How do you deep dive effectively?

[Arnav]

Context:
i was taking a writing course and I met a girl there on the first day. At the end of the class we decide to head back home in a public bus together since we were going through the same route.

[I made some light conversation in the begining and that went fine]
[ this gril is very pretty and seems excited and really happy in my presence, I can feel the chemistry]

=========

Here is an excerpt of from my deep diving conversation

My deep diving:
( this an excerpt from my deep diving, I made some light conversations in the begining and they went fine)

Me:So you told me you're a dancer
She: yesss.
Me: so what got you into, dancing?
she: my mother put me in the dance classes when i was young. to get me a hobby.
Me: okay, so why do you like dancing?
She: It's very calming it makes me forget all my worries and stress.
(she says with a big beaming smile)
Me: I see.
( my mind goes blank from here on I don't know what to say or how to continue the deep dive, so I look at her with a pleaseant smile then naturally get back to myself and after a few moments start looking outside the bus window at the passing scenery.)

=========
Does someone know how do you continue the deep dive beyond one or 2 questions and what do you do or say after her answers?

 

[Will_V]

Have you read the article on deep diving?

Context:
i was taking a writing course and I met a girl there on the first day.

If your writing course involves fiction, it has probably taught you that writing is not about the 'what' i.e. facts, but about the emotion, the meaning, and the experience of things.

When you write characters, it is always not just about the events of the story, but the development of the character as they went through those events.

Deep diving is, in a sense, enabling someone to weave a dramatic story from the events of their life, with them as the main character. You have to use your imagination to evoke, reflect, and guide them through that story.

At the end of the class we decide to head back home in a public bus together since we were going through the same route.

[I made some light conversation in the begining and that went fine]
[ this gril is very pretty and seems excited and really happy in my presence, I can feel the chemistry]

=========

Here is an excerpt of from my deep diving conversation

My deep diving:
( this an excerpt from my deep diving, I made some light conversations in the begining and they went fine)

Me:So you told me you're a dancer
She: yesss.
Me: so what got you into, dancing?

This is a great starting point, you are not focusing on what she is, but why she is doing it.

she: my mother put me in the dance classes when i was young. to get me a hobby.
Me: okay, so why do you like dancing?

Not bad, generally it's best not to drop different questions one after the other, or to basically repeat the same question without a specific implication, it creates a sense that she is either not being listened to or not understood. It's better to absorb what she says, read between the lines, and comment on what is behind the thing she said.

In this case, she says that her mother put her onto it. You might wonder at this point if she is doing it because she wants to or to please her mother. So you could maybe tweak your response to "Is it something you love doing?". That way, if she wanted to express anything ambiguous about it, she could.

She: It's very calming it makes me forget all my worries and stress.
(she says with a big beaming smile)

Very good, that's exactly the purpose of deep diving, to get her to connect emotionally with herself, through you.

Me: I see.
( my mind goes blank from here on I don't know what to say or how to continue the deep dive, so I look at her with a pleaseant smile then naturally get back to myself and after a few moments start looking outside the bus window at the passing scenery.)

So you dropped the ball here. This is where you have to use a little bit of imagination and quick wit on your feet. It's always better to say something, anything, even something completely random, than to let a conversation die like that.

If you can't think of anything to say, the easiest thing is to simply rephrase what she said as a question.

"So it makes you feel very relaxed?" or "How does it help you relax?" Prompt her to continue.

Or you could focus on the other side of what she said - is she always stressed out? Does she have a busy life? Is she always worried about things? Not every part of a deep dive needs to be about something super pleasant, as long as it's meaningful. By watching her as she talks and responds to your questions, you can tell when a conversational path is satisfying, unpleasant, or meaningless for her to go down.

 

[Arnav]

Have you read the article on deep diving?



If your writing course involves fiction, it has probably taught you that writing is not about the 'what' i.e. facts, but about the emotion, the meaning, and the experience of things.

When you write characters, it is always not just about the events of the story, but the development of the character as they went through those events.

Deep diving is, in a sense, enabling someone to weave a dramatic story from the events of their life, with them as the main character. You have to use your imagination to evoke, reflect, and guide them through that story.



This is a great starting point, you are not focusing on what she is, but why she is doing it.



Not bad, generally it's best not to drop different questions one after the other, or to basically repeat the same question without a specific implication, it creates a sense that she is either not being listened to or not understood. It's better to absorb what she says, read between the lines, and comment on what is behind the thing she said.

In this case, she says that her mother put her onto it. You might wonder at this point if she is doing it because she wants to or to please her mother. So you could maybe tweak your response to "Is it something you love doing?". That way, if she wanted to express anything ambiguous about it, she could.



Very good, that's exactly the purpose of deep diving, to get her to connect emotionally with herself, through you.



So you dropped the ball here. This is where you have to use a little bit of imagination and quick wit on your feet. It's always better to say something, anything, even something completely random, than to let a conversation die like that.

If you can't think of anything to say, the easiest thing is to simply rephrase what she said as a question.

"So it makes you feel very relaxed?" or "How does it help you relax?" Prompt her to continue.

Or you could focus on the other side of what she said - is she always stressed out? Does she have a busy life? Is she always worried about things? Not every part of a deep dive needs to be about something super pleasant, as long as it's meaningful. By watching her as she talks and responds to your questions, you can tell when a conversational path is satisfying, unpleasant, or meaningless for her to go down.

Have you read the article on deep diving?



If your writing course involves fiction, it has probably taught you that writing is not about the 'what' i.e. facts, but about the emotion, the meaning, and the experience of things.

When you write characters, it is always not just about the events of the story, but the development of the character as they went through those events.

Deep diving is, in a sense, enabling someone to weave a dramatic story from the events of their life, with them as the main character. You have to use your imagination to evoke, reflect, and guide them through that story.



This is a great starting point, you are not focusing on what she is, but why she is doing it.



Not bad, generally it's best not to drop different questions one after the other, or to basically repeat the same question without a specific implication, it creates a sense that she is either not being listened to or not understood. It's better to absorb what she says, read between the lines, and comment on what is behind the thing she said.

In this case, she says that her mother put her onto it. You might wonder at this point if she is doing it because she wants to or to please her mother. So you could maybe tweak your response to "Is it something you love doing?". That way, if she wanted to express anything ambiguous about it, she could.



Very good, that's exactly the purpose of deep diving, to get her to connect emotionally with herself, through you.



So you dropped the ball here. This is where you have to use a little bit of imagination and quick wit on your feet. It's always better to say something, anything, even something completely random, than to let a conversation die like that.

If you can't think of anything to say, the easiest thing is to simply rephrase what she said as a question.

"So it makes you feel very relaxed?" or "How does it help you relax?" Prompt her to continue.

Or you could focus on the other side of what she said - is she always stressed out? Does she have a busy life? Is she always worried about things? Not every part of a deep dive needs to be about something super pleasant, as long as it's meaningful. By watching her as she talks and responds to your questions, you can tell when a conversational path is satisfying, unpleasant, or meaningless for her to go down.

Meanimgfull, that's the word I was looking for. Having conversations on topics that are MEANINGFULL to HER.

Inwas hoping the deep dive would have much longer responses and a lot more detailed sharing. Instead I got answers with like 3-4 sentences

Inwas hoping it would go
Maybe something like.

Her: yes my mother put me in the dance classes when I was young. I didn't really like it much back then, I was really nervous and scarred the first day everyone was so much better than me. But slowly I have come to love it.
See here is one of my performances.
Me: that looks really good.
She: yeah i really love it now, one of closest friend also practices here. We are preparing for a dance competiton, and its really hard to win, and I am little nervous. I hope I do well.
Me: you will be fine, I am sure you're a great dancer.
She: yeah, I really hope I win, i haven't performed at a big dance event with so many people, I amo so nervous and a little excited too.

it would be so amazing if we won. I really want to be on the stage standing with my best friend with the winners trophy.
everyone would be cheering us, and our parents will be in the crowd beaming with pride.

this is sort of what a good deep dive feels like in my head, am i wrong?

I have seen girls pouring their hearts to some guys like this, sharing deep emotions quite fast,

but I have to keep asking questions and keeping the deep dive mechanically along a guard rail, I dont get these long heartfelt answers.

Any ideas how to get these girls sharing lot more extensively deeply?

 

[Will_V]

Inwas hoping the deep dive would have much longer responses and a lot more detailed sharing. Instead I got answers with like 3-4 sentences

Inwas hoping it would go
Maybe something like.

Her: yes my mother put me in the dance classes when I was young. I didn't really like it much back then, I was really nervous and scarred the first day everyone was so much better than me. But slowly I have come to love it.
See here is one of my performances.
Me: that looks really good.
She: yeah i really love it now, one of closest friend also practices here. We are preparing for a dance competiton, and its really hard to win, and I am little nervous. I hope I do well.
Me: you will be fine, I am sure you're a great dancer.
She: yeah, I really hope I win, i haven't performed at a big dance event with so many people, I amo so nervous and a little excited too.

it would be so amazing if we won. I really want to be on the stage standing with my best friend with the winners trophy.
everyone would be cheering us, and our parents will be in the crowd beaming with pride.

this is sort of what a good deep dive feels like in my head, am i wrong?

That is an unusual amount of sharing for a girl to do early on.

How much she opens up to you, and how fast, depends on a bunch of things.

First of all, there's you - are you the sort of person other people feel comfortable opening up to fast? The article I linked mentioned some of the things that help you be that. And it's not as simple as being a pleasant and positive person - a lot of people use pleasantness and positivity to hide themselves from the world, and the subconscious can usually sense such things. The most effective thing I believe is to be someone who is deeply uninhibited, self-aware, and non-judgemental about themselves. Not in the bs way that people often talk about those things, but in a realist way. Accepting all the beautiful, filthy, and confusing things about the human condition alike. When you are that person, other people just know that you are able to accept them as they are.

Then there is her. Is she in a self-reflective or self-representing mode? Sometimes you meet a girl sitting on a park bench in the twilight thinking over her life, and you are the perfect non-consequential opportunity to put that story to words. Other times you meet her on her way to a some social event and she's covering her real identity with ten feet of smiles and pleasantry.

Usually, people are not used to sharing a lot with others, because they aren't rewarded for it, sometimes quite the contrary - most people they will meet are highly judgemental, looking for any opportunity to make themselves feel better relative to others. It often takes some time for her to realize that she can behave differently with you. So getting short responses in the beginning is fine, just keep nudging her along, rewarding her at each step, and soon enough she'll relax and let her social guard down.

I have seen girls pouring their hearts to some guys like this, sharing deep emotions quite fast,

but I have to keep asking questions and keeping the deep dive mechanically along a guard rail, I dont get these long heartfelt answers.

Any ideas how to get these girls sharing lot more extensively deeply?

Practice deep diving regularly. Be curious about people, read about them, watch them, learn about them. The same way that a woman can smell the difference between a guy who is getting pussy and one who isn't, they can smell the difference between someone who is used to having other people open up to them, and one who isn't.

During the deep dive, the main thing is to make her feel like she's being understood and rewarded as she opens up to you, and not to break the flow or pop the tension.

 

[Arnav]

making her feel understood, I see. So smthng like this-

Her: i like dance because it relives stress and anxiety and I feel free.

Me: oh okay , so it' like you step into your dance studio, the music starts playing and this rythm starts moving through you and you are washed in these lively emotions which elevate your experience from the mundande drugery of your everyday life.


( so I should have said something like this instead of -

Her: i like dance because it relives stress and anxiety and I feel free.
me: okay, I see)

This would have made her felt understood and she would have opened up a lot more?

 

[Will_V]

making her feel understood, I see. So smthng like this-

Her: i like dance because it relives stress and anxiety and I feel free.

Me: oh okay , so it' like you step into your dance studio, the music starts playing and this rythm starts moving through you and you are washed in these lively emotions which elevate your experience from the mundande drugery of your everyday life.

You've got the right idea, when you can reflect back to her in your own words what she's said, and maybe even expand a little bit, she really feels like you're there with her.

Careful not to go overboard with your wording (like saying that her everyday life is mundane drudgery, that might not land so well). You're just there to guide her along.

( so I should have said something like this instead of -

Her: i like dance because it relives stress and anxiety and I feel free.
me: okay, I see)

Yeah, 'I see' usually means 'I don't see'.

This would have made her felt understood and she would have opened up a lot more?

Yes.

 

[Arnav]

You've got the right idea, when you can reflect back to her in your own words what she's said, and maybe even expand a little bit, she really feels like you're there with her.

Careful not to go overboard with your wording (like saying that her everyday life is mundane drudgery, that might not land so well). You're just there to guide her along.



Yeah, 'I see' usually means 'I don't see'.



Yes.

Okay, I understand this much better now. Thanks!!