How Often Should I Text Girlfriend

[dempseyc]

Been dating this girl for over two months now, before that we were banging for a few months. As we live two hours away from each other, we contact each other regularly. Throughout the period of us banging before we were dating she started most of the conversations over text while I started a few that mostly related to planning dates (I never started conversations that did not push the interaction forward). However, since we started dating she has repeatedly raised the concern that I don't text her enough. First couple of times she did I rolled it off and treated it as a joke, but then we got into a serious discussion about it that turned into a small fight in which I told her "I can put in some effort and text you a bit more, but I'm not going to hit you up first every day" and she said agreed, saying that's fine.

We got into another fight about it because I didn't text her first (classic argument about how I don't care about her yada yada), and I told her the same thing I said before and stressed that I'd rather call her instead of text. I stated that at no point in our relationship was I the first one to text regularly, but compromised by saying I would try and call her first more often.

Are my compromises making me seem weaker in her eyes? And - more importantly - how often should I keep contact with my monogamous girlfriend over text?

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey bro, entering into a logical discussion and negotiation over texting amount and in particular who INITIATES... is not good news. The fact the discussion occurred at all... and your stubbornness, what it communicates is you're a bit insecure and you would like the validation of having her initiate, the feeling she's keener than you... you want everything smooth and to "just work", also although you are in fact monitoring your relative investment levels and maintaining them, act like nothing could be further fr your mind... have plenty of believable excuses/explanations ready "oh honey, i didn't realize, a shit ton of work hit me this week.and i was trying to clear the decks so we could have a nice relaxed hangout on the weekend as we usually do" "oh yeah sure, that hadn't occurred to me, i was planning to give you a call midweek to touch base, I didn't mean to give the impression I don't care about you because I do"... but really it sounds to me as if you have not rewarded her investment properly, if she's initiating get back to her ultra warmly and reward her by initiating more often.
Ray

 

[ProblemSolving]

However, since we started dating she has repeatedly raised the concern that I don't text her enough.

If you run your relationship properly with you firmly leading, you will always get this complaint. This is a GOOD sign.

First couple of times she did I rolled it off and treated it as a joke, but then we got into a serious discussion about it that turned into a small fight in which I told her "I can put in some effort and text you a bit more, but I'm not going to hit you up first every day" and she said agreed, saying that's fine.

We got into another fight about it because I didn't text her first (classic argument about how I don't care about her yada yada), and I told her the same thing I said before and stressed that I'd rather call her instead of text. I stated that at no point in our relationship was I the first one to text regularly, but compromised by saying I would try and call her first more often

DO NOT compromise. It's important that you reward her when she initiates contact by being warm and setting up dates, so she feels compelled to chase more, but under no means should you start chasing her like she wants.

This guy gets it and explains it clearly:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NelpfuqnkGk

 

[dempseyc]

First couple of times she did I rolled it off and treated it as a joke, but then we got into a serious discussion about it that turned into a small fight in which I told her "I can put in some effort and text you a bit more, but I'm not going to hit you up first every day" and she said agreed, saying that's fine.

We got into another fight about it because I didn't text her first (classic argument about how I don't care about her yada yada), and I told her the same thing I said before and stressed that I'd rather call her instead of text. I stated that at no point in our relationship was I the first one to text regularly, but compromised by saying I would try and call her first more often

DO NOT compromise. It's important that you reward her when she initiates contact by being warm and setting up dates, so she feels compelled to chase more, but under no means should you start chasing her like she wants.

... but really it sounds to me as if you have not rewarded her investment properly, if she's initiating get back to her ultra warmly and reward her by initiating more often.
Ray

Sounds like you guys are saying similar things; that the problem is that I'm not rewarding her investment well. How would you suggest I reward her better, beyond setting up dates like ProblemSolving suggested?

In addition, her attachment style is the polar opposite of mine (she's very attached and low self-esteem + insecure) which I think leads into why this is such a problem for her. Obviously I won't supplicate my whole life just to make sure I'm texting her. How should I handle her heavier attachment and fear of me not texting her in a way that communicates that I care about her?

 

[ProblemSolving]

Ok, here is what rewarding her investment looks like when you ALREADY have a date set with her.

Her: Hey, what r u up to?

Me: Hey babe, just on my way to the gym. How bout you?

Her: Just finished studying. How was your day?

You: More studying? You little nerd, you'll ace it like always
Crazy day! Had a customer from hell lol. I'll tell you all about it on Friday

Her: Okay sounds good lol Can't wait

Basically, your aim is to be friendly and warm, without getting sucked into long, boring text conversations.

 

[dempseyc]

Ok, here is what rewarding her investment looks like when you ALREADY have a date set with her.

Her: Hey, what r u up to?

Me: Hey babe, just on my way to the gym. How bout you?

Her: Just finished studying. How was your day?

You: More studying? You little nerd, you'll ace it like always
Crazy day! Had a customer from hell lol. I'll tell you all about it on Friday

Her: Okay sounds good lol Can't wait

Basically, your aim is to be friendly and warm, without getting sucked into long, boring text conversations.

This sounds really good. I was also thinking of calling her to talk on the phone as opposed to texting in order to reward her investment; does this usually work as well?

 

[ProblemSolving]

Calling is fine, just make sure you keep it short. The longer you spend on the phone, the less hungry she will be to see you. Here is what it looks like:

Her: Hey, what r u up to?

Me: Hey babe, little tied up atm. I'm gonna call you at 9:30pm

You call and have a 5 minute chat. Then tell her you have to do "whatever" right now, but you look forword to seeing her on Friday. Then get off the phone.

 

[Dylweed]

Im no expert on this topic, im 2 months in on my first ever committed relationship. Like you i had the same question and i came here for advice and the advice i got seemed similar to yours. I was told to not text her first unless to meet up.

So i took that advice and basically made it into a game, because thats basically what that advice is telling you to do, play a game. So i did it and my girl ended up getting annoyed at me for not texting her, and that caused me to get a little annoyed. And the whole thing wouldn't have happened if i wasnt playing some stupid game. Because i am not a big texter but sometimes i get the desire to text her first and it would be something totally not needy, itd be something id be doing because i find it fun, not because im scared of losing her. And i forced myself not to so that i could play this game. But really that was a dumb idea because it just made us both end up annoyed. So since then ive dropped the whole game idea and i just be myself, which i would actually argue causes you to be even higher value because only someone of low value would have to play a game and follow rules. And she still texts me first probably 80 percent of the time but sometimes ill send her something first if i want to.

Who knows, this could all backfire on me, although i doubt it, but this is also just my own experience so take what you want from it.

When i was having multiple casual relationships though i definitely followed rules about never initiating contact unless for meeting up and that worked quite well.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Sure, you'll be fine with initiating 20% of the contact, but if you tell a guy that, it won't be long before his scarcity will try to justify more contact, so what started at 20% gradually becomes 30%, then 40%, then 50%.

Running successful relationships is all about managing investment - yours and hers. Call it "game" or whatever, but it's absolutely required. Denying this fact and going by "what feels right" is what leads to all the problems you see in the Relationship Board - girls losing interest, cheating, and leaving.

 

[Franco]

Dylweed,

One other thing to mention is that her being "annoyed" isn't something that is necessarily bad for you. My girlfriends also get annoyed when they catch on to the fact that I never text them first -- and it drives up attraction through the wall.

Whether or not you get annoyed with it depends on how you deal with it. Eventually girlfriends will bring this topic up, and it's up to you to maintain your frame (in a caring, but stern way) and let them know that you're just busy, and when you have things to talk to them about, then you talk to them about it.

I've just been extremely honest with this type of stuff, and it usually works wonders. I'll say something along the lines of:

Me: "Babe, I really enjoy the time we spend together in person, and that's the time that I like to share things with you about my week. If you look at other couples, they call each other and talk until there's nothing to say, and then when they are together in person, they have nothing to discuss. If something is really important, or something is really exciting, then of course I'll text you. But other than that, I have lots of things I'm busy with every day, and I'd rather spend my time getting those things done so that we can spend more time together in person. If I don't get those things done because we're talking on the phone every day of the week, then that's less time I'll get to spend together with you in person."

The idea is never to turn it into a game. If you turned it into a game, then yes, she's going to be upset about it. You don't even really have to bring this up until she does. I'll let girlfriends be annoyed on their own for quite awhile, but once she brings it up, you need do exactly the opposite of turn it into a game: you need to be straightforward with her and explain why you don't text much.

The biggest problem I see guys have with girlfriends is that they assume "annoyance" and "nagging" are automatically bad things, and they think the only way to deal with it is to give in to what the girl is asking for. When girls are annoyed with you it's because they feel like they can't control you completely, which is a really good thing. But it's your job as the man to at least be able to quell her concerns by talking to her about them when she finally brings them up.

- Franco