind of attraction towards each other, SHE was the one who made the first move (I consider this as my biggest mistake).
5. I didn’t make a move to sleep with her when I had the chance.
After that when I tried to make any kind of move she said that she still needs time, blablabla. That was the point in my life where I said, that I really want to fix myself, because I never managed to get a girlfriend for more than 3 months, who actually loved me, and I really wanted to get this handled. On the other hand, I felt very good that there was a girl around me when I had these hard times, so I was also kind of thankful that she stepped into my life, and I really wanted to fix my relationship with her.

So I started things like:

1. Ignoring her.
2. Going out with other girls.
3. Cold-approaching lots of girls

… and I did all this JUST TO GET HER BACK. On the other hand I started to like this other kind of lifestyle, especially, when I started having some minor results, from all the cold approaches (kissing other girls, etc.). One thing that happened is that she became attracted to me again. I started to feel more confident than ever until the point when I got into bed with her finally (AFTER 6 F**KING MONTHS), and guess what: I just couldn’t get an erection. Embarrassing, maddening, I just wanted to beat my head against the wall. I also became very confused. She said that she understands this, and we can take some time to work this out, try it more times, but I just didn’t know what to do. I was also kind of confused because I also liked to approach all these other girls and I just couldn’t make up my mind.

I thought that I lost my erection because I wasn’t even attracted to her anymore. I wanted to take her to bed just to prove myself. Somehow she felt that, and after I was a HUGE asshole with her on her birthday, she grabbed the first guy who approached her and told me that she’s done with me.

My problem is however, that she was still excited to see me sometimes, but after she said that she had a very active sexual life in the last few weeks I strated having bad emotions (something that I really want to avoid). From the outside it didn’t seem like she had any kind of relationship with anyone, but I can tell that she wanted to make me feel bad for not staying with her and following her lead.

Anyway, I still feel kind of bad for this whole thing, even if I learned a lot from this, I just don’t want to see her, but she is in my social circle and I can’t do anything with that. Another problem is that now I still have this performance anxiety, I am afraid that the next time I will take a woman to bed, there will be no hard-on. Even when I am talking to another woman I always have this on my mind and I cannot escalate anymore, and I keep having intense fantasies about having sex with this other girl with who I failed.

I strongly believe that there is a way to overcome all this, and to become a strong sexual man, but it is very hard, and I can’t stay focused on my businesses and other important things in my life, which also require a lot of time.

However, even if nobody reads this, it was good to write it down.

Steff

 

[trashKENNUT]

Steff,

If this is like the first few girls, it's completely understandable that you would care for her since she is longer with you as friends, but i don't think she cares for you as much as you think she does, and that's where you feel turn off or you hated her for it.

You feel that she likes you and that you both liked each other after some time but then she told you she goes out with other guys. It feels natural to feel bitter. I have been there.

I will not tell you to look at it positively. But do understand that she's a women and things like this do happen. You're not in a relationship, she likes you but you and her are not monogamous.

This is where a lot of guys have this disconnect.

Zac

 

[steff]

Thanks for the advice Zac.

I will try to move on, it's just a bit hard when I have to see her almost every week, even if I am trying to do my best to drop her.
Even if it was a bad experience, and a total mess, at least I learned a lot from it.

Steff

 

[trashKENNUT]

Thanks for the advice Zac.

I will try to move on, it's just a bit hard when I have to see her almost every week, even if I am trying to do my best to drop her.
Even if it was a bad experience, and a total mess, at least I learned a lot from it.

Don't discredit yourself, Get a haircut or get some clothes nice and not too expensive for yourself. Indulge momentarily while also understand the sadness. Failures help a lot. They really do.

Zac

 

[mkivtt]

I can relate... I was with a girl for almost a year and she meant everything to me. Then she ended the relationship for some BS reason (family, arranged marriage, not strong enough to stand up for herself and say no), and I'm still forced to see her most days at work. It took another year for me to get over that and stop loving / hating her.

Try to stay away from her as much as possible, would be my advice. If you're seeing her then it's so easy to take little things as signs that she still likes you... and your heart will trick up, make you fall in love again, read the wrong signals, and you will be an emotional wreck like I was for months on end. That, or push her to a make / break where she really tells you flat out that she doesn't want anything between you two again, to stop bugging her, to go away. That might whip you into shape too. It could also help to try and see other girls... get out of this "she is the one" mindset... there is always another one (even though I'm guilty of that myself and feel the same way about another girl now again).

As for performance anxiety... I had that with the first girl I was ever with lol. Twice. For the longest time it hurt. The way I got over it? By taking things slow. If you are with a girl and boom, kiss 5 mins later, boom, make out 10 mins later, and then UH OH time for sex... you start to worry. If you take it slow, and make the kissing / making out part go on for an hour or so a few time without going into sex, then you'll start to get rid of that anxiety and have massive boners just rubbing while making out. You won't be afraid "oh boy can I get it up" because it's already up, has been up for an hour, for several evenings, and she's comfortable with it, as are you. Then just go from there. I guess you need a girl who's a little more shy and won't want sex in the next 5 minutes, though.

 

[steff]

Thanks for the positive thoughts

Style and looks are not my issue, my issue through all these years was the lack of courage, victim behaviour, and not realizing that I am the one who is causing all the trouble for myself. The first time I had a relationship with a girl (10 years ago) it was all completely different. I moved fast as lightning, didn't let the emotions drive me, but she was someone who needed much more empathy and care, so she broke up with me. Instead of fixing the trouble and myself, I became somewhat of a nice guy, caring way too much about women, taking things way too slow, at the speed of a turtle, taking tremendous amounts of dating advice from girls in my class, and think that is the reason of why I am where I am today.

Just wrote this down, because I believe if you want to change something it's good to know the source of all the issues. I think we are all born fearless, and the bad experiences we go through our lives are the main reason we lose this.

As for the girl, even though I don't want to hurt her or hate her, I don't think she deserves the chance of me offering her to get together again, if she chose to shag with some other guy(s). After I put 6 months effort into something to make it work and got dumped in 2 weeks after one mistake, I guess even if we were together once again, the respect she would show me would be somewhere near ZERO. I just don't want to hate her because she made me much wiser, even if it was a bad experience. But I guess if we don't spend any kind of time together, there is no chance of hurting each other.

I guess it's exactly like qutting smoking: the cold turkey is the toughest way to give it up and let it go, but still the fastest and the most effective.