How much does a girl need to know you before asking her out?

[donaldtang]

I have recently graduated from college and find dating becomes quite different after graduation. Back in the school, I got plenty of time getting to talk to a girl before making a move as we may take the same classes and see each other regularly. But now I don't feel that I can meet someone on a regular basis. So normally what I do is that I talk to girls that I am interested in for about 5 to 10 minutes (I met most of them through meetup groups or friends) and get her phone number. Then I will call her later to ask her out (about a few days later). I have tried this quite a few times but was rejected every time. Do you think it is inappropriate to ask a girl out just after one meet or I should let her know more about me before doing that? By asking her out early, does that insinuate to the girl that I am too playful or too desperate? Or does that just scare the girl away since she is not very familiar with me and may think that I can take her to some dangerous place that I will commit a crime on her (although I don't think that I look like a serial killer, instead I am little nerdy type of person)?
When I ask a girl out, I don't label it as a date. Usually I would make a plan of activities (like going to a festival or hiking or kayaking, always in public area) and ask the girl if she would like to come.
But if I don't ask the girl out after first meet, I feel that I will never have the chance to see her again.
I would like to hear from a girl's perspective, what is your suggestion on that?

 

[Thinkingenigma]

I had this same issue myself a few months ago. What I've found is that if you vibe well, you should go ahead and ask for the date. If you just ask for her number, she could perceive it as just being platonic. However, if you ask for the date, getting the number becomes just a logistical matter.

When it comes to planning a date, I find that something laid back but with the possibility of something spontaneous happening, is an excellent idea. For informational dates, I find that walking the trails behind my school is a great option (I'll be posting a FR on that later). Now, you might not have trails to walk, but you want to be doing something that gives you the opportunity to talk, but also to have physical contact. It's just better for the seduction process.

 

[Franco]

dtang,

When I ask a girl out, I don't label it as a date. Usually I would make a plan of activities (like going to a festival or hiking or kayaking, always in public area) and ask the girl if she would like to come.

This is your issue right here. This is confusing to a girl, and she won't know what you are trying to accomplish by doing this type of activity with her. Also, if you only speak to her for 5-10 minutes, then yes, asking her to go hiking or kayaking with you is a bit much. She doesn't know you well enough to agree to that type of activity with you.

Keep it simple and ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee/drink/yogurt with you. It's a lot more direct, the intentions are clearer, and it's much easier for her to say "yes" because the amount of commitment of time and effort she has to give you is much less.

Always make it easy for a girl to say "yes" to your invitations.

- Franco

 

[donaldtang]

dtang,

When I ask a girl out, I don't label it as a date. Usually I would make a plan of activities (like going to a festival or hiking or kayaking, always in public area) and ask the girl if she would like to come.

This is your issue right here. This is confusing to a girl, and she won't know what you are trying to accomplish by doing this type of activity with her. Also, if you only speak to her for 5-10 minutes, then yes, asking her to go hiking or kayaking with you is a bit much. She doesn't know you well enough to agree to that type of activity with you.

Keep it simple and ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee/drink/yogurt with you. It's a lot more direct, the intentions are clearer, and it's much easier for her to say "yes" because the amount of commitment of time and effort she has to give you is much less.

Always make it easy for a girl to say "yes" to your invitations.

- Franco

Thanks for your suggestion of doing something easy! I used to think that doing some activity may be more interesting than just sit and talk.
The reason that I did not label it as a date is because I don't know how much the girl feels about me (giving me phone number does not necessarily mean that she is romantically interested in me, there are girls who just want to be platonic friend). I don't want to come on too strong to scare the girl away. And by matching or a little under-matching her feeling may keep her interest going.
So basically my question is how long dose it take a girl to develop a romantic feeling. If it can happen during the first meet, then probably I could be more clear on my intention early on. But if it takes a few meeting, then I should try to set up a few meetings (with some excuses) before revealing my intention. For me, it only takes one minute to figure out if I will be interested to learn more about her, and dating for me is a way to learn more about each other.
In addition, even if my plan/suggestion is too much commitment, I think she can always propose a different plan, instead of rejecting me. So I am guessing if she reject without an alternative plan, it means she is not interested in me at all regardless of the plan.

 

[Franco]

dtang,

I forgot to mention that you shouldn't use the word "date" either. Your instinct is correct there. But your body language should communicate that you are a sexual person and you are looking for something romantic without explicitly stating it.

A girl can have romantic feelings for you within a few minutes of meeting you if you approach her with good fundamentals. Always aim to close things out with a girl on the first date if you can. You can never guarantee that there will be more than one date, especially with attractive, highly-saught-after women.

- Franco

 

[Marty]

Hey Franco:

A girl can have romantic feelings for you within a few minutes of meeting you if you approach her with good fundamentals.

Can you elaborate on this? Is it a question of "how you come across", what Ricardus would label making a good first impression? Is this vibe achieved through completing hundreds of approaches and thus appearing "at ease" with the process?

Thanks
-Marty

 

[Franco]

Marty

Is it a question of "how you come across", what Ricardus would label making a good first impression?

Your first impression, yeah. If you come across as exactly the type of man she's looking for and give her a taste of what it would be like to be with you (before she's actually with you), then she can already begin to start romanticizing about what would happen if you two got together.

Is this vibe achieved through completing hundreds of approaches and thus appearing "at ease" with the process?

As with anything, practice is what works you toward perfection. Some individuals might pick it up quicker than others, so putting a number (such as hundreds) on it might be assuming too much, but you'll always certainly improve the more you put yourself out there and become at ease with the process. Confidence tends to increase as you experience something over and over again simply because there are less outcomes that surprise you or catch you off guard, so the more you experience, the less you'll be caught off guard, and the more confident you'll appear.

- Franco