How does a genuine man respond to jerks?

[Verisimilitude]

I've been wondering this for a good amount of time. I've dealt with guys trying to demean me in all kinds of ways. The three big ones I can think of are:

1. Physically: I'm not talking about fighting. I'm talking about when a guy bumps into you on purpose, steals your food when you are eating together, hides something, or steals something and refuses to give it back. High school shit. My problem is I can't figure out a way to respond in a way that isn't over reacting. Physically escalating makes things worse, and getting emotional encourages it.

2. Insults. Again, this isn't some random guy. This is from people in your social group. They're insults in a "friendly manner". The best way I see is responding in kind with an insult of your own. The problem is that this makes things worse. Reacting physically and emotionally is bad too.

3. Condescension. Pretty obvious. When a guy is talking down to you in a way that is "nice" but in a mean way.

A lot of advice I've gotten from some people is don't take things so personally. While that works for some things, there are other situations where you have to respond or it will continue. And it really kills self esteem. It almost gets to the point of bullying and it makes me close off. I'm sick of it.

I know that there's an article on the website that covers some of this, but I can't find it. EDIT: Found it- https://www.girlschase.com/content/5-way ... situations. This article deals with challenges outside of the social circle, but how do you deal with people who are in the circle?

 

[Marty]

XC, I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but my take on it is actually a longer-term one... develop your "fundamentals", in the sense that you want to be seen as the guy that no one would DARE behave like that around. It's not a quick fix, but if you can build some air of authority, that does more to put a stop to it than any amount of reaction in the moment itself. -Marty

 

[Nuncle]

Agreed, Marty.

With regard to ignoring it that is very effective, but you have to ignore it on the inside as well as the outside. It's all about who has psychological dominance. It's about the frame - is he insulting you because you are weak or because he is weak? Depending on what the frame is you can both say exactly the same words/actions but feel very different about them.

I can think of times where I have tried to insult someone and they have brushed it off and it has made me look like an insignificant dick and them look incredibly strong. Yet if someone had said the same thing to me I would have been devastated and fretted about it for days.

Imagine if you shouted abuse at the President at a rally. What would make him look stronger: ignoring it? slight smirk? laughing? Or getting angry and losing control?

Or have a look at this clip. Richard Gere maintains psychological dominance throughout even when getting the shit kicked out of him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FUqYYnXnkQ

 

[Verisimilitude]

XC, I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but my take on it is actually a longer-term one... develop your "fundamentals", in the sense that you want to be seen as the guy that no one would DARE behave like that around. It's not a quick fix, but if you can build some air of authority, that does more to put a stop to it than any amount of reaction in the moment itself. -Marty

Hey, I'll take that. Its better advice than, "just relax and be yourself". Thanks Marty. Any advice/ articles for developing this?

And nuncle, I love that clip. Those types of movies really showcase dominance. Great way to learn.

 

[BtwnSpaceAndInsomnia]

Hello,
First post- I'm clumsy with women, but this topic is a walk in the park for me.

You always want to be able to tell it as it is, and leave a way out where the aggressor can save face.
You really never know who you are dealing with, so it is also for yourself. The idea is to defuse the situation without escalating it.
The aggressor could end up being your future best friend too so its always important not to preemptively burn bridges.
You only escalate if you don't care and can deal with all possible negative outcomes. You will find though that dealing with these outcomes are more of a hassle in the long run though as your network becomes more complex, and that to defuse is usually the best solution.

You always want to get back to the original intent of your presence, which frequently happens to be the same as the aggressor. This is a space for common ground and the perfect way to lead back from escalation.

The idea is to project curiosity instead of dominance or confidence or hurt or any strong emotion. Curiosity is probably the strongest form of confidence in these type of settings because it implies that you can take whatever beating without lasting cost, almost as if you're reacting to a toddler throwing a tantrum and you're acting the mature adult.

Physical:
Unless you're in an isolated dark alleyway, chances are that there are some people around you, and what is important in this context is to have witness.
In a civil society, people can't go bash people around because society takes side.
The reason where you can reasonably expect to get your ass kicked if you strike a lady by random strangers is because it looks like a black and white situation, and it is easy for strangers to make a quick decision.
If you get confronted physically, then you have to make the situation appear the same way. If you've been wronged, then you ask his side of stories. You make a questioning glance. You make gestures to signify explanation. You get his attention directly by softly poking the person. You can voice it directly:" Dude! why are you doing this?"

Verbally:
Some people have good wit, and expect a proper insult back as a way of male bonding. Refer to the barber scene in gran torino for explanation.
If you have a good wit to pull it off, do so. I don't, so the best way out is the following : "You shouldnt project so much" or "Meh. too tired to think of a comeback. Try me again later" or "You're being rather mean". You can be honest on how it negatively affects you. People in general feel bad if they know they are actually hurting a person who is not fighting back, and will take it back.

Condescension:
"You all right dude?" "Did i do something to offend?" in an honest tone.

I mentioned being awkward with women, but i have to say that probably one of the main reason i get attention from women is at least my ability to carve a spot in a complex social gathering where frequently you will have "gatekeepers" you need to negotiate with. And you never want to piss off the metaphorical bartender.