Socializing How do you work on your inner game, self esteem and vibe?

[Major Lance]

Couple of months ago I moved to a bigger city. It's summer, perfect time to practice day game but i have different issues.

When I was in my 20s I was a lot less stressed and more hopeful so I approached girls more. Now that I'm in late 30s I am more mature but i became also more anxious. I don't generally have problem talking to girls, i can flirt and tease them. I asked one of my closer friends what does he think about me and my presence. He said that I am good looking, funny and he doesn't understand what is my problem with girls. My attachment style is avoidant but i worked on opening myself more.

I work a normal job, exercise, do comedy open mics every now and then. Big introvert, since I moved to a new city the only social events I visit are these meetup groups. And I hadn't gotten laid in forever. This kind of lifestyle is obviously not very conducive to a successful ladies man, i'm aware of that.

The thing is, I believe all these problems come from self esteem issues. I can talk normally with men and women, i'm not socialy stunted but more emotionally. My lower confidence feeds into my neediness and i'm subconsciously looking for women's validation in a romantic and sexual context with girls i like. And that bleeds into my vibe and confidence overall when I'm interacting with them. It's not terrible but i think girls can recognize it.

Basically, I think that without managing that problem no ammount of techical advice on approaching, closing, etc. is gonna help me much.

I'm gonna try talking to a therapist when I manage to schedule a meeting.
Generally, how do you guys, especially experienced cats deal with these things? What advice would you give?

 

[Will_V]

Couple of months ago I moved to a bigger city. It's summer, perfect time to practice day game but i have different issues.

When I was in my 20s I was a lot less stressed and more hopeful so I approached girls more. Now that I'm in late 30s I am more mature but i became also more anxious. I don't generally have problem talking to girls, i can flirt and tease them. I asked one of my closer friends what does he think about me and my presence. He said that I am good looking, funny and he doesn't understand what is my problem with girls. My attachment style is avoidant but i worked on opening myself more.

I work a normal job, exercise, do comedy open mics every now and then. Big introvert, since I moved to a new city the only social events I visit are these meetup groups. And I hadn't gotten laid in forever. This kind of lifestyle is obviously not very conducive to a successful ladies man, i'm aware of that.

The thing is, I believe all these problems come from self esteem issues. I can talk normally with men and women, i'm not socialy stunted but more emotionally. My lower confidence feeds into my neediness and i'm subconsciously looking for women's validation in a romantic and sexual context with girls i like. And that bleeds into my vibe and confidence overall when I'm interacting with them. It's not terrible but i think girls can recognize it.

Basically, I think that without managing that problem no ammount of techical advice on approaching, closing, etc. is gonna help me much.

I'm gonna try talking to a therapist when I manage to schedule a meeting.
Generally, how do you guys, especially experienced cats deal with these things? What advice would you give?

Are you approaching? What results are you getting?

Until you take action you don't really know what you are dealing with. If you find that a specific obstacle appears during approaches then you deal with that.

In any case, the way I get out of my head is to practice being present, meditating if necessary, but mainly just focusing on enjoying the world around me and my experience of it, especially the feminine in it. That is usually enough for me to get into a good headspace.

I don't believe very much in the idea of 'working on myself', I believe in the idea of going out into the world, getting feedback, and adjusting accordingly. The most important problem as far as I'm concerned is the one that is interfering with what I want to do right now. No problem actually exists until it has an observable effect on me.

A lot of psychological problems are problems of attention, not actual obstacles. I try to keep my attention either on positive things, or on problems that, if corrected, will immediately move me toward my goals.

Sounds like you just need to start daygaming, find out what the real obstacles are, and focus on them.

 

[gameboy]

Try the newbie assignment. It's somewhere here on the forums.

 

[Major Lance]

Are you approaching? What results are you getting?

Until you take action you don't really know what you are dealing with. If you find that a specific obstacle appears during approaches then you deal with that.

In any case, the way I get out of my head is to practice being present, meditating if necessary, but mainly just focusing on enjoying the world around me and my experience of it, especially the feminine in it. That is usually enough for me to get into a good headspace.

I don't believe very much in the idea of 'working on myself', I believe in the idea of going out into the world, getting feedback, and adjusting accordingly. The most important problem as far as I'm concerned is the one that is interfering with what I want to do right now. No problem actually exists until it has an observable effect on me.

A lot of psychological problems are problems of attention, not actual obstacles. I try to keep my attention either on positive things, or on problems that, if corrected, will immediately move me toward my goals.

Sounds like you just need to start daygaming, find out what the real obstacles are, and focus on them.

I agree, taking action and approaching is the only thing that matters in the end and gets you feedback. No amount of thinking can replace that. Yeah, being present is not easy for me in these situations.
Analysis paralysis is my problem and I get anxious as a result.

But as @gameboy also commented the newbie assignment probably solves most of the beginner problems. I need to temper my expectations and work with baby steps for a while and just be consistent.
Anyway, thanks for your response!

 

[AspiringStoic]

Basically, I think that without managing that problem no ammount of techical advice on approaching, closing, etc. is gonna help me much.

No need for technical advice and no need to "get other things in order". What you need is exactly what you are not doing and what we are all scared of.

Lots and lots of approaches. Its only through mass approaching that many things get fixed automatically. Nowadays, its under emphasized because its scary. Its a lot easier to work on style, think about childhood patterns, micro-analyse 1 or 2 interactions, analyse a multitude of other things than throwing yourself into the fire by walking upto 10 girls a day and saying Hi and putting your ego on the line.