How do you know a girl is really down for it?

[kristian]

One challenge I am encountering recently is weeding out the ones who are time wasters from the ones that really want to be with me.

Sure, having pretty girls wanting to hang out with me feels rewarding. Especially after working on myself the last year.

But I just want to spend time with girls that are looking for intimacy.

From yesterday's FU:
I ask this girl from extended social circle out (met her at a convention a year ago). I ramp up my sexual vibe just before asking her out. I invite her straight to my place and even make her buy a bottle of wine. I spend one hour escalating things, making her comfortable, deep diving and so on before going for the kiss.

I even tell her that I like her but don't feel its mutual to give her the chance to save things if she in fact was interested and just reserved. She give me an explanation about just leaving a relationship and not ready to get involved. I spend the last 45-minutes trying to get some helpful info to learn from, before warmly letting her go.

It could be that attraction expired, but I don't think so. I couldn't have moved any faster. I couldn't have been more forward with my intentions (a lover).

It could be that I wasn't smooth enough, but I am not in any shape or form to make cold girls warm up. At least not consistently.

So that leave me to one thing; finding the girls that are really glad that I move fast and ramp up my sexual vibe. And analyzing my successes I see that these girls really appreciated my forwardness and sexual intentions.

Is there any way to reliably find these girls? Do I need to polarize more? If so, how do I do this?

Or are time wasters just a part of the game, no matter how you run things?

Any insight or thoughts would be helpful.

 

[Richard]

Kristian,

I've followed a few of your posts and I'm happy to see that you analyze your own reports, have ideas about what mistakes you're making and then come up with solutions - it's really refreshing to see! What I've gathered from your last few posts is that you seem to be wanting to learn about same day lays or within-a-few-days sex?

One and Two

If you're interested, take a look at the same day lays I wrote reports about.

Anyhow, onto my actual response:

Time-wasters are definitely a part of the game. If you're moving fast and building sexual tension then you're doing a lot to screen out the uninterested girls but a few will always slip through the cracks for various reasons; in this girl's case I'd say that she was looking to have fun and make a new connection without having sex and that's typically how girls slip through the cracks because they're looking for something similar to what you are but are head-strong on turning down sex or it takes too long to get to sex and they rationalize and say "No." Other times, girls are open but attraction dies somewhere along the lines, etc. All kinds of things can happen with women.

Honestly, the route you're trying to take with women is very difficult to pull off and you've already explained why; when you're building an intimate connection with a girl then she shows resistance to sleeping with you, and if you're pushing for sex then usually the girls are ones who don't satisfy the intimacy you're looking for.

I ask this girl from extended social circle out (met her at a convention a year ago). I ramp up my sexual vibe just before asking her out. I invite her straight to my place and even make her buy a bottle of wine. I spend one hour escalating things, making her comfortable, deep diving and so on before going for the kiss.

Can you clarify this bit; did she go to your place with the wine and then you spent an hour escalating, deep diving, etc? If she decided to go to your place then you don't need to spend an hour making her comfortable... she is already comfortable enough to go to your place and at that point it's your job to seduce her fast.

I even tell her that I like her but don't feel its mutual to give her the chance to save things if she in fact was interested and just reserved. She give me an explanation about just leaving a relationship and not ready to get involved. I spend the last 45-minutes trying to get some helpful info to learn from, before warmly letting her go.

Again, if this was said while she was at your place then it's a mistake because you're surrendering your frame of being a lover (which is viewed as dominant, etc.) and you're giving her an easy out by saying "I don't feel it's mutual" because at that point she can just say "Yeah, I guess it's not" and then she gets away clean. As for the "just left a relationship" bit she gave you it's more than likely true but it's become an excuse. My gut feeling is that she wanted you to fuck her but you took a long time to get there and by the time you were ready she lost interest and her logical brain kicked back in and rationalized "I just got out of a relationship, I shouldn't be doing this."

This is all based on my assumption that those two quotes were written within the context of her being at your place. If that's the case then you don't need to polarize more or become more smooth because girls are coming to your place already. Maybe be a little more daring and push the boundaries with women more, though. You'll see that I do that a lot with women in a goofy and fun way and sometimes I get completely blown out of the water (which is fine) and sometimes girls eat it up and attraction skyrockets (which is also fine).

EDIT: I'd also say this one last thing - don't forget to have fun with women, buddy. If you get so caught up on doing things the right way, and being a perfect technician then you'll lose out on a lot of the intimacy that you're looking for which is something I know from personal experience. The way you talk about seduction sounds very step-by-step(ish) which I think is wrong; it shows when you say "I spend one hour escalating things, making her comfortable, deep diving and so on before going for the kiss." That's a process and when it comes to people, utilizing a process strips away authenticity, fun, and intimacy.

Basically, if you want to just get laid then you using a process is fine. If you want intimacy then it's not fine.

-Richard

 

[kristian]

Amazing reports, Richard. I like the way you're showing your sexual vibe and how you use playfulness to take out some of the seriousness and still have that tension. I am playing a bit around with sexual tension and starting to get a grasp on it and how to use it playfully.

It seems like your successes is a combination of humor, sexual tension, and logistics. But it also seems like all these are build around your vibe (which is great). Is your vibe dependent on past successes or do you build it on your own? If so, how do you do this?

And to the actual interaction with the girl, the reason I was spending some time building comfort was that she was very nervous. It seemed like she was trying to say all the right things to impress me and her body was really tense. I tried to make her comfortable by playfully flirting with her (chase frame) and building comfort. It did not seem to work. If a girl likes me, she really responds well to my advances, this girl, however, deflected all my forwardness, despite being a lot more open when I asked her out the day before.

But she was also following my lead when I moved her around. I decided to get a beer at the nearest bar before going to my place (in order to make her relax and then swithching environments). This could be some of the reason she might have given up (but then I must say she gave me the shortest escalation window I experienced so far).

We spent some time talking about her views on boys and flirting after my failed escalation attempt (to get some new information since the interaction was somewhat ruined). It seems like she is trying to find a new social circle outside her ex-boyfriends (she is from out of town) and I figured out she might have been looking for a guy friend to introduce her to new aquaintances and so on. She is also a very appearance focused girl, with a lot of makeup on and good fundamentals. I believe she needed to hang out with someone attractive because she was bored.

And as for the fun part of picking up girls: I have a great experience with women that are into me. As I said earlier, they respond well to my advances and are glad that I invite them out and lead the dance. Most of them usually give me a little resistance before going to bed, but I almost always overcome them as we progress being intimate. I bedded a new girl last saturday and that experience was totally different than this girl. I will post it on a lay report.

It could be that she was somewhat interested in me though and unforgiving for the smallest mistakes (escalation windows being missed), considering how appereance focused she is. She is the kind of girl that turn heads, but this is more because she is "hot" as opposed to naturally cute.

And oh, what do you mean with intimacy? For me sex and intimacy is the same.

 

[Richard]

Amazing reports, Richard. I like the way you're showing your sexual vibe and how you use playfulness to take out some of the seriousness and still have that tension. I am playing a bit around with sexual tension and starting to get a grasp on it and how to use it playfully.

It seems like your successes is a combination of humor, sexual tension, and logistics. But it also seems like all these are build around your vibe (which is great). Is your vibe dependent on past successes or do you build it on your own? If so, how do you do this?

And to the actual interaction with the girl, the reason I was spending some time building comfort was that she was very nervous. It seemed like she was trying to say all the right things to impress me and her body was really tense. I tried to make her comfortable by playfully flirting with her (chase frame) and building comfort. It did not seem to work. If a girl likes me, she really responds well to my advances, this girl, however, deflected all my forwardness, despite being a lot more open when I asked her out the day before.

But she was also following my lead when I moved her around. I decided to get a beer at the nearest bar before going to my place (in order to make her relax and then swithching environments). This could be some of the reason she might have given up (but then I must say she gave me the shortest escalation window I experienced so far).

We spent some time talking about her views on boys and flirting after my failed escalation attempt (to get some new information since the interaction was somewhat ruined). It seems like she is trying to find a new social circle outside her ex-boyfriends (she is from out of town) and I figured out she might have been looking for a guy friend to introduce her to new aquaintances and so on. She is also a very appearance focused girl, with a lot of makeup on and good fundamentals. I believe she needed to hang out with someone attractive because she was bored.

And as for the fun part of picking up girls: I have a great experience with women that are into me. As I said earlier, they respond well to my advances and are glad that I invite them out and lead the dance. Most of them usually give me a little resistance before going to bed, but I almost always overcome them as we progress being intimate. I bedded a new girl last saturday and that experience was totally different than this girl. I will post it on a lay report.

It could be that she was somewhat interested in me though and unforgiving for the smallest mistakes (escalation windows being missed), considering how appereance focused she is. She is the kind of girl that turn heads, but this is more because she is "hot" as opposed to naturally cute.

And oh, what do you mean with intimacy? For me sex and intimacy is the same.

Kristian,

Vibe isn't something that I feel is created or built because at that point it becomes inauthentic. If you've ever seen Hunter X Hunter then the thing I like to reference is Nen (in case you haven't seen it, it's basically the natural energy within a person) and there are 6 types; Enhancer, Transmutation, Conjuration, Emission, Manipulation, Specialization. A person doesn't get to pick which "type" they are and whatever your "type" is will be predominant, and your mastery of other "types" will cap out. Same thing with pick-up, if you're naturally funny then you will have full mastery over a style utilizing humor but will reach a cap when it comes to a different style. It's because of this that I feel people should play to their natural strengths and develop the flexibility to use them across a variety of situations.

With pick-up, I've never done anything or kept anything in my repertoire that didn't mesh with my naturalness. That's not to say pick-up techniques didn't help me but I don't think it's the technique itself, the techniques kind of gave me the confidence to go out and be more of myself; i.e. if Chase tells me that I can be direct and sexual with women without finding a knife in my stomach then I go and try it out and if I like it or it vibes with me then I keep it. Very Jeet Kune Do-ish in nature.

As for the girl, I guess I'll ask this; how did you try to flirt and be playful in order to get her more open? I read what you wrote and then made an assumption about what you did but I caught myself so I'm asking; when she was at your place what did you specifically do to try to open her up, calm her down, etc.?

Sex and intimacy... I'm going to have to delve a bit more into who I am to explain this one. As it stands I'm a very conscious/mindful/reflective person and I've learned over the past few years to cultivate this muscle and so I am very aware of my thoughts, feelings, etc. as well as the thoughts, and feelings of others. On top of that I'm also a natural empath (which is why psychology is my calling) and I experience emotions very strongly and I allow myself to feel everything; the good and the bad.

So, for me, intimacy is moreso a feeling whereas sex is an action. Sex doesn't necessarily mean intimacy because I can most definitely fuck a girl where the only bond her and I share is sex;she wants to fuck me, I want to fuck her but there isn't much substance beyond that. However, intimacy (to me) is a deep connection with somebody where you're completely free and transparent around them; I'm transparent anyway but I still notice a big difference between close friends of mine and a girl I am dating. That's the difference; sex doesn't have to have roots in a strong bond and a deep connection with somebody, it's often thought of that way but it is by no means true. Intimacy is a feeling, sex is an act.

Hope that clears things up!

-Richard

 

[kristian]

Vibe isn't something that I feel is created or built because at that point it becomes inauthentic. If you've ever seen Hunter X Hunter then the thing I like to reference is Nen (in case you haven't seen it, it's basically the natural energy within a person) and there are 6 types; Enhancer, Transmutation, Conjuration, Emission, Manipulation, Specialization. A person doesn't get to pick which "type" they are and whatever your "type" is will be predominant, and your mastery of other "types" will cap out. Same thing with pick-up, if you're naturally funny then you will have full mastery over a style utilizing humor but will reach a cap when it comes to a different style. It's because of this that I feel people should play to their natural strengths and develop the flexibility to use them across a variety of situations.

With vibe I mean being on top mentally so your "true self" can shine through. Ricardus Domino writes about this in the article series https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-pick-girls-success-factor-part-v
When I think too much, something I tend to do when I explore such a new thing as meeting women, my interactions goes south. This makes it more "work", killing the vibe. I've seen that meditation makes me more charismatic and in the moment. I do not care as much if a particular girl rejects me and can easily approach a new one. Having my vibe down makes me also come up with solutions to new experiences as seen on my last lay report: https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=14767

A key factor here was me being in the moment. From what I read from your reports, it seems like you are on top mentally. We all know, however, that this factor fluctuates a lot, so I am trying to figure out how you stay on top mentally in order to make your true self-come out. Do you meditate? Do you visualize and how weed out mental noise in order to be in shape? Any information on that would be helpful.

As for the girl. I tried to make some funny remarks at the wine and her clothes as her chasing me sexually. This usually works fine with female friends and women that are into me. She wasn't or wouldn't respond to this at all. I also tried to reward her (with touch) when she moved our conversation along (like when she qualified herself or complied to small requests) she either got tense or turned a little away from me.

It could just be that she gave me a very short escalation window. If that's the case, then I've got a new lesson to learn from

 

[Richard]

A key factor here was me being in the moment. From what I read from your reports, it seems like you are on top mentally. We all know, however, that this factor fluctuates a lot, so I am trying to figure out how you stay on top mentally in order to make your true self-come out. Do you meditate? Do you visualize and how weed out mental noise in order to be in shape? Any information on that would be helpful.

As for the girl. I tried to make some funny remarks at the wine and her clothes as her chasing me sexually. This usually works fine with female friends and women that are into me. She wasn't or wouldn't respond to this at all. I also tried to reward her (with touch) when she moved our conversation along (like when she qualified herself or complied to small requests) she either got tense or turned a little away from me.

It could just be that she gave me a very short escalation window. If that's the case, then I've got a new lesson to learn from

I'm not sure I have an answer for you, honestly. For as long as I can remember I've been an "in-the-present-moment" type of person; that's not to say I don't have future goals and aspirations just that my attention is devoted to the here and now. I'm very psychologically minded and that contributes as well and I'm naturally geared towards humanistic and existential psychology which focuses on becoming your "authentic self" and that is something I've pursued my entire life. If you want to look at things from a spiritual aspect then in the I-Ching the symbol that represents me is the mountain and I'm very close to my source of intuition/energy/the Force/whatever you want to call it. The summary of the Mountain is;

The heart thinks constantly. This cannot be changed, but the movements of
the heart-that is, a man's thoughts-should restrict themselves to the
immediate situation. All thinking that goes beyond this only makes the heart
sore.

So... in a roundabout way I don't have to try to stay on top of myself mentally because I'm never in a position where I need to reel myself back in; it's not something I learned to do, it's what I've done naturally my entire life. Even when I do allow my thoughts to escape me it doesn't last long because, again, I'm very self-aware which is another natural quality of mine.

That aside, you're basically asking me how is that somebody can learn to be mindful? Because mindfulness is a muscle, it can be strengthened with exercises. Sitting meditation does help (when I meditate I focus on my breathing and allow my mind to completely let go), particularly you can try the "Two Feet One Breath" technique where you feel both feet attached to the floor and then you breathe and repeat. When you're eating food you can slow down and really savor/analyze/appreciate the full range of flavors, textures, etc. and that also helps to cultivate mindfulness. I particularly like meditation where you focus on your body before breathing; acknowledge if you feel cold, hot, pain in certain areas of your body, etc. and then breathe and repeat. If you're interested, I'd also recommend learning Tai-Chi or Taijiquan.

Meditation/Tai-Chi particularly help because you learn to recognize when your thoughts are drifting and then you consciously teach yourself to reel them back in. In my case, despite having a natural affinity for mindfulness if I didn't practice it with meditation and Tai-Chi then I'd lose that muscle as well. Once you've acquired the muscle as well you'll find your natural self shining through because your thoughts will no longer drift and you won't be pulled out of the present moment.

-Richard

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey kirstian,

There are a couple of things to consider when trying to identify the cause of the response you got:

I ask this girl from extended social circle out (met her at a convention a year ago). I ramp up my sexual vibe just before asking her out. I invite her straight to my place and even make her buy a bottle of wine.

This is a girl you've known for a year, so you're not a complete stranger to her. In that time that you've known her, you haven't tried to fuck her before, so she figures it's safe to come over and literally just 'hang out' instead of what is normally implied by, "Bring a bottle of wine and come over." She didn't come over to your place expecting to have sex, so when things started going in that direction, she gets uncomfortable, and it gets awkward for the both you.

Understand there are a lot of girls out there who have never dated a guy that tries to fuck them on the the first date, so it comes as a surprise when you try to move that fast. Some girls aren't comfortable with the idea and get really "tense" like you pointed out. In these situations, sex is NOT on the table, so I find it best to just take her for a walk and hang out at a park or something, to talk, touch, and get her more comfortable with you. End the date on a high note, and try to close on the next date.

 

[kristian]

This is a girl you've known for a year, so you're not a complete stranger to her. In that time that you've known her, you haven't tried to fuck her before, so she figures it's safe to come over and literally just 'hang out' instead of what is normally implied by, "Bring a bottle of wine and come over." She didn't come over to your place expecting to have sex, so when things started going in that direction, she gets uncomfortable, and it gets awkward for the both you.

Understand there are a lot of girls out there who have never dated a guy that tries to fuck them on the the first date, so it comes as a surprise when you try to move that fast. Some girls aren't comfortable with the idea and get really "tense" like you pointed out. In these situations, sex is NOT on the table, so I find it best to just take her for a walk and hang out at a park or something, to talk, touch, and get her more comfortable with you. End the date on a high note, and try to close on the next date.

An eye opener here. I will be better at seeing how girls respond to my advances before trying to seduce them.