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How do I become the alpha of a group?

George Hustle

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Aug 1, 2014
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So I've got these two friends, right, and we're so close and we love each other (no we're not gays). But here's the thing. Even though I have improved myself over the last couple years regarding both women and lifestyle, I just don't feel like the alpha in our little group. I know you'll probably say, why would you need to be in that position when you're all friends and it doesn't matter. Well let's say I'm a control freak. I want to be in that role. I want them to look up to me. I hate it when we meet someone and my friend (who I believe is probably the alpha) is like taking control and maybe I just love him too much but I always end up talking to him more than he to me(or texting for that matter). Even sometimes he jokingly (maybe not really) says he's the alpha and we just joke around but I don't feel right. I feel shitty for the reason that I can't just enjoy our friendship but need to be more.

Leaving that aside, I recently started university and have met my new flatmates. Now I don't have all that much money so I don't go clubbing a lot and for that reason I feel a bit cast out of the flat. I mean my flatmates are pretty nice it's just that I want people to love me and to be happy when I'm around to share with me and ask me if they have problems.

I appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks.

tl;dr - How do I become someone people look up to and people just want to meet and talk to me?
 
you miss 100% of the shots you don't take

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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Jul 24, 2015
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2,091
Through mutual respect. MUTUAL respect.

I run with a group who are all faster than I. I respect their speed, they respect my tenacity and toughness. I don't pretend to be fast, but they all know I can endure misery longer than they would care to.

This mutual admiration society has developed over years where I compliment their skills and take a genuine interest in their strengths, they in turn return the sincere complements in social situations. Mainly because we aren't competing against each other for anything. We buy each other unique beers while we are travelling and drink them when we get together with other friends. We include each other in dinners and trips, and make each other look good.

You become alpha by demonstrating your generosity and goodwill through your actions. Not always for public effect. Sometimes just between the three of you. Very different from acting like a big shot. Remember the three musketeers? All for one and one for all.

I tell my Daughters..."The more light you shine on other people, the more gets reflected back on you."
 

HellAtlantic

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jul 1, 2015
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301
Ppl in the pickup/game community get so hung up on being or acting like the alpha. As if that's something that can be adopted. You either are or you're not. If you're the alpha, the unquestioned leader that ppl look up to and fear (for the most part) then you don't need tips or have to ask. You just are. It's in your personality to grab the group by the balls and take control by sheer force of your personality or nonverbals. I wouldn't get hung up on it so much. If it bothers you so much I would run with a different group with ppl with weaker personalities than yourself. The thing with being an alpha is if an outsider joins your group will he think he can run shit or will he defer to you? Alpha dogs are the alphas because of personality and how they carry themselves. You're an alpha because you are the alpha. You can adopt alpha traits but when you're challenged are you gonna relent? Are you going to be challenged at all? Silver back gorillas have very small testicles. Why? Because the top gorilla - the alpha - doesn't need to be worried about being challenged. He doesn't need to worry about other gorillas trying to take his spot and the female gorillas. Do you have that "don't think about trying to fuck with me - I'm the leader and just accept it" demeanor? Bring value to others, that's how they'll respect you and look up to you and want to be around you. But I would caution wanting to be alpha. That word gets used too much in PU community. If you ever came face to face with me - I'm a big muscular guy - or anyone else who has my body type you would likely slink away. I don't mean this as an internet troll. I mean it in the sense that only a true alpha is not going to be intimidated by me or someone similar to me. So be careful about asking how to be a person you may or may not have the personality type to really fulfill. You aren't looking to be the alpha anyway - you're asking "how do I become an important and valued member of my social group"? Anyone can be that - like I said offer value to ppl and they'll come to cherish you being around in their life. Only true alpha types can think about being the "alpha". That's two different things.
 

HellAtlantic

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jul 1, 2015
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301
Got this from an article online....

Here are the 25 Traits of an Alpha male:
1. An Alpha male is very comfortable with himself. He always radiates confidence. He does not fear anyone, he does not really care how people think of him. Confidence is him. He knows he is more important than anyone else in his life.
2.Is very passionate in life. He knows what he loves to do and follows his dreams. A true Alpha male has goals and ambitions, and really high ones. He follows these to the ultimate end, and ends up living a fulfilled life. (And women love passionate men with ambition. They see these kind of men becoming very successful in life and in their subconcious minds this is a qualifying factor in choosing a mate that will be able to provide for their future kids.)
3. Failure is only a minor setback for a real Alpha Male. Its only part of the process, he is learning. He is moving. He will always bounce back from failure, learn from the experience and move ahead with life. Nothing holds him back, after all, he is the Alpha male. Nothing can put him down. This is how he overcomes the challenges in his life.
4. He is always composed. An alpha male never loses composure, he is always himself, thoughtful and calculated. He won’t be carried away in emotional spasms.
5. Driven. A real Alpha male is very self- driven and self disciplined. Once he decides his target, all his attention will be at achieving his goal. He will do everything persistently to achieve what he wants. This is also why Alpha males drive women crazy, they are men of their own, they don’t need to be told what they should do. Women prefer men who make the decisions.
6. High morals and values. A true Alpha male is not what we will call a ‘loose’ man. He has high moral principles. He is not abusive or arrogant and does not look down upon others. Many people confuse Alpha males and Bullies. But generally, while bullies are very agressive on the outside, alpha males are very calm, calculated and controlled people.
7. An Alpha male is a natural leader. He is always looked up upon to provide direction when needed.
8. An Alpha male is a Problem Solver. In a company or organization, he will always be put in a challenging position and because of this, he will be highly regarded and compensated. He will always be the best at what he does.
9. Dress- Code- Smart. Not that he really cares what anyone thinks of how he dresses; that is not very important to him. But he still dresses the best way possible, always. Its just part of his nature, after all, he wants the best in life! He doesn’t have to but he knows he should.
10. He believes in growth. He knows that change is an internal process and takes time. He does not blame anyone for his mistakes because he knows that he has the power to make his life better and become a better man. Life for him is all about constant growth. This is the real essence of a man living a life of purpose. Every successful man in history knew this. That life is learning process. It is only an arrogant person who thinks they know it all. Humble yourself and learn!
11. With women he always poses a challenge. No, he is not chosen by women, he CHOOSES them! He does not throw himself at women and start acting needy with women. For him its the other way round. They really have to impress him and earn his attention.
12. A True Alpha male is not bossy. Not at all. He likes to listen to others’ opinions. If he is in a position of leadership he will let everyone share their thoughts and collectively find the solution. That’s why his co- workers love him! His team always wins.
13. He is not afraid to face his faults or admit when he is wrong. For a real Alpha male, there is nothing wrong with admitting when he has done something wrong. Its all about moving on with life, finding a solution, moving forward. If he wronged someone, he will politely admit and apologise, without making a big deal out of it, then move on to the next best thing.
14. He does not have to prove himself. An alpha male is being of very high self esteem, he does not need anyone’s approval to make him feel better about himself.
15. Alpha males are very clever, smart and cunning people. He’s got a real keen mind. He will assess situations and find the best logical solutions. In business alpha males do very well, their analytical skill and keen mind goes a long way.
16. Dominant, not aggressive, Alpha males also posess superior social skills.
17. Social behaviour – Hang out mostly with other alpha males. A true Alpha male finds the most value in hanging out with others like him. He also finds growth in doing this by learning from others who are better than him at one thing or another. That is why he never fails in life, he surrounds himself with people who are either like him or better achieved than him. Those are his company.
18. Physically fit. Alpha males are into healthy living and proper eating. They workout regularly, this also helps them become more focused on their goals and ambitions. This is why most Alpha’s are well built and all masculine.
19. Optimistic. Alpha males will always see the positive side of things and make the best out of what they have. A true Alpha male knows that in every problem there lies therein an opportunity. They just have to find it.

Body Language
20. Alpha males talk slowly. They never rush things, they are always in control. They have a way of having there audience eat at their every word. They know they are important and when they talk they command this importance.
21. They walk slowly, not not lazily. There is a difference. Alpha males are very controlled people. They are not always in a rush like everyone else. An Alpha male will be very disciplined to be on time or earlier for a meeting and well prepared. He will therefor have enough time to observe and think through his strategy.
22. Really Good Communicators. The alpha male is a great communicator both verbal and non-verbal. He shows his feelings through positive body language and is not afraid to show his sexual side. Women love this too – Men who are not wussies at flirting and showing their sexuality. It is not about telling a woman that you love her. Its about Expressing it in body Language and letting her read it with her subconscious mind.
23. Witty. Alpha males have a high sense of humor, they always live on the fun side of life. Its never always too serious fo them.
24. Alpha males know that they are important. When you call them (Unlike Beta males) they will take their time to turn their head and focus on you. You always have to prove worthy of their attention.
25. Alpha males Demonstrate Strength. The kind of strength that will make a woman believe that she is safe with him and that he can protect her when it comes to that. Women are generally the weaker sex, and always look for comfort in Alpha males; men who are dominant.
 

ray_zorse

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Joined
Aug 12, 2014
Messages
1,982
This is a question that comes up quite a lot. And it resonates for me. Well, male groups are quite competitive. You get guys who provide good leadership, but also constantly AMOG you -- and I don't really like this dynamic. A guy who is very secure in himself doesn't really need to AMOG you, and will rely more on least effort to establish his dominance if any. At the same time it's possible to hang out with these guys if your frame is pretty solid and you don't mind being constantly criticized, you can laugh at yourself when you have made a mistake, and/or stick up for yourself when you're just being AMOGed for no reason. I'm thinking of a particular friend here who I have nicknamed "AMOG buddy" in my journal.

If you have a history of being weak and beta within the group, then in my opinion you can't turn it around in any reasonable time. Solution: NEXT. I'm not particularly tied to any one friendship circle these days, in the PAST I didn't consider myself a high value man, so I'd basically be grateful for people who'd let me hang out with them, and any leadership they provided. So I had a problem with NEXTing my friends, because I constantly felt inadequate (like I didn't have an adequate social circle and so on), so I wanted to retain all the friends I possibly could. This is really bad, almost codependent -- you must rationally assess what value each friend provides to your life, and if the value is net negative, NEXT them.

So in answer to your question, how do I become the alpha of the group... NEXT all your social groups, and then do things right next time. How to do things right... well there's a fair bit about this in Chase's ebook, like about using least effort to respond to challenges and so on... but to be a leader you must ALSO provide lots of value to the group. This has been discussed above, e.g. radeng's response. (Or you can be a more selfish guy who responds well to challenges but doesn't explicitly provide lots of value, e.g. Drexel's response). To provide value, do obvious things like: Introducing people to each other who don't know each other, leading discussions, leading social events (move everyone between bars), etc.

Like radeng I strangely find myself in a leadership position quite a lot these days, even though it's not really an ambition, I'm just trying to make things run smoothly. And I do not really consider myself an alpha male at all (I still have lots of beta habits, although more and more frequently I handle a situation like a high value man would, and notice this after the event and feel grateful for my GC training). But I ABSOLUTELY HATE that situation where everyone is congregating outside the bar and nobody can decide what to do next, for example. So I run through the suggestions, canvass any objections anyone might have to those suggestions, make a decision, and then address any objections. People are happy to follow.

Ray
 

HellAtlantic

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 1, 2015
Messages
301
DrexelScott said:
I would encourage guys to shoot for Sigma, rather than Alpha.

Alpha = high school quarterback

Sigma = Han Solo, James Bond, Wolverine

A Sigma is the true lone wolf, who doesn't care one iota about being respected by a group because he is master and King of his own destiny. Ironically, this very quality makes him Alpha to the majority of men anyway, without even trying or paying attention to group dynamics at all.

This is perfect. Love it.
 

George Hustle

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Joined
Aug 1, 2014
Messages
4
Can't quote rn cuz I'm not on my PC but thank you all guys. To the guy saying I should try being James Bond type of wolf, I really like it. One other guy told me to stop trying and caring about what people think. Yeah I did my working to stop giving a fuck about people's opinion and I really couldn't care less about most opinions of the people I meet. Though it's quite different with them. I don't want to find different group since I know them for so long and we're super close and maybe that's the reason I actually care about what they think. In the end I should stop trying and just enjoy my time with them :) Thank you all for your time.
 
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