- Joined
- Sep 9, 2016
- Messages
- 5
Hey guys, my first post on this forum, it's about something that has really been fucking me up lately. By the way, I know this is a pick-up site but my question focuses on general social skills, and my problem is really about finding male friends rather than picking up girls. But those two things go kind of hand in hand right? anyway, a little background info I guess- im 17, a relatively good looking but skinny guy. average fashion sense. I recently moved to a new city (living on my own, working in a family business where I have no contact with the public or any other colleagues, just my family) and I have no friends here. I really need some.
Okay, so let me get some more things off my chest- im a theory nerd. I know SO MUCH about pickup, about social calibration. I know how to act in social situations (which is, not to act), but I just cant put it to use. Because a) im a pussy. b) im a pussy. c) im a pussy. d) im a pussy. e) all of the above.
All I want is to be myself. When im with my mum and my sister, im a really cool, funny, likeable, attractive, confident guy. It's not just something that can be explained by a few adjectives either- even my VOICE is different. deeper, manlier, far less posh. my brain works faster, I can always think of something to say. social interactions around them don't drain me at all. I get extreme social paranoia when I smoke weed or take psychedelic drugs around my friends, but around my mother and my sister I am just fine.
this leads me to believe that the reason I have such trouble succeeding socially is because my anxiety gets in the way of me acting naturally. the problem is, I literally don't know how to solve this problem. it's not like something that can be defeated by some sort of mental effort. I change the way I act as an automatic response around other people. I don't know how to stop it.
Example: im in the living room with my sister and mum. I sound like I do when im by myself- voice fairly deep, a regular non-posh English accent, my body language is masculine, my demeanour is spontaneous, playful, chatty, yet laid-back. I'm fucking sexy. I know it. then one of my friends turns up unexpectedly, knocks on the door, walks into the room. I'm not panicking or anything- in fact in my brain, im quite calm. I don't really feel anxious at all. so when I turn round to say hi to him, my voice is changed. much higher pitched, im speaking with a posh accent, im speaking a lot quieter and with far less impact. I feel completely unable to sound normal, like I did a moment ago. my mannerism changes, I appear far more feminine than masculine in my body language. I find it hard to laugh, hard even to smile- any expression of that kind is very forced, and its a bad imitation. my whole personality is warped into someone weak and boring, with little impact, very awkard, little to say, and the whole time im hating myself for it. JUST BE YOURSELF, im thinking, WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE MYSELF. its not that im afraid of being judged- it cant be. because I know that the 'myself', the self I am when im on my own or around my mum and sister, is much cooler than the weird awkward guy I turn into around other people.
Please how do I be myself? Just how? I honestly don't think any of my friends have ever met the real me. it's funny, because even when drunk, or on MDMA, or anything like that, and im feeling on top of the world and very confident, I still can't be myself. I might be better at socialising because of the increased confidence and in the case of ecstasy, the speeded up thoughts and never running out of things to say, but I still don't act like ME, I still don't sound or talk like ME. I fucking hate it honestly its the worst thing ever.
like I said before, im a theory nerd. I just know that if I get myself into constant social situations every night my social skills and confidence will start to improve. but im so terrified of that, social anxiety is fucking killing me, because when im socially anxious I act even less like my true self. I just want to be the person who I am. how??? will exposure work? will it actually? is there any social exercise I can do to practice being myself around others? what makes it so difficult is that its just an automatic reaction which I have no idea how to control. the closest I have ever come to anything which helps me be myself is mindfulness. it seems to be that when im in the moment, sometimes Its like I can fool my psychology into forgetting about making my personality seem different to what it really is.
I think that its quite obvious that this has evolved as some sort of defence mechanism- my subconscious feels the need to make me less threatening around others. maybe this stems from being bullied quite a bit as a kid. if I could go back in time, to when I was 4 or 5, I would tell myself to read less books, and play more football, go outside more, get into fights with the other kids on the block. I fucking hate how fucked up staying inside and reading books has made me. sometimes I worry that that kind of damage is irreversible, but I know that cant be true. surely there is some way I can be myself around other people? please?
P.S- I am not myself around my dad, probably because he is an authority figure so again my subconscious mind reverts into a habit of people pleasing and making me far less of a cool dude and far less of a threat. but this is something that runs so deep through my psychology that it feels I have very little control over it. I know im only 17 but it feels like if I don't sort out this problem fast it will just become deeper and deeper a part of me, and it will be harder to be myself ever again. now that I have moved to a different city from my mother and sister, literally the ONLY people in the world who have ever witnessed the real me (apart from my 2 cousins who live in a different country), I am spending zero time being myself around other people. my worry is that one day I will lose touch with that sexy self who I really am, and will never be able to reconnect with it again. I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON SO BADLY. I WANT TO BE ME SO BADLY> but I don't know how.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
final note: I facetimed my sister last night, and instantly reverted into being an awesome chatty cool dude. it was like there was a 5 minute afterglow because I went into the kitchen afterwards to cook something, and started chatting to one of my flatmates who was also there. I was actually being myself, and they noticed it. but then I went back to my room to get my waterbottle and by the time I got back to the kitchen, I had reverted to my shitty awkward personality. I have no apparent way of controlling this and I fucking hate it.
please help omg. will exposure help? is it possible that if I just keep interacting with people, while trying as hard as I can to just be myself and let go of any subconscious restraints which are altering my behaviour, that eventually something in my brain will just switch and I can be myself forever?? omg im ranting so much but I rememberd something really significant- while on dissasociative drugs such as MXE, I can be myself in social situations. I know that that information means something, but I know too little about the science of such drugs and their interactions with the human psychology to see what it means exactly.
one other thing that is really fucking me up, and making me doubt that exposure can let me be myself. let me use an example from my life right now: the only place so far where I have seen other kids my age hanging out as a social venue is the basketball court at the park. if I wasn't a pussy, I would just love to go there every evening after work, hang out and make some friends. btw I don't play basketball and cant play any sports for shit. but I am absolutely terrified of this- the kids here are quite street (as I am when im myself, honestly I believe I connect so much more with street kids. I hate posh people so much which makes me want to kill myself when im interacting with someone because I come across as posh as a defense mechanism). so when I turn up and try to hang out with these kids, acting like a fucking posh awkward quiet annoying douche, theyre just going to treat me as the awkard posh annoying quiet douche. I don't understand how if I keep going to hang out, I will become any less of a posh awkard quiet annoying douce. surely my subconscious brain will implement even MORE defense mechanisms and up the ante on the non-threatening behaviour, make my voice even more higher pitched, and shrink my confidence by so much.
I have no fucking control over my own psyche and I need help! so sorry for the rant, not sure if it even makes sense on paper but if any of u had the heart to read this far then thank you so much, and I would love a reply, particularly from people who have struggled with this issue yet managed to overcome it and are able to be themselves all the time on a daily basis. THANKS! <3
Okay, so let me get some more things off my chest- im a theory nerd. I know SO MUCH about pickup, about social calibration. I know how to act in social situations (which is, not to act), but I just cant put it to use. Because a) im a pussy. b) im a pussy. c) im a pussy. d) im a pussy. e) all of the above.
All I want is to be myself. When im with my mum and my sister, im a really cool, funny, likeable, attractive, confident guy. It's not just something that can be explained by a few adjectives either- even my VOICE is different. deeper, manlier, far less posh. my brain works faster, I can always think of something to say. social interactions around them don't drain me at all. I get extreme social paranoia when I smoke weed or take psychedelic drugs around my friends, but around my mother and my sister I am just fine.
this leads me to believe that the reason I have such trouble succeeding socially is because my anxiety gets in the way of me acting naturally. the problem is, I literally don't know how to solve this problem. it's not like something that can be defeated by some sort of mental effort. I change the way I act as an automatic response around other people. I don't know how to stop it.
Example: im in the living room with my sister and mum. I sound like I do when im by myself- voice fairly deep, a regular non-posh English accent, my body language is masculine, my demeanour is spontaneous, playful, chatty, yet laid-back. I'm fucking sexy. I know it. then one of my friends turns up unexpectedly, knocks on the door, walks into the room. I'm not panicking or anything- in fact in my brain, im quite calm. I don't really feel anxious at all. so when I turn round to say hi to him, my voice is changed. much higher pitched, im speaking with a posh accent, im speaking a lot quieter and with far less impact. I feel completely unable to sound normal, like I did a moment ago. my mannerism changes, I appear far more feminine than masculine in my body language. I find it hard to laugh, hard even to smile- any expression of that kind is very forced, and its a bad imitation. my whole personality is warped into someone weak and boring, with little impact, very awkard, little to say, and the whole time im hating myself for it. JUST BE YOURSELF, im thinking, WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE MYSELF. its not that im afraid of being judged- it cant be. because I know that the 'myself', the self I am when im on my own or around my mum and sister, is much cooler than the weird awkward guy I turn into around other people.
Please how do I be myself? Just how? I honestly don't think any of my friends have ever met the real me. it's funny, because even when drunk, or on MDMA, or anything like that, and im feeling on top of the world and very confident, I still can't be myself. I might be better at socialising because of the increased confidence and in the case of ecstasy, the speeded up thoughts and never running out of things to say, but I still don't act like ME, I still don't sound or talk like ME. I fucking hate it honestly its the worst thing ever.
like I said before, im a theory nerd. I just know that if I get myself into constant social situations every night my social skills and confidence will start to improve. but im so terrified of that, social anxiety is fucking killing me, because when im socially anxious I act even less like my true self. I just want to be the person who I am. how??? will exposure work? will it actually? is there any social exercise I can do to practice being myself around others? what makes it so difficult is that its just an automatic reaction which I have no idea how to control. the closest I have ever come to anything which helps me be myself is mindfulness. it seems to be that when im in the moment, sometimes Its like I can fool my psychology into forgetting about making my personality seem different to what it really is.
I think that its quite obvious that this has evolved as some sort of defence mechanism- my subconscious feels the need to make me less threatening around others. maybe this stems from being bullied quite a bit as a kid. if I could go back in time, to when I was 4 or 5, I would tell myself to read less books, and play more football, go outside more, get into fights with the other kids on the block. I fucking hate how fucked up staying inside and reading books has made me. sometimes I worry that that kind of damage is irreversible, but I know that cant be true. surely there is some way I can be myself around other people? please?
P.S- I am not myself around my dad, probably because he is an authority figure so again my subconscious mind reverts into a habit of people pleasing and making me far less of a cool dude and far less of a threat. but this is something that runs so deep through my psychology that it feels I have very little control over it. I know im only 17 but it feels like if I don't sort out this problem fast it will just become deeper and deeper a part of me, and it will be harder to be myself ever again. now that I have moved to a different city from my mother and sister, literally the ONLY people in the world who have ever witnessed the real me (apart from my 2 cousins who live in a different country), I am spending zero time being myself around other people. my worry is that one day I will lose touch with that sexy self who I really am, and will never be able to reconnect with it again. I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON SO BADLY. I WANT TO BE ME SO BADLY> but I don't know how.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
final note: I facetimed my sister last night, and instantly reverted into being an awesome chatty cool dude. it was like there was a 5 minute afterglow because I went into the kitchen afterwards to cook something, and started chatting to one of my flatmates who was also there. I was actually being myself, and they noticed it. but then I went back to my room to get my waterbottle and by the time I got back to the kitchen, I had reverted to my shitty awkward personality. I have no apparent way of controlling this and I fucking hate it.
please help omg. will exposure help? is it possible that if I just keep interacting with people, while trying as hard as I can to just be myself and let go of any subconscious restraints which are altering my behaviour, that eventually something in my brain will just switch and I can be myself forever?? omg im ranting so much but I rememberd something really significant- while on dissasociative drugs such as MXE, I can be myself in social situations. I know that that information means something, but I know too little about the science of such drugs and their interactions with the human psychology to see what it means exactly.
one other thing that is really fucking me up, and making me doubt that exposure can let me be myself. let me use an example from my life right now: the only place so far where I have seen other kids my age hanging out as a social venue is the basketball court at the park. if I wasn't a pussy, I would just love to go there every evening after work, hang out and make some friends. btw I don't play basketball and cant play any sports for shit. but I am absolutely terrified of this- the kids here are quite street (as I am when im myself, honestly I believe I connect so much more with street kids. I hate posh people so much which makes me want to kill myself when im interacting with someone because I come across as posh as a defense mechanism). so when I turn up and try to hang out with these kids, acting like a fucking posh awkward quiet annoying douche, theyre just going to treat me as the awkard posh annoying quiet douche. I don't understand how if I keep going to hang out, I will become any less of a posh awkard quiet annoying douce. surely my subconscious brain will implement even MORE defense mechanisms and up the ante on the non-threatening behaviour, make my voice even more higher pitched, and shrink my confidence by so much.
I have no fucking control over my own psyche and I need help! so sorry for the rant, not sure if it even makes sense on paper but if any of u had the heart to read this far then thank you so much, and I would love a reply, particularly from people who have struggled with this issue yet managed to overcome it and are able to be themselves all the time on a daily basis. THANKS! <3
