How do late bloomers happily live life and stop thinking about the lost time

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Well its me again, Altair. As I mentioned in my earlier threads, I am a 21 year old virgin who is almost done with college. As hard as it may be for some to comprehend, I might be the only person on this entire board who is going to finish college a virgin.

My background I gave information to included me being sheltered as a kid, homeschooled in high school, being forced to go to a community college, and then transferring to an "actual university". Needless to say, I got dealt a pretty shitty hand in the game of life. I made a lot of progress in the last 4 years. I went from being shy to actually being able to talk to people, open girls, and being able to be comfortable around attractive women to the point I could talk to them without any problem at all.

Despite all that my social life and sex life has been shit. I have not managed to get laid in college (big university). Some of it has to do with my being a STEM student (sciences and engineering) but there have been other things. My school has a huge Greek scene and I am not in a frat, my school is pretty conservative and I am a minority (libyan), and I have not been able to get into the in crowd at all.

The date nights, wild dorm experience, wild spring breaks, and hot sex that college males in America are used to, I didn't get.

My worry is the mental toll it is going to take on me as I move, improve, and go forward.

I have had sleepless nights thinking about this. Sometimes I get distracted and zone out thinking about this shit. A lot of times I have been angry and had some depressing thoughts just dwelling on this. The problem is that it is so hard for me to describe in just words alone.

It's like in America, college is understood to be the gold mine for everything, mostly experiences. Something about being young and on your own for the first time while winning a date with that cute girl or sleeping with hot girls is just something that I feel you can never have in your life after the age of 21.

Sometimes I think that even if I improve, better my life even more, and keep making an effort, I will never be happy. This stuff has me so depressed that I have had days where I wish I was not even born. It is such a depressing feeling that sometimes it stops me from taking action and truly moving forward. Though I do my usual gym routines and continue to read material put here by Chase I have a tough time not being bitter (which Chase talks about in his lover of women guide). I cannot get myself to truly love women as much and feel some kind of a chip on my shoulder.

I find it so sad that here in America, social life and hot sex end at the age of 22 when you finish college and everyone gets married. Sure you can say people live that experience after college but I feel like it is never the same. I always feel like even if I have sex 100 women after I finish college, it won't do shit for me because I will always have that hole in my life of when I missed out on that one experience almost all young men had.

Like I even fantasize about starting college all over again and living the experience that most guys except for me have.

Is it really possible to get over these scars and depressive thoughts about having missed out on so much?

 

[TheWiseFool]

I'm right there with you man. You're not the only one.

I sorta skimmed through your post after getting the general idea.

My best advice is, do what you can now rather than feeling sorry for yourself. Remember that you are not the only one out there, know that there are people out there who have it worse than you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get yourself off the ground, out the mud, and back into action.

You have these limiting beliefs such as,

I always feel like even if I have sex 100 women after I finish college, it won't do shit for me because I will always have that hole in my life of when I missed out on that one experience almost all young men had.

If you choose to believe it will never be the same, then it will never be the same if you continue to compare yourself to other people. So what if they did and you didn't? Does it make them any better than you? No. Do you think they are a better man than you because they had sex? No. What will having sex in college do for you? Give you an experience? So you can do what? What do you have to prove to yourself about having sex? How will it make you more fulfilled? So you can look back on your life and think, yeah I had sex in college. I am so glad I had the experience. If that's what you want, then so be it man. I support you. I just don't think you should be feeling sorry for yourself like you are right now.

The more you dwell on something the more real it becomes.

You want this redo or you probably want to live in another time, some place else where things will be easier or you'll do it right the next time around. That's not true. Right now is the time. It is the only life you will know of, so do what you can now. You are 21. You are still young. Stop panicking...

You may be a little behind but if you are working on improving yourself in terms of seduction, then you're doing more than the guy who isn't doing anything and is stuck wondering.

Your problem doesn't seem to be a physiological one, but a perceptual one. Modify your perception and you leave thoughts of lost time and will begin to focus on bigger and better things, possibly being able to enjoy the life of a late bloomer.

I personally think being a late bloomer has its advantages. But that's cos I choose to see the good while others see the bad.

You choose to feel the way that you do by thinking about it over and over and over again. Let it go man. You can't do anything about it. It is in the past, so leave it there. It's okay to look back on the negative parts of your past, but if you keep thinking about it, you start living there and end up becoming depressed and insecure and you sulk and raise your fists to the sky yelling, "Why me! Why couldn't you give me the easy way out!?!?!" See the past for what it is, accept it, even appreciate the lessons and warnings it teaches, them ask yourself, "So what am I going to do now?" You either choose to continue doing what you've always done and receiving the same result, or you change and create a beautiful and fulfilling life.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Wisefool:

It seems like the more action I take, the worse I feel. Here is what I mean.

I took action by reading the material on this site. One of the posts I read was PUA vs Natural or something. One part of the post said you will never have the same opportunity that you had in college and it almost broke me. Then I also read uplifting blogs but when the talk of college comes up they all say the same thing. College is all that, it is the time to get laid, it is the time to have wild experiences, and "being out on your own". This shit is breaking me down mentally to the point I am becoming depressed and anti-social. Like it is making me into a really dark person on the inside that I do not like but it is just happening without me being able to do anything about it.

I think so what if I become a millionaire tomorrow, own a nice yacht, and fuck some models, it still won't be the same as being a college kid and doing it. I won't have the same validation and sense of fulfillment of fucking a hot sorority girl because the sense of community will be gone. Like no matter what I do I will never have that social circle of cool friends or hot girls into me, it will never be a part of my life. A fear that I will always be alone and never get to enjoy life like others my age did. I will never have close friends because of course this is America and after college making friends, having close relationships, and being a part of an awesome social circle goes right out the fucking window.

It's like slowly but surely I can see what makes some men so sexually frustrated to the point that they are a pain in the ass to be around. As much as I said that I would not be that guy I see myself turning into that guy.

 

[TheWiseFool]

The thing is, you are believing all these people's words and letting them rule your mind. No one has control over what you believe but you.

you will never have the same opportunity that you had in college and it almost broke me.

This guy is right, the opportunity is gone because time has passed and you've grown and evolved. A new opportunity presents itself. You have more experience, you are smarter or wiser, your physique is healthier and better looking.

College is all that, it is the time to get laid, it is the time to have wild experiences, and "being out on your own".

Ask questions. Is it the time to get laid? Is it really? No, it's just an opportunity. There are more opportunities.
"Being out on your own". What the hell does that even mean? Am I going to be living with my parents forever? Hell no, there are the years after college when you are alone. Again, I think you missed it, your perception. Ask yourself, "What do I want?" Then ask yourself, "How do I get there?" Right out the plan, as detailed as you can so that it becomes as real as it can get. Then take the first step in making your plan come true by taking action. Sitting and moping and letting these thoughts eat at you won't get you anywhere.

I think so what if I become a millionaire tomorrow, own a nice yacht, and fuck some models, it still won't be the same as being a college kid and doing it.

That is true. You'll be a millionnaire... not a college kid. You have money as a millionaire and the college kid may not. Do you think the girls will like you any less? Not if you hide your money and live a life that comes off as some average joe who has an average life, but is secretly rich.

Like no matter what I do I will never have that social circle of cool friends or hot girls into me, it will never be a part of my life. A fear that I will always be alone and never get to enjoy life like others my age did. I will never have close friends because of course this is America and after college making friends, having close relationships, and being a part of an awesome social circle goes right out the fucking window.

It isn't too late man. You are 21, not 22, but 21. You have 1 year left to change it all around. Definitely talk to Anatman or read up on his posts. And I can't believe I'm saying this but.... if you really want to stay in college, then change your major so you can stay longer and waste more money trying to have sex with girls in college. How ridiculous does that sound right? But if you really want that experience than no price tag can be placed on it.

I can go on and on man, but you need to change your mindset. That is the main problem I see in this post and the last one. You didn't listen to my post and continue to encourage your behavior of limiting beliefs and victim mentality. I suggest reading Chase's articles regarding victim mentality.

If my words aren't working, the best teacher is time and experience. One day you'll understand and then you will look back and laugh, "I can't believe I used to think like this." So, if my words don't help, I wish you luck.

Change your perception and you change your world.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

My perception is not due to the result but the satisfaction from it.

Think of it this way, say a guy can pull a 10 at any point in his life. One guy does it at 30 when he is rich and successful, the other does it at 20 when he is just a college kid in some frat. What I feel like is that 20 year old will have a 10 times better feeling than the 30 year old will because he did it at such a young age. There is so much about being young that I feel like I missed out on.

What hurts me the most is the sense of community most people get with college that I did not. I fear that living in America I will never have that sense of community no matter what I do. The main thing that is killing me on the inside is that feeling of being successful but not being satisfied because of what is on the inside. My fear that if I become more successful in the future, the emptiness I had as a teenager and through most of my college career will haunt me for the rest of my life.

For example, I ALWAYS wanted to fuck a sorority girl. I know after college that is not possible because they are cliquish and only fuck guys who are a part of their circle. Like I know that if I become some famous actor at the age of 30, I will still never get the opportunity to have a one night stand with the kind of hot girls I see daily in yoga pants and sorority shirts.

I guess it is hard for me to explain it and mostly because I am breaking down right now as I post this. I am going to hit the gym in a few minutes and see if that cures anything.....

 

[Franco]

Altair,

I took action by reading the material on this site. One of the posts I read was PUA vs Natural or something. One part of the post said you will never have the same opportunity that you had in college and it almost broke me.

The same article also said this...

Sure, you can go get a job working in a college bar, or go live on a party island somewhere (one of my friends spent a year living in Koh Phangan, Thailand, home of the Full Moon Party, and had an understandably wild set of life experiences there), but most people aren't going to do this because they have other priorities in their lives and partying / sex / girls simply isn't #1.

There are three important things in my life at the moment: women/sex, work, and partying (and of course I give my family any extra time I have in between all of this). I give equal value to ALL of those. I live in San Diego because I can easily work my way into all of them. It really depends what you want out of life. If women and sex has become number one for you, then you need to treat it like number one and put in all the effort you can to maximize your happiness from it. That includes moving (which we've already discussed).

MOST people put other priorities before partying/sex/girls, but I don't to be honest. It's on an equal level with my career as far as I'm concerned, and I make sure to give both areas an equal amount of respect.

I also mentioned that my life after college has been MUCH crazier than my life in it, and I was in a fraternity for awhile and went to many parties in college. It's all about what you make of it, so don't think that it's not possible, because that is certainly a false statement.

You simply have to find out how to get it and go after it. =)

- Franco

 

[TheWiseFool]

Altair,

What is stopping you from developing a great social life, sleeping with the sorority girl(s), the "perfect 10"?

 

[Nova]

here altair, i got you something

don't worry about time and age, its all bullshit you have to be more clever than that. doesn't matter when you bang a college girl its always good. but try to do it soon, because why not?

 

[Estate]

Ok... Altair... see post above and go get that chill pill man.

Your definitely not the only guy to leave college a virgin. Half the guys in college talking about getting laid are talking BS anyway.

But I'm reading your posts and it's all about how you are the victim. I mean. I identify a lot with your experiences but I'm now 29. When I was 21 I didn't have that wild party experience but I just never knew how to get it. I can't even comprehend how you are thinking about lost time at just 21. My life has changed so much since I was 21... college seems like some little blip on the radar. It was a different life. It just has no impact on my life now.

I mean... I already wrote the story of myself in the other thread. I could equally say I don't fit in my surroundings. Like you I was an engineering student. Like you I had the reputation which came with it. I was never in the clubs or societies, I wasn't with the "in" crowd. I could go on and on with the similarities. I couldn't tell you how frustrating it seemed at the time.
But 8 years later... It doesn't matter zip.

The only biggest realization I had was that I had done all the "right" things up to my early/mid twenties and now thought it was time I got my rewards. But quickly learned the world doesn't work like that. Just like all those years I spent working hard to top my class. I now had to work hard to get the social life and date the women I wanted. Nobody would do it for me.

Also.. another bitter pill I had to swallow. I was not and am not perfect. I have many many flaws just like everyone else. The world is t against me. The hand I was dealt seemed shot but it really wasnt. I did not do early in life what I should have done to get this social life earlier.
Many of those flaws are totally fixable. And I have fixed them. I was a quiet and shy kid. Even when I started being more social... I was awkward and weird and I had to accept that I needed to work on it. Not blame others for not accepting me. The issues were with ME but hard work fixed them.
An even harder pill to swallow os that some of the flaws? You'll never fix. We're all just human and nobody is perfect. Not you not me. Some people will see our flaws and not being interested in knowing us. Some people will be endeared by them, but we'll never change their opinions. And to those people... f*** them. You can't please everyone. But it's almost kinda liberating to realize you do t need to be everything everyone wants. Just be what you want to be.

 

[Ross]

Let go of the past. You can't change it.

Focus on the present and the future.

 

[metomeya]

I didn't leave college a virgin...but I was a virgin until 23.

I am very bitter about my past too (got screw over very badly, like lied to and manipulated, by some loved one in major life decisions).

If you make life badass in the present you won't think about the past. Also, it isn't college you are upset about (no one has it as good as the movies make it out to be), but the lost opportunities. You can create those opportunities now!

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I read Chase's post about the victim mentality yet again as I have many times. Reflecting back on my short time in this forum I realize that I have had the victim mentality. It is not as severe as it used to be years ago as I have actively worked on improving it for quite sometime now.

One of the main things I blame on my circumstances include not being raised to be social, being sheltered, homeschooled, and being in a town with barely any girls that were even remotely cute (they were there but hard to find and usually married).

Then I started to look back and see even though my circumstances were far less than ideal, I had a chance. I had the chance to make cool friends but I was too busy, I had some chances to lose my virginity to girls I was attracted to but I made the mistakes, and I had my chance to somewhat live the life but I did not take it because I took too long developing. Now I know I probably won't get to enjoy the life of a cool frat boy in college so instead I am thinking of other ways to get what I want.

Looking back at it, I know I got dealt a bad hand in life but there were ways to make the most of it which I did not do. Now I turned 21 about 2 months ago, IMO that is somewhat old to be living the frat boy lifestyle and where I live (TN) a lot of girls are already becoming marriage minded around this age (just how things work here, I know its strange). I am not going to feel sorry for myself about life anymore, I am going to take action.

For some reason a search engine brought me to an article on this site, I saw the forums, ran across good threads, and I decided to join it. I am going to post a thread on the Beginners section soon which highlights my circumstances and based on those will ask you guys to give feedback and advise me on how I can get a better romantic life.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Altair,

What is stopping you from developing a great social life, sleeping with the sorority girl(s), the "perfect 10"?

Well here are a few things:

- I have a busy schedule and am an engineering major with tough classes
- My time management skills are mediocre, used to be poor (that I can fix)
- I came into my college late as a transfer from CC so the circles formed early on

As for the sorority girls and 10s

- I am comfortable talking to girls but am inexperienced sexually and romantically
- I am in Tennessee and look very foreign (middle eastern)
- The sorority girls here all go for the guys who look White Anglo and going for other groups is unheard of

I know I won't get the perfect 10 starting out but I can still better my circumstances which I intend to do. As I said on the previous post there will be a thread where I highlight where I am right now and where I want to be and I believe the members of GC can help lead me down that path.

 

[Estate]

Sorry man but having read all of your posts lately I've got to tell you...

Meeting women, sleeping with them, having a girlfriend, or whatever... is not the root cause and cure to all life's problems. It's really not. It sounds like you need to sort out other stuff before you would even be able to participate in a healthy relationship with a woman and keep her.

Sorry to be harsh but I've been there.

Even when admitting to being in a victims mentality your still saying you've been dealt a shit hand. Sorry man but some of us have had it much worse than you've described yourself but we got through it and came out better for it. Nothing is handed to you on a plate.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Sorry man but having read all of your posts lately I've got to tell you...

Meeting women, sleeping with them, having a girlfriend, or whatever... is not the root cause and cure to all life's problems. It's really not. It sounds like you need to sort out other stuff before you would even be able to participate in a healthy relationship with a woman and keep her.

Sorry to be harsh but I've been there.

Even when admitting to being in a victims mentality your still saying you've been dealt a shit hand. Sorry man but some of us have had it much worse than you've described yourself but we got through it and came out better for it. Nothing is handed to you on a plate.

and its not really my goal for now

I am terrible at wording things and getting it across. What I was trying to say was even though I had what I perceived to be a shit hand, I failed to make the most of it. Had I made the most of it I would have been in a much better place now so ultimately it all falls on me, it is my fault. But I don't want to make those same mistakes again and I want to start enjoying my life more, experience more success with social life and the opposite sex rather than looking back at all the misery.

There are some things I don't feel like sharing on here which have made me miserable in the past, reason being I think I have plagued this forum with enough negativity in my short stay and believe that needs to change.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Some of us are motivated with gentle inspiration, some of us recover with a hard push - none of these worked for me(I didn't lose my virginity until halfway through Freshman year of college). And small/medium doses don't seem to have an effect on you, either.

What did work for me? I declared the Anatman of High School a husk of weakness and self-pity. I ripped him to fucking shreds, ate his goddamned guts, and shit out the worthlessness that I used to be.

I decided to stop being a fucking faggot.

Thus, I advise to you, with genuinely all the love in the world, to take the path I did.





Stop being a fucking faggot.








Anatman

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I am in my mid 20s and I grew up in Kansas which has a lot of similarities to a southern state. People are very religious, mostly intolerant, and everyone gets married at an early age. A lot of the people I went to high school with are now either married or engaged. Lost my virginity in high school to an emo girl and was never a part of the "in crowd", and I am White btw. My college experience was a wreck. Went to college on some scholarships, worked to make ends meet, and was not a part of the "in crowd" even though I tried to be. Needless to say I missed out on the "college experience".

The college I went to was your typical 4 year university, division 1a, and had a big sports program. Greek Life was a huge part of the campus, most of the hot girls you saw were in sororities as well. There was a clear social hierarchy, if you were not in a fraternity or didn't play sports, the only way you could get some action from the hot girls is if you brought an apartment and threw parties there.

OP if you are in a similar school, then I know what you are going through right now. You see all these hot girls who are likely a part of some sorority, have all the balls in the world to talk to them, but then you realize they aren't interested. They all want the athletes or the frat boy. Then you have the media and the internet hyping up college to be one giant fuckfest (which it isn't for most people!) for young people and as someone who isn't a part of the "in crowd" you constantly have to hear this and end up feeling sorry for yourself. Then there is that huge push in American society to "GROW UP" after you are done with college because everyone (especially in your location) gets married after college.

And there you are, trapped in-between the fucking propaganda.

My advice is, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND RELAX!

Sometimes a less than ideal past is erased when good experiences pile up. I have been on dates with girls that I would have been lucky to have in college (recently went on a date with a blonde bombshell) and I have had the opportunity to hang out with guys who were just cool dudes.

Struggles in life make rewards fulfilling. A guy who grew up in poverty and then grows up to own a Lamborghini will enjoy it a lot more than a guy who was a trust fund baby and had fancy sports cars for his birthday.

Keep working and shut out the noise. Look straight, don't look back, and just focus on yourself. Find a goal that will earn you money and pursue it. When you get there you will enjoy the rewards so much that you won't even remember the past as much. Look at it this way too, right now you are 21 and stuck in the past. If you don't take action then you will be a 25 year old wondering what he could have done at 21. I know social opportunities with hot girls might not be possible in your situation so find a hobby, I recommend taking up some kind of a contact sport.

Continue to be social with kids you can be social with, the geeky guy who needs friends, the average looking girl that is sitting alone, or the foreign kid who has a hard time fitting in. Who knows, maybe one of these people will grow into being successful too and you can have some interesting experiences to share when you have both made it!

 

[Chase]

Looking back at it, I know I got dealt a bad hand in life but there were ways to make the most of it which I did not do. Now I turned 21 about 2 months ago, IMO that is somewhat old to be living the frat boy lifestyle and where I live (TN) a lot of girls are already becoming marriage minded around this age (just how things work here, I know its strange). I am not going to feel sorry for myself about life anymore, I am going to take action.

For some reason a search engine brought me to an article on this site, I saw the forums, ran across good threads, and I decided to join it. I am going to post a thread on the Beginners section soon which highlights my circumstances and based on those will ask you guys to give feedback and advise me on how I can get a better romantic life.

Great realizations, Altair. Realizing that there are things you could have done with your past that you did not do is key to really getting past victim mentality. It's one of the main signs that you're breaking free from it, too - guys who are still trapped deep within it won't let themselves see those opportunities they had and didn't seize at all, because it shatters the notion of themselves as victims if they do.

You know, back when I was in university and just sitting around with nothing to do all day, I used to spend a lot of time reflecting about the past and thinking about how tragic it was that I'd missed out on so many good times in the past that others had enjoyed, whether that was my fault or the world's fault. 6 months into getting really active with approaching new women, all that was gone for good. I had one momentary relapse a few years later when breaking up with my longest-term girlfriend at the time and not knowing if I'd meet another girl like that and spending all this time revisiting how we met and got together and the adventures we shared, but after that I just started meeting really amazing women by the barrel and never had cause to spend much time reminiscing over past girlfriends or missed opportunities or anything like that.

Worst for me NOW is looking back on girls at various points that I *almost* slept with and didn't, and it'd be trivial for me to pull the trigger NOW, and every time I look back on those it's, "Ohhhh, what an idiot I was. How did I miss sleeping with that girl? We were in bed and she wanted it! Argh..." But that's more a laugh-and-shake-your-head kind of painful than the mournful nostalgia of lamenting past lost opportunities I used to have when I was young and not action-oriented. But as soon as you can find another girl who reminds you of the one you messed up with and sleep with her, even that sting numbs and goes away.

These days when I run into the folks from my past (pretty rare), they're all in the same places doing the same things and their lives pretty much stopped after high school or college for all I can tell. I bet they spend most of their time looking back on those days and thinking about how great they were and wishing the good times could have continued forever.

I never even think about those times; I enjoy the present, and I REALLY look forward to the future.

Whether your past is great or horrible, it does you no good to dwell on it for too long; you can't do it over if it was bad, and you can't get it back if it was good. But if you're focused on doing the things you want today, and building toward even more awesome times in the future, the past becomes a good source of lessons and history, but aside from that you pay it no mind.

And if something is ever really bugging you and stuck in your mind, then stop thinking about the past version of it and go bring it into your present and future instead.

Chase

 

[Franco]

But if you're focused on doing the things you want today, and building toward even more awesome times in the future, the past becomes a good source of lessons and history, but aside from that you pay it no mind.

Building off of Chase's last point here, envision yourself having that life with beautiful women and what it would be like to live that life. Every time you get a negative thought, envision an amazing future in your head and remind yourself what you are working toward.

After you've really put some hard work into it, there's a certain point in the process where you realize that that future is actually obtainable. It takes awhile to get there, but once it starts hitting you that you're actually approaching that vision, your motivation tends to increase tenfold and you start driving even faster toward it.

- Franco

 

[jlefrench]

Oh cool, thanks Chase for commenting. I was having my own problems, being older than normal college age, quarter-life crisis lol etc. It's nice to know to get that reminder to not whine about things.

As for you Altair, its funny because I was in nearly the same boat two years ago at 21. I was homeschooled until 10th grade, dark-skinned in an all-white highschool etc. I was a virgin until mid-way through freshman year like one of the other guys. And yeah it got depressing and or confusing, one time I was actually in underwear in bed with a girl and we just talked all night. Didn't even kiss her. Needless to say, never heard from her again. It wasn't until seeing some of the articles on this site did I begin to realize that our perspectives on women and sexuality is so far off. I'm definitely still a beginner but what I would say to you is just take risks. Take any risk you can, just do everything. If you think you should try and kiss a girl, do it. You must be at least intelligent if you are in engineering also, so chances are, whatever your instincts tell you to do, will be right. I have been with 10-12 girls so far and not all of them were the best experience but until you get through that awkward stage it's best to take everything and then once you are comfortable its amazing how easy it is to get that ONE girl you see at the party. I could go on but basically at this point we are only being held back by ourselves and so once you remove yourself as an obstacle you will start getting plenty of girls to bed.