How I managed friendzone - looking for a way to improve

[quiteastory]

Hey guys.

tl;dr: I set up a friendship date to see how much I can pull off, and I flaked (because girl became whiny).

Long version: while travelling, I've met an awesome girl from another city. We had a date, kissed and had a great sexual vibe (didn't had sex though - we didn't have a place to move to, and yeah, it pains me as hell).

After date I had to get back home, but we talked that I'll be back in a few weeks (i had some business to do, it was unrelated with her, and she knew it). We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks, talked a lot, the contact was super warm & sexual, and then… radio silence.

I know things like this don't happen without a reason, i suspected that she met someone, which she confirmed after I’ve asked, saying that she likes me, but I live far away, and it wouldn't work out.

I responded in a calm way “that's nice, you're a great girl, and you shouldn't be single”. I've said that I'm visiting the city anyway, and she became super warm again, saying that we could meet, but PROBABLY as a pals (i responded "we'll see"), and I could stay at her place (so she gave me mixed signals, staying at her place eventually didn't work out). We stayed in touch before my arrival, she sent a lot of mixed signals, I didn’t want to push her too hard with flirting (I felt she wasn’t as open as she was before).

Short before the meeting she started to whine about the schelude - she can't do this, that (lazy excuses), so I gave her a schelude that worked for me (which she could take if she'd want to), and I said “sorry, I can't work out anything else, because… [...] If you can't make it, that's too bad”. She ironically replied “too bad, have fun”. I said thanks, and we haven't spoke since then. I don't plan to contact her again.

I didn’t lay, but I’m still satisfied with how it worked out - I didn’t chase her, and I didn't whine.

My questions:
1. There’s always a room for improvement - what could I’ve done better?
2. How to handle situations where you established a sexual connection, but you get friendzoned for reasons you can’t control (e.g. distance between cities, or feelings for her ex)? Do you accept when she says “let's be friends”, and do your thing anyway? Or maybe ignore that statement (as i did), and proceed anyway?

Thanks for reading my post, I appreciate it.

 

[Fuck This]

SO going forward...you realize you have a time constraint when you meet women while travelling. Plan your Logistics accordingly for when the layups fall in your lap.
When arranging a long distance meetup be sure to seed the conversation with pretty clear sexual intent. "I want to continue our conversation from that night and add some chapters to our story" . "Which side of the bed do you prefer?" " I get to be the big Spoon"

As mentioned in other threads, Long distance disqualifies a relationship in the initial meetings. It is an exciting brief adventure that will not be an awkward "running into each other out at the bars" repercussions. As such it is important to communicate that without being obtuse about it. Believe me there are women who just want to get laid and will travel 800 miles to do it. They are not EVERY girl though. Those are a rare breed.

In your case both being away from home and not having any social circle around to judge lowers the bar to having a fling. Going to her hometown where her friends and neighbors could see a strange guy going to her place invites questions and judgement. Both those raise women's ASD.

I think you made your approach clunky by letting the relationship word enter the conversation. Instead "have an adventure" "make memories" "share an experience" brings up images of movie screen couples having a passionate night in a beautiful setting. See the movie Forces of Nature or Before Sunrise to see the potential Disney Dream women have about romantic encounters abroad....

Don't ask don't tell is a good policy, and emphasize discretion as one of your assets.

2. How to handle situations where you established a sexual connection, but you get friendzoned for reasons you can’t control (e.g. distance between cities, or feelings for her ex)? Do you accept when she says “let's be friends”, and do your thing anyway? Or maybe ignore that statement (as i did), and proceed anyway?

There are hundreds of Friendzone busting articles on GC and the internet. She has to be willing to bust through too. She just needs to know that you aren't going to judge her or retract the offer or be a platonic orbiter. AND you both need to be on the same page at the same time. More often than not, it is timing that fouls it up rather than true feelings.

An example: I'd met a woman through a sport, and developed a close flirty relationship on a sport specific forum. I suspected she had hooked up with some other forum members but I didn't have confirmation. She had been approached romantically by many of them. Anyway she had invited me to visit her at her home, and I rerouted a trip to overnight at her house.

I spent the night there. But nothing happened. Mainly because I was married at that point for 10 years, with a new baby. But I felt the sexual tension oh god you could cut it with a knife...Especially when I walked by her open bedroom door and saw black lace lingerie hanging outside the closet. I slept in her guest room down the hall. Her German shepard dog slept in my doorway too.

Two years later, she surprised me in an airport where I was meeting a mutual friend of ours. The mutual friend had invited her for a weekend and she asked if she could bring her boyfriend. He said yes, even though his intent had been to score. That boyfriend is now her husband, and I think everything worked out for the best. But it was timing that fouled up both he and I.

 

[quiteastory]

Thanks for the review. From what you say, I'm even more happy with my actions than I was before To sum up:
-I handled perfectly what I could (maybe could do better after she met other guy)
-”don’t ask, don’t tell” policy worked great, everything felt like an adventure for us, and no one ever mentioned relationship (problems started after she met another guy, she started to consider me as a “guy from far away”)
-my logistics failed

She has to be willing to bust through too. She just needs to know that you aren't going to judge her or retract the offer or be a platonic orbiter. AND you both need to be on the same page at the same time.

Could you expand that part? Language barrier

 

[Fuck This]

Could you expand that part? Language barrier

Her mindset is important. If she doesn't want to get out of the friendzone it doesn't matter what you do.

All you can do is have a lover vibe and allow her to let herself accept your frame.

 

[quiteastory]

Could you expand that part? Language barrier

Her mindset is important. If she doesn't want to get out of the friendzone it doesn't matter what you do.

All you can do is have a lover vibe and allow her to let herself accept your frame.

I think you're right... It's just the timing + distance failed, there was not much for me to do about it. I may have pushed her a little too hard with flirt (and cooling her off when she didn't comply).

I've found Chase's article on friendzone dates, next time I'll behave as he described.

Again, thanks for the "review".

 

[Dr. Manhattan]

Hey buddy,

I just saw your message.

The only thing that jumped out at me that I may be able to help with is when a girl brings up 'just being friends.'

I pretty much throw on a bored look and say, "I'm honestly too busy in my life right now to be looking for friends. I don't do friends." and kind of just leave it at that... if she is interested, she'll show me. If she is looking for a guy friend to follow her around, she'll show me.

Remember, you have a life too... and it's okay to tell people that you're not interested in their offer. Never compromise your goals, your dreams, or your time over some random chick that probably isn't going to give you what you want.

Also, up-ing your fundamentals and persuasion and intuition about which girls are into you is always going to be the answer when it comes to being more successful with girls and in life.

Keep on keepin' on!

Doc

 

[quiteastory]

Hey buddy,
Also, up-ing your fundamentals and persuasion and intuition about which girls are into you is always going to be the answer when it comes to being more successful with girls and in life.

That's my way of thinking, too. Be good enough, but always look for an improvement. Thanks for the perspective!