How long to give yourself after a breakup?

[Thinkingenigma]

So I've been with this girl for a while and things have been phenomenal. We both love each other a lot, and I had even considered marrying her one day (something I've NEVER had plans to do for ANY girl). The sex was great, and we always seemed to know what the other was thinking. Over this last semester, things had started to become more serious, but she was beginning to have some cognitive dissonance about our relationship.

See the problem is, like EVERY other girl I've dated, is that she's a devout Christian, and she couldn't reconcile her faith with being with me (an atheist), either sexually and romantically (Kinda goes with the territory when you attend a small conservative Christian college in the middle of nowhere, lol). We had discussions about this several times throughout our relationship, but she seemed content to stay with me. This time, it was different. She said she wanted us to take a break because it was getting in the way of her relationship with Christ. Weeping, she said that she wants nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with me, but the cognitive dissonance was too much. She pleaded with me to still allow us to hang out like we usually do (minus the sex). Of course, I told her no because it would be impossible for us to see each other platonically right now. She wasn't happy about this, but I had made that clear in the past when I broke it off trying to protect her (A devout Christian virgin trying to date a godless heathen? THAT's going end well). That didn't last too long and we ended up back together after about a week. She didn't care about that, she said. She just wanted to be with me. She knew what this breakup would look like.

Throughout this process, I remained pretty calm, and for the most part I haven't had any real emotional mood swings. I laid out the situation for her to make sure she understood, then told her that she had given herself a choice here. I pointed out how much she has changed for the better while with me, and I told her I wanted her to stay. I also said that if she decided to go, I wouldn't stop her, and that the door would be open if she wanted to come back.

She seemed really torn about it, and a large part of me thinks I'll hear from her soon. However, I know that it's entirely possible that she won't be back, and that I'm single again. I plan to give her two weeks before I start trying to date around, but I'm worried that I'll be distracted because I'm thinking about her. I know I have girls that I can pull from the sidelines, but I don't want to screw it up with them because I'm not over her yet.

How long should I wait before going ahead and jumping back into the dating market, and how do I process this in the meantime?

 

[Franco]

TE,

Well, I was a bit confused after reading this -- are you two already on a break, or are you not?

If you are on a break, then you can begin dating other women right away. And I would probably highly recommend doing so as you want to already be back in the swing of things should this relationship not work out. If you aren't on a break, then it sounds like you need make it more clear what this is to her. Either you two are together (and seeing each other and having sex) or you two are not together (and allowed to see other people in the meantime). You'd be giving her too much power to say, "well, you can take a break from me and I just won't see you nor will I see other girls until you make your decision." There's no reason to give her that kind of security as it's obviously not a reasonable arrangement.

If she decides (or has already decided) to split up for the time being, then I would just give it some time. Jesus can only do so much in a girl's life, and he sure as hell isn't going to give her mind-blowing orgasms! She'll likely miss both the emotional and physical connection she has with you if she goes back to her faith for an extended period of time. How long it will take really depends on how strong her feelings are for you (and they sound rather strong, so it might only be less than a month before she realizes she wants you back).

Again though, if she is taking this break, then you should be meeting other women. It sounds like you made it clear that you are not okay with seeing her platonically, which is important, because it would allow her have a big part of who you are without giving enough back in return (which especially includes the sex).

It sounds like you're in control here though, so I would give her some time to realize that she really desires you and needs you in her life. The best thing you can do is not be around during that time because a girl can't miss you if you're right there whenever she wants you to be. =)

- Franco

 

[Thinkingenigma]

TE,

Well, I was a bit confused after reading this -- are you two already on a break, or are you not?

If you are on a break, then you can begin dating other women right away. And I would probably highly recommend doing so as you want to already be back in the swing of things should this relationship not work out. If you aren't on a break, then it sounds like you need make it more clear what this is to her. Either you two are together (and seeing each other and having sex) or you two are not together (and allowed to see other people in the meantime). You'd be giving her too much power to say, "well, you can take a break from me and I just won't see you nor will I see other girls until you make your decision." There's no reason to give her that kind of security as it's obviously not a reasonable arrangement.

If she decides (or has already decided) to split up for the time being, then I would just give it some time. Jesus can only do so much in a girl's life, and he sure as hell isn't going to give her mind-blowing orgasms! She'll likely miss both the emotional and physical connection she has with you if she goes back to her faith for an extended period of time. How long it will take really depends on how strong her feelings are for you (and they sound rather strong, so it might only be less than a month before she realizes she wants you back).

Again though, if she is taking this break, then you should be meeting other women. It sounds like you made it clear that you are not okay with seeing her platonically, which is important, because it would allow her have a big part of who you are without giving enough back in return (which especially includes the sex).

It sounds like you're in control here though, so I would give her some time to realize that she really desires you and needs you in her life. The best thing you can do is not be around during that time because a girl can't miss you if you're right there whenever she wants you to be. =)

- Franco

Thanks Franco. Yeah, we are on a break as of two days ago and I think she sees this as an actual break-up. I told her I'd leave the door open, but I didn't mention or make her any promises regarding me dating or not dating other people. I don't really see her in everyday life, so not being around isn't going to be an issue. And yes, I do expect her to be back soon.

My question concerned myself more than her. I don't know that I can keep my head in the game because that possibility distracts me. I don't know if I need to give myself some time or start meditating or what. That's really where I need advice.

 

[Franco]

TE,

My question concerned myself more than her. I don't know that I can keep my head in the game because that possibility distracts me. I don't know if I need to give myself some time or start meditating or what. That's really where I need advice.

I don't think giving yourself time does any good in this situation. My opinion would be to start approaching women immediately (as soon as you get some free time). Not approaching means you aren't meeting any new women, so naturally when your mind wanders to the idea of women/sex/relationships, there will be only one person you will be thinking about. It would be wise to counter that as soon as humanly possible.

EDIT: Generally I see situations like this as something "exciting." See it as a moment of freedom where you have an opportunity to sleep with other girls without having negative effects (and possibly even having positive effects) on a girl who obviously is interested in you. If she even has a hunch that you are already beginning to see other women, you can bet that it's going to drive up her attraction for you as well.

- Franco

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Fair point. Thanks Franco!

 

[ray_zorse]

I'm just gonna jump in here about religiosity in relationships...

As an atheist myself I'm pretty damn cynical about religion and I've been thinking of this as a blocker and since I've unluckily run into a lot of religious girls lately I have tried not to bring up the fact that I am an atheist and have tried to seek common ground by discussing our experiences with religion as appropriate...

However I had a bit of an epiphany while on an insta-date with a Singaporean tourist lately, the discussion got kinda deep after she refused her number and offered FB and refused to get a meal together, I could have just dumped her at that point but didn't want to be an asshole since I'd taken her to a part of the city she didn't know... so I was still enjoying her company and didn't have anything else to do besides further cold approach... and figured there was nothing to lose by opening up to her, we talked about religion a lot and I asked her what she gets out of her church attendance etc that an atheist wouldn't have... and she said a feeling of peace. H'm!

Well that's exactly what I don't have and it's made me see these religious chicks in a totally new light. And although I will never believe in organized religion it has inspired me to look into some meditation techniques which I would've been totally dismissive of until recently. Also I'm kinda looking forward to deep diving the next religious chick I meet to see if she has any further insights for me.

To be honest I cannot see any reason why your (ex) GF would have any problem dating an atheist if you handled it sensitively and showed genuine interest as above, so maybe that's something to examine in your game for next time?

As a contrast (and as a funny story) I dated another religious chick from social circle about 6mths before discovering GC, had no idea about bridges & gaps in conversation, etc, well we were discussing a weekend date and she says she has to go to church on Sunday, I must've looked a bit non plussed as she then asked if I believe in God, I said very firmly nope, I don't want a bar of any of that stuff, she looked crushed, well just then an episode of South Park came on her TV which totally lampooned Christianity and religion generally, I sat there for half an hour just cringing inside, but also kinda enjoying her discomfort in a mean sort of way, hmm so don't do that!!!

Cheers, Ray

 

[Thinkingenigma]

To be honest I cannot see any reason why your (ex) GF would have any problem dating an atheist if you handled it sensitively and showed genuine interest as above, so maybe that's something to examine in your game for next time?

Cheers, Ray

I grew up fundamentalist, and I've been attending a Christian College for several years now, so I'm very aware of how to handle the religious issue sensitively. The issue was that by dating and having sex with me, she was going against what she professes to believe, and it was causing a lot of cognitive dissonance for her. I tried to help her work through it, but it just got to be too much.

 

[ray_zorse]

I grew up fundamentalist, and I've been attending a Christian College for several years now, so I'm very aware of how to handle the religious issue sensitively. The issue was that by dating and having sex with me, she was going against what she professes to believe, and it was causing a lot of cognitive dissonance for her. I tried to help her work through it, but it just got to be too much.

Yeah I see, so you mean maybe her problem was with sex before marriage generally? Hmm so frustrating, the material on this site leads one to believe that as long as you're discreet they'll jump at the opportunity to thumb their nose at society's rules, but I guess there are exceptions, those who buy into it totally? Thing is I don't really see how Christianity, even fundamentalist Christianity, is mutually exclusive with dating and sex, I'm not aware of any prohibition in the Bible for instance... it seems to be purely how the traditions are interpreted in modern day (for example the Catholic Church's stand on birth control?)... maybe that might be a good angle to take next time? I dunno, I'm not good at this whole "admitting women into the secret society" / "explaining why slut shaming and marriage are ways for society to ensure that unattractive guys can get a partner" stuff.

cheers, Ray