How long a date should last?

[Lithuanian]

Hey guys,

Let's get to the point. How long should a date last? I'm dating one girl and she likes to talk a lot. From all the signs I know she likes me. Our first date lasted 4 hours, second - also 4 hours, third - 6 hours (every time she asked me to lead her to the bus stop, what does it mean?). By the way, she's one of those quality girls - smart, educated and seeking for serious relationship.

But am I making a mistake? Should I just said that I have to go and left her earlier, let's say, after 2 hours? Or should I wait till she wants to go. On one hand, dates shouldn't last long, to keep the hunger for more and her chasing me not vice versa. On the other hand, I don't want to make impression that I'm rejecting her. So I'm waiting for your suggestions.

 

[ray_zorse]

I think maybe you should read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover... you're dating on her terms and that's not good.

Ask yourself: How long do I want the date to last? At what point do I start getting bored of hearing her blab on? Your time is valuable... what are you getting out of the date-time spent? After 2 dates you've spent 8 hours, the equivalent of a whole working day... had you been rewarded with sex for investing that amount?

If you don't value yourself, then every girl would seem like "one of those quality girls"... this is Nice Guy speak for "any girl who will give me the time of day". I should know, I married one Hahaha, but seriously, start putting yourself first. She couldn't be that high quality if she's blab blabbing for hours and wasting time.

She may well be conservative and seeking for serious relationship. But at the same time she could just be trying to put you in a provider slot, making you work hard for sex and testing how committed you are to her (with little investment on her part, given girls love to talk about themselves it's no hardship for her).

About the command to walk her to the bus stop, if a girl gives you a command then on principle you should refuse, either with an excuse or just a flat out refusal or with humour (she asks you to carry her shopping, you respond "do I look like a shopping trolley?"). Compliance should be from her to you, not vice versa. This is because of female psychology, they don't get attracted to men they lead or can control. They do however get very attracted to mean who lead or control them.

I remember quite early in my journey I dated a girl like this. I found that while she was blab blabbing on, I took a typical Nice Guy approach of feeling I owed her my attention until she had finished speaking. But after some hours of this (she stayed the night at my place, and blabbed all night about random shit such as her past relationships etc, and I only got a makeout), I discovered that if I allowed my attention to wander (glance out the window for longer and longer periods, etc) then she very quickly shut it off and started being more engaging. Girls are very good at picking up on shit, like when they are boring the hell out of you, the only problem is that being a Nice Guy is basically lying and pretending you're not bored when you are, and this interferes with their sensitive antennae. Be honest.

Ray

 

[Mr.Rob]

Our first date lasted 4 hours, second - also 4 hours, third - 6 hours (every time she asked me to lead her to the bus stop, what does it mean?).

Holy cow that is a crazy amount of time to be spending with a girl.

Do you really want to spend this much time with someone you don't know? What value are you getting out of a date lasting such a long period of time? (Investment from her to potentially become committed to you doesn't count)

Should I just said that I have to go and left her earlier, let's say, after 2 hours? Or should I wait till she wants to go.

Your the man do whatever YOU want to do. Make your own decisions and she'll respect that a lot more.

Here at girlschase we typically recommend for newbies to do one of two options.

1. Date lasts 1-3 hours maximum and then pull to your house for sex

2. If you or her aren't up to going home on the first date then first date lasts and hour and a half tops, 2nd date lasts around the same, and then the third date she should be comfortable to go home with you so you have the date at your house and you have an hour date and have sex.

When you hang out with her for hours and hours upon end you communicate indirectly communicate two things to her.

1. You aren't a busy and in demand person and you have a lot of free time to give to someone that isn't even close to you.

2. You have no options in your dating life and that she is your only option. Meanwhile she has options and has more abundance than you so she unconsciously thinks that you need her more than she needs you which is not a good recipe for attraction.

No need to worry though you're on the boards here which means you're going to figure out how to be this attractive man that gets the type of women you want!

We all start out listening to what society tells and according to society you have done everything right in dating this girl.

Unfortunately society's dating rules don't really produce results for the man or woman.

Any more questions, concerns, comments?

Let us know man.

 

[Lithuanian]

Well, I have to say, she isn't a girl I don't know. We were course mates in universtity, so I know her for 5 years, but we started dating only after graduation. I dind't expect anything from first date, I just went to meet a course mate after almost a year. But I found her quite interesting and smart girl, and I really enjoy spending time with her. I also saw, that she is interested in me (body language, asking what I'm doing tomorrow, offering to come one day to her apartment, though she lives with her parents as I do).

But thanks guys for your responses, I'll try to act accordingly.

 

[ray_zorse]

I might have presumed too much, when you said she likes to yalk, and from the fact the dates were very long, I assumed it was a "blab blab" situation, but if you are connecting with her and enjoying yourself, then there's nothing wrong with that.

However, the risk you run is putting yourself in the friendzone spot by (a) providing too much friend-value so she doesn't want to risk losing you by moving to intimacy and (2) failing to move things forward and having her think you're not a dominant, decisive, determined guy.

In the worst case if she was really into you and you didn't register the signs and capitalize accordingly, the escalation window can close leading to an abrupt change in her behaviour, which she will not acknowledge but will either pretend she is still into you, or that she was never into you, despite the incongruence with her present/past behaviour.

Recall also the statistic which says something like for each date you go on with her after the first, your chance of sleeping with her reduces in half... this isn't a hard and fast rule though, and I would like to say that although Mr.Rob's advice was totally on point and also he actually answered your question unlike myself who went on something of a tangent... society's dating rules don't work, except sometimes in the case where she is truly into you, otherwise normal guys would never get laid and humanity couldn't reproduce. So don't worry, just move forward fast

Taking all these considerations into account, why not invite her over to either cook with you, or watch a movie, or some such excuse? If after 3 dates she won't do that, it might be time to cut the cord? Then add touch and kiss her within say 10min and try for a makeout / sex while dinner is in the oven? In my experience it is best not to wait until after the meal (or the film for that matter) as windows usually close. Your other option is to meet her out somewhere and try to pull her home (film or perhaps Chase's suggestion "I know another place where the music is great and the drinks are really cheap")... but this seems to add uncertainty, especially as she's been conditioned to expect a 4 hour date of close connection building and no sex, so she might resist the pull.

Anyway, better take decisive action of some sort, and soon.

Ray

 

[Franco]

Lithuanian,

Not to comment on this specific girl, but I found a general rule of thumb to abide by (until you get comfortable with what works best for you) is to keep dates around 90 minutes, with 30 minutes to give or take.

That means, the absolute longest amount of time you should spend with a girl is 2 hours, while the shortest amount of time you should spend (if you're not comfortable reading when girls want you to pull them quickly) is 1 hour.

The minimum of 1 hour is more for you than it is for her -- when you're starting out, it might be difficult for you to feel comfortable pulling a girl quickly home, so it will give you time to get comfortable with her and then make the pull. The 2 hour maximum helps you keep your goals on track and make sure you're attempting to pull girls before either (A) the conversation gets dull and she starts to lose interest or (B) it ends up getting too late and she refuses your pulls because she wants to get home.

The other negative to spending too much time with her is that it tends to put you more in the boyfriend-zone, thus reducing your chances she sees you as a lover and wants to sleep with you fast. So make sure to check your watch!

- Franco