How to be at peace with your looks?

[NeedLotsofHelp]

This is the single biggest thing that is holding my game back. Every time I go out, I am EXTREMELY self-conscious about my looks!

I'm honestly not too bad looking. I'm white (no offense to anyone here but this definitely helps with some bitchy white girls), i'm decently tall (5 '11), and I would say that I am above average in terms of looks. Still, I am no model and every time I see a better looking guy, even if it is someone on the level of Brad Pitt, I get a bit self-conscious and wish I was taller or had an even sharper jawline or something else

I have gotten with many girls before, a few of them quite good looking, but I am worried that that was in the past and that now my looks have deteriorated (I know this is all in my head). How have you guys managed to calm this type of thinking and just focus on your game. In the past, I used to be so in control and confident and now I have lost a lot of that confidence even though I am still only 22 (and most likely better looking and definitely with better game than in the past).

This is especially frustrating when I have dates from girls that I met in the past in person. I think to myself, "oh well, I guess I got lucky when I got her number - she must of been drunk or in a good mood or something and won't find me attractive" and this obviously kills the vibe that I'm trying to project.

I've always been a bit self-conscious about myself even though deep down I realize that I am in a much more secure position in my life than many other people and that I've got a lot of potential. Still, I can't get these thoughts out of my head when working on my game it's a real killer

Thanks for your help guys, its much appreciated

 

[Howell]

Hmm, I'd start out by reminding myself that most everyone feels self-conscious about something. Short guys fixate on height, bald guys fixate on hair, girls with one boob bigger than the other focus on boobs, etc. This issue sounds mostly to be about your relationship with yourself and how secure you are in your own skin. So this doesn't have to do so much with other people; it's your relationship to yourself you might want to spend some time exploring. I'd recommend writing and meditation as solid frameworks for doing so. One fruitful line of inquiry you could explore more earnestly could start with the question "Who am I (really)?"

I'd also suggest you neither fixate nor doggedly avoid the things that are troubling you -- instead just observe them come and go as the feelings that they are, like an itch that you want to scratch but have decided instead to just experience for what it is unreactively.

Your life situation at 22 may not be the most secure feeling one. That's how it was for me. That was around the time I started to take my own internal self-discipline more "seriously"; when I learned how to better hold myself to my convictions. And doing so is what helped me transcend that stage of my life.

-Howell

 

[Mr.Rob]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE9QSuSxIMY

 

[NeedLotsofHelp]

Great Vid!

 

[someone]

Funny that you mention Brad Pitt. I've dated girls who thought Brad Pitt was unattractive. I personally think Angelina Jolie is kind of ugly. But, I find her very attractive whenever I see films with her in it; not because of her looks, but because of the way she behaves and carries herself. A lot of what makes you attractive is how well you carry yourself and that comes from good fundamentals as well as a good relationship with yourself.

 

[Drck]

Interesting. I love older movies with Pitt like 12 Monkeys, Seven, and of course - the best - Fight Club. Those were excellent performances. He's just become weird though (IMO), it appears like the character he plays in the movies took over his personality. There is a difference between being a great actor and reality. Pitt looks just "too cool" all the time, which simply can't be real, it is just a fake. I'm not impress by his later movies at all, he is just "stuck" in the character from years ago, never really evolved.

I never understood why is Angelina Jolie so popular, she doesn't have the looks and her acting hardly average. But hey, they are the famous ones - we are not

 

[NeedLotsofHelp]

Yes, I agree. i guess your inner confidence is what is most important, but I am struggling with that right now because of my self-confidence issue about looks. That video that was posted earlier was extremely helpful though

 

[Ross]

Ah, standards of beauty. A real pain in the ass that we're constantly injected with images of what men are supposed to look like, and that we are to somehow attain that look. Even though we really can't, short of costly plastic surgeries that do a less than stellar job.

NeedLotsofHelp,

I think to myself, "oh well, I guess I got lucky when I got her number - she must of been drunk or in a good mood or something and won't find me attractive" and this obviously kills the vibe that I'm trying to project.

Here's the core of your problem. Standards of beauty are likely going to follow us forever, as they are a part of our entire cultural understanding of beauty. So, there's no beating that. The issue lies in believing that you are attractive, that you are good enough for women. And let me tell you, there's very few men on this Earth that are not good enough to have sex with a women; you don't sound like one of them, because you still have a functioning penis .

Her outward perceptions of you may matter, but they are out of your control. A strong jawline may register as ideal for mating, but making a woman feel amazing is even more ideal; and making her amazing is something you can do. There are very few men on this planet that can make her feel amazing, and make her orgasm, simply because they do not take the time to learn such a skill and apply it.

When you start to worry that you may not be good enough for her, remember that worrying is a lot like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Do something that can get you somewhere to replace those worrysome thoughts. Ask her out. Provide value to her by turning her on and having sex with her. Whether or not your jawline is strong enough will become a thing of the past.

 

[JimmyB]

I can relate to this. I'm also 22 and have this same sort of dilemma. I think it's important to keep in mind that everyone finds different people attractive. A guy may look like Brad Pitt, but a girl may really not be attracted to him, yet she finds you attractive. You have to be able to accept that. It probably wasn't some stroke of luck that got you with those girls/got you numbers in the past; they found you attractive and you them and you capitalized on that.

If a girl found you attractive enough in the first place to hook up with you or give you her number, then her perception of you is not going to change by the next time you see her. She could very likely be just as self-conscious if you haven't seen her again/texted her. You're too much in your head, i think. You can only judge the situation by trying to meet up again. If you end up getting turned down, that's ok, it's a numbers game. But if you're getting numbers then there's at least a good chance they'd be up for another meet. It's way better to try and see before you make any conclusions without action.

 

[Drck]

There are things you can change and things you can't. You can't grow taller, that is pretty much it, but you can change your haircut, facial hair, your body language...

In the same way, some things are more important than others. Looks are important - as a first impression. You can probably impress girls by looking more dominant rather than nice appearing. The first impression is gone within couple of minutes though, now you got to present yourself as more dominant, leading, decision making, fast and sexy guy... So screw the looks, those other things are much more important...

Change your belief system. Currently you believe that your looks are important. The reality is, that ugly, short and fat guys get laid, sometimes more often than ripped and great looking guys, just because they have better personality, more dominance and better vibes with that girl. So focus on these.

Great looks and great first impression for seduction are IMO quite an obstacle (relatively speaking). If a guy looks great, the girl expect too much from him - he cares too much, he takes too many showers, his hair is nice and neat, he is cleanly shaved, he's got great clothes on... He appear as a guy who can be her long term BF, he appears as a provider - and then he has to "prove" to her that he can really be a guy who she will sleep with.

Well, fuck that. Don't do "nice" things, avoid being "nice guy", avoid "great looks". Don't try to impress girls with your looks. I am IMO decent looking, but I don't comb my hair, I shave 2x week at most, I wear casual clothes, just so the first impression is "ok", perhaps neutral. I focus more on body language. But then, if needed, I can jack my looks up, go 2 steps higher - better clothes, haircut, neatly shaved... It is much better to go from "ok" looks to "great" looks rather than from "great" to "ok" looks. Does it make sense?

Screw the looks, change your belief, focus on more important things. Hope it helps.

 

[Eternity]

Drck, are you black, white, or brown? How old are you? Just curious is all...

 

[JDB_40k]

The way I've dealt with it - honestly I have a lot of girls call me very sexy and other people call me handsome - but I can't tell why one guy is attractive or not (I guess that's one way I know I'm not gay)

The way I DON'T focus on my looks is by focusing on the way I carry myself. I'm too concerned with what topics I hit on, my confidence and having witty and sexy humor. I'm also paying too much attention to what the girl is saying that I just don't have time to think about it.

The other thing is, if the girl likes you, she is going to be attracted to you. If you are dealing with the mindset what I used to deal with, then you have to break it. It was this, I am so confident in myself that I believed "I can get ANY girl." There is no logical reason why they shouldn't like me or be attracted to me, so nothing should hold me back.

What happened was that I was spending too much effort on girls who weren't THAT interested, only mildly. When you have enough confidence in yourself, you notice which girls are very interested and you can, it might be cliche, quite literally rock their world.

 

[Mr.Rob]

Your welcome for the link btw.

Just a quick story to reiterate that looks are highly unimportant.

A friend of my dad's that I've come to know recently is the exact opposite of what you would think a woman would be attracted to but he has massive success with women.

This man is in his late 50's, he has a stout beer belly, red hair, a squeaky voice, and aged skin. He refuses to date women less than 35 and the women he dates (fucks) are fucking hot (i'd bang them).

It was quite an eye opening experience getting to know this guy.

However he is quite charismatic, puts you at ease in 2 seconds, and can get a girl laughing in no time. He can also turn a girl on with his words.

Moral of the story: Looks don't matter AT ALL. What matters is how you can make a girl feel and the sub communications that lie beneath your words. Learn how to project and inspire the right emotions in a woman and she'll give a damn about your looks.

On the other hand of the equation I'm a very attractive man yet before I learned game my vibe/conversation was so whack that I couldn't get laid to save my life. They commonly said "well he was soo hot... until he opened his mouth"

Fuck looks, just look your best, and go out and talk to some girls.

Good luck